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Calibri, so I'm forced to reread my own post to you because sometimes I don't even follow my own advice. Sorry if this is a semi-hi jack but I was curious your opinion on something.

You and you're H talked about your communication issues and you let him know how you feel and all that good stuff. That's where he made all those promises that were kinda sort of not really kept yesterday. I'm debating on having that same conversation with my W because it is literally irritating the (censored) out of me because really...how hard is it to answer a text. And these texts sometimes are just in the first few minutes of a conversation. I feel like we have very similar communication issues with our WAS. My question to you is...was it worth it to let him know how you feel even though he didn't really keep that promise?


ME: 28
W: 24
M: 2.5yrs
T: 5yrs
BD: 22 SEP 14
W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Joined: Jul 2014
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It really chaps my [censored body part] when H is slow to respond to texts, but when I step back and detach I realize that when I'm engaging in a healthy relationship with my phone (i.e., not obsessing over a reply from H), I don't respond to texts right away because I don't see them.

Case in point: I sent H a text earlier this morning abt plans for tonight and it bugged me that an hour went by and I didn't see a reply. Eventually I forgot about it and got busy doing other things (such as posting on this website!). I just went to check my phone; he texted back 2 hours ago with a question for me that I've now slacked in responding to. Oops.

Last edited by Elsa; 12/20/14 08:45 PM.

Me: 33 Him: 35
T: 13 M: 11
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Calibri Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: TLEE86
. I think it was a mistake to even say hey wanna grab dinner, I PROMISE NO R/M talks. Because he may not have even thought that you would have any R/M talks but now that you made it a point to say we won't have any..it just makes him realize the possibility of you guys having that talk


Good point. Didn't think of it that way. Thanks for the insight.


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
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Quote:


A few questions about his whole episode,

Why? I thought you were in NC or going dark.


I thought I was too. And then he started initiating conversations. I actually hadn't had time to post it yet, but he had sent me a message saying that he was feeling better and was interested in talking and told me that he had realized that most of his anger he had misdirected at me. He told me that, I didn't "ruin him" like he had thought, and that he had ruined himself by not speaking up when things bothered him and that a lot of the things he blamed me for were actually his problems. And apologized. After the combo was over he said he felt it was a good talk and felt that it was one of many that we should be having.

So, perhaps foolishly, I took his conversation and expressed desire to talk more as an invitation.

Also, thinking back, he mentioned in MC that he hot pissed off and hurt when I gave him the silent treatment. So that + the above and I thought not going NC would be a good thing.

Quote:


Do you see why going dark might be helpful?


Oh yes. Trust me, I didn't even want to post about the convo I had, but I made myself do it got accountability, humility, and as an opportunity the right way to show vulnerability vs. an verbally emotional dump via text message.

Quote:


Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?

Your need to control this is really strong.


I want to be happy. I've always been honest with my H. That's why I initially told him how I felt. I didn't equate my honesty at the time with control. Looking back, I can see why it's perceived as such.

I'm not trying to be a smart ass, it's a legit question. But the only way I see (from my viewpoint) of not being controlling is to basically stfu and not do anything?

I'm honestly struggling with this.

Last edited by Calibri; 12/20/14 09:41 PM.

M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
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Elsa, I didn't apologize and haven't contacted him sense. I'll take Tlees advice if he brings it up but seeing as I haven't heard from him, I think its ok.

Good point on your other post about the phone and looking for distractions.

I'm actually feeling under the weather so I plan on turning my phone silent and netflixing it.


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
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Quote:
I'm not trying to be a smart ass, it's a legit question. But the only way I see (from my viewpoint) of not being controlling is to basically stfu and not do anything?


That may be true for right now.

When you go dark or NC, you do it for you. Early on in this everything we do is emotion based and focused on controlling to make the WAS come back. We need time to get emotions under control and create that new improved version or ourselves.

The control is so built in for you (as it was for me) you don't even see that it's happening. You have to get a handle on that and the only way to do it is spend some time with you, delving inside.

What's your plan, what are your 180s? I have a 180 suggestion and it's one I had to learn, every thought you have does not have to cross your lips. Slow down.

Last edited by labug; 12/21/14 03:07 PM.

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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One other thing, during my S I made a goal for myself to not contact H for a period of time-4 weeks, 6 weeks, I can't quite remember now but I did it. I had a calendar on the the fridge and every day I didn't contact him I marked it on that calendar. It wasn't easy but it got easier after a while.

The important part was it helped me become stronger and have more respect for myself. I stepped off the roller coaster.

Set a goal. See it through.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
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^ Good idea. I need to do this.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
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"Hope is a four letter word. Having no expectations is better."

DB isn't about a lack of hope. Hope is what even brings all of those posting here together.

In the book of Romans, Paul tells Christians "hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience."

Right there I think he speaks to what we all need to hear. Sure, we should relieve our spouses of the pressures we place on them with our expectations. Detachment helps us accomplish that. But the hope we have in our WAS and in our M is legitimate. You are here because you know your spouse loves you deep down, and is a good person whom you love too.

Although, we cannot see reconciliation happening from our "close up" perspective. I think every poster here is hoping in the same thing - that their WAS would acknowledge their love for them and put in the hard work it takes to rebuild the M. In reality, it only takes one person to begin to rebuild the M, and that is going to have to be you this time. And it's going to have to be you working what you are in control of... YOURSELF. You are human, therefore you have lots of issues to address.

