Thanks, daring, for your post on my last thread. I just don't feel amazing. At all. But it's nice to think someone thinks so.
So guys and gals... it's been a really long day. I slept three hours last night. I had the day from he11 with s17. Went to d13 game, and xh and I came back for a full-on sweep of s17 & his lifestyle. I see he is hurt and lost, but it is time for some serious tough love. Bil was here to help, too. Then he went and p/u d13 after the varsity game and took her to dinner.
What a difference a day makes. Last night was really nice with xh here. He even gave me a kiss when he was leaving. I think I was a little timid about it. Not that I was trying to be or anything, or that I didn't want him to or didn't like it. That is not the case AT ALL. It was really nice. I just, I don't know, maybe I'm just not as comfortable in my own skin around him or something. What a wimp.
Today, dealing with the stressor of s17 took a major toll on both of us. One thing that is driving xh crazy is his lack of control. He is not lashing out or anything, but not having his own space right now makes him squirrely. And, since I have done a lot of moving around, still have lots of unfinished projects (since he was here) and things have fallen apart daily, I know it makes him crazy... which makes me crazy. It is a joke among my friends how everything goes wrong. I am not playing the victim; I actually laugh MOST of the time. But seriously, like everything has broken... door handles, tv, toaster, fence, door knobs, molding, door frames, lights, vacuum cleaner, faucet, both water spigots you name it. It's not even like we had a falling apart house. We have renovated every room in this house. It sounds like run-of-the mill stuff... but I have had this house for 13 years. I am telling you... it is unbelievable. And on top of everything else... we have let some things slide. I have done the best I can. So there is no way I am going to be super defensive about this just because he is a perfectionist. Not gonna happen. Then I think about this brand new house he just moved into with all brand new stuff, with Suzie Homewrecker, who was nesting and decorating her new empty house. Gag me.
Whew... that was more then I intended...
Anyway... tensions were ascending this evening. He left. We were both exhausted, frustrated, overwhelmed. I am annoyed about something. Not sure what to say. Well.... he can do whatever he wants. So can I. That's the bottom line.
No "good-night" text today. And honestly, I am fine with that. I need some space right now. Another reminder that I am still detached enough. Still haven't hooked up anything to that crazy train. And my ticket on that ride has expired long ago. I am not about to renew it.
Just waiting.
I guess 3 weeks. A lot will be determined in three weeks. For many people. Including my kids. But they don't know the date or anything. I guess they will have to be told not so soon after. They'd find out anyway. Gag.
Three friggin weeks. In the meantime. I am not going to let this crap ruin my Christmas with my kids.
Oh man, I hope this will be an upswing for s17. Really.
But the three weeks- I just have a bad feeling. I hope because I just always would prepare for that in my head. I just don't know if I am ready for this. But I am ready to move the heck on from it. So yes, I am.
I am very sorry that things are on a rollercoaster right now and your S17 is having some issues. Do you think he may need some counseling or medication or is it just being a teenager is the reason for the behavior? It sounds like he's got a lot of issues to deal w/and it might help for him to talk to someone, i.e., priest, minister, coach or a counselor.
You are blessed that your bil is there to help out and was able to pick up your D13. He sounds like a wonderful, stable man.
As for things breaking down, it always seems like when one thing break, two more will follow. I had the same problem w/my home years ago. At some point, you just have to sit down, shake your head and ask yourself "what do I fix first?"
I do hope that things will settle down for you and your family. I know that the next 3 weeks are going to be weeks of tension and waiting for the other shoe to drop, but please try to carve out some "me" time for yourself. Stress can play a dangerous game w/your health. Be kind to yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks job. S17 has done the meds thing, counseling, coaches, uncles, he has a large support system & I told him last night he is burning bridges. That upset him. I pray he will come around, and I am hopeful of this too.
Yeah, the house thing... I was also left with some major renovations to deal with. Only rough-framed additions (2 of them) with nothing done including insulation and electrical- nothing. So when my "finished" part started falling apart it was like a joke. Like when I finally finished the bathroom upstairs and now it leaks into the diningroom. And my splurge for that room was heated floors. Well I just went to turn it on and it doesn't work. Of course the electrition says to call contractor and vice versa. Is such a pain.
