Great posts. I have come to many of the same conclusions over this past year. We can only fix us. And if working on ourselves isn't enough for the WAS then it isn't ....
They have their journey and we have ours. MB you sound great!!!
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
I am learing the exact same as we speak about my WAW. I was blaming myself for so long. But as more friends and family learn of our separation, more and more keeps coming out. I have now decided to legally protect my children and myself legally and financially, I have no options of reconciliation. Unfortunately, It seems like she is going to have to hit rock bottom before she can come to a realization of her part in it. I was in the exact same boat... The begging, pleading, crying, tryng to keep the family intact... My first visit with my therapist he said it sounds like that when she looks at you, she doesn't see you. She sees her lies, the hurt she has inflicted and her general displeasure with herself.
Stay strong, and be positive.
Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
Big hugs and prayers.
Together 06-04 Married 10-05 She Left 10-11-14 I filed 10-22-14
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Great, inspirational posts, Maybell. Thanks for BEING a lighthouse. Loved that reference...wrote it down and will put it on my mirror in my bathroom, my car, my computer monitor at work...any place I will see it frequently throughout the day. Thank you for being an amazing example of strength.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
No, I'm definitely not doing it for my H. Anymore. (How sad is that, that I was for so long?)
I had a lightbulb moment earlier tonight.
He can't make me happy. I have to find it for myself. In myself.
Ergo...
I can't make him happy either.
So when he said he was leaving because he wasn't happy, that wasn't because of all my flaws. He could have changed gears at any time and I would have supported him. That's been the history of our entire marriage. But he decided to make it my problem. Which it's not.
That's not to say I don't have flaws. But my flaws can't make someone run all by themselves. He ran because of HIS flaws.
Betsey said earlier about the way constant criticism warps us. The week my H decided to leave, I went with the kids to go stay with my parents, who spent three days telling me how difficult and emotional I am (the week my husband announced he was leaving me!!) and told me it was my fault he was leaving because I'm too hard to live with.
Inadequacy has been a pretty constant theme of my life and I think what I've realized is we're ALL inadequate. Because all this happened in a community where I was a complete stranger, I've had to accept a lot of help from people who had no other reason to offer it than kindness. That has taught me a lot. Everybody poops, and everybody's poop stinks. As soon as you can get your head around that, it's kind of hard to not be happy. At least for me. I know and love a couple that has REAL struggles in their marriage... But there is a lot about it that I envy, too. So, why not be happy? My marriage has fallen to shreds, but my future is still very good, a lot about my past is good, and I enjoy some tremendous blessings today too. (One of those blessings is my St. John's Wort...)
So, even before I started cleaning up my act, my H's running away was still more about him than about me. When I went to visit my old church a few weeks ago, my pastor noticed me in the congregation and repeated a line from her sermon, twice, looking me in the eyes and pausing till I nodded... "I am enough."
I am.
I LOVE this so much.
I'm standing and cheering right now.Seriously, in my bath robe.
I am so happy for you. In the future when you feel doubt creeping in (and you will) go back to this.
Let this remain your truth.
Last edited by labug; 12/19/1404:25 PM.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Here's a question... all three kids had belt tests last Saturday but S6 was sick and had to miss it. On Monday I scheduled his make up for tonight, and told H about it so he could make time for it.
H skipped it. Sent me a text saying he wasn't going to make it and asking me to let S6 know he was thinking of him and loved him. Asked me to send pictures or video.
I'm nice, I sent the video. S6 ROCKED it -- an amazing board break like he hardly ever does. It was awesome, and I'm pleased I got it on video.
H texted back, wow, that was great, please tell him how proud I am of him.
Is it too much to expect the dude would NOT delegate his relationship with his children to me?
Clearly it is.
I try to praise the 1% of effort he does make. But he seems to think parenting by proxy and only on his scheduled nights is sufficient.
If I need to seriously just LET IT GO then say so. It hurts to see him treat them that way but I will just accept him as is and quit worrying about it if that's what I must do.
I know intellectually it is. I know letting myself be disappointed by him that way is just me having expectations. But what should I do? Should I accept the tasks of telling my kids their dad is thinking of them? Should I say "Hey, tell him yourself?"
They all have means of communicating with him. Even if he said "This text is for S6, please share it with him" that would be something.
I guess it's just an expectation I have. He was so critical of my parents' lack of interest in me -- often said of my dad, "I can't imagine not wanting to talk to D11." And yet here he is.
HIS PROBLEM, not mine. But I need insight on constructive ways to respond to him.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
So I acted "as if" he had said "this text is for S6, please share it with him," and I gave the phone to S6 to answer it.
It was still a less than thrilling interaction but at least S6 is OK. I guess.
After two days of stomping around and snapping at people, D11 said that she wished I didn't have to work "so much." Two days a week I get home one hour after her. Three days a week I get home two hours after her. Everything else has remained the same; I makes breakfasts and see her off in the mornings, make her lunches, make dinners, we eat together, we plan our weekends, etc. If anything, we spend MORE time together because she texts me frequently throughout the day. I'm astounded that she missed me.
She says: "Of course I missed you, you're my mom." Me: "The way you treat me I can't always tell." Her: "Yeah... sorry about that."
Interesting evening. I enjoy time spent with my kiddos.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Last night D11, S8, and I were talking about counseling/therapy. I asked S8 if he wanted to see someone every week rather than just the school counselor when she can fit him in. He said yes, definitely. So I'm going to reach out to the school counselor for some referrals.
D11 keeps insisting she's fine and I've been trying to initiate short bursts of conversation from time to time when we're both relaxed. That has included me being a little more open and honest about how I'm feeling -- trying to model communication skills in a positive way for her. I think it's working; last night we talked about things and I asked her how she felt about her dad being gone and she said, "That's your business." I said, "Yes, it is, and that's a good healthy way to see this problem. But it's your business that you don't live with your dad right now, and if you feel like you need help with that I'd like to know so I can make that happen." She said again that she was fine and I let it go.
Then she asked me if I was still writing (fiction). I said, not for a long time, because I've been so unhappy that I didn't feel able to write. She said "I think you should write about all this. That would be better." I said, "better for me or better for my stories?" And she said "Both." I said I thought she was probably right and that I would think about that. Then I kissed her good night.
I am impressed by my girl's wisdom here. I have to say, the beautiful way our family life has blossomed since he left is really thought-provoking. I had been trying to submit to the leadership of someone who didn't want to lead where I wanted to go. Or who maybe didn't want to lead at all.
When Cadet I first saw the message about the "gift of time" I didn't realize what it could mean. It really has been a gift, with the senses of surprise and slow unwrapping built in.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I think you are doing such a great job with your kids. Keep in mind-- being the parent of an 11 year old is super hard. And *being* 11 years old... I think that's harder. I have taught over 1,000 11 year olds in my career. They don't always tell you what they are thinking-- they don't always have the words or skills for that-- but they notice what you do and say. So, even if you think she's not listening, she is. And even if you think that what you say doesn't have an effect on her... it does.
