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OK Friends

Here is my old an apparently locked thread - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...119#Post2515119

I am still working the plan but evenings and mornings are very hard still. I feel like giving up during those times. I feel so alone and desperate. I feel like I can't do this.

My WAW continues her affair, expects me to be cool with it. I have GAL and am much more social than before. I have made a list of 3- 4 goals which I am diligently working on.

My WAW continues to ask me for "patience" and be comfortable with feeling uncomfortable. That is again not my strong suit.

I am giving her space, don't contact her unless it's about kids. That helps. She keeps throwing the affair in my face which is galling. I have chosen to not respond when she does that.

I am looking to this board for support and guidance that I am doing the right thing and trying to right my sinking ship. I look at this board daily for updates and notes from the kind people here.

WE have an upcoming day trip to Disney for our D6 which I am very nervous about. I honestly don't know how I can do a whole day without being a wreck. I of course won't bring up any touchy subjects. I want to ask that we both put away our phones, no texts, no emails, no phone calls, just focus on family time together. I think that is a reasonable request.

Thank you DB Forum and God Bless. Please chime in with suggestions, comments, rebukes if necessary.

JAN


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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...920#Post2515920

This is the link to my other Newcomers Board

I was confused at first how and where to post. Apologies abot that.


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Quote:
Trying to look into myself -looking for self awareness
Always have been protective of my inner cie whic is nam protectiln strategy
From moving much as Army brat. Don't let your options show
With people as you will only get hurt when you have to
Leave again. I can see now how this strategy has
Been damaging to those I love most. They see it
As emotuonally distant- I saw it as self protection.
I think this is an insight - potential breakthrough?

So what would you do differently?

Welcome to your new thread.


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Cade - I don't honestly know. Try to be open to oher people and to their pain. I am trying to be open to my pain. I am trying to be real about my vulnerabilities and how I have tried so hard to mask them over the years and how it all crashed down on me. I have been cold to others and unmoved by their pain. I am ashamed of that aspect of my character. It is if I viewed feelings as negative and harmful and how I must suppress them.

I will work on leting myself authentically feel and see/hear others feelings more. I will work on empathy fo myself and others in this world.


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Originally Posted By: NAJ1964
Cade - I don't honestly know. Try to be open to oher people and to their pain. I am trying to be open to my pain. I am trying to be real about my vulnerabilities and how I have tried so hard to mask them over the years and how it all crashed down on me. I have been cold to others and unmoved by their pain. I am ashamed of that aspect of my character. It is if I viewed feelings as negative and harmful and how I must suppress them.

I will work on leting myself authentically feel and see/hear others feelings more. I will work on empathy fo myself and others in this world.


I'm going to push you a little bit here -- what does authentically feeling and identifying others feelings look like for you? How would you show vulnerability? How would you measure yourself and identify success with doing this?

Have you started seeing an IC? I can't remember.


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NAJ, watch Brene Brown's TED talk called The Power of Vulnerability. 20 minutes very well spent for anyone, especially people like us going through the biggest crisis of our lives.


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Just watched the Brene Brown's TED tall- thanks for the suggestiom - it was just what I needed to hear/feel.

Yes, living with vulnerability takes courage and honesty. It is a very tough concept that you can love someone and trust them yet, there is no guarantee they will love you or reciprocate that trust. Wow. That resonated deeply with me. I have always been relucant to share my real self with the world for fear of rejection because

1) - Belief that I am not truly loveable
2). Not willing to be 100% open to myself and the word and others as it will lead to rejection
3). Shame that I am not loveable, thus I live a closed life, it's safer, more predictable but a limited way to live.

These are all things I will work on over time.

a). I am loveable
b). I will open myself up to the joys and pain of the world and other people in the efforts to connect authentically
c). Eliminate shame through conscious efforts to let people see/hear/experience the real me, warts and all.


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How I will measure success to the above is by the following:

I will have more friends and be open to sharing my life more with others outside of my family of origon.

I will volunteer more and work towards connecting with people (girl scout troop leader)

Let people see/hear me and the painful and difficult situations in my life. I will work on letting go of judgement or fear of what others will think of me.


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JAn,

My suggestion for the Disney trip is to go for about two to three hours then leave saying that you need to organize for the pizza party. Perhaps invite a few of D6's friends to come a long and rope in other parents to chaperone. Maybe one other Mom or Dad.

Originally Posted By: NAJ1964
Let people see/hear me and the painful and difficult situations in my life. I will work on letting go of judgement or fear of what others will think of me.


A word to the wise: the ideal way would be one or two of your most trusted friends/people. You don't want to frighten people off with sharing the most deep and dark secrets right off bat. Friendships take time to develop and nurture. Try to be mindful of this, ok?

Love your goals.

What are your weekend plans?

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Update

Today I was dropping off my 2 kids. Unfortunately I had gotten sick, barfed and was having a bit of trouble. My WAW pulled into the parking spot behind me (I was not expecting to see her at all) and took the kids into school.

She texted me today and asked how I was feeling. I did not reply. She texted m to see how our S9 holiday party went, I did not reply.

She stopped by my office at work, sat down and asked how I was feeling. I was surprised she stopped by and was pleasant but distant. She asked me to "tell her" when situations like being sick come up. I said "OK, nodded and said I hear you". She said "I need to know so I can help".

She made some idle chit chat and I just sat there and looked at her. She got up to leave and I just said bye.

I did not initiate any convo, just answered her questions, validated what she was saying and then said bye. We made eye contact for about 30 seconds which was weird.

Summation - was this a good example of DB technique (detach) or not. I am never sure what I am doing is "right" or will lead to my goal. The interacton did not feel mean, just distant as if I were talking to a neighbor.

Thoughts anyone???


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