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rd500 #2518498 12/18/14 04:53 PM
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RD

Thank you for your kindness. If my musings save some $$ ££ or euros then I am happy, then when I rag about GAL Db'ers will have the dosh just to go do GAL. BTW that includes YOU going GAL.

Just saying

Vanilla


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


rd500 #2518594 12/18/14 10:27 PM
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You go, Vanilla! Your GAL is over the top and I am LOVING it!!!!!!!!!!!! So proud of you. Thanks for reaching out to me today. I have been very busy and had a bit of a rough day. (I made a post on my thread you can check out at your leisure.) But, I am finishing strong and that is the important thing, right? Keep on keeping on, Vanilla. You are my hero! smile


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
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Walks sexily Into thread,

Holds waist band of jeans out, here i will take your Euros! Lol striper style.
Tuck em all in, I could do with some shoe money. grin grin

Hey look it's all about passing it forward and helping others by our own stuff ups. I made some goodies.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
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Gg, I wish I could walk sexily into a thread! But my kick ass shoes are black.

Dawn I read about the job situation. Sounds like you have interesting choices, things are unsticking.

Lat night GA/GAanon evening meal at an Indian restaurant. Not my favourite but the food was very good. Impressed. Sat with the gamblers as the gam anon group all were in couples, but the gamblers were all solo ( apart from those in couples). It is quite clear that those with support stand a much better chance of recovery than those that don't.

One of the gamblers asked how H was, so I said you had better ask him, and another said he had tried ringing H to find out why he had not attended GA (more along the lines, I haven't seen you at GA for a while are you ok?) and H had told him it wasn't necessary as he wasn't a gambler any more. If H does not want the fellowship on offer for his own sake it's his loss. I am sad for him, he is in denial and not accepting of the damage done. I was very late back as I needed to wait as had an early glass of wine, (just one).

I am at a friends tonight, going to set up her stereo and have a few Xmas drinks.

No hot water this morning and I don't do cold (unlike HP; still don't get that). So it's deo instead and a lick and a promise. Why does men's deo smell like fly spray, well it does to me. Will go to the gym and shower later in the day. I don't want to come home tonight.

I have woken very late so putting the hot water on is going to delay me further, although I would like more sleep if truth be told.

Am aware that I am eating too much food and taking too little exercise at the moment. This has to change but my schedule seems to be all Xmas meals and drinks. There are drinks etc in the office today.

I overslept because I was tired, had that lovely pleasant experience of waking with a warm bed but cold air in the bedroom. I love all that in the morning.

Must wrap some presents, have been given some which I have not returned. Tons of cards to wrap too.

Vanilla needs to apply herself to work and exercise as well as the GAL! Less eating more action. Oh this bed is toasty warm.

Will get to it

Vanilla




Last edited by Vanilla; 12/19/14 09:24 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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so 6 months in how am I doing out of 10?

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! 7

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 8

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only! 9

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. 10

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject. 7.5

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. 5

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence. 8

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 7

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better. 9

10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 9

11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 9.5

12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 9

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice. 3(tooth)!

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go. 9.5

15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative. 10

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also. 9

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 7

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. 7

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that. 5

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf. 9

21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight. 9

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake. 7

23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel! 9

24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works! 8

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. 4

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 9

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake. 4

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only. 8

29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 6

30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse. 8

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them. 5

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 9

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 8

34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return. 9.5

35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary. 9

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise. 9

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes 6

DB has been good for me, most of these were 1 or 2 when I started. Just shows what needs to be done?
I love a score card. Thanks Sandi

Last edited by Vanilla; 12/19/14 10:42 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Vanilla, I caught a shout out from you on RPP's thread... I'll check in, but my impression of you is wisdom and self-awareness is happening and you've just got to move through this time.

But I'll read your threads more carefully and weigh in when I don't have kids buzzing around. smile


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
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Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

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Vanilla,

I love, love the Hunger Games trilogy!

Originally Posted By: Vanilla

GAL point score for the week:

Thursday work 1 pt
Friday work 1 pt meal with client 2 pts salsa night 4pts
Saturday drinks with client 3 dogs 2pts, elderley neighbour 80 bday 2 pts, dinner dance 4 pts
Sunday all day film fest with friends 5pts
Monday: work 1 pt
Tuesday: work 1 pt GAanon Xmas party 3 pts
Wednesday work 1 pt, film and meal with friend 3pts
Total is 30 pts

However wonks would award me minus points for two visits to dentist!


