I got an email at work today that talked about growing your business, and it closed with this great, great line:
Quote:
Fear is a lighthouse …
Head for it. What you want – a new job, a new life, a video blog or to make a difference – is right past the lighthouse. Your fear is leading you there.
Quick recap because 24 threads is TOO MANY for anyone to wade through:
October 2012, we're living on the west coast, experiencing the fallout of some surmountable financial issues, H accepts a job that brings us back to the east coast, near our previous home and driving distance (though still quite far) from family.
January 2013, he moves out ahead of me and the kids to start work. During his FIRST WEEK at the new job, kicks off an affair with an employee of the new company who lives in Europe.
February 2013, kids and I join him on the east coast with no idea of what we're walking into.
July 2013, OW's baby daddy outs my H. (I had the pleasure of seeing MANY screenshots of very explicit text messages between H and OW. Good times.) H asks for MC, says he wants to work things out. Hysterical bonding.
August 2013-April 2014, nosedive. H never gave up OW. I'm pressuring him more and more to commit to the marriage; he won't. Two marriage counselors, lots of lies, months of me begging, pleading, and screaming.
April 2014, he moves out. It's meant to be a three-month separation while we work on the marriage. Baby Daddy outs him again and I get a lawyer, but don't do more than very ostentatiously find out my options.
July 2014, he says "I'm not seeing OW anymore." Cue me freaking out and thinking we're going to reconcile.
October 2014, after him being wishy-washy, asking me out for lunches but total silence in between, nothing good happening between us and me just feeling strung along and anti-detached, I demand my space. Since October 2014 we only talk about kids and finances.
November 2014, a friend sends me a screenshot of his online dating profile. Also, after 12 years as a SAHM, I get a full-time job.
And here I am. I've been tremendously blessed. This is not a road I recommend for anyone, but it's the one I apparently needed to walk. Most likely H and I are through. And yet I'm still standing, and better in many, many ways than I ever was before. Hence my tag line, which I haven't changed in months and don't see any reason to change now.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
((Maybell)). This makes me cry as I think about my own journey I must face. Love the lighthouse reference. I'm heading there. Your writing has been so encouraging and inspiring... Thank you. I know you will be OK.
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
your summary shows the rough, long and difficult journey you've had and i wouldnt wish it on anyone. I do really think its also clear how much stronger you are and how much youve grown for it so the bits may be rough but the whole story is a positive one.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Thanks for your summary. I wasn't aware of your whole journey. What an ordeal. It takes a lot of courage to do it with such strength and persistence. You might not feel strong all the time, but you've taken care of yourself and your kids and grown a lot (the job!) in the meantime. Don't think that everybody would have done so well.
I noticed elsewhere that you tend to push your timeline to the longest time possible, up to four (?) years, because of the initial detachment of your H. We could all do this.
I'd like to suggest something different: according to your timeline, you really started DBing in October 2014, when you stopped pursuing and demanded your space. That's two months ago. Since then, he warmed up a little, commented on your changes and called you mysterious. Ever the optimist, I'd suggest that you'll have a few more moths to wait before you see the full impact on your H. You'll have to keep doing it consistently, work on yourself like you've been doing, look your best for the world to see and admire, push your limits to grow. You don't feel like doing it for H anymore, right? Excellent.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
No, I'm definitely not doing it for my H. Anymore. (How sad is that, that I was for so long?)
I had a lightbulb moment earlier tonight.
He can't make me happy. I have to find it for myself. In myself.
Ergo...
I can't make him happy either.
So when he said he was leaving because he wasn't happy, that wasn't because of all my flaws. He could have changed gears at any time and I would have supported him. That's been the history of our entire marriage. But he decided to make it my problem. Which it's not.
That's not to say I don't have flaws. But my flaws can't make someone run all by themselves. He ran because of HIS flaws.
Betsey said earlier about the way constant criticism warps us. The week my H decided to leave, I went with the kids to go stay with my parents, who spent three days telling me how difficult and emotional I am (the week my husband announced he was leaving me!!) and told me it was my fault he was leaving because I'm too hard to live with.
Inadequacy has been a pretty constant theme of my life and I think what I've realized is we're ALL inadequate. Because all this happened in a community where I was a complete stranger, I've had to accept a lot of help from people who had no other reason to offer it than kindness. That has taught me a lot. Everybody poops, and everybody's poop stinks. As soon as you can get your head around that, it's kind of hard to not be happy. At least for me. I know and love a couple that has REAL struggles in their marriage... But there is a lot about it that I envy, too. So, why not be happy? My marriage has fallen to shreds, but my future is still very good, a lot about my past is good, and I enjoy some tremendous blessings today too. (One of those blessings is my St. John's Wort...)
So, even before I started cleaning up my act, my H's running away was still more about him than about me. When I went to visit my old church a few weeks ago, my pastor noticed me in the congregation and repeated a line from her sermon, twice, looking me in the eyes and pausing till I nodded... "I am enough."
I am.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
So when he said he was leaving because he wasn't happy, that wasn't because of all my flaws. He could have changed gears at any time and I would have supported him. That's been the history of our entire marriage. But he decided to make it my problem. Which it's not.
That's not to say I don't have flaws. But my flaws can't make someone run all by themselves. He ran because of HIS flaws.
This. A million times this.
I'm starting to learn H's spew when he left, blaming me for everything. Is starting to unravel. He's starting to realize and admit that everything, is not in fact, my fault. I took a lot of it to heart but I'm starting to realize the message of what you just posted. Was I perfect? Nope. Can I be a better wife, a better person, absolutely. But I did not destroy my H. I did not destroy my marriage. H left because of his own chit. H is dealing with the fallout of his own flaws. Between this post and bug's posts to me over the past 24 hours, a lot is coming to light. /thread hijack
maybell, this is a beautifully written post. Thank you for sharing your story and providing inspiration.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
confirming about my bank account seems to have as well.