Maybell XXV: Moving Toward the Lighthouse

[labug]

As I say, not all gifts are wrapped in pretty packages and tied with a bow, some appear as Sh!t Sandwiches.

Now that you've reached a new level of letting go, how about having a talk with H? No shame, no blame, just the facts about how much you're willing to foster his R with his children.

Your boundaries.

Then let it go. He is an adult, he can do this if he chooses to.

A note about resentment, my bugaboo. Don't invite it in. If you're doing anything for any reason other than it's what you want to do or believe to be, in light of your values, the best thing to do, stop doing it. Make choices that are yours because doing anything less than that is fertile ground for resentment to grow. Knowing your boundaries, stating your boundaries and maintaining your boundaries is key. People can't respect our boundaries is they don't know them.

Many of us fear setting boundaries because 1) we want to be liked and 2) we might have to defend the boundary. My answer to that:
1) it's better to like/respect yourself 2) it's better to be surrounded by people who respect your boundaries. Let those who don't fall away.

I hope you don't picture Yoda in your mind when you think of me but I leave you with this: “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” <(-.-)>

[Maybell]

Horrible, horrible night with D11.

It's not very nice to be told that I should go kill myself because I said she couldn't have goldfish crackers.

[Georgiabelle]

I'm sorry, Maybell. I can totally relate as I had a similar day with D9. Grrrr...

[Maybell]

Closed it out with a save. D11 is starting to thaw some. Makes me sad/heartens me to see her crying quietly rather than just insanely angry. Maybe she will learn to open up a little.

And then we had a long conversation about God.

Parenting is HARD.

[okjpc]

Maybell,
Thank you for your postings. There is some really good stuff here. And i relate to the kid troubles. My S5 spent most of the morning telling me he hates me, no one likes me, I'm stupid, I smell like a butt, etc. My D7 just kept sticking her tongue out at me and harrumphing every time I tried to talk to her.
They're having a hard time with the S and the changes and have to take it out on someone, I guess.

And labug, thanks for the Yoda emoticon! I'd never seen that before.

[Maybell]

Labug, you called it. Not doubt so much as yearning. But it's stupid.

So the Christmas lashing out and the money comment have really rattled me and I've been thinking about how to address those in a way that makes me feel safe without incurring anymore spew.

So I started reading about the pursuer/distancer dynamic to see if spew was the normal accompaniment to adjusting the dance. This led me down a merry road of books that lead to reconciliation, which took my brain with it and reopened my heart to that possibility.

Realistically, there is no possibility of reconciliation at this time. He is not in a place where he can even handle the relationship with his children, let alone with me, considering our history. I am seriously starting to doubt if he will ever be.

This may be an aside, but I have to put it out there, FWIW... the psychic told me he's moved on to #2, and one of my guy friends said he thinks he has too, but if he has there is no evidence of it in the credit cards that I can read. He shows up very little in the credit card statements at all -- and yet we're out a chunk of money and I can't figure it out. Another reason for me to move a legal separation into place.

When we have this discussion and I tell him what I want to do, he's going to snap at me (again) for telling him there's no such thing as legal separation in our state -- which is true, I explained to him how it works, and neither one of us was ready to deal with legal documents at that time. But he has forgotten that part (because I said something about legal separation a few weeks ago and he snapped at me then too), and if he hasn't done his own research to understand how it works in our state then it's not really my responsibility to educate him. But I do kind of fear the conversation. I'm also really anxious about what will happen with the house.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post, but I felt a pressure in my chest that needed to be released. When I told my friend about the Christmas/bank account conversations she said that I was supposed to stay under his thumb till he was ready to deal with me, and that the fact that I'd gotten a job, made my own holiday plans, opened the bank account and declined to pursue him. Why would he want me under his thumb when he has made it so clear he doesn't want me at all? To feel one-up (to use the term from The Passion Trap)? Because he's insecure in his standing in the world and needs to keep me under him so he doesn't hit rock bottom?

