Still doing LRT....

[Sotto]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2496079&page=1

So, I hope this has all worked okay. My second thread has started. Just to recap:

BD in July "I'm having an A. I'm confused and need to visit OW.
Separated in July - I moved out (to parents 2 hours away)

Lots of talking July-Sept. H confused about what he wants
September - I start LRT with 'dim' contact - no emails or talks since then

November - friend tells me H says our R is over (he hasn't told me.)
Things sound rocky with OW who lives abroad & has an on/off OM

December - I moved into a rental flat. Plan for NC over Xmas period

[Sotto]

So, I'm wondering what the DB position is on Xmas messages to WAS.

I was thinking of sending a joint text on Xmas eve to H and to SS. saying:

Hi X & Y. Just wanted to wish you both a merry Xmas. Hope you have a good time. Toots x

What do people think please? Of course I would have no expectations, but I feel a bit weird just not sending anything at all....

[twinmom]

I would send it. Did you buy a gift for ss? Personally I would. Send it/go visit, it doesn't matter.

[edz]

Hi Toots

Personally I got W a card and small gift (nothing like normal and the card is subdued and not romantic) in my case she suggested bringing s over on boxing day and joining me for a small Christmas drink (he is with W Christmas eve and Christmas day) so this seemed right rather than meeting her at the doorstep with a drink and not giving her anything.

You are in a very different situation but I'd agree with twinmom that I'd definitely get something for ss.

Just my 0.02 though

[Sotto]

Sorry, should have clarified. SS and his Mum are coming to mine a few days after Xmas for some lunch and he'll open his presents from me then.

But I thought it would be good to wish him and his Dad a merry Xmas too....I'll sent the text as well.

[twinmom]

I would say something like H and SS, have a wonderful christmas and happy New year! SS, can't wait to see you in a few days!

This shows H you are staying involved with SS without needing him....

[Pink17]

Hi Toots,

I think it's a good idea to send him a card and even something (gift) you know he would appreciate.

You have been away from him and not giving him any trouble, he can't hold any grudge against you. You have been (and are) his W for many years and even though things are rocky now, you can still talk to him or send a card or text him.

Who knows if he is also thinking what you up to during the holidays. Try to keep it gentle and nice, something that means you, but does not get into the romance part.

I think that even with all what is going on, there is probably a chance to keep it friendly. Maybe he will think about talking to you about what is going on.

I know it is hard not to think about OW and how wonderful it may be when H is with her and all the stuff that can make you depressed. But he fell in love with you before, so he still have some feeling for you, and maybe he can fall in love with you again.

You know, I said I need to stick a needle on my H because he was to quite and distant and it worked. He saw me on Friday and I think he got very curious why I was so happy and had a big smile.

Well, he is finding out I am not dead, and I am giving myself a chance to be happy again with him or without him.

Hope that helps, I will be cheering for you whatever direction you go. I want you to feel happy and be happy.

Hugs,
Pink

[UpperCu]

Why not send the text only to SS? You've got no issues with SS (I assume) and your silence with H speaks loudly and says many more things than your own words could say.

[unbidden]

I agree with Pink. This is likely not the time to continue with LRT, IMO. The WS has to know that being around you can be fun and different and he won't get to experience that unless you're in contact. Have you thought about DB coaching? I used one, Chuck, and his advice was invaluable. He said to keep meeting up with my H and have some fun, stress free times together, and it worked. Just something to think about.

[twinmom]

Unbidden, I used Chuck also. I didn't agree with his advice on a few things. He told me also to spend time with H, he also told me not to fight H taking our 2 yr old twins overnight to OW house after dating her for 3 weeks....

[unbidden]

That's odd. I wouldn't expect that from Chuck. Regardless, what would you suggest in this situation?

[twinmom]

I would suggest a text, but keep it a "group" text. I wouldn't pursue him at all. As long as toots made it clear in the beginning she wated the marriage to work if he was willing then I wouldn't chase.

P

[Sotto]

Thanks for the debate guys! I'll send a group text on Xmas Eve along the lines already discussed. I liked the suggested addition to SS of looking forward to our visit! H may feel he's missing out on something fun...

I haven't really considered DB coaching. I'm in the UK, so presume it probably isn't available over here...?


Toots :-)

[twinmom]

Coaching is all over the phone.... So phone charges might be more expensive but other than that you can hire a coach. It is really pricy though...

[unbidden]

Yes, coaching can be pricey, but my larger point was that Toots has been doing LRT for a while now and it doesn't seem to be working so it might be time to at least think about a different approach. Just my opinion. It worked for me.

[Pink17]

Hi Toots dear,

The ideas flooding here are something to think about. Your sitch is a little stock right now and maybe it's time to review the techniques you are using.

No contact is good, I am doing it myself as you know it. But never contact may be something to think about. Like, how long time you have been with no contact? Do you feel it is working? Are your goal being met?

I am not very good about measuring goals and results, but I need to admit that is a form to measure our efforts.

This time of the year gives you the advantage of being spontaneous and even polite to approach him. The excuse is great and he won't feel like you are pursuing him. In any way, it would be an absurd for him to think you are after him after all you have been doing.

Think about and write your thoughts here so we can help to storm the ideas and get to something you feel comfortable with.

Hugs
Pink

[Sotto]

I agree maybe we are stuck & I'm not sure what to do. Last time we spoke was in mid Sept. H told me he was confused and 'not moving' & that things had to 'run their course.'

Since then we text every week or so about house stuff etc. He's always friendly & helpful with texts. But of course he has told our mutual friend that he knows our R is over & that he wants a family going forwards. He doesn't know that I know this.

Things don't seem happy & settled with AP. I think her OM is still on the scene, or H wants her to return to the UK. Either way, he's giving ultimatums to her, then not seeing them through. I imagine she's back for a visit now & he may be with her from Xmas day onwards as his S is with his XW from then.

It made a difference us meeting up in Aug. He still had romantic feelings for me & said it would have been easy to be swept away, hold my hand etc. He was clearly tempted to 'cheat' on OW with me then. He said he has low self control at the moment. But I was very firm & told him I wouldn't do that.

I guess I'm nervous about initiating contact now, because it gives him an 'in' to tell me it's over. DR says to do LRT as long as you can hang on in there. And I guess I've been hoping the A will 'sour' & he will hit rock bottom etc.

I made my choice to move to my parents & I worry it's working against me now as we're 2 hours apart & don't see each other, due to kids etc. I try & make the most of any texts, mentioning GAL etc.

I guess I'm also thinking - is this a MLC & nothing will make any difference anyway? I just don't know. When we last spoke be said his greatest fear is not finding again the happiness we had 12 months earlier. But I don't know, maybe he's just saying what he thinks I want to hear.

Any comments & suggestions welcome!

[Sotto]

Thinking some more about the above. I'm just going to send my 'Merry Xmas' text for now and carry on as I am into the new year. 10th January will be 6 months after BD and a good time for me to reassess things.

Have a merry Xmas everyone!

Toots xx

[Sotto]

Well, I decided to send my Xmas text - a joint one to H and SS - this pm. Just wishing a merry xmas and hoping they have a good day, plus that I'm looking forward to SS's visit at the weekend.

Got texts back from them both within a few mins, saying Merry Xmas etc back. Saw them come through, but will open them later!

