Since friends and family have learned about my separation and some of the issues surrounding it, I am learning more and more about my WAW that is making it harder to give true forgiveness and unconditional love. It is getting so bad... I don't even want to answer the phone for fear of learning something else. I am becoming more and more validated as each day goes by for filing against her after she left. yesterday I found out that she was basically embezzling from her last job and got away with it. Something that is so far off my moral compass it isn't even registering. She is obviously going though something, whether it be a MLC or Mental illness such ad NPD I don't know. The very first day I met with my therapist (while my world was still spinning), I told him some back stories of us. and he said it sounded like she didn't like who she has become or is so far into her lies and deceit that leaving was her only option.... I couldn't help still feeling like I did something to cause this... here is a copy of an email that I sent to Mr. Bilotta's office earlier this week.
"I am still not sure if she will change. I have owned my part in our marital breakdown.I have been changing our environment, being calm, seeking personal counseling and being nice. I have learned that my drinking was a symptom of a bad marriage and not the cause (typical withdraw, avoidance and being non confrontational.) I am genuinely happier, with the exception of missing her so much (but maybe that is just the familiarity of being married. I am also not too sure that she is prepared to give up or work on her part which was horrible financial irresponsibility, narcissism and pride. she always fought to win (her toxic take away) and seems to be doing fine on the outside (although MIL tells me otherwise. I just feel she has to figure this out, and it might not be too far down the road. She moved out learning that she only had a temporary job, filed a false PPO against me (which she got in trouble for), did not win the financial support she asked for and also got in trouble for keeping my kids from me (which I am their hockey coach). I have also saved our house. She has since lost her job and it kills me to see her in this situation, but she still hangs around with her divorced girlfriends that talked her into leaving in the first place. It has been 65 days since she has left and we have made up no ground at all in trying to fix this, with the exception of a few family activities and we are not fighting at all. She still pulls away if I offer any type of conversation regarding our situation. the only glimmer of hope is that she seems to be delaying signing the quit claim deed to our house which was an agreement during our temporary support hearing (although I wanted her to sign modification instead, but lawyers saw it different. She has also sold her wedding band (says for financial reasons) an still blames me and bad Judges for everything that has happened since."
I have been creating a good space and decided to go dark, since I have not gotten any response... last night she is blowing up my phone with texts, asking why I am all of a sudden being rude and short and....
Just wanted to get some input out there.
Thanks
Together 06-04 Married 10-05 She Left 10-11-14 I filed 10-22-14
I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach. It sounds like there are lots of questions and concerns regarding how to handle your wife & her choices. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
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Best advice I -- personally -- can give you is that the advice here is invaluable. Keep posting. Your thoughts, your feelings, your questions; journal if you want to.
The vets here are great and the community is amazing support.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Welcome aboard. Your W really sounds as if she's a hot mess right now. She is digging her way down deeper, apparently. You will get a lot of support here if you will post often (like every day at first).
Have you read Divorce Remedy? Very important. Some people try to by- pass the book and take the board as their short-cut, but you won't understand completely unless you read the book.
You seem as if you are not trying to rescue your W. That is good! She has to experience life without you, b/c she chose to leave the life she had with you. BTW, did you ask her to leave, or did you leave? Any details will help us.
A WAW may try to be "friends" on her terms, but her definition and her H's definition are completely opposite. She wants you to be her gay boyfriend (popular these days), while you are hoping the friendship will lead to working things out.
It is extremely difficult to go dark when you are co-parenting. There is a difference in pulling back and going completely dark. Completely dark is falling off the face of the earth (as far as she knows).
Learn about healthy emotional detaching in relationships. You will need it. Many people who first come here are mistaken about real detaching.
Take care of yourself. You are going through a crises and it is easy to get down physically and in all other ways. Don't think of it being selfish if you put yourself first at this time. It is necessary.
Make short term goals about how you want to make improvements for yourself. How can you be a better "you"?
Don't waste this time. While she is working through her stuff, you grow.....really grow as a person. Read self-help, inspirational, spiritual, etc. Exercise is recommended b/c of the benefits physically and mentally.
A very important must for you is to "get a life" (GAL) that does not include your W. Find activities, hobbies, social events, volunteering, sports, whatever.....and keep that calendar full. GAL is essential to truly detaching from her drama.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She left Me while I was at work. She filed a false Ex-parte PPO against me, for stalking because I was looking at her phone numbers and installed family locator so I could find my boys. Funny thing about that is I found out she did the exact same thing to me 3 years ago when she thought I was cheating on her... She has also abandoned all of her "old" friends and now has a crew of new friends that in no way comparable, morally or socially comparable to the friends we have had for so long. She started complaining about me to them and they didn't want to hear anything about it, so she went out and found a set of friends that would.
