Going DownHill 3- Served with Divorce Papers

[zed]

Old Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2506891#Post2506891

Thought I would start a new thread. Seems like I'm starting a new part of my life.

I'm confused, angry, sad, all gauntlet of emotions. Wife still wants to have Christmas together like a happy family. Meanwhile she takes the kids without my knowing where they are for 4 days. Then on the night of the oldest D Christmas concert she send me a text that I will be getting divorce papers.

How I am supposed to play happy for Christmas. I need space. I want to tell her that we can have separate Christmas's but not sure what is best. Right now I don't want to see her, talk to her or be even anywhere close to her.

[Calibri]

Sorry Zed.

The whole thing [censored].

I'd take a day or two to think about it and then go from there.

Take care of yourself.

[zed]

So laying in be not getting any sleep trying to make sense of this all. But it really doesn't make much sense.

I have done tonnes of reflection and I think I have realized my faults
- avoided conflict (always thought it was easier to turn other cheek
- Avoided anything emotional. Kept my feelings inside and thus wise didn't like to talk about them
- Worked to much. Felt like I needed to provided for family instead of actually being there for family
- Did not tell her she was pretty or how much I appreciated her. I always felt it was assumed. Her LL was words of affermation
- Ignored/brushed off clues. STBXW would be sad and said we had to work on marriage. I would just take it as she was having a bad day. It seemed like she would always feel better after a couple days

There are many others that I can think of. But is this enough to call it quits and give up. Especially with children involved?

I know I wasn't the best husband. But I do hope that I was a good one.
- I provided for family. She never had to work and we never had any money problems
- When I wasn't working I tried to give undivided attention to family
- I did not cheat on her, beat her, belittle her or call her down ever.
- I was a good dad STBXW even said so.

[zed]

So I don't know if this is right and I might be blaming but maybe it wasn't me. W had problems with depression. Even before I met her she battled bulimia. She always had to be looking forward to something to be happy. Like a trip or building a new house.

I feel like she could never be happy for herself. I once asked her what she was sorry for in the marriage. Her first 2 answer's were not being happy and being angry. Isn't that for her not for me. I was sorry for not doing things for her. But she is sorry for not being/doing something that should come from within.

When this all started she got into Angels and self healing. She really started to dig into this way of thinking. I feel, know that she started to feel happier. Thus I was the one that mad her unhappy. She really felt that I made her unhappy so she convinced herself that this had to end.

I really hope this is not the truth. B/c then the only way I see it is that in a couple years she will see that she still is not happy in life. I really want her to be happy. But always hoped it would be with me.

[zed]

It makes me sad and angry. That right now she has so much hate for me. And want to hurt me. She told me she took her wedding rings off the day I told her I did not want to move out of the house and that I wanted 50/50 with the kids. Isn't that kind of a temper tantrum. I mean isn't 50/50 and not voluntary moving out the house something sane people would do. Why did she think that that was so bad?
I think I know. She felt/ convinced herself that I hurt her and this was one more way I was hurting her or letting her down.

[zed]

She also said I never had her back. That I was stubborn and always argued with her. Maybe I did. But did she not want me to have an opinion. MIL told her she should go on meds for depression a couple years ago. She did not want to. I had her back then and tried to help her. But maybe that is what it was. I offered a solution, maybe going back to work (so she could get a sense of accomplishment and see people), seeing a shrink. Instead of just listening to her.

[zed]

So where do I go from hear. She is so mad. Any little thing about child care, splitting assets etc turns bad. As she says I am being difficult. I can't see this getting any better. She will keep getting more angry with me. And I am at the end of my rope. I feel like I keep giving 1" and she try's to take 2".

I really feel like I can't be any where around her right now as I have so much anger myself. For how this will hurt the kids. That I feel this should never happened. How do I do what should be best for the kids and still deal with this.

Do I give her the family Christmas. Especailly 1 week after she sent me divorce papers, took the kids out of the house and away from me. If I don't she will say that I am being selfish and not doing what is best for the kids.

[zed]

I got to find some goals. To get me moving. Right now the only goal I feel I have is getting the kids 50/50. But that is sort of out of my hands and in the hands of the courts.
So maybe lets try this
- Continue to be the best dad I can be
- Work on communication. Most of the time I say something other than I really mean
- Be a good friend and neighbor, I feel I was self involved and never really took notice of what was going on with other people and friends
- Try to release W from my anger. I don't want to be mad at her. But I just am right now.

I will try to keep thinking of stuff. So much going on in my head right now. Just hard to make sense of it all

[SunnyB]

Zed, so sorry about the papers. Try to do something nice for yourself today. A workout, a visit to the coffee shop, something to treat yourself kindly. There's time to set goals tomorrow; for today, let it all go, and be nice to yourself.

[Dawn70]

Sorry you are in this place. My XH signed our papers yesterday and I am really feeling the brunt of it, so I totally empathize with you. Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way.