So, that's all done. Not expecting any more contact now, and just need to get through Xmas itself... ;-)

[okjpc]

Thanks, Toots, for the thread. I also have been wrestling with sending a text msg to my W for Xmas. I sent a nice card a few days ago with some gift certificates to the nice movie theater in town so she can take her kids. The only contact I have offered in 6 weeks is this Xmas card, anniversary card the week before and bday card for SD at the beginning of Dec. No response/acknowledgement of any of them. Sending a simple text like you did seems like the right thing to do, but maybe after three cards in a month I should lay off? I probably have nothing to lose. I'm pretty close to losing hope of ever having contact, let alone fixing the M. Sorry to hijack the thread. I only meant to say "thanks" 😀
And Merry Christmas.

[Sotto]

Hi okjpc

For me, I just figured that I have spent the last 10 Christmases with H and SS. It wouldn't feel right for me to just ignore it. I guess it was just about me trying to be the person I want to be through all this madness. I also decided to send a little email to H's family, wishing them a merry Xmas.

I figure no-one can be really offended by you sending them good wishes. But they may be offended if you don't. I thought H and SS would respond, which they did, and now it is done.

I think as long as it won't mess up your Xmas in any way, and you don't have any expectations, then send the text. I decided to do it on Xmas eve instead of Xmas. Doing it on Xmas eve felt less intrusive to me.

Good luck with whatever you decide, and have a merry xmas! Toots x

[twinmom]

Merry Christmas Toots, hope your day was enjoyable.

[Sotto]

Yes, we had a pretty enjoyable day thanks. Mum, Dad and I were invited over to a friends house Xmas morning for some drinks and nibbles. So we spent a couple hours over there. After that, we had a late lunch and opened presents, then watched a movie.

I watched the Queen's speech for the first time ever, so managed to achieve a little long held dream there. Earlier in the day I didn't think of H too much, but he was on my mind later in the day when it was quieter.

But overall, it was as nice a day as I could have expected, given everything, and I'm pleased it is now 'done.' Hope you had a good day too...Toots x

[Pink17]

Hi Toots,

I am glad you sent the text wishing H and SS a Merry XMas. I agreed with you that you had so many XMas together that was very polite to send them wishes. I am finding out that maintaining a good friendship can be a good way to have contact.

I am glad you had good XMas, my dad passed away a few years ago and my mom is 5000 miles away. So, I envy you to have mom and dad so close and giving you comfort.

I am very curious and excited to find out what will be your next goals. You said previously that it's about 6months of DBing and that you will reassess your sitch. Let us know, so we can try to give some ideas.

Hugs,
Pink

[Sotto]

Had a nice 'late Xmas' with my sister's family today. Felt good to be out on the road and catching up on their news. Tomorrow I have SS and his mum coming for some lunch and presents.

Feel my PMA has taken a dip recently. It was hard having a virus before Xmas. Then I pulled a muscle in my chest when I coughed, and then the holidays to get through. It hasn't been awful, but I have felt 'dented' by it and have had low moments.

But I can feel positivity on the rise again....you can't keep a good woman down for long! I have a couple of nice things planned with friends next week, and then it is 2015, and who knows what this coming year will bring for all of us.

For now, I've just poured a little glass of wine and am catching up with sitches on the forum thinking.....gosh, I'm lucky to have found these guys.... x

[Maybell]

(((Toots)))

Yes, this is a helpful support crew.

Happy new year! 2015 is going to rock!

[Pink17]

Toots,

You sound really good. And as you said, who knows what 2015 will bring to us all.

I hope it will be better then 2014, it was probably the most difficult year in my life. A lot of bad things happen then.

So, do you know what will be your resolutions for next year? Did you finish your new set of goals. You mention that it would be six months soon and that you would review what you are doing and what you could do next.

Today, I am all mixed up, confused. H came to the house on the 26, ate dinner with us. He was very nice, but was quite again, then he said he was tired and left.

Sometimes I just wish that he would make a decision, any decision and not be in Limbo land.

Well, hope you are having good days now, you sound very positive.

Hugs to you.
Pink

[Sotto]

Yes, I do need to think about resolutions. Most years I have some, but 2015 is an important year! Pink, sorry you are feeling a bit confused. Just try and remember to be the lighthouse - solid and sure - even if your H is getting tossed about by the waves. This isn't a sprint, it's a marathon...

I had a good visit with SS and his Mum today. They decided to make a trip of it and book an overnight stay, so I'll see them tomorrow too.

We exchanged presents and opened them. Then SS handed me a present and said this is from my Dad. I felt a bit wierd, but opened it with them. It was a brooch from a local art gallery. There was also a Xmas card, saying Merry Xmas Toots, love from H and SS.

I was taken aback really. Some years I don't think I even got a Xmas card from H when we were together! Sent H a little text saying we had a good visit & thanks for the gift. He hasn't replied.

[Faith2b]

Omg Twinmom my ex has had a girl for 3 going on four weeks and I am devastated the kids have been around her.I think that it is something I cant stop and it definitely will let him see he is in the wrong faster. It may be harder on us but hey this is in no way easy and if we don't let go and let them mess up then we will be alone and our kids will be around the OW anyways. This is the thing I cant shield my kids from pain I can only be their for them when the hurt and assure them that Im here and that their will be an end to the hurt regardless if me and daddy come back together. This is a family affair and we have to remind ourselves that regardless we can all be apart of the moving forward process even when we don't like it.

[Sotto]

For a while I have felt that everything in my sitch was all bad news, but things have seemed a bit better in the past few days:

*Received a nice Xmas gift and card from H (very unexpected...)
*Got friendly emails from PILs in respnse to my Merry Xmas email.

I was really pleased by the PIL emails. Last time I emailed them in Sept, I got terse replies, and I felt they believed I had done something wrong. At Xmas, I decided to send a brief email wishing them Merry Xmas, just because it felt like the 'right' thing to do. And I got such a positive response. FIL sent a brief but warm response, and MIL a long newsy email about the family, with a final paragraph about how much she misses my smile and hopes this is a better year for me.

They and I had become good friends and I had felt 'forsaken' by them after their curt responses last time. I think if they didn't know about H's A before, they do now. And I'm glad I didn't need to tell them.

Had a good visit with SS and his Mum. They stayed for 2 days locally, and we got together for the afternoon each day. H's XW told me that H 'wasn't sure' about any of his Xmas plans, so she mostly has SS this Xmas - interesting...

Anyway, it feels nice for things not to be looking quite so hopeless - but I won't have any expectations of course ;-)

[Bunches]

Hey Toots, glad to hear you had such positive interactions for the holidays. Even small steps in the right direction are still steps in the right direction. Keep at it and good luck!!

[Sotto]

Felt in a reflective mood this morning. Last day of this year, and boy what a year it has been! Searing, painful, but at times peaceful and generous too. Not all bad by any means. I feel I have come quite a way since BD, and that feels good.

After H's XW (and SS) visited yesterday, she texted me to say thanks - that there is a lot of love in my life here, and she enjoyed being part of it for a little while. It made me realise that I am lucky right now - and that I don't always appreciate my parents enough!

It was dark when I made a coffee this morning. I lit a couple of tealights & put them on the windowsill - one for me and one for H. Just to wish us both well in our journeys this coming year..

[Pink17]

Toots my darling,

Your words sound and feel so peaceful. It translate how much work you have been doing with yourself.

It's so amazing your friendship with your H XW and SS, life's design is really strange sometimes, when we never know where happiness is coming from.

I am so glad you have some positives coming your way, I sometimes think that it can't be all bad all the time.

I guess life comes in waves. From the bottom of my heart I wish you a very good and lovely NEW YEAR!

Hope that 2015 will bring joy to your heart and that your H will get to his senses. You are an incredible person and sure deserve good in your way.

Lots of hugs to you and again a Very HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Pink

[Sotto]

Well, I don't feel very peaceful now, I'm feeling a bit cross! Not that anything has happened today - other than I read an old post by Rob X - setting boundaries, and I just felt cross about everything. I thought - I should be doing this! So - up and down etc..

