WAW...26yrs married...Devestated

[mrchip]

The last week of Oct wife left. Said she couldn't do it anymore. Felt suffocated and overwhelmed. She worried about our future (financially) didn't want to end up like her parents (in subsidized housing, her dad still working in his late 60's and barely making in ends meet. Also my Dad is also still working in his early 70's because he never had a retirement plan). Doesn't like the way I dealt with finances. Says she needs a "man". Currently is renting a room for a divorced friend she works with. She says there is no one else and she is not interested in anyone else.

We were high school sweet hearts. Married at 18 and 19 out of love (no pregnancy). We have 2 kids and some big stresses in life such as I've had poor health (in and out of hospital - for odd symptons; chronic fatigue syndrome), until recently always seemed to struggle with money and living month to month having little.

She works full time and I have my own business. She was very stressed at work (up until this last week when her boss was transferred). I also work long hours. She says I always seemed stressed...I don't feel it just trying to save money to get a house which she wants to call her own.

I had gone through a bankruptcy several years back and don't have credit. We would save my money and would use hers to pay for bills. Anytime we needed anything like groceries I would pay for them mostly. Also big ticket items like a trip we took with our S in march to Mexico. I also traded service hours I had banked with a client for a vehicle. I do not like being in debt but it took time to get these things - about 3yrs of savings for the vehicle.

I told her anytime she needed $ (when her cheques wouldn't cover everything) we would take it from the savings account.

I knew she wasn't happy but had stopped talking to me. We had renewed our wedding vows in the beginning of Aug. (something she wanted to do) She left end of Oct. She is not interested in counseling as we have done it before and "it doesn't work"

We would often say we were soulmates. When one would die the other shortly after. We do not fight. I have never demeaned or done things to belittle or bring her down. In fact I always build her up. Often I would drop a coffee off at her work around 3 as I know she has a lull in her day. I was the guy that would show up on valentines last yr with a 5' stuffed animal and roses for her. A hopeless romantic. My heart still skips a beat when I see her and I always greet her with a smile on my face. She is my love and everything.

I believe in the vows till death do us part, for better or for worse. I feel abandoned by the one I gave my all and my complete trust. I can't understand how I have caused so much grief that she thinks her life will be better without me.

I believe she does have feelings for me but is burying them deep and putting the walls up quite quickly. I believe she self talks that it is over and she talks herself into believing it.

Here's the actions I've taken so far:
*Trying to give her space by not contacting her.
*When she contacts I try to keep it short and end the conversation.
*She had a 2nd mammogram screening for an anomaly they found. She didn't want to see me after she left but I couldn't let her go through the appt by herself. I took a gamble and showed up at the clinic to support her. She was appreciative and invited me over to her place that night. She opened up a bit and then put the walls back up - I believe cause the hurt is to great and doesn't believe it can change.
*She accompanied me to my cardiologist appt. We were early and we sat in the car and I blew it. I tried talking with her how much it hurt and how it wasn't right. She felt completely overwhelmed and said she couldn't take it. I dropped it. We went inside and waited another hour. We chatted about all kinds of things and I could see the joy and happiness in her as she talked with me. She asked if I would take her out for dinner and a hockey game on the weekend but then cancelled the plans later that week saying she's not ready to date. She also mentioned she needed a winter coat and boots.
*I bought her a winter coat and dropped it off for her. The unannounced visit was not received well. She does love the coat
*I told her I would be willing to get her boots but for her to call me on Sat if she wanted me too. Surprisingly she called early (9am) to go to the store. She also wanted to go to the store next door to pick up a gift for the friend she is staying with. I took that as a good sign she wanted to spend some more time with me. She did keep the shopping short though...about an hour)
*Every year a Christmas tradition is to go in the woods and get our own tree. Which she use to love. This year she said no. The kids insisted and she told them this will be the last year. I made everything as good as I could. Tried being very happy, laughing with the boys, not letting anything get to me. Filled her vehicle up on the way up and then topped it up on the way back. Packed some of her favorite stuff to eat, made the hot chocolate. Basically trying to show I'm looking after all the needs. We had a good day. However when we came back to the house she started gathering more of her belongings and wanting to talk about how we are going to separate stuff. I told her now wasn't the time but it was like a knife to my heart. Once she left I completely broke down in front of the boys.
* She has a 3rd screening this week. I do plan on going with her. It's on Wed. I plan on txting her tues to let her know I'll take her.
* She did stop by the house to pick up more stuff with our son. She said the place needs decorating and she put up some decorations for me...including the mistletoe. I'm getting very conflicted actions from her.
* She is going to stay over Christmas eve and Christmas day for the kids.


Here's whats not working for me:
GAL: I'm having so much trouble. I don't know who I am. My whole life since high school has been around her and enjoying her and our kids. For me it was a great life. I would always put their needs 1st. I do dirtbike with my son (but can't in the Canadian winters). I don't have any close friends (lots of acquaintances - they have busy lives and not interested in much more). Additionally, anytime I do something my mind heart and soul instantly turn to wishing she was here to share it with or being able to tell her about it.

Sexual: How do u deal with the lack of sex? I do have a high desire and I try not to think about it or change the thoughts but I go to bed with it on my mind and often woken up in the middle of the night because of it. Masturbation does not seem to fulfill the desire and maybe because I'm wanting the closeness and love. I don't want to be unfaithful and fear the desire for some contact will be too great.

