THIS is where the MAGIC happens.

[BrightFuture]

Shining, I am so happy to hear about all these positive things in your life!

[Georgiabelle]

Yes! Of course you stuck the landing. So happy for you:-)

Keep it up!

[Shining]

Happy New Year, everyone!

All my chickens are still home!!! At least for one more day....

We had a GREAT time. Wow, did I miss those big boys!

Ok, FINE. "Men."





Update on things:

I've been almost NC since Thanksgiving. It has given me the space and time to sort some things out. Definitely wouldn't have been possible if I was in constant communication with him.

H is still in the tunnel. Deep. Still running. Still seeking. I believe he is now with ow#7 or 8, possibly more. Not my problem.

The few texts we have exchanged, have been strange. Although, strange is his new normal.

He is pushing harder to separate more layers of the financial onion. He said we both need closure, and he wants to "get things rolling" early January. Holidays getting to him maybe? Idk.

Here is the latest script, for those who may relate:
He still blames me, but his wording has softened. He is more vague.
Even though his claims of me treating his son badly have been invalidated by his own son, he clings to the excuse for "too much damage" and "scars".
He says, "We had good. Lots of good. No doubt. But the bad was awful. Too much to bear. Literally."
He claims I was "the one". And I can't be replaced. (And he would know, because he has tried almost everyone else....)
He says he knows for a fact he will never have feelings again like he had for me. He says he has accepted that.
He doesn't want "pain or badness" (?) for me.
Then asked, "Can we just get this over with?"

Ok. There's that.


Here's the real change..... It doesn't matter. Not anymore. I'm done.

In my quiet-from-the-boards time, and with my kids all here and living life, remembering what is important.... I realized I need to be done, for me.

If H showed up at my door, today, apologizing, begging forgiveness, promising to go to counseling, anything and everything... I would still say no.

And that acknowledging and looking inward apology thing is not even a blip on the radar right now.

He has so far to go. So, so far.

I can lovingly tuck away my M. I can love the years we had. But I also need to love me enough to keep living.

Looking back, the switch that really did it for me, was his vasectomy. Although I see how this might have made sense to his crisis mind, the fact that he would permanently alter his body to enable more screwing of ow is just not even remotely ok.

Although I have come to an to acceptance that he felt he needed to do that, and it was another thing to "try" to feel better, I have simply decided it isn't something I want to deal with forever. I just don't. There are so many additional factors that add up and I don't feel it's worth it anymore.

I feel I would always wonder if he's really through his crisis. I would never trust him. I feel I deserve to be with someone who is capable of dealing with things in a healthy way. I just want better for myself.

The other major factor in this, is that I can see how much he has hurt my kids. Since he is not their father, it is an entirely different thing. I asked myself, if my stepdad did these things to my mother, would I want him in her life? Do I want this man badly enough to possibly push away my kids?

No one knows what the future holds. Years and decades from now. After I learned how xH came through his chit, I learned to never say never.

But I'm not planning years and decades right now. I'm on today. What do I need today? Where is my life today?

I'll tell you.

Today is day one of a new freakin' awesome year. I can feel it.

[uRworthy]

Happy New Year, S.

My amazing friend, you are so special. And you know I support you in whatever you choose to do.

Know this. That I have had the privledge of watching you walk this journey. I have been amazed by your williness to look inside. I have marveled at all you have been through and have survived.

This should never be at the cost of you.

I know you have been terribly hurt by what has happened with your marriage. I am sorry for that.

I wish you all good things for this coming year. I hope you will be open to all the possibilities life has to offer. Mostly, though, I wish you peace. You deserve nothing less.

xoxo

[BrightFuture]

Shining, I’m so happy to know that you had a great time with your kids. And I’m so impressed by your progress. I can’t wait for that moment of feeling “done” to come to my life. There is one thing resonated with me. Your H’s vasectomy. My H had that done last year, and for the same reason, to be able to screw with ows without fear of fathering a child. I know that I have some uneasy feelings about that too. Maybe one day I will realize that this one fact is a deal breaker for me too.

And the thing about hurting your kids. I’m in the same boat. H hurt my son too, by abandoning him and having no contact with him. Even though he is an adult, I know it must still hurt.

Shining, I wish you that “freakin’ awesome” year! You deserve it! You are amazing!

[Georgiabelle]

Happy New Year, Shining! Look at you:-). Sending you a high kick, pirouette, dl full split, liberty heel stretch, high 5 AND hug. Kitchen sink coming later.

Enjoy your kids. Xo

[123Gwen]

I second everything Bright wrote. You are inspiring to me because you are not stuck. I mean we all have stuck moments or periods of time but you have worked so hard to keep those few and far between.

Even though I am new to all this I already see how my H has hurt our girls. I can't wait until I can say I am in that spot where H is not much of an issue in my life. I guess after 25 years it is just plain hard to let go.

Thanks for posting allowing me a glimpse into the possibility of being able to move on. I need to hear it from people like you who are determined to move ahead and live each day with gratitude and peace.

Happy, happy new year! May you bask in the freakin' awesomeness of a shining new year!

[Mighty]

Shining,

My dear, dear Shining. You are simply amazing. Truly. I admire you so much. I have enjoyed watching your growth and been so happy for you to improve your life, stay positive, and work towards true peace and happiness. You let nothing hold you back. You are an amazing person.

I knew something was brewing with you. I wasn't sure what. Boy, was I really unsure! But more than anything, I am so impressed that you found your way through happiness. I know it is hard, but through enjoying your life, living in the moment, being happy with your kids, you found inner your strength and peace. It was dead silent in my house when I read your post. It still is now. It never is. But it was like my world stopped and I listened to my friend. I am happy for you. And I am proud to call you my friend.

Peace,
Mighty

[Shining]

Aaawwww, thank you so much uR, Bright, GB, Gwen and Mighty!! Your support means the world to me. I'm not going anywhere, at least for a while.

The board is wonderful. Standing is wonderful. ALL OF YOU make it wonderful.

Yep, Mighty, something was definitely going on. As much as I post all my thoughts in unabreviated long-form, it is when I'm quiet that the deepest thoughts are processed.

I worked through some deep stuff. I needed clarity. I needed to mentally live through what reconciling would look like from all angles. I needed to decide what I want for myself and my life. I needed to decide if I can get where I want to go, if I'm still standing for my M.

I actually couldn't even force myself to post a few times. I just didn't care enough anymore about my sitch.

Here's the thing of all this:

I don't feel like I have given up, nor do I feel I have failed. It's weird. I feel more like I'm choosing differently. Not that I can't choose him again if I want to a hundred years from today. Just not now.

I loved him so much. Omg it was insane. I still love the man I married. I will always love the man he was. He isn't that man now. I can't watch him do this to himself anymore. I can't be connected to him. It's unhealthy for me. I can't let my thoughts of him hold me back from taking care of me and my kids. I can't allow it to affect how I love MYSELF. I have to turn around and go my own way.

It's not what I wanted. It is accepting what is.

I used to be afraid he wouldn't ever want me again. Now I'm afraid he will.

I'm ready to truly and completely, leave him to his journey. And I feel good and strong about this. I have finally let him go.

It's now the alternative that gives me anxiety. <<<<<<That's my biggest "shift."

I love you guys. Thank you for being here. I'll continue to post, unless I'm voted off the island.

Since nothing has been filed, I'm afraid the fat lady hasn't even done her vocal warm-ups yet.

[ForeverYoung]

If they didn't vote me off the island you certainly have nothing to worry about, S!

It often seems that only after we're done, do they want back in. So sad.