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Daring, I’m so sorry it came to this. I can’t believe these MLCers. You have 3 kids at home and he is asking for spousal support. Is he not a capable man and cannot work to support himself? This is ridiculous, but not surprising with MLCer.

Find a good lawyer and don’t let your H take advantage of you. Good luck.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Daring

I guess in the end we just never know what our MLC will do in the process of D or anything else.

Job wanted me to read your latest posts since Im thinking very seriously about filing for D myself, and to prepare me to not be naive and belive H will just go along with the D.

Thanks for sharing and it seems like you got you business hat on tight.

I guess I better get mine on if I do file.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Daring- I am so sorry you have to deal with H's erratic behavior. I agree that MLC breaks that empathy chip and lawyers can be ineffective because the MLCer iis so easily led. I am seeing that firsthand in my sitch.

I think you are right to stand firm. Stay strong and know many of us are sending you our support.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Thank you Bright, 2B and 123Gwen. I so much appreciate all of your support.
The man who is doing this is not the H I know- maybe he will come back eventually but I can't focus on that hope right now. Need to take care of me and kids.
I'm at lawyers office right now waiting to meet. Highly recommended firm by many people. I plan to draft a counter to his terms. And I'm prepared to go to court if I have to. H is freaking out a bit. He doesn't know I'm meeting with a lawyer but he definitely senses the shift in my interactions.

He sent me a 2 page text today which I will share because it shows just how messed up these MLCers are. He really is all over the place.

" I wanted to take a moment away from all of the mess and pain and focus on something important. You and I have accomplished an amazing amount of wonderful things in our lives. Looking backwards over time and focusing on the positives is something I wish I had done more of along the way because there are so many to think about.

Kids are an easy win. We spent most of our lives focused on them and it was worth it in so many ways. They are amazing. So intelligent, independent and caring - all of them (yes even Sean - watching him with Haley makes me so proud). The kids have a great model in us on how to treat people with respect, love, understanding. They will all go on and have successful deep relationships.

You have had the most incredible career imaginable. I am so in awe of everything you have accomplished. I respect the effort you have put it at every stage, every sacrifice, every bit of yourself you have poured into all of it. I am so thankful for the support you’ve given me over the years to allow me to try and find a career that is worthwhile. I’m not sure that I have found it yet but I am very appreciative of how amazing you have always been to all of us.

I am so proud of you and how many people’s lives you have touched. You have created something for everyone to strive towards, your kids, me, our friends, our family all the people you work with and all your patients and their families - we all see you giving all of yourself to help others. You are the perfect example of giving your heart to help other people.

Our relationship hasn’t always been “perfect” in whatever fantasy world people imagine love being perfect. It has been us figuring things out through incredible struggles along the way. You never “broke” you just keep fighting and figuring out new ways to get better, healthier and move forward. We’ve been through some darkness and have experienced some amazing highs together. Everything from the beginning of our relationship forward was the world pointed against us - being broke, in debt, stupid long hours, leaving us with crappy ways to communicate at times but you stuck through it all.

You deserve a love that you have offered at every step. I’m happy that we’ve been able to accomplish so much in very meaningful ways in our lives thus far. yes our relationship has evolved over time into something different but I am very much still in awe of the woman and the person that you are. I very much appreciate what you have brought into my life.

Thank you for being you."

He is clearly an alien!!


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
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Wow, that was from someone who has filed for D? Heck, it sounds like a Hallmark greeting card for happy anniversary. Believe me when I tell you, do not trust anything he agrees to until it's in writing and done. I made the mistake of giving in after W made promises and she just "forgot" what she had promised or "changed (her) mind" and, of course, she "can't help that she changed (her) mind" (yes, that was what she said. Like her mind is some separate thing that she has no control over!).

From what he wrote it sounds to me like he should be taking you on a trip around the world, not dumping his M! Use this as proof that he is just not in his right mind and remember that as your D progresses. Don't give an inch! Oh, by the way, in TX unless the S CAN'T make a living because of disability or illness or such, there is no S support. Doesn't matter if they have a job yet or not. If they are able to work, no support!