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but his behavior is confusing to me and I am anxious about Christmas. I'm not getting him a present but I did let the kids get him a few stocking stuffers and we aren't buying all the xBox games he asked for -- because they have their own ideas of what they'd like him to have and I'm honoring that.

[labug]

MB, explain in more detail the call about the bank acct. I'm not getting the importance of it to you. Not saying it's not important, but I'm not standing in your shoes so I'm not feeling what you're feeling.

((( )))

Today's the Winter Solstice, write down things you want to leave behind as we enter the Season of Light. Throw them one by one into the fire and let them dissipate with the smoke.

If they start niggling at you again remind yourself that you've turned them over to God, your higher power, whatever.

Free yourself.

[Maybell]

He had a hissy fit about Christmas Eve because I said I had plans for that evening and didn't want the kids & I to go out to dinner with him because I have plans. He had them for Thanksgiving the whole week, and will have them during the day Christmas Eve because I have to work, and will have them the weekend after Christmas as well. So he's only missing dinner with me that evening. He'll see them a lot. When I said no to dinner he demanded to know what my plans were and that I didn't need to be "so mysterious" -- that I could be specific about what my plans were because he has a right to know where his kids are on Christmas Eve. So I told him. Then he wanted D11 to not participate in my plans and also said he would take the boys away from me on Christmas Day to play the video game he bought them.

I said no, he was NOT to do that because he'd had them for Thanksgiving and Christmas was mine. Then he pitched more of a fit and said that "I know things aren't conducive to things being much of a "family" Christmas right now, but I'm doing everything I can to try to make this one at least as normal for them as it can be, and for it to involve us both equally." (which I notice wasn't at all a concern for him when he excluded me at Thanksgiving.) He also claimed to be the only one trying to make Christmas nice for them at all.

So we smoothed that over with some validating and mutual apologies.

Then the next day he asked if I had gotten a separate bank account for my new paycheck and that he had a "right" to know what I'm making and how much is in my bank account because he's treated things as shared and I ought to as well. So I told him my salary, confirmed I have my own account, and told him how much cash was in it. Then I said that if he had anything more to say about the finances we should reserve that for an in-person conversation when the kids weren't present. He answered another element of that email but didn't respond to the finance part, which I took to mean he DOES have more to say about it but is respecting my request to do that in person.

I had told him before he even moved out that if I got a job I wanted to have my own bank account so that I could feel more like my own person and he'd said he understood that. Given how things are going I do feel very insecure about his intentions and any mention he makes about money exacerbates that.

Looking it over again I can see that maybe he didn't mean for that to be nearly as threatening as it feels to me, because he can't understand that I no longer see him as trustworthy and because I've seen so many examples of SAHM's being left in dire straits.

I need to be legally separated to address some of that fear. I am afraid that this new H who snaps at me and seems to expect me to be available at his request is going to try to back me into a corner about taking steps to feel more secure. He's going to see it as a personal insult on his integrity. Which I feel he has very little and he has said (even post-BD) that he has lots of integrity and is a very honest person. I guess, in short, that I'm afraid my changes are about to be tested and that even if they stand firm that I will be made to suffer for it in some way.

I behaved very badly in the months leading up to his departure. To a certain extent, I'm getting what I dished out.

I suspect that things are going to get worse before they get better and I'm not looking forward to it. I've been through enough. I'm ready to spend my time on people who are happy that I care about them. People who don't lash out at me because of their own choices.

Thanks for the idea about celebrating the solstice. I think I'm going to go do that now.

[Lorelai]

Great idea, LB. I am going to do that tonight. Maybell, your posts are so helpful. I've been taking so much from the boards and not giving back. I'd like to be better about that.

[Maybell]

I will say that last week he asked me if "we" still have the old space heater because he's afraid the floor of the laundry room is too cold for S8 to sleep comfortably. I said I didn't think "we" did and he said he didn't think so.

At least he's concerned about their well-being when they're present.

Kids opted to not buy him any video games for Christmas. They got things they thought he would enjoy IRL. They were very thoughtful and demonstrated that they really understand him, which is nice.