Yeah....you got that ^^ right. However, since I'm generous during the holiday season, there's extra credit make-up work for ya, baby. smile

Wonka #2519036 12/20/14 01:24 PM
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You do love a scorecard - but i agree its really helpful and i do love a bit of analysis.

but seriously 9.5 for GAL - what more do you need to do????? and hhow on earth will you fit it in?

on 29. (the 180s) - you gave yourself a 6. any chance you could explain your thinking on this one?

hope your having a good day


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
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Jim

Thanks.

9.5 for GAL, is losing .5 because I could do more effective or better GAL. In other words swap some of the stuff for things I like better. And I am not doing GAL gym stuff. I try and turn every opportunity into a GAL one, so I convert non GAL to GAL, it does not take more time.

#29 I am not consistent enough that's where I loose points. I flake on the 180s sometimes I don't reach the finish line. particularly if I am tired and it almost always is with boundary enforcement. I still leave H to occupy the house and he still does insufficient cleaning etc, but it's hard work enforcing boundaries. I still carry the load for our lives and much as I want to change that, I can only take so much spew per week.
When the house is sold I will only need to carry my own load.

There are others I am not particularly willing to work on either #19 and #31. I am afraid that if I do this H will feel he has the advantage again. I am not sure that i want to either, there are times with H and his control and aggressive behaviours I feel afraid, like I am inadequate and judged. H may consider me looking at him as a direct challenge in a primal way. Instead I project love and understanding from my tummy not my head. I try to demonstrate that I am more content when I am away from H which is the absolute truth. Sometimes, especially when he is drunk, he makes my skin crawl and I have been physically sick at the unpleasantness or maybe that was the tooth! I associate H and the tooth with enormous pain, but I am trying to save my tooth and my M.

The other heavily underscored items are health issues and that wretched tooth has set me back, but as per gg, corner has been turned and this is a priority.

H threw this into the family and friend #6 arena by his abuse and my family friends and family have made comments such as 'cut your losses', 'get out' 'we would rather he did not come along' and 'we will put up with him for your sake'. This is sad but I do try to stay positive., discussing issues in gam anon and here on the boards, where I can let loose with my sitch and supported in the actions I want to take, but some discussion with family can't be avoided.

In #8 I included the gift of time as well as presents.

As discussed in the DR book, this is a 6 month health check for me, a state of the nation so to speak. I like measuring things, it's part of the ADD tools to help me focus.

As always Jim you made me put my thoughts into order.
Vanilla

Last edited by Vanilla; 12/20/14 03:38 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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that makes more sense to me now. I'm someone who finds that the best way to order my thoughts is to have to explain it to someone else - the issue is that verbally they get the ordering as i'm speaking

There's a couple of bit i just want to pick up on but first off

Originally Posted By: vanilla

I feel afraid, like I am inadequate and judged


This is awful, and I'm sorry that this is how you feel. noone should have to go through life feeling that way.

Originally Posted By: vanilla

Instead I project love and understanding from my tummy not my head.


i'm afraid i dont quite understand this. could you explain please


Originally Posted By: vanilla

I try to demonstrate that I am more content when I am away from H which is the absolute truth. Sometimes, especially when he is drunk, he makes my skin crawl


the way you phrased this threw me slightly and it might be my misunderstanding. If you were detached then you would be demonstrating that you are content irrespective of whether you are away from him or not and remember he doesnt see you away from him.

on my psych thing at work recently my boss gave me a really low score on my ability to make independent decisions, where as all my peers and reports (and other senior managers) gave me a really high score. when we discussed this i realised its because i act very independently - i only go to my boss when i have a problem or need a decision. this means the only thing he ever sees is me needing help with a decision and so that is his point of reference but not a true reflection.

The other thing to say is that at the moment my wife is not pleasant to me, shows very clearly (and says when she bothers to speak to me) that she is happier when i'm not around, when she doesnt have to interact with me. This is very VERY hurtful given that i promised to share my life with her and always love her, as she did to me. The disdain and contempt does not feel much less worse, if at all, than the betrayal of her affair.

I say this because i wonder if his perception of what you are projecting to your H is not 'i'm happy in these other activities' but instead 'YOU make me miserable and grumpy' and that makes him feel inadequate, may be even judged?

as always just my interpretation so i might be way off


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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