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daring,
That was a beautiful text and I agree w/Matt...he should be taking you around the world on a wonderful trip, not a divorce. He doesn't feel that he deserves you and he knows that he may not have been supportive 100% of the time, etc., and right now, he's depressed and feels the need to get this message out there and he does realize that you are a great person and deserve better than him. In a way, it reminds me of a good bye letter.

Stand firm, do not fold as he is not the man you married. Make sure that whatever he agrees to is signed and dated. They will say and/or promise one thing today and tomorrow it's a different story.

Take care.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Matt and Job- it really all is unbelievable!

Matt- thanks for your advice- as much as I love him and don't want a D, I can't let him walk all over me and I know that. I will make sure all is in writing. I have a good, strong lawyer who has worked with his many times- so he knows her. He already have me a counter proposal in the hour I met with him. I learned about the spousal support yesterday- thank God b/c I can't afford that even with my decent salary if I'm paying a huge chunk to the IRS and 90% of kids expenses.
And strangely it was our anniversary yesterday- 21 years-maybe he got hit in the head and remembered good stuff for a bit wink

Job- you are so right. He as always felt a little bit that he didn't deserve me. And I think he is feeling very guilty. It was hard because I think those words are sincere but it makes no sense to feel that way and not want to try and work it out. He is not the man I married.
I won't fold- I have a very fair counter offer and if he doesn't want to accept it we will leave it to the lawyers to battle it out. I know he wanted to do this without too much lawyer involvement so he doesn't want that- but he went down that road and he has to face his own consequences....

I'm trying to take care of me as best I can- this just really, really hurts.


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
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Well 3 1/2 hrs later we have an agreement that we are both ok with.
H pushed a little on a few things and I stood firm. It seemed to be more related to his concern about the amount he still owed to creditors. One of our debts turned out to be much larger than expected and that freaked him out a bit- but I wouldn't let him shift the assignment of the debt. So in the end I took 2/3 of the debt but I am also keeping the house and all that's in it. I also am giving him a portion of my 401K. We splt the kids expenses in a fair manner based on ability to pay them. No spousal support. There were some tense moments and there were some funny moments.
He apologized extensively for how everything came across and admitted that he hadn't really combed through the agreement before sending. He asked if I had questions about the clauses that were initially upsetting and said he wanted us to talk it through now because he doesn't want any negativity between us going forward. I found that to be interesting- it's like he is trying to wipe the slate clean.
He acknowledged the many mistakes he had made in the relationship. He talked about seeking attention elsewhere when he shouldn't have, pulling back when he should have reached out, and how it's humbling to have to go back and work for someone and acknowledge he can't do his own thing right now. He said he's ready to grow in that way though. When I mentioned he seemed to focus in on my flaws and mistakes, he said that was one reason he wanted to send that text yesterday- to get back to focusing on the positives about me.
He said I know you may hate me or not want to, but I still am here and willing to listen and help you. He wants the opportunity to be close going forward. I told him I have no idea what I can do going forward.

Today I saw the H I know in many ways. We hugged at the end of it- a very emotional hug. Then he was cradling my face and started to say something but didn't. I saw love in his eyes like in the beginning of our relationship. I also saw raw pain. I told him thank you for meeting with me. Then he left.

Assessment:
1. I stayed strong and didn't give in on any of my major issues. We were both flexible where it made sense.
2. There is still a lot of love there but he is a broken man right now. There may or may not be a future for us. I will move forward with my life but will not close the door completely.
3. This hurts like he!! but I will be ok.

Thanks to all of you for all of your support, sharing of advice and for being a part of this amazing forum!


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
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Daring,

Glad you were able to come to an agreement. Stay focused on you and your kids. You will be even better than you are now:-)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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I'm glad you were able to come to a reasonable agreement. I just hope he sticks to it and doesn't allow a lawyer to change his mind.

How are you doing now that you've gotten this under control, so to speak? I know it's difficult to look at them and see the person you once knew and yet they aren't the same people because they are truly broken. Maybe he'll grow up and be a far better man, more mature and responsible than before. At least we can hope for that, can't we?

Please find some time to take care of yourself this weekend. I know you are worried about your mother and have a lot on your plate, but please, be pamper yourself just a wee bit. Okay?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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