Our kids holiday performances were today at school. We have two kids - D6 and S9. My WAW wife and I work at the same hospital different departments. She called and wanted to know if we are going to ride to school together. I did not reply but we did sit together at the school auditorium.
She seems to call and want us to ride together for school events, therapy, etc... I find that incredibly f*cked up. I have not said that of course, I just don't respond.
What gives - anyone care to make a guess? Am I doing the right thing by ignoring her?
On ou 19th anniverssary, my wife told me she was in love with someone else and wanted my permission to have an affair with her. The other woman is in an open relationship marriage.
I said no, I am definately not OK with this. She continued to see her, the relationship turned physical, I asked her to move out which she did in October.
with the riding together its up to you how you feel about it but if your not happy about it dont do it.
I read on some peoples situations how the WAS likes to still keep the 'happy family' element when it suits them. whether thats because they are confused about their choice, or whether they think its them being 'noble' only they know and it doesnt do us favours to guess
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
As usual, I have to guess. Christ, this seems to be a guessing game - it all boils down to guesswork and that is depressing. There is no "answer" only possibilities and permutations and feelings all nebulous stuff.
Bottom line - my wife left me, is f#cking someone else and there is NOTHING I can do about.
Enough of the pity party I continue to throw myself.
Here is what I am doing.
1. going to IC for me weekly
2. not pursuing
3. trying really hard to not think about my WAW and her choices
4. It hurts but she complains about not having $$ but spends on trips to San Francisco to visit her OW at several times per month. She pursues the OP way more than the ow pursues her, both financially and emotionally - but that is not my problem anymore. It hurts to catch her in lies but I will not confront it, I will just accept her and try to understand she is hurting and confused.
5. I look at my situation in daily terms now, can I just get through this day and not think about 1 year from now, two years from now, etc... It's easier to think about things that way.
6. Enforce boundaries - when my wife shouts or curses, I will say "I don't like the way you are talking to me" and if she continues I will walk away.
I can do these little steps and hopefully make myself less insane
My WAW was sexually abused as a child by her father for many years until she was about 9. I knew about it, but we never ever talked about it. I felt she would talk about it if and when she wanted to. I know this has affected her deeply and her world view and her relationship views. When I look back, all of her love relationships have been subversive (with her high school teacher, having affairs before we got married, etc...). I have brought this up in therapy, but she is resistant to talking about it. Should I continue bring this up in therapy and just let it lie and let her figure it out. I always thought I could help her with this issue, but I am learning that we can't fix other people.
Confused as usual
Naj
I am answering on your thread and no doubt the vets can help.
Absolutely there is no fix for any other person and frankly that is too much responsibility. We can by acceptance and detachment and by being the best we can be, offering love provide an environment in which change can happen. Release happens when the time is right, it can be a word, a gesture or even a post on a web site. Something that resonates and causes a switch in the internal view.
Big changes can happen in a moment, a single breath, once a knowing happens then change occurs until the next stuck point.
If your spouse has mixed sexual feelings (some of which could arise from childhood abuse) then this needs special care and understanding for BOTH of you. Naj, it is you that we concern ourselves with, you are the one here on this thread with the confusion of dealing with a very difficult sitch. You are the one here who has our care and support.
Abuse by a parent for a child particularly sexual abuse breaks every taboo, law and deserves the full force of justice. It can confuse sex and love in the mind of the child too. It can create guilt and physical as well as other types of reactions. It is so awful that it is not true, having said that W is now an adult who can choose to address these issues in her life and it make take her a whole lifetime of work. As her spouse, if W is heavily affected still this may influence you.
Naj, what can you do to heal yourself?
I believe you can have help with this to resolve your feelings about how this has affected you. I would suggest IC to get you to a place where you can be comfortable and without judgement of W and yourself. In a place of personal peace you can listen and encourage W to open to change and release.
If you want to post further on this, the wonderful folks here will respond with all of the love they can.
Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/18/1405:49 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Went to D6 holiday party. Of course my WAW was there - she did not initiative conversation about us riding together as she has done in the past.
At the party, I purposly stayed busy by setting up food and drinks and serving the kids. I also made a point to introduce myself to many many parents, most who want to have a play date with my D6. That made me happy and I chatted with so many people which I have not done before the DB. I am a shy person by nature.
My WAW wife had a few minor commens which she initiated and then she left after about 20 minutes. She did not say goodbye nor do I look up to make any eye contact. She did ask me to take her food contirbutions to another party, I said OK. Usually I would text her to say how great her food was, thanks for making, etc... I did not do that today.
On the days she has D6, my D looks like a rag muffin. Today she did not have a coat on, and it was cold, did not have her hair combed and just looked like a street kid. I did not say anything and bit my tongue.
Thoughts on how I handled myself? Anything I can do better, I am always open for suggestions.
