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Why don't you mention it to her?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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I lost track: why are you waiting for her to acknowledge the D instead of doing it first?

Sounds like a very good interaction with your BIL. Your changes are showing.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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bravo61 Offline OP
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It's kinda weird to me that she won't own this. Btw thanks for commenting, the crickets were starting to hurt my ears.

Just got done with C. She said that until XW sees what D really is she has no reason to examine herself & her decisions. Our main goals are to keep me from being bitter (told her about my internal monologue regarding the reason I have empathy). She agreed that XW is in a phase right now and w/out me in the picture she will have to question if it was really all me making her unhappy. She stated that in her experience most WAS do experience regret but the LBS tend to have moved on.


M40 XW35
M11 T15
S9 D5
Bomb 6/3/14
Papers del 10/3/14
D final 12/5/14

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
'Cause that's all you ever wanted
From me

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What do you mean by own this?

Again, why don't you bring it up to her?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Oct 2014
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About your bitterness: How would you like your W to approach you? What would make you open-minded, happy to open up and talk? Is it her laying out all that's wrong about you or her owning up to her mistakes?

It goes both ways: You will need to develop a monologue where you own up to your mistakes.

Right now, you might be short-sighted and see her departure as the mother of all sins, capped with lies, betrayal and more. But she didn't marry you to do this. She's likely hurt to go to such length. You have to recognize that she's doing this in part as a reaction to what she's endured over the years. Don't be too self-righteous, it won't help you.

As for the crickets, I encourage you to comment more on other people's threads. I see you've commented elsewhere only twice in the last 7 days. If we all comment only on our own threads, there won't be dialogues and reactions. Be the change you want to see in thee forums!


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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bravo61 Offline OP
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Bug, honestly I guess I'm scared to mention it. I hate this and never wanted it. I guess I have a scorecard in my head and don't realize/accept the game is over. I lost. She felt that this was the only way to save herself. That's what kills, it wasn't but it doesn't matter what I think.

Mozza, I'm not bitter and I don't want to be. I'm accepting my part of this by reminding myself everyday that my behavior drove her to this decision.

I am sad that her bitterness and anger (again partially my fault) has led her to where our family is. I've been in her state of mind and it does a terrible thing to a person and family.

This whole thing just [censored] and I have no one truly to blame for my behavior but myself.


M40 XW35
M11 T15
S9 D5
Bomb 6/3/14
Papers del 10/3/14
D final 12/5/14

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
'Cause that's all you ever wanted
From me

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Posts: 414
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bravo61 Offline OP
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Hey everyone. Please pray for my family (including XW) on today 12/18. It is the anniversary of our 1st date (16 yrs ago) & our engagement (12 yrs ago).

Im sure at some point tomorrow that will hit her. Im not gonna acknowledge it to her just gonna drink a beer & maybe go through the box of pics & gifts she gave me though the years. Just sad. Thanks.

I love you Sweet Girl & I'm sorry


M40 XW35
M11 T15
S9 D5
Bomb 6/3/14
Papers del 10/3/14
D final 12/5/14

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
'Cause that's all you ever wanted
From me

Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 414
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bravo61 Offline OP
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Not fun today. Just looked on FB to see if XW had put any or our life events on her page ie anniversary. Nope. She did however change her bday. Its now llisted as the day after the decree was signed. Quick someone remind me that this is a struggle for her & she still has feelings for me.

I will say that she hasn't been on FB today. I haven't & won't acknowledge today but she prolly has fear that I will on FB. Huge 180 on my part.

I feel like I'm crazy for still being so affected by this. I just miss her.


M40 XW35
M11 T15
S9 D5
Bomb 6/3/14
Papers del 10/3/14
D final 12/5/14

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
'Cause that's all you ever wanted
From me

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Stop looking on FB.

Control what you can control, stay off the roller coaster.

You set yourself up for these letdowns.

She's Dd from you and I know that's painful but it's reality.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 414
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bravo61 Offline OP
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you are right bug. i'm not a quitter and i'm not ready to give up on this. i have two major concerns/questions.

given my life history, abandonment etc, i've always been a somewhat negative person. how do i change that? i don't want to be that anymore. i've made great strides but i would like to hear and i'm open to any suggestions here.

second, what is the best strategy with my xw right now? going dark? i'm concerned about that as i was in another state for around 10 months. also, when she dropped the bomb, the first thing she said was "we needed someone we could depend on". i don't call, text, or spend a lot of time trying to chat her up during exchanges and its actually been pretty easy. she does cometimes ask me if i'm mad at her to which i smile and say nope.

on the decision to be more positve, i'm going to list some things that have been positive in my sitch:
i'm a awesome dad (even she has commented)
she has said she still loves me
she has said i'm a good person
she has said i'm attractive
she's reminisced fondly on our sex life
i don't cry everyday anymore
i'm closer to the Lord
the kids actively act as matchmakers (no urging from me)
she's not dating anyone
i don't try to "rescue" her anymore
she wants a hug every time i see her (well almost everytime)

i sure could use some help folks and i will be the clay. and i really want to be a more positive person for me and my life just need some guidance. thanks! i want to be the Crimson 2015!


M40 XW35
M11 T15
S9 D5
Bomb 6/3/14
Papers del 10/3/14
D final 12/5/14

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
'Cause that's all you ever wanted
From me

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