Pink - a very happy new year to you, and I truly wish you all the very, very best for 2015. This has been such a tough year for us - and hopefully good things lie just around the corner.

XX

[Sotto]

Just received a happy new year text from H. Interesting.....I had decided I wouldn't send one, having sent an Xmas message. I'll reply, but I'm leaving it for a bit.

He definitely seems to be reaching out a bit more. I'm not sure of the status with OW, but I think he may not have found the Xmas period easy....

A big happy new year to my lovely DB friends. I don't know what I would have done without you this year. I'm hoping 2015 will be a good one for us!

[twinmom]

Can I suggest something? Instead of replying with a text can I suggest a pic instead? I don't know what your plans are but may I suggest replying to H with a selfie clearly showing you in lots of make-up/hair done/party dress with a caption that reads "to a new year full of happiness and new experiences, muah Toots"

[Pink17]

Toots,

So glad your H is reaching out to you. It could be that things are not going so well w/OW. Like the statistic says, most affairs end very fast.

Besides, he is also getting to know this side of you. He probably expected you to have a b***h fit and bother him, instead you are moving on and is doing well without him. As much as we think they just forgot us, I don't think it is the case. Your H thinks about you, and probably wonders how life would be if he comes back to the M.

Hope things start getting a new direction this year. Be cautious, don't have any expectations so it doesn't hurt. "I should be giving myself this advice".

Hugs,
Pink

[Sotto]

Thanks Pink. It may just have been a touch of the Christmas blues for him. And yes, I'm not going to have expectations. I haven't really been thinking of him all that much the past couple of days.

Went out for lunch today with an old friend. Not seen her for a year or so, and we talked about my sitch. I was pretty calm, not tearful or angry. She said I seemed very strong about things - that I seem to have become a stronger person than I was before.

My best friend and her little boy are coming for lunch tomorrow - they haven't seen my new flat yet. And then on Tues, I start my new yoga class - first new GAL activity of the year (RD take note..)

Not much to report apart from this. Feeling pretty steady though.

Oh, apart from a fear that keeps popping into my head. I met H when I was 35. I was a bit shy and a bit of a late bloomer really. So, although I had boyfriends before H, they were all pretty short term - less than a year. So he has really been the 'one' for me. What if I can never get over him?

I know it's not very rational - of course I can get over him. But I just have this irrational fear of always loving him, but not being together again, and never really recovering.

Oh, and my other fear is - was I just bad at choosing someone?

[jim0987]

But I just have this irrational fear of always loving him, but not being together again, and never really recovering.

Its a big fear to have but it is irrational. as long as you know that

you probably will always love him in some way, noone can be part of your life for 11yrs and for you to not love them at all in anyway. Its what you do with that that matters, whether that love is used for compassion and forgiveness or whether it becomes bitterness and hatred (my parents opted for the latter after their divorce)

and as for the short term boyfriends - so what?

I got really stressed out (proper breakdown stuff which did serious damage to our Marriage) over the number of exs my wife had had (2 relationships cover my history since i was 19 and there is a lot more to this story, but....). She kept trying to tell me that she had all those exs because she was choosy, if she wasnt then plenty were good enough, but in the end she picked me because it was me that she fell in love with (we'll gloss over that she regrets this now). I wished i'd listened

anyway my point is you picked the right person and you didnt settle for second best. you can make a good decision and have a bad outcome, its one of those things. as long as you try to make a good decision thats right for you, the odds will play in your favour.

[Pink17]

Hi Toots,

I think it's something everyone here have at some degree, in different ways, for different reasons: FEAR.

I too think about loving my H and never be able to share a life w/him again. After 18y there are so much that sometimes words are not necessary, it just the look and we know.

I also have this fear that no one will ever love me the way he did. And guess what, probably not, probably if there will be someone else, it will be a different love, but who knows, it can be even better.

I think that in general breaking up is one of the hardest thing. Death is final, divorce is eternal and painful.

You are doing great, considering all what you have been through.
Keep you head up.

Hugs,
Pink

[Sotto]

Had a nice day today. My oldest friend (from uni) came for a visit with her 7 year old son. They hadn't seen the flat before and were very excited. We had some lunch and some good laughs. She got the sitch update.

I took them off to the bookshop where I volunteer and we chose some books for her little boy. He was very excited. Then they came back to mine and he cristened my loo with a large...well, I'll leave that to your imagination! Needless to say he was very pleased about that!

I was thinking this morning about MWDs 4 chapters towards the end of DR - on infidelity, MLC, depression and passion meltdown. Thinking about our sitch, there are elements of all of these, and I guess I get a bit confused sometimes about where to focus.

I still wonder whether my H might be in MLC. He has done some of the classic stuff - lost a pile of weight, got some new clothes, became generally dissatisfied with life.

But he has also said to me he thinks he's been struggling with depression for the last few years. That he felt a big hole of loneliness right in the middle of his heart - not from our marriage as such but from working away and the amount of time he spent alone.

Plus he also has an OW - and he has said to me he felt some of the spark went out of ML and if became a bit 'perfunctory.'

So, I read these chapters and think - we have some of all of this...does anyone else feel this, and how do I get a bit more clarity about 'primary cause' in my own mind...or it it just time will tell?

Settled in my cosy flat for the evening now - no GAL tonight....just me, the ipad and a glass of wine ;-)

[edz]

Hi toots thanks for popping by my thread, thought I'd pop by here.

I know I've had the same thoughts about my w, yes I brought my issues to the marriage but w has been so distant from me and brought up the whole seeing if she can do things herself thing.

No sign of om in any of this unless w is the best concealer ever but I bounce between wondering is this mlc and my pseudo nc / available but not too available approach.

Its a weird balance between trying to work out the best approach to moving forward / standing for ourselves and not going too far and into mind reading.

Hang in there toots, you're doing great.
Edz

[zew]

So, I read these chapters and think - we have some of all of this...does anyone else feel this, and how do I get a bit more clarity about 'primary cause' in my own mind...or it it just time will tell?

Toots, sure, many of us have wondered whether it is "fog" or MLC, or, or, or.

There was a time in my sitch when I thought MLC would be great, because then at least I would know what I was dealing with. I remember Sandi once asking me why I was so anxious to label my WAW. And her point was simply that it makes no difference whatsoever to our course of action.

I look at my W, and I see the affects of the A fog, but I have heard her talk MLC, and I can see many aspects of a couple of Spectrum B personality disorders, and she's been prescribed AD's. A lot at play.

But so what? In the end it's all the same to me, as far as my course of action. I didn't cause it, I can't fix it. It's her path, her choice. She will change, or she won't and the D will become final, or it won't. She will figure herself out in her lifetime, or she won't.

I can only detach, work on me, and be as supportive as I can within my boundaries, and work toward the life I want for me. Putting the appropriate label on the wayward just doesn't seem that important anymore.

-zew

[Sotto]

Hi Edz and Zew

Thanks to you both for your responses. I think part of it for me is the control again - ok, what's going on here. Let's get it labeled up and filed in the proper compartment.

But it's good to let go of that and just recognise that all I can do is focus on me and detaching and GAL etc....he will do what he will do.

Probably we can't put things in a neat little box anyways - too complex with layers and overlaps.

Anyway, it helps me. I was kinda thinking...am I just missing something? Everyone else seems to know they are posting in the right category on the forum and I'm not sure, I should really work this out etc.

Mantra to self.....let go Toots...let go...

