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That's odd. I wouldn't expect that from Chuck. Regardless, what would you suggest in this situation?

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I would suggest a text, but keep it a "group" text. I wouldn't pursue him at all. As long as toots made it clear in the beginning she wated the marriage to work if he was willing then I wouldn't chase.

P


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Thanks for the debate guys! I'll send a group text on Xmas Eve along the lines already discussed. I liked the suggested addition to SS of looking forward to our visit! H may feel he's missing out on something fun...

I haven't really considered DB coaching. I'm in the UK, so presume it probably isn't available over here...?


Toots :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Coaching is all over the phone.... So phone charges might be more expensive but other than that you can hire a coach. It is really pricy though...


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Yes, coaching can be pricey, but my larger point was that Toots has been doing LRT for a while now and it doesn't seem to be working so it might be time to at least think about a different approach. Just my opinion. It worked for me.

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Hi Toots dear,

The ideas flooding here are something to think about. Your sitch is a little stock right now and maybe it's time to review the techniques you are using.

No contact is good, I am doing it myself as you know it. But never contact may be something to think about. Like, how long time you have been with no contact? Do you feel it is working? Are your goal being met?

I am not very good about measuring goals and results, but I need to admit that is a form to measure our efforts.

This time of the year gives you the advantage of being spontaneous and even polite to approach him. The excuse is great and he won't feel like you are pursuing him. In any way, it would be an absurd for him to think you are after him after all you have been doing.

Think about and write your thoughts here so we can help to storm the ideas and get to something you feel comfortable with.

Hugs
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



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I agree maybe we are stuck & I'm not sure what to do. Last time we spoke was in mid Sept. H told me he was confused and 'not moving' & that things had to 'run their course.'

Since then we text every week or so about house stuff etc. He's always friendly & helpful with texts. But of course he has told our mutual friend that he knows our R is over & that he wants a family going forwards. He doesn't know that I know this.

Things don't seem happy & settled with AP. I think her OM is still on the scene, or H wants her to return to the UK. Either way, he's giving ultimatums to her, then not seeing them through. I imagine she's back for a visit now & he may be with her from Xmas day onwards as his S is with his XW from then.

It made a difference us meeting up in Aug. He still had romantic feelings for me & said it would have been easy to be swept away, hold my hand etc. He was clearly tempted to 'cheat' on OW with me then. He said he has low self control at the moment. But I was very firm & told him I wouldn't do that.

I guess I'm nervous about initiating contact now, because it gives him an 'in' to tell me it's over. DR says to do LRT as long as you can hang on in there. And I guess I've been hoping the A will 'sour' & he will hit rock bottom etc.

I made my choice to move to my parents & I worry it's working against me now as we're 2 hours apart & don't see each other, due to kids etc. I try & make the most of any texts, mentioning GAL etc.

I guess I'm also thinking - is this a MLC & nothing will make any difference anyway? I just don't know. When we last spoke be said his greatest fear is not finding again the happiness we had 12 months earlier. But I don't know, maybe he's just saying what he thinks I want to hear.

Any comments & suggestions welcome!


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Thinking some more about the above. I'm just going to send my 'Merry Xmas' text for now and carry on as I am into the new year. 10th January will be 6 months after BD and a good time for me to reassess things.

Have a merry Xmas everyone!

Toots xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Posts: 5,301
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Well, I decided to send my Xmas text - a joint one to H and SS - this pm. Just wishing a merry xmas and hoping they have a good day, plus that I'm looking forward to SS's visit at the weekend.

Got texts back from them both within a few mins, saying Merry Xmas etc back. Saw them come through, but will open them later!

So, that's all done. Not expecting any more contact now, and just need to get through Xmas itself... ;-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Thanks, Toots, for the thread. I also have been wrestling with sending a text msg to my W for Xmas. I sent a nice card a few days ago with some gift certificates to the nice movie theater in town so she can take her kids. The only contact I have offered in 6 weeks is this Xmas card, anniversary card the week before and bday card for SD at the beginning of Dec. No response/acknowledgement of any of them. Sending a simple text like you did seems like the right thing to do, but maybe after three cards in a month I should lay off? I probably have nothing to lose. I'm pretty close to losing hope of ever having contact, let alone fixing the M. Sorry to hijack the thread. I only meant to say "thanks" 😀
And Merry Christmas.


Me: 39 W: 46
D: 7.5 S: 5
SD: 16 SS: 12
T: 2 (06/2012)
M: 2 (12/2012)
Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
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