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#2518796 12/19/14 04:13 PM
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New thread. Previous thread.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2518801 12/19/14 04:17 PM
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Following up to uRworthy:

Originally Posted By: uRworthy

What can you do to make your present situation a better one? I can think of a couple. Set some boundaries with your mom. Make walking the dog part of your exercise. Make new memories with your daughter.


Those are good. I already have a baby monitor installed in her room so that I'm the one to get her in the middle of the night (rarely needed).

Here's another idea, though: Repeat to myself everyday what you said 4 sentences before that, which was...

Originally Posted By: uRworthy
So, you had hope. Nothing wrong with that. You can have it. You just dont want to live in it, ya know?


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2518814 12/19/14 04:51 PM
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We're closing on our house in 45 minutes. I know I'm already dead, but it still feels like I'm waiting for the gallows. I thought I'd already processed the loss of the house. I mean, we lost it as soon as she signed a 13-month apt lease (at the high end of the market, too) back in July. Part of me thought it wouldn't sell, though, and I'd find a perfect roommate, or something. We had zero bites, then suddenly someone made an offer, right before the "dead period" during the holidays. We were actually talking about taking it off of the market until the spring if it didn't sell by Thanksgiving. We accepted the offer a week before Thanksgiving.

I'm also torn a bit with the living-at-mom's-house sitch. On one hand, I'm about to make the classic "failure" mistake...living in mom's basement when I turn 30. On the other, it sure will be nice to have $1700 a month in mortgage, utilities, taxes, etc back in my pocket. I thought I would be totally content to save and wait until the summer before moving out. Now I don't know if I could make it to March.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2518830 12/19/14 05:37 PM
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Gallows are delayed lol. Paperwork wasn't ready yet from lender


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2518867 12/19/14 07:36 PM
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WAW was pretty nasty earlier when she arrived at the first scheduled closing. She sat in her car while the realtor and I stood outside of it explaining to her what happened. She acted like she always does in those situations. Instead of realizing that it's not that big of an inconvenience and it's no one's fault who is standing there, she was rude to both of us, and very angry. When I got back in my car, I called her to offer to go to the bank with and her take my name off of her account, since we were both already away from work and next to each other. She answered the phone with, "What could you possibly be asking of me right now??" I said, "I was going to offer to go to the bank with you, but that doesn't seem like a good idea." She mumbled something about why that was pointless right now and hung up. Not really looking forward to seeing her again in 1.5 hours.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2518943 12/20/14 12:45 AM
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Card,

See that?? You just had to go and try to smooth things over with the offer to go to the bank when the best course of action was to just let W go. Her feelings are hers to own and process. Next time, don't feel 'obligated' to smooth things over when you see W crying or being angry. Try to be a witness to them and then move forward.

Card29 #2518959 12/20/14 01:38 AM
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Ready for a detach fail? Then read on! Consider this a confessional.

My detach is in the gutter right now. We had to sit around waiting for the closer or almost 2 hours (traffic in our city was a disaster today, several huge wrecks). She kept texting and texting secretly while we were sitting at the table. I tried to let it to in already dead, I'm alread dead. Well, eventually I see that she's texting to a phone number (not a contact stored in her phone). I found that strange...why wouldn't you save this person, who has captivated you at least long enough for you to ignore everyone in the room for 2 hours, to your phone contacts?

After we finally finished and left, my curiousity and lack of detachment got the best of me, and I looked up the number. It's a pre-paid phone. So...W is dating (or at least flirting with) a married man? I tried to think of another reason to balance it out but I failed.

Really, it drove me crazy for about an hour, but now the sting has worn off. I'm already dead, right? I'm definitely not going to mention it to her or anyone else IRL. Not too proud that I had to snoop. And even if I did say something to her, what would be the point? She already told me she wanted to date others, and the other day she told me she has "situations", whatever that means. I didn't dig, she offered me the info, and she presented it like she wasn't interested in them? But I've interpretted stuff like that from her in "positive" ways before and it turned out she was just trying to ease me down. The more I learn, the less I wish I knew...maybe it will reach a detachment breaking point, where I really do want to not know anything going on with her.

Oh, weird moment...seeing your house full of other people's stuff. While we were sitting at the closing forever chatting with the buyers, I remembered that is left one thing in a closet. They said "no prob, just come grab it tonight". They'd already moved half of their stuff in when I got there. Just a very strange thing to see 24 hrs after moving out.

I feel okay at the moment, best I've felt all day. I at least feel settled for the day. House sold, dogs walked, D2 in bed, dinner is in the oven and basketball on TV. I'll enjoy the next couple of hours.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2518965 12/20/14 02:44 AM
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Card, not a vet but just my 2cents.
Originally Posted By: Card29
my curiousity and lack of detachment got the best of me, and I looked up the number. It's a pre-paid phone. So...W is dating (or at least flirting with) a married man? I tried to think of another reason to balance it out but I failed.


This is one huge assumption you just made. You're assuming....

1. You're W is dating
2. You're W is flirting
3. It's a man
4. It's a married man

You remember the old saying what happens when you assume? It just makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me." Trust me, I struggle with snooping all the time because it's just so easy. But all I've learned is that when I snoop I begin to assume things that most the time aren't even true.

Case in point, my W started receiving a bunch of picture messages from a phone that I don't recognize late Friday evenings and it was registered to a guy. My first thought was crap why is this guy sending my wife a bunch of pictures on Friday and what could they possibly be. I didn't ask her about it but in one of our conversations you know what it ended up being? what she told me? That her boss at work sends out the schedule for the following week to her and all the employees on Friday evenings.

I felt like an idiot at that point and I was glad I didn't ask her but that caused me so much stress for about a couple weeks. I still struggle with this daily but my point is don't assume things because most of the time they aren't even true and our thoughts just spiraled downward. Hope this helps and enjoy your night!


ME: 28
W: 24
M: 2.5yrs
T: 5yrs
BD: 22 SEP 14
W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
TLEE86 #2518983 12/20/14 04:38 AM
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Hey Card. You know, I need to give you a nickname. Not diggin Card.

Hmmm. Gotta think on it.

Sorry about the house. This stuff just succks.

And yea, about the snooping...that never goes well. The thing of it is...if you find something out, you cant do anything about it. So, you are just spinning your wheels because you will never know what is really going on..so, no sense doing that, right?

Boy, did you go from zero to 100 with it, though. No more, ok?

I can imagine how tough it was to see other people and their stuff in your home, C.

As far as your w, she is angry and you are trying to make it all better. Um, yea, dont do that.

She has to live with the natural consequences of her actions. You dont want to provide them, but you dont want to stand in the way of them, ya know?

Too bad so sad that she was angry and wound up being rude. Not your problem. Say that with me....Not your problem. smile

uRworthy #2518992 12/20/14 07:22 AM
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Not my problem smile

Thanks for the 2x4's. I know the snooping is pointless. For the last few months I've done well not thinking about that stuff with her, it was just extra hard yday because she was sitting next to me for two hours, the longest time we've been together without moving around or doing something since BD.


No more, I promise.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
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