[edz]

Hi toots not alone in that I'm a very analytical person hence the Mr fixit surfacing sometimes, to not be able to determine "what's wrong" and be able to fix it is a special kind of torture for me and that's where I focussed my detuning and detatchment. That is still a work in progress, as indeed is this mk 3 me!

Still not sure what w is going through, needs to see or if she's been 100% honest on the issues she raised as "the problems" ultimately as zew / Sandi mention the label isn't as important as the changes we identify we need to make to ourselves for *our* benefit not the was.

Hang on in there my friend :-)

[labug]

I still wonder whether my H might be in MLC. He has done some of the classic stuff - lost a pile of weight, got some new clothes, became generally dissatisfied with life.

But he has also said to me he thinks he's been struggling with depression for the last few years. That he felt a big hole of loneliness right in the middle of his heart - not from our marriage as such but from working away and the amount of time he spent alone.

Plus he also has an OW - and he has said to me he felt some of the spark went out of ML and if became a bit 'perfunctory.'

So, I read these chapters and think - we have some of all of this...does anyone else feel this, and how do I get a bit more clarity about 'primary cause' in my own mind...or it it just time will tell?

Settled in my cosy flat for the evening now - no GAL tonight....just me, the ipad and a glass of wine ;-)

Primary cause...does it really matter? This is a life crisis, no matter what we call it.

Accept the reality of where you are, let him sort out his stuff if he's so inclined. That's the clarity.

RE-read your last sentence, what's so bad about that, huh? We so often define our lives by what's missing, rather than what we actually have.

[zew]

Anyway, it helps me. I was kinda thinking...am I just missing something? Everyone else seems to know they are posting in the right category on the forum and I'm not sure, I should really work this out etc.

Oh I get your perspective - figuring out root cause is something I do for a living. But it this case, I have learned to let it go. It isn't as if there's one of a thousand pills to take to fix this, if only we precisely identify the cause. Free yourself of tasks that have no purpose and only annoy you along the way.

As to posting in the right category, I look at it like a hospital:

Newcomers - this is the emergency room. People are in trauma and need lots of attention. Bad things are happening everywhere, and people are racing around their own minds. The objective is to stabilize.

Infidelity... - the bleeding has stopped. The patients need a bit of attention now and again, but they are largely able to follow doctor's orders and tend to their own wounds.

MLC - chronic care ward. It's calm here, there's a lot of acceptance of the situation. There's a lot of mutual support from others with similar conditions.

Post where you are comfortable with the level of care.

[labug]

zew, that's a great analysis.

Piecing is like .......hmmmm outpt physical therapy, pretty much self-managed with only occasional visits as needed.

[Sotto]

That is a good analysis...thanks Zew. I think I'm probably posting in the right place now. And thanks to you all for freeing me from the mission of finding the elusive 'root cause'

:-)

[zew]

labug, how Freudian of me... I didn't include Piecing I guess because I can't imagine it right now.

[Pink17]

Hi Toots,

You got some really good help from our friends here. It also helped me since I am in an exactly place as you are.

Wonka said that my H is out flat in MLC. I really think so too, all the obvious signs are there and some not so obvious are there too.

But the reality is that it does not change what I need to do with my life. All my decisions need to be regarding the life I want for myself. It's been very hard to glue myself together and move forward, I am trying my best just because I came back to this site and get so much good advice that makes me feel a lot better.

We are confused, hurt, anxious, feeling up and down all the time. But at the bottom line, at the end of the day we have ourselves and we need to do what's right for us to survive this big crises, change.

We may be in the long run here. The believe in the promises we made long ago, the strong values we have regarding M, the commitment to another person for good or worse. It's painful but as long as we decide it is what we want then we should be OK with that decision.

Detachment has been the hardest thing I have been trying to do. Never tough it would be so hard to detach since I am this kind of person of not staying to long on some issue. I guess I found out what really love is about. It's just too deep and too important for me.

Toots, I guess the best thing is to follow some folks that did succeed in their campaign. I have been reading Labug for now and at the beginning of her sitch, I noticed she was just like us, good and bad days, days of hope and days of solitude, missing her H with no answer of the outcome.

Maybe we just need to get some guidance from experience, at the end we will be OK. For now, the wound is very fresh and every little bit of salt hurts like lots.

We love you Toots, be well. We are all with you on this.

Hugs,
Pink

[Sotto]

Well, I took the plunge this morning and booked free consultations with two local solicitors. Friends have advised me to see as many as possible, but TBH I don't even feel like doing this, so I'll choose between the two, as long as one seems good. Both firms come recommended.

I figure I should get myself to a point where I'm ready to respond if H wants to file (tho I don't think he has grounds right now) and I understand how it would all work. I also want to know if there are any 'protective measures' I should consider taking.

It felt hard to take this step, but I hope it will give me some confidence and control in the event the worst happens. The appts are this Thursday and next Monday, so I now need to think about questions to ask....

[edz]

Hi Toots

Ive taken some free advice and I think thats sensible, yes definitely look to protective measures especially if you share assets such as houses etc.

As to grounds depends where you are in the UK, it varies between Wales, Scotland, N Ireland and England due to government refusing to allow fault free in England back in (I think early 2000s).

England has no fault free divorce option unless the couple has been apart for 2 years, so called quickie divorces in england almost always pick one of the partners to admit cause.

Ask the L to explain depending on where you are and you take care.

[Pink17]

Hi Toots,

I think you are doing the right thing for yourself. I took some free advice and as the time comes I still have some questions.

Like now, H wants to take his 401k to pay off bills, cars, etc. and I don't know if that would be a good choice for me at all.
At the end, it may hurt me more then help. I have 50% of his 401K, if we pay off all what we own, I will have none of that and a lot of our debt is his, for the family and not mine alone.

He wants to sell the house, but I told him I want to keep it. H then will probably want some deal as I need to buy his part from him. It is all math, but it could easily play against him in court since he makes a lot more money then I do.

This whole deal about the finances is painful. It's something we don't want to deal with, but it's necessary and the more info you have the better you will be.

Hope you get some good help there. And hopefully you won't need to get to this point to need all this. But who knows, better prepared then surprised. You are doing the right thing here, good luck to you.

Hugs,
Pink

[Sotto]

Just journaling. Did some volunteering this morning, then some work from home and my last IC appt. Been seeing the IC since early Sept, when I was still pretty hysterical and desperately seeking the magic bullet that would fix our R.

She was really positive about how far I have come and talked about core strength and groundedness. I mentioned this site and she was interested - plans to have a little look. We talked about some of the Xmas 'reaching out' from H - gift, card, NYE text etc. I haven't heard from him since NYE, so may just have been an Xmas 'blip' who knows. I guess time will tell.

The good thing is that I don't get consumed thinking about it like I would have done before. I wouldn't describe myself as 'detached' but I move on from thinking about things after a couple of days, which is less time than before...progress anyway.

Mozza's posting about the balance of 'keeping faith in a positive outcome, whilst engaging with brutal reality' resonated with me. It just reinforces what we already know. You just have to go through it....

So, things aren't too bad at the moment. I feel pretty calm and centred for now..

[Sotto]

Feeling a bit fragile this morning. Ever since I booked these two appts with Ls, I haven't slept too well. My brain knows it needs to be done, but my heart is pulling backwards. I know I need to take this step, but it just makes it all feel more real.

I don't think I have my head in the sand, but when you DB and detach, and don't have much contact with H, it's easier to be in a happyish, calmish place more of the time. But going to see a L brings me face on to things again - as Mozza has said, dealing with brutal reality.