Together 06-04 Married 10-05 She Left 10-11-14 I filed 10-22-14
Ile Guy, Sorry about your situation. As others have said (and it sounds like you've started) : work on detaching and GAL. I have found this to be a process of lettings go what I cannot control (think A.A.'s Serenity prayer) and one day you'll be doing well and the next not so much, but just reset when you backslide on what you are trying to change and keep at it. I have also used this time to look at myself and what I did to help get the relationship to this point. Get relationship books to read that would help facilitate that (I am sure there are those on here with many good suggestions). Hang in there and keep posting. And try to see this an opportunity to get yourself in a better place (even though your sitch is not good) for you.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
She is making it easy to let go... and that [censored]. She had me believing that I was this "super turd". Come to find out after knowing her for almost 11 years and being married for over 9 I really didn't know her at all. I was going crazy, My therapist told me I wasn't an alcoholic, my friends say I'm hardly drunk, and gave everything that I had. But her financial infidelity and now this entire possible legal thing that may happen is making wish I was able to turn back time and help her. When she is happy, she is a smart, funny witty, charming and still the most beautiful woman I have ever known. I'm just not sure that I can forgive the embezzlement part even if I knew I were not exposing myself and my boys to legal and financial risk.... That's the worst. And even if I could forgive her, I would have to live the rest of my life with that on my shoulders.... I am hoping to talk to my Priest after Mass this morning.
Thanks for letting me ramble and get this off my chest.
Together 06-04 Married 10-05 She Left 10-11-14 I filed 10-22-14
SO W and I have been having decent texts lately. so I asked her to send me a list of things that I can improve upon... I was expecting just some bullet points.. but instead I get this....
Drinking: Your alcoholism Was the main reason I left. You've acknowledged it yet don't seem To understand how much it affected our family. Climbing trees while drunk, driving home from Fairs (with the kids) while drunk, Lucas drawing you a Father's Day card with a beer can on it. You drunk in the parking lot (and drinking still) while I was having my first major photography show. Kids running around in the woods half undressed when chilly out while you sat by the bonfire. At my show People asked where you were and I was too embarrassed to say you were tailgating in the parking lot on one of the most important nights of my life. Those are just Examples of just how it affected our family.
Things that were important to me didn't seem to be important enough to you: Molly's defacing of the kids room for example. It was a health hazard. That's why the kids weren't allowed in there. I scrubbed the carpets until I just gave up. Begged for you to help me remove the carpet. That's why the kids didn't sleep in there. You couldn't breathe with the crap and urine everywhere. Another example. My car. I drove daily with your kids. When I had concerns you blew them off. Brakes, other issues. I've had nothing but issues with it and was scared at times because of a new issue. Now that I told you I had my car worked on and had to pay, you say "I would've done it". You didn't. When I sent you pics of cars, it wasn't because I wanted to be money hungry like you claim. My car has always been an issue. Those were all cars that the payment would be the same or lower. Newer. Safer. Less miles. It was an embarrassment that your dad came over to constantly help with projects because you wouldn't do them. We had holes in our walls for 4 years. I gave up on caring that the house was clean because who cared? The carpet was trashed. You didn't follow through on a sidewalk, I would've never had anyone over with holes in the walls, pee soaked carpet, etc.
Unwillingness to do anything/leave the house: We could have done family things that did t cost money. We had a zoo membership. Bike rides, walks, park, etc. instead you had bonfires and drank in the yard.
Constant criticism of money: Yes it's a major thing. I know my not working sucked. So would paying daycare. Thought we were on the same page with not working until you blamed me for everything. Kids are expensive. We have 3. It's impossible not to spend money when you have kids. Food alone is awful. I sold the kids clothes to buy things. Yes I got my hair done but it was something I needed for me. I was home with the kids and honestly deserved something for me.
Your constant job loss: You are never happy at a job. The first few months are great. Then you hate it. You get miserable. I've seen it time and time again. We lose our insurance, etc. it's such a huge stress. You were drinking on the job at Compact Power. In the office and while traveling. When you started the job, you swore that was your dream job. You wanted to travel. The money was great. We had benefits. When you have a family you make stability a priority. Even if it [censored] sometimes.
I refused to be in the same room with you when you were drinking. If you think back we had great talks and texts while you were at work because I could deal with you sober. Then you started drinking after work at "team meetings". You'd come home from dj jobs and people would tell me you were at sharkys after. You told me you stayed late or played longer. Your drinking consumed you. I told you to stop. I asked your dad if you could move in with him while you got help so that I wouldn't uproot the kids and move (because he told me you've needed rehab for years and promised we would get you help so I would stay).
Together 06-04 Married 10-05 She Left 10-11-14 I filed 10-22-14