But I just keep rolling. I mean, what else are you. Going to do?
Xh didn't go to work today. He called this morning and sounded terrible. He said he was so tired. I think he is hitting a low. Dealing w s17 last night took a toll. I still have some things to address- like boundaries and stuff. Fine line here. Some things he tells me that he just can't handle right now. Not talks specifically, but like paint colors and things like that. I recently painted the diningroom. It is a subtle color, but different than what we would normally do. I said I was going to change it all (has been my plan) and this is very difficult for him. He asked if I would just Chang it back for now until we take care of some other things.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
It was really nice. I just, I don't know, maybe I'm just not as comfortable in my own skin around him or something. What a wimp.
First, cut the BS and negative thinking. What did you expect when your exh came waltzing back into the picture? Sunshine and unicorns?? Not likely. You were in process of stepping off the coaster, and now... wheeeeeeee. Not that's a bad thing, but for crying out loud, stop bad-mouthing yourself. You anything but a wimp. Seriously. And you're not crazy, absent, nor a coward. You are a shining example of a strong human being.
That said, you should not let yourself get so run down. I.e. take time to get away! I know, I sound like a broken record and it's hard to get away with kids, breaking items around the house etc. Do it anyway. You'll be that much better able to handle the rest. I know from experience.
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Anyway... tensions were ascending this evening. He left. We were both exhausted, frustrated, overwhelmed. I am annoyed about something. Not sure what to say. Well.... he can do whatever he wants. So can I. That's the bottom line.
It is. But see above. I think it fits here as well. He has his issues to deal with and you yours. Annoyed about something? Really? Things are rapidly changing, breaking, mending, having to deal with the son, the daughter, listen to exH, miss sleep, work... What did you expect exactly? That you'd feel refreshed and able to take on the world?
The world won't stop spinning if you take a half day for yourself. It may just be easier to deal with if you do.
As for son? That's tough stuff. I know. Many of us have been there on both sides of it. That's a clue though - you'll help him navigate through it and he'll come out the other side. You are lucky that your exH wants to help your son. Not all of us are so lucky, Mighty. Take some advantage of that and let the two of them work together on some things. Whether you feel they are ready to or not, while you take a small break
My $0.02, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hey guys. Thanks. I'm OK. Kind of feeling emotionally overwhelmed right now. I just got out of work, and s17 was letting his anger roll out of his system a little. It is very hard to communicate with him. He is defensive about everything. He was looking to argue, and I wasn't really buying it. No communication was happening, so I left. I had to anyway, because I have so much to do, but I find myself back at the coffee shop... here.
I have this incredible amount of anxiety in me. I can act normally, well... my normal, for the most part. But there is a constant twinge.
This is all so much. I don't know if I can do this. I have such insecurities. Xh just called and said he was going to an after-work gathering for the managers (hww is a freaking manager). I think today or tomorrow will be her last day. I was like, ok, see you later. But inside I just think that I don't know that I could ever do this. I never wanted to live my life not trusting others, especially someone I am with. I don't. Obviously. I don't even know that I want to go back there. The more time is passing, the more I truly question it.
This makes me incredibly sad.
I just feel like I am about to break down.
I have tons to do for tomorrow. I'm not even concerned about it. It like it is not even real. Like it's not even Christmas. S17 was so disrespectful to me last night, I just threw all his Christmas stuff into a big bag. I don't even want to wrap it. That is horrible. He and I were always so festive and loving. Now there is so much anger in my house I can't stand being there.
Last night I left for an appointment (ALL CLEAR ON THE SURGERY!!) and I didn't even want to go home. So I didn't. For a few hours. Xh was calling and texting. I didn't respond. I needed time. I still do. I just need to be alone. I don't know what it will accomplish, but being around others isn't helping, either.
OK, venting and rambling. Yup, I'm back.
I wrote some things yesterday. I will do another post to track my thoughts.