I want to be businesslike, but I'm worried I may just sit and cry in the Ls office, and that would just be embarrassing. I started writing a list of things to ask, but I'm in a funny situation:

I don't want to file for D right now, but I want to be clear on what to do if I do file.
I want to confirm grounds for filing, and that I have them, but H doesn't
I want to know what financial options I have if we remain separated for a while - ie: I don't file for D, but 'stand' for a long time.
Should I consider taking any protective measures right now?...wills, pensions etc..
What kind of 'settlement' might look fair in our circs
How would costs and billing work

I'm hoping I'll just feel reassured and more in control. If nothing else, it would be good to have a solicitor chosen for if and when I do need them. Gather yourself Toots!

[jim0987]

I keep forgetting to check the boards that aren't newcomers til I remember that yours is over here.

I can understand your worried by the solicitor but its really a sensible thing. You've just got to manage his you use them. Plus the 'I will need to talk to my solicitor' is an incredibly useful card if your WAS is pushing you too hard.

I've had good advice from mine about the fault divorce options and what it all actually means. Once you've spoken to them you'll feel on more solid ground.

Before you go work out all your questions and read up what you can. The gov.UK site has the key basics.

Also I'd suggest looking up a bunch of Theodon's posts to get the right frame of mind.

Speaking to a solicitor is more about peace of mind than anything else.

Hope you have a good day.

[Sotto]

Thanks Jim. I had a useful consultation with the solicitor. It seems there are 3 options at this stage really.

Option 1 - do nothing for now. Solicitor did say that 6 months is relatively early days given the uncertainty and fallout following infidelity.

Option 2 - pursue a deed of separation via mediation. This would sort out our finances and any other 'practical' arrangements without divorcing. Divorcing would be 'simpler' if & when it happened. But this is a more expensive legal process given the 2 steps - deed, then potentially divorce. He said in his experience, people who go down the deed route end up wanting to finalise things with divorce very soon after anyway.

Option 3 - file for divorce and do everything in one go.

Of course separate to these options, he said we may want to reach informal agreement on any aspects too. But he did have some concerns given the scale of our assets and H's current stance on finances.

It was reassuring to know that there would be someone working with you who really knows what's what. The thing that concerned me was the level of contact that H and I would need to have with any of the formal options. Mediation meetings would be face to face etc. I don't know if I'm ready for all of that yet.

Lots to think about for now anyway....next appt is on Monday.

[edz]

Hi Toots,

happy you found it useful and reassuring. Sounds pretty much what I was told except I had her explain all the various grounds which, as Jim said, are pretty much what you find on the website anyway.

She confirmed in England no fault free so has to be one of those if under 2 years apart. No true grounds really.

Similar advice to me on option 2 as well, I was thinking this was a sensible option and protected us both if this separation is long term but we dont divorce but, ultimately, its so open to challenges and changes and mediation that it can cause conflict and push to divorce anyway.

I didnt raise it with w in the end and we sorted support for s (within 5% of CMS calculations anyway maybe a little less - not sure unless I count the days s sleeps over) financials are still too tangled but if I push to detangle them w despite saying she doesnt want maintenance for her, repeatedly in writing, would I think end up pushing for it (I know her mother has pushed her repeatedly to do so more to damage my position but thats my MIL for you)

Anyway, well done toots its not fun but its strangely reassuring to know more about everything.

Here if you want to chat

[Sotto]

Interestingly he suggested I may not want to file on grounds of adultery and use unreasonable behaviour instead, citing adultery within that....I'm not quite sure why that was. Something else to think about at some point!

[jim0987]

Hi toots,

Its because you have to prove adultery (unless they will admit it) where as you could say unreasonable behaviour of such and such which leads you to believe they committed adultery or are having a relationship which is intolerable to you. In this second option you only have to convince a judge that your belief and feeelings are reasonable rather than prove anything.

[Sotto]

I'm feeling.....vengeful tonight! When you start thinking about possible D it's really tmpting to just 'sock it to'em!' In UK law, you can cite OP as a co-respondent and seek 'filing' costs from them....hugely tempting! This is OWs second affair (that I know of) and I would love to see some 'chickens come home to roost..'

Of course the Ls don't advocate this approach as it causes 'acrimony'....like adultery doesn't??

Anyway, I'm not generally vengeful, and I'm sure I'll be sensible if I do ultimately decide to file....but a naughty little part of me would just love it!

Just needed to post and get it off my chest really.

[edz]

Hi toots

I can understand why someone would go there, being in this position is no fun and it happening because someone else was involved does lend itself to a "ah he11, you did this? well have fun with this..." Response. Ultimately it comes down to the great old loss vs gain again.

I know you've said your not likely to go there, its understandable why some people would though.

You take it easy

[Ggrass]

I get that whole naught side thoughts I get em quiet often.

I would love to, but then the door mat gene kicks right back in and the whole thing is shelved.

[Sotto]

H and I had some contact by text today. I needed a piece of information and he sent it over to me. He got back to me quickly & let me know he'd be home this pm and send the info then. And then he sent it over later.

There wasn't anything in the exchange above & beyond - hope you're doing ok & have a good weekend etc.

It made me think that some of the 'reaching out' over the festive season was just a Xmas blip. Oh well.

[edz]

Hi toots

My w is the queen of what I term passive text grenades. These are the texts that say 'ok' or 'fine' and used to set a live grenade in my mind and blow my PMA to small chunky salsa. Text messaging is such a poor medium for meanings anyway and we're all (ok,ok,*I* am) always looking for deeper meaning in these short text chunks.

An example from this evening, i tackled tesco and their garage (what fun on a friday) when i got back W had texted me to confirm times tomorrow to get s I answered around 10 as I'll get a haircut first (I presently look like a yeti). Two letter reply "ok".I know thats her uhoh response, I could have gone into my fret mode, worry what she meant what the problem was instead I texted back "earlier, later, more purple?".

Turns out mil & fil coming around at 10 to replaster a room (impending disaster approaching, not my issue, moving on) so shes panicking we'll run into each other, ruling out I have no worries being in my car running into mil (repeatedly preferably) I just said how about 8:30 I'll sort his breakfast she said compromise on 9 and I said okelydokelydoo and stopped texting.a huge change for me and shockingly I am in a good mood this evening afterward.

So on the whole I think you're right its an "oh well" hunky dorey okeydokelydoo moment and grab a Jaffa cake or chocolate coin (err they're on the coffee table ...what can I say) may mean something,it may be a busy day or the phones being a nucense but dont read too much into it is my advice, have a Jaffa cake

[Ggrass]

Hand full of Christmas mm on the way past the fridge! Lol

As you insisted edz. This is not helping edz. no feeding the dd (divorce diet) I will get fat again.

[edz]

Ah but not the magic powers of a Jaffa cake

No you're right back once chrimble chocs are gone I'm not replacing them toooooo tempting!

[Sotto]

So, it's 6 months since BD for me this week. I sat in bed with my book last night trying to recall what was the actual date. Was it the 8th or 9th July? I think it was the 9th. Then I thought, well if I'd known on that night I would calmly be sitting here six months later trying to recall the date, I'd be pretty pleased.

What have I done since then? Moved out. Moved area. Left my old job. Got some new work. Got a flat. started volunteering. Joined a couple of new groups. Started an exercise class. Hooked up with an old friend I hadn't seen for a while. Kept in touch with SS and his Mum. Done some courses. Had IC. Joined a support group. Found this forum. Kept a journal. Read a number of R books. started meditating, accepted invitations from various friends...I'm sure that there's more, and that I could have done more, but not too bad.

And what about H? We've not spoken since Sept. Neither of us has suggested speaking. We text. Mostly functional, but pleasant and the odd joke thrown in. I mention GAL stuff in passing. He sent me a Xmas present and card, and a HNY text on NYE. I think he had a bit of a tough Xmas, and reached out a little. Maybe that has settled now. I have no idea if the A is continuing. I presume it is - it all sounded very rocky pre-Xmas, so who knows what 2015 may bring.