Back to hope - we should set our sights down the road on what a reconciled M looks like. And on what a new M looks like. We all will be okay with or without our WAS. The detachment required to realize this is not us giving up, it's not a loss of hope. It's the beginning of something new and beautiful. LBS can start over fresh on themselves. Out of love, we give our WAS a new person they can fall in love with all over again by working on ourselves, GAL, and setting them free.

They are free to choose us, we hope they will, but our actions in DB lay a solid foundation where we can survive any outcome. If you do what you must to save your M, and your WAS doesnt choose to reconcile, you are still this amazingly attractive person who is primed and ready for the rest of your life. YOU are surging forward in YOUR life. Hoping your WAS will come to their senses, but knowing you don't need them or their approval for your life to thrive. Chances are, your desire for a strong, healthy M will bring you to the point where you can remarry and start a new life with a new spouse. D is painful, but it's not the end. Think of it as a bridge to your new life you must cross over.

Once you resolve that you really will be okay regardless of the outcome and regardless of things out of your control, your chances of happiness move from minimal to 100%.


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Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
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Interesting day.

Rando musings/journaling:
Talked to H. He said he wanted to open the door to conversing more, but had been afraid to do so in the past two weeks that he's been trying to talk. Primarily out of "fear" (his words, not mine) as he said his behavior towards me has been pretty bad and he doesn't have his anger completely under control and doesn't want to put me in a "emotionally abusive situation." Said that he was upset at how he had been acting. Then said he would text me later this evening to "talk" about random things. I knew by the way he had worded it that he would back out and he did. But, at least he texted me to let me know he was flaking out, instead of going silent like he normally does. Said he wants to talk on the phone on his lunch break tomorrow. I doubt that it will happen, as he's promised to "call me on his lunch break" for the last week. I don't know why he feels the need to call, as it clearly makes him uncomfortable but hesitate to suggest just talking via text. So I'm just going to sit back, have no expectations and stfu. He did say that he felt conversing more would help him learn to communicate about both positive and negative things and while he felt it would have to be taken day by day, he wanted to try it. I've decided this week I'll let him initiate any convos he might have and bite me tongue off if I have to. I don't plan on initiating anything except to wish him a merry Christmas before I go out of cell service range and let him know he has a pile of mail and a check at the house that he is free to pick up while I'm out of town.

I did a successful 180 today. Too bad it wasn't with my H.

My dad called me today. For those of you who may not be as familiar with my sitch: my dad is bi-polar, cheated on my mom, was in and out of my life for years, isn't always med compliant and in 2012 was a really big pain in my ass. I had to legally become medical power of attorney of his father (my grandfather) because of my dad's illness and I've spent the past two years being annoyed by the responsibilities and resentful of the situation I was put in.

So. Back to the convo. We hadn't talked since before the BD. I told him what was going on and prepared myself for what I thought was going to be a "stand by your man, he's obviously having some problems, he's depressed and can't help it speech." What I got was the opposite. My dad had total empathy for my situation and told me to let my H hit rock bottom. Said H will never be able to take care if himself, be a functional adult or deal with any problems he might have if someone is always trying to fix him. He said to pull back and let him figure it out. Told me common things that H might say to be blowing smoke up my ass (he nailed like two or three of them). Gave me suggestions on some books to read, some things to look out for, and told me to prepare my self, that while his parents were financially supporting him, H would probably not make any progress because his mother would have control over him (poor H and all the controlling women in his life) and make directly/indirectly influence him. He asked me what I wanted to do and I said I was thinking about things. He felt that I should move on, but understood why I might want to stay. He encouraged me, should we start piecing to find a good MC, because it was his experiences that MC's can hurt more than help.

He then told me he was impressed with my strength not only in dealing with my H but with the responsibilities of "caring" for my grandfather. He said that he was glad that I ended up being the one responsible because I had the strength, the resources, the patience (hahaha) to deal with it, "much better than he could." And then, HE THANKED ME. *insert jaw on the ground and me checking my phone multiple times to ensure that I was, in fact, talking to my Dad.* While I didn't thank him for acknowledging it, I told him in a non passive aggressive way (which is a 180 for me) that I was just doing what needed to be done. We winded the conversation down and he told me that he wanted to support me through this, as he could offer a different perspective, and he wanted to be there for me. His exact quote? "I couldn't buy you the pony you wanted when you were growing up, but I can support you, as much as you will let me, during this tough time." He then asked me if I remembered the pony situation, I said yes. (juicy drama, while dad was off meds and in a manic stage, he tried to buy me a pony after being AWOL for about a year. He told me to write out a check (I was seven at the time) to myself for how much I thought it would cost. I wrote 50,000. And signed his name. He later told my mom during a heated argument about not buying the pony, that I was trying to embezzle money from him and he had proof of a forged check. Yay manic phases!) he had a completely different version of the story, his truth. Normally I would've said, "yeahhhh about that - not the way it happened and would listed out a,b,c,d). Instead I remembered reading what LAbugs said to me and just kept my mouth shut (oh haiiii there 180) and followed up with, "I remember."

The conversation blew me away on multiple levels today. My dad showed a genuine concern for my well being, like he might actually love me. He wanted to be involved and this is not the first time he's asked to be involved in my life lately, so there might be some genuineness to his words. My dad never apologizes, so I was floored when he not only acknowledged that I was handling what he should've been doing for his dad, he thanked me for it. And you know what? Just with that conversation? I feel resentment being lifted. I feel less angry. All I wanted was to be acknowledged, and I got it. And I shut my mouth and didn't let my every thought pass my lips.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring, or the next convo. But all and all it felt pretty good.


Last edited by Calibri; 12/22/14 05:35 AM.

M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
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