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Joined: Dec 2014
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helpjim,

I'm really sorry you're going through this. My W and i each brought 2 kids to our M from previous M's. I grew very close to her S and our kids grew very close to each other. It really felt like a family at times. Since she left (end of September), i have had no contact with her kids, she hasn't seen mine and they haven't seen each other. My kids are hurting a great deal.

I have no idea if she is dating or not. Before she cut off all contact, I did ask her in a text message if there was someone else. She replied, "Only a whore would date someone while they're still married!!" But maybe she protests too much? I haven't dated at all. I got on an online dating site for two days and chatted with a couple of women. Even set up a date with one, but called it off with her the day before. I realized that I love my W and am not interested in anyone else.

How am I coping with the loneliness? Well, I have reached out to a few friends and asked them if I can call each day. So i have about three people I call daily. I joined a church and have been going Sunday mornings and Wednesday evenings - that is helping and I've begun to get to know some people. I do have two young kids (5 & 7 yo) fulltime, so I'm never home alone. I'm a little embarrassed to admit this, but I have actually spent the past three weeks sleeping on the floor of my kids' bedroom (they've taken to sleeping in the same room) b/c it's very weird sleeping in my marriage bed w/o the W. And i have written some letters to my W that I never mailed. At least for the time I was writing them, I felt like i was having a conversation with her and getting things off my chest. And I pray every morning and every night for her, the SS and SD.

But I try to get out of the house a lot. I'm in the home we had together and it feels almost haunted with memories and the absence of the rest of my family. I'm in the process of losing the house as well (it's up for short sale) and it's painful to be here. So I have an incentive to get out and talk with people. Also, I am very close to the parents of my 1st W. They live in my town and I have been inviting myself over to their house for dinner once a week. They have been wonderful grandparents and very warm and loving towards me.

What kind of stuff do you find is working/not working for you?


Me: 39 W: 46
D: 7.5 S: 5
SD: 16 SS: 12
T: 2 (06/2012)
M: 2 (12/2012)
Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
Joined: Dec 2014
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One more thing. I haven't received any communication from my W for a couple months. Also no D notice. Nothing. But I stopped chasing about 6 weeks ago. Decided I would work this DB program while continuing IC. But I figured I would really work on GAL, like everyone here recommends. I thought that somehow she would notice or word would get back to her that I'm posting stuff on FB and seem to be having a decent time or she would sense a shift in the universe or something. But I also took to heart that GAL is necessary no matter what. This S has shown me that I need to make changes in my life for me, my children and for future Rs (if my W doesn't want to be w/me). So I guess I felt like I had nothing to lose.

If I act with honor towards her, if I work through my resentments and work towards loving her unconditionally, one or more things will happen. I will be prepared for a reconciled M with her and/or if she decides she wants a D, then I will be able to rest assured that I took the high road and did everything I could. I have decided that if she has had an A during the S, then that will be a deal breaker. Lots of people on this forum are working through A's, but I have done some soul searching and I'm not up for that challenge. So if I continue to do my GAL, reach out in the limited ways that my DB coach recommends, things will be OK. They will probably not end up the ways in which I fantasize they will be, but I will be stronger than I have ever been and my W will have made the mistake to end this M, not me.

I don't know if that makes sense. I haven't tried to explain my thinking on this, but doing the DB/GAL program seems to me to have no downside. I definitely wish I had found this stuff a few months before the S, but I didn't.


Me: 39 W: 46
D: 7.5 S: 5
SD: 16 SS: 12
T: 2 (06/2012)
M: 2 (12/2012)
Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 116
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Member
Offline
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Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 116
helpjim, how are you doing?


Me: 39 W: 46
D: 7.5 S: 5
SD: 16 SS: 12
T: 2 (06/2012)
M: 2 (12/2012)
Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
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