Am I going to change my approach? I don't think it would be good for me to prompt any contact with H right now. Not since he told our friend our R is finished and he wants a new family in his life. Who knows what may happen in coming months. But I feel if I seek contact now, it will set us on a path to D. D hasn't been mentioned by either of us so far. Just him being lost, confused and unsure. So, I need to work some more on detaching and enjoying my life here - which I am in part.

I don't feel ready to file for D. I told myself I would review at 3 months and 6 months. I thought I might feel ready at this stage, but I don't. I read some really helpful posts on SS06's sitch today and I thought - yes, that's where I am. I'm just going to carry on DBing and see where it takes me. And when I'm ready for whatever, I'm ready.

So that's my six month round up - but if anyone has any pearls of wisdom, I'm all ears!

[Pink17]

Hello my lovely Toots,

I am so glad you are actually getting yourself in a better place now. You know, all that shaking was driving me crazy as well. It's nice to feel more control over our own lives.

It was a good review of facts you did. It put in a very clear perspective of how you started this journey and where you are at this moment. You are doing pretty good girl.

About the whole L business, it is good that you got some legal advice and definition. I did this too some time ago. Just to be informed at some basic questions. It really helps to know where you stand.

Filling for a D, I think you are right to wait and see where it all goes. If your H can't hurt you financially like selling properties, taking money from investments and sending it out of the country or even building huge debts that will be count as acquired during the marriage, then it's better to wait a little longer.

You sound so organized, I feel the pressure of getting my S*** together. I have papers everywhere now, need to get some house work done, and I feel I am always cooking to these boys, they eat like elephants.

Hey, loved the way Edz wrote to you. He is such funny guy. Love his kind of language with his W, I think I will try some of that new vocab with my H. KKKKKKK

Lots of Hugs
(((((((Toots)))))))

Pink

[jim0987]

Hi Toots,

your update really sounds like you've got yourself together and are pretty organised in it all. The more you enjoy you life there the better.

Christmas is always going to be an emotional time (man, do i feel much better now that its over even given whats happening all around me) but as with everything its best not to read too much into it.

I like your attitude for the next few months though. Any particular goals?

[edz]

Thanks pink, I've always had a slightly odd writing style, I think its because I am, myself, slightly odd

Toots I think that 6 month review is a great idea I shall ponder on that one myself, 23rd will be 6 months for me I'll have a think. As to your review I think you're doing really well there I also think you're right, I'm waiting to see how r with w goes without pursuit and my dbing continuing if we hit June/ July that may well change but otherwise it does seem wise to not push if there's no need to.

Keep going toots, you're doing great

[Sotto]

I saw the second solicitor today, and was much happier with her. She told me quite a few things I wasn't aware of and seemed much more 'modern' than the other guy I saw. I have engaged her now, but said it will be a little while before I come back and confirm what I want to do.

TBH, today I'm feeling maybe I should just file. It certainly isn't suiting me to be married to someone who's in a R with someone else! It would be beneficial financially for things to be settled too. I'll have a think about it and maybe I'm a ways off making that decision, but that's how I feel today.

In any case, I'm a step forward and now have my own solicitor.

[jim0987]

I think its really good you've got a solicitor - if nothing else i found it comforting to know that i've got someone i can run things past who actually knows what the legalities are.

[Sotto]

Struggling a bit tonight. It was good to se the solicitor, but it's thrown me for a loop too. I feel unsettled.

Part of me just wants to get on with it and file for D now. Bottom line is I don't want to be married to someone who's having a R with someone else.

I'm not sure that I'm a stander, and the thought of another six months of being linked together in the same way isn't appealing.

But I know none of this comes from a calm place, it is all just reaction. How did my M come to a place where H & I haven't spoken for nearly four months? I always thought we were one of the happiest couples around. And I feel I must have had my head in the sand as H became so unhappy with his life, he decided to ask other women out.

I just can't see us ever being happy again after this, and I'm not sure why I'm still trying to save 'us.' Sorry, just negativity from me tonight....tomorrow will be better.

[edz]

Hi toots

Firstly. Hugs.

Secondly I dont know how any of our sitches will turn out least of all mine but I do know that you're right and this isn't the solid ground to make a decision from. Everything won't be better tomorrow but you will be and the next day and the next regardless of the outcome you will become the best version of toots that toooted hang in there I know it can feel dark but were there with you.

[Sotto]

Thanks Edz. Just having a wobble. Didn't manage to get off to sleep until late, and a bit bleary eyed this morning. I find late at night is the worst time, and yesterday I just got myself worked up in a stew thinking towards possible D, and everything sort of shifts.

I guess it's just part of the process and we wouldn't be human if we didn't have these moments of wanting to throw in the towel. The thing is that we know the pain doesn't necessarily end with D - and that in itself becomes something to come to terms with.

I'm busy the next couple of days anyway - working away tomorrow. But like you I'm having a look at the new courses and plan to enrol on something this week. I have a short list but just need to make a decision.

Have a good day :-)

[edz]

No problems Toots, same to you

[Pink17]

Hi Toots,

I am really sorry you are feeling this way. The ups and downs of this whole nightmare. I can see why we have some hope and then we want to give up. It's so much emotions involved in the same time.

The wound that never heals, the uncertainty that never settles, the fear that settles in... it's all so mix in the pan, we get all worked out and it doesn't feel good.

One thing I noticed is that when I talk to my IC, I can get in touch with my values, my worthy, myself and even talk about the marriage as still a possibility. When I talk to a L it is so definitive, they do their job well, but they look at you and ask what are you waiting for? Why are you sitting on it while your S is having an affair and things can get really crappy for you. Why are you taking the risks to lose a lot if your S goes spastic and start spending a lot of money, and they can. What financial guarantees do you have for your life?

In my case they even say. You need to protect your children interests. Their father is not thinking about them right now and maybe will never. He is a selfish man that wants to move on and that's what you should see.

So, we look at our situation, we talk to IC, to a L, to friends that don't understand why we are waiting on someone that is cheating on us, and we come to these boards where there are some folks that saved their M. What a mix.

Sometimes I think I will go nuts, and I am sure you probably feel this way too.

I do not have a right answer for your sitch, really I don't know what to think. Why is your H so quite? Why he did not ask you a D? What is he thinking or doing?

I know it's not our job to mind read or get ourselves into thinking of their reasons, but it is really intriguing. And, like you are now, trying to figure if you file for D or not.

If you do, you are the one pushing to finish it all and maybe you are moving to fast, could have wait a little longer to see how this goes. If you don't, you feel trapped in a R of one, with not much hope, static.

In my best, I would say to always sleep on a tough, give some time to see if your feelings about filing for D are the same in a week or so. If it is, then maybe you can go for because you know something else changed inside you. If not, go day by day, or month by month doing all this mental exercises over and over.

You are doing fine Toots, hang in there. This L thing is very hard to digest. It feels very ending and it's scary.

Hugs,
Pink

[Sotto]

Thanks Pink - your posts always help me a lot...you're very kind and lovely!

Yes, I think it is the 'facing of the end' with the L that is frightening and reassuring all at the same time. But each of the two times I have seen L's I have felt really unsettled afterwards.

You are right about thinking on things. A big thing I have learned is not to start taking action when you feel low or emotional. When I do feel like that, I want to fire something off to my H saying I plan to file for D. Then I think - this is a big decision, just like getting M was - I can't make it like that. And so I'm back to DBing for now anyway.

I do feel calmer today, and feeling a bit hysterical last night made me realise that I'm pretty calm much of the time now, which is good. As for H - who knows Pink! He is one of life's 'avoiders' and so I can see him 'putting off' speaking with me about possible D, because he is frightened, or expects it will be dificult. Also, I don't think OW is pushing things. Last I heard, she was still partly involved with OM & abroad (sound familiar?) so I don't think there is anyone behind him pressing him to resolve things. But as you say - best not to mind read! He will do what he will do when he will do it etc.

What is this about Missionary plans??? These sound very exciting, and I expect will attract many, many GAL points....good for you my friend.

As for your H - who knows Pink? He's moving ahead for now and who knows how he will feel in coming weeks & months. If you look back at his confusion etc. That may continue for some time. My H has seemed all happy telling our friend our R is over and he wants a new family.....but as time goes on will doubt creep in? I do believe that both of our H's still love us at some level. Whether that leads them to turn back to our M's - we'll see...

For me and H - as we haven't spoken for months - I feel so far apart from him. In a way that gives me some space and peace, but also it is hard to imagine being together again. But if we were sitting on the couch and he cried, said he missed me and had made a terrible mistake, I could feel very different. But for now, I think I need to refocus on GAL activities and moving to a more detached place.

Hope you are having a good day xx

[Sotto]

Although I feel calmer, my mind is still on filing for D. H checked out of our M this time last year. My 'pain' started in March, when I discovered EA. Then BD in July with PA admitted.

I feel our M deserves a year at least. Am I able to give longer? IDK. I just need to let all of this settle and decide. I'm going to re-read why D doesn't solve things as homework and think about that too.

But I have started writing down points to raise when we have the D conversation, which I'm sure I will initiate at some point if nothing shifts.

*I want to let you know that I'm preparing to file for D
*Where we are is not my choice. My wish would be for us still to be together
*But - I don't want to be married to someone who's in a R with someone else
*I have heard you and thought about all you have said
*I understand you became unhappy with your life
*I love and respect you enough that I need to let you go now
*I'm moving on now. It's been a tough time, but I'm feeling optimistic now
*I know I'll be okay, and I'm finding happiness again
*I hope you'll find happiness too
*We can talk about practical aspects today, or another time if you prefer?
*I'd like us to agree who will file and on what grounds
*We also need to think about how we want the D process to happen
*My solicitor has explained options like collaboration or mediation, and court
*Do you want to take some time to think and we can talk next week?
*I can then ask my L to write to you and confirm intentions.

Am I ready to do this and really start moving on? I'm not sure, but it's so on my mind that I need to get it out and explore it. And any comments and thoughts from my lovely DB friends would be welcome...

[Ggrass]

Tooth toot toots,

We are in the same place. Pretty much one year point and it's still on with ow.

You know my thread, but I'm looking have been looking and will be looking at new people in my life. Both male and female. I wasn't allowed male friends. Simple.

You will be ok, and h might regret stuff, but anyhow that's his to own.

[edz]

Hi toots

I think you know from my postings but i set myself a line of June/July (1 year at that point) for this very reason. I think it means not only do I have a framework that helps me to deal with what's happening and give myself internal permission to detatch which helped enormously but also means I dont feel its an eternity ahead with no control other than w being able to end it. So what happens in July? No idea, not a point to worry on yet, that's the point. In July we may have moved on toward r or d or may be the same no idea... Yet.

I like your list idea but I'd take it one stage further, write it all down the ideas the plans and everything else and put it in a nice box. Know you thought about it all, know you're prepared but ...put it in that box. Obviously if you need to do anything to make sure you're secure do that first but for the rest... Work it out in your mind, write it down and put it in the box.you will know if its time to open it or to seal it for good.

For me, I've had dozens of conversations with w on r and d ....of course she wasn't there and I was talking, raving or bawling at a sofa cushion but it worked for me to get to the place I'm in now. No idea if its right or points to me having major issues but it worked for me of course there was counselling too and the books and the forum but we all need to process our own way. As I said to Jim theres no one way for detatching or processing all this, were all wired differently!

Take it easy matey.

[Sotto]

Thanks GG and Edz. GG, it's true isn't it. We know that WAS will often come to regret their choices. When? We've no idea.

Edz, thanks so much for your thoughts. When you say to write down all the ideas, plans and everything else in a box - do you mean include the other options to?

Option A - file for D
Option B - wait until July etc?

I think taking it a stage further is a good idea, but I'm not sure I understood....Sorry to be a little dense....

[edz]

Hi Toots

sorry was probably me was pooped by then but we had some horrid weather down here so couldnt sleep!

I meant the plans for D, what you want to say, how you feel now, if you want you could also write a long letter explaining it all and put that in there too. The idea was to allow you to get it out from tormenting you and ready but not necessarily jump into the action.

If you feel it is time to file then you have everything ready to go if not it can stay in the box. Of course if you are ready then go for it but, to me, if you're asking yourself that question it would seem you have some doubt in whether you're ready hence the box. Of course I could be completely wrong

Either way you should think whats best for Toots, yes I understand recognising the others feelings but be careful to listen to yours first and foremost and if you're not sure but you're secure, get off the bus and think about the destination (twice in a week ive used that quote, still cant remember where its from although I keep attributing it in my head to my granny!)



Take it easy
Edz

[Sotto]

Hi Edz

Thanks so much for that. I think that's exactly right. It is going round in my mind, and I think I needed to 'open the D box and start investigating it.' I am still unsure, but I can also feel the pendulum swinging a little closer towards D - you know?

I think I probably just need to 'get it out and explore it' for a bit - and then it may well go back into the box for a bit.

For a while I thought I would never file, because I didn't/dont want our M to end. But that is starting to shift for me. So I'm a little torn between wanting to exert some control on the process and move it along (Mrs fixit, work mode, lets push this forward) and dread of thinking, perhaps I should have given it longer, maybe we could have saved things.

So, I will give it some more thought and post further - but more on the basis of exploring things now for possible use later....At least I'm not feeling as scared of possible D as I once was :-)

[edz]

Hi Toots,

yup good plan, if for no other reason than facing fears is the best way to deal with them, takes away the unknown (within reason of course).

I do understand, I have no idea how my sitch will end and I accept that, as you know I've idly wondered is it a better plan just to d and when I feel ready look to meet someone new, at the moment no but ultimately who knows?

W and I may be back together by Christmas next year, divorced and seeing other people, exactly as we are now or something else (although right now I want the first on the list) the only constant thing I can deal with is me and my r with s.

So I can understand the wanting to take control back, as a mr fixit its tempting to the psyche to say whatever outcome is better than inaction but sometimes waiting is the best action and waiting while getting informed even better.



Edz

[Sotto]

A bit of a sad day for me today. Weeks ago, H & I agreed we should look for a new home for our rabbit. She is very social, and whilst we've had a pet lady calling in twice a day when H is away, it isn't the best situation for her.

He has texted me today to say he has found a potential new home for her - it sounds ideal in terms of her happiness, so I'm glad for her. But it will be sad to let her go. I'm going up to the house next week, so I will get to say my goodbyes to her then.

I know it's the right thing for her, but she was very much a 'family' rabbit, and her leaving feels like part of the dismantling of our lives together....

[edz]

Sorry Toots

I may have missed some of the background here, can you not have her?

Hugs...

[Sotto]

I'm in a rental flat now, so I couldn't have her here. I did wonder whether to bring her down here though. She could be in the garage at Mum & Dad's - but I would need to call in every morning and evening if she was - which isn't ideal. Mum has dementia and Dad looks after her full time, so I can't add to his load. And I still don't think that's the best life for her.

I'm also sad because H really loves the rabbit, and part of me wondered whether he would actually go ahead with the rehoming. The fact that he has and is facing this consequence says to me that he is determined to move forwards - and away from our M....mind reading I know..

[edz]

Oh I know about mind reading, had to stop for my own sake (and I think the gang here may have beaten me severely with a 2x4 again )

You should of course do what's best for the rabbit but if she's a house rabbit or ok to have in the house (e.g. not too destructive - as was the rabbits of a friend of mine who ate his sofa in a weekend, most of it anyway!) I wouldn't rule out speaking to your landlord. I have a house cat here and I'm renting the house (it was listed as no pets originally), I had to pay a higher deposit and agree to have the carpets professionally cleaned when I leave but here she is all above board (well actually she's on my bed, asleep, again...)

Of course then you do have a tie to having to be home or having someone come in, suppose it depends on the pet really, in my case the BFT (brown furry thing as vanilla and I have coined her) is 16 this year so rehoming would most likely be impossible, w would have kept her at the flat but to be honest she's my monster and I dont want to part with her.

As to your H as you say mind reading I can see your point but be careful it doesnt drag you down too much.

Here if you need a vent or a chat

Edz

[Sotto]

She has been a house rabbit and is completely destructive - albeit lovely! I had a wobbly moment earlier and texted H to say I felt sad and did he think we were doing the right thing?

I meant in terms of the rabbit, but I suppose it was a little temp check and could have been interpreted more widely.

He texted back to say he was sorry I felt sad and he doesn't know what the right thing is. He said to let him know if I want to chat and said he can talk tomorrow morning if I want to.

I texted back to say - thanks H, it's ok. I said I trusted his judgement and know he wants what's best for her.

I'll sleep on it and think about whether we should talk tomorrow. I'm inclined towards no, but it could be an opportunity to catch up and do a little temp check without suggesting any R talk. Part of me would like to and part of me is just plain scared.

I think it does seem like the best option for bunny, but it is hard to let her go. I loved having a bunny in a family home, but if I'm starting out again as a single woman, it isn't really practical and I think I just need to bite the bullet & go with the best thing for her.

[edz]

Hi Toots

as you say whats best for Bunny but also factor in Toots as well!

And Ive known single men and women who had house rabbits so dont let that put you off, of course if you want to be able to take off for a weekend in monaco then pets can, somewhat, poop on your plans (and sometimes your rug!)

Depending on what you decide Amazon have some bunny business indoor rabbit playpens. Again a lot will depend on your landlord!

[Sotto]

There's no way I could have her at the flat...there are lovely new carpets here, and it gets really messy around her hutch....sometimes she wees outside her tray etc.

I guess I'll sleep on it and may have a chat with H tomorrow. If I know more about where she is going, I may feel more settled with it.

Feel like I'm on a bit of a rollercoaster feelings-wise lately!

[edz]

I think thats fair enough Toots, set it aside for now and take it from there.

We're all familiar with that damnable rollercoaster mate, said that a while ago and that I'd rather be on the bumper cars, we also had suggestions on the teacups and waltzers from the other guys.

What are you doing for yourself this evening, any GAL activities planned?

[Sotto]

No GAL for me tonight - unless buying toilet rolls and a potato masher from Wilko counts?

Just had a bubble bath, dinner, glass of wine, watched Spiral and now checking out the boards...

Been thinking some more about the rabbit. The place H lined up sounds lovely for her. A couple of other rabbits and guinea pigs in an insulated shed with an outside run. I think if she settles in ok, she will be so happy. I feel more settled with it. If I bought her down here, I think I would feel worse that she is missing out on that...and all lonely in the garage.

I may ask H for a little talk about it in any case - may be a good idea to open the door a crack for a chat...but I'll see how I feel in the morning.

Sorry for any hysteria today - I'm normally much more of a teacups than rollercoaster person!

[jim0987]

Teacups are so the best ride!!! And I'm pretty sure thats not the first time I've posted that in thus forum

And I'm claiming potato mashers are worth loads of GAL points because buying one is what I did this evening as well.

I hope your feeling a bit better. I don't know how often you see your rabbit but I would suggest a visit is a good idea before she is rehomed. If you can't have her and H doesn't want her then a good home might be the best thing.

[edz]

Jim you did think it was my thread or I was in yours!

Toots, no hysteria noted, were all pushed and stretched emotionally sometimes you just need to talk thats where we come in

Aha now the loo rolls become clear! Evening sounds good no bath here did some exercises dinner wine glass of rum and catching up with elementary.

Sounds like bunny will be happy just make sure you are comfortable with it as to having a chat, I think that's ok if you go in with no expectations.

Take it easy matey

[edz]

Ok toots my water bill is on you

Lulled me into wanting a hot bath, music and wine....ahhh was nice!

[Sotto]

Jim - what are the odds! Hope you're pleased with your masher. I've missed having one in recent weeks. Edz - glad you had a nice evening bathing etc. When I was at my parents, they only have a shower and I did miss it!

So, I feel happier about the rabbit, but I thought it would be good to speak to H and ask a few questions about the arrangements. I think if I know where she is and what the plan is & be a bit more involved, I'll feel happier. So, I texted him this am. He texted back to say he's going away for the weekend to have a "think about his life."

He plans to have a massage and also see a psychic - but he's happy for us to talk when he gets off the train later this am....eek, may have timed this badly. Will just stick to rabbit talk and have good PMA I think.

[Sotto]

20 minute phone chat with H today - hadn't spoken for 4 months! I had good PMA - warm & upbeat. Pleasant convo with a couple of laughs. Maybe 10 mins on rabbit business - I'm happy with the rehoming plan.

H has had 2 tough weeks - 40% of staff made redundant where he works. He had to make a team member redundant. They appealed about how this was handled & it was investigated by the CEO. H found it hard - really stressed, not sleeping. He felt he had to get out of town for a weekend to regroup. I validated.

Things are rough in his industry ATM after riding a wave of success for 10 years, he has friends out of work and says he has a job at least 'for now.'

I asked after SS and we talked about him for 5 mins. I said how nice his visit to me was etc. H said there has been a lot of homework yelling last couple of weekends - SS may be missing peacemaker Toots on that front!

OW not mentioned, and of course I didn't ask. No R talk. I didn't ask how he was as such - other than what he volunteered. Weirdly, he asked nothing about me - not even how I was doing. I didn't volunteer any info. Although he was pleasant, he seemed pretty self-absorbed.

I ended the chat after 20 mins - had somewhere I needed to be (genuinely!) He's going to let me know how the rabbit gets on next weekend.

So, this weekend, he's thinking about his life - and I feel pretty detached actually.

I empathise with him though - I think he's really going through it at the moment. I already sensed it wasn't the easiest Xmas for him, and straight into this work stuff after. Funny, it's easy to think everything is a bed of roses for him (and hard for me) but it isn't like that. My life is pretty calm in comparison (lighthouse?..)

Glad we spoke anyway...observations welcome!

[Sotto]

All quiet for me after the talk with H this weekend. He texted me to say the lady can't take our rabbit now, due to a family crisis - oh well...

I do feel he's in a pretty dark place right now - having a weekend away on his own trying to figure his life out. I empathise, and I also see that it may well be a good while before he knows what he wants. And who knows, I may have moved on in the meantime...

Does he find it surprising that I don't even ask if he's figured out life now? IDK..I certainly worry less about what he's up to than I used to.

Did some nice GAL activities this weekend - bookstore volunteering, family lunch and Aqua Aerobics. Have decided a new GAL activity is called for, so will plan that this week. I'm thinking about a yoga class.