Failure at keeping the boys out of it: I'm not talking mean about their mom or bringing her down. I am hurting and they are all I have right now. I can't stop myself from being devastated and break down. I need their support and they are all I have. They have been very good and encouraging. I make sure to tell them both to give Mom lots of love and support and not to let my hurt carry over to Mom. On the plus side it has strengthened our relationship.

I'm devastated, broken and need help.

1) How do I get her back?
2) How do I make her fall back in love with me?

To those that have read this far. Thank you very much I look fwd to your responses.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[Wet]

Welcome to the board, but I am sorry to see you here. You will find great people here that will help you, if you let them.

I find some similarity between our situations - I am self-employed, financial issues, health issues, and a WAW. And being in Minnesota, I am almost a Canadian, right? So I am wishing you the best.

On your question #1, how do you get her back? Have you picked up DR yet? There is no way of doing this without detaching and GAL, which are best explained in DR. Put in the work, and this is the best chance you have to save yourself and your marriage.

[mrchip]

Thanks Cadet...as I mentioned earlier my life was her and my family since 18. I don't know who I am without her...so tough to GAL and when I do something I just want to share it with her and have her experience it with me.

Wet...thank you and nice to hear of someone who can relate. I went to chapters and they did not have DR but I picked up Divorce Busting. Hope it helps. They said it would be a cpl weeks or longer to receive DR. I am off to the gym right now...so I guess I am GALing a bit

Pls keep the comments and suggestions coming.

[Cadet]

Thanks Cadet...as I mentioned earlier my life was her and my family since 18. I don't know who I am without her...so tough to GAL and when I do something I just want to share it with her and have her experience it with me.

Yes we have all been there.

You will have a new life, but for now take your time and grieve the old one.

Then start learning what went wrong, how to FIX yourself and how you want to fashion your new life!

[Okabe]

I knew she wasn't happy but had stopped talking to me. We had renewed our wedding vows in the beginning of Aug. (something she wanted to do) She left end of Oct. She is not interested in counseling as we have done it before and "it doesn't work"

I get this one. I was in a sitch where I knew something was wrong, nothing in mentioned for months, and then separation is brought up. I also know the counseling "doesn't work" statement. She may really feel this way or she may be re-writing everything into a negative light.

We would often say we were soulmates. When one would die the other shortly after. We do not fight. I have never demeaned or done things to belittle or bring her down. In fact I always build her up. Often I would drop a coffee off at her work around 3 as I know she has a lull in her day. I was the guy that would show up on valentines last yr with a 5' stuffed animal and roses for her. A hopeless romantic. My heart still skips a beat when I see her and I always greet her with a smile on my face. She is my love and everything.

I believe in the vows till death do us part, for better or for worse. I feel abandoned by the one I gave my all and my complete trust. I can't understand how I have caused so much grief that she thinks her life will be better without me.
This is no fun and I feel where you are coming from. You won't understand why she feels this way yet. It is now time to get yourself right (just like Cadet tells everyone).

I believe she does have feelings for me but is burying them deep and putting the walls up quite quickly. I believe she self talks that it is over and she talks herself into believing it.

She might be doing just that, but you can't control that. You can only control yourself and address your issues.


Here's whats not working for me:
GAL: I'm having so much trouble. I don't know who I am. My whole life since high school has been around her and enjoying her and our kids. For me it was a great life. I would always put their needs 1st. I do dirtbike with my son (but can't in the Canadian winters). I don't have any close friends (lots of acquaintances - they have busy lives and not interested in much more). Additionally, anytime I do something my mind heart and soul instantly turn to wishing she was here to share it with or being able to tell her about it.

GAL is hard as you have been putting all of yourself into the relationship for a long time. Look at as a new adventure that is for you, to make you into a newer, better version of yourself. Don't know what to do? Then try anything: A new sport, hobby, volunteering. Anything. As long as it is for you. struggle with this too, keep at it. You might want to consider reading Codependent No More. It might help you.

Sexual: How do u deal with the lack of sex? I do have a high desire and I try not to think about it or change the thoughts but I go to bed with it on my mind and often woken up in the middle of the night because of it. Masturbation does not seem to fulfill the desire and maybe because I'm wanting the closeness and love. I don't want to be unfaithful and fear the desire for some contact will be too great.

All the more a reason for a hobby. But I get this, just even needing a hug from the one you love and not being able to get it s**ks.

Failure at keeping the boys out of it: I'm not talking mean about their mom or bringing her down. I am hurting and they are all I have right now. I can't stop myself from being devastated and break down. I need their support and they are all I have. They have been very good and encouraging. I make sure to tell them both to give Mom lots of love and support and not to let my hurt carry over to Mom. On the plus side it has strengthened our relationship.

This is good. Continue to be a good dad.

I'm devastated, broken and need help.

1) How do I get her back?
2) How do I make her fall back in love with me?

Here is the hardest thing.
1) you might not
2) you can't make her do anything. This is the time to figure yourself out, detach, GAL ,and become the man you want to be with her or with out. Hopefully the changes you make in yourself will help open the door to reconciliation but if they don't you will be in a much better place if you hadn't done these things.

To those that have read this far. Thank you very much I look fwd to your responses.

Keep your head up.

[Wet]

Hi mrchip,

I know a big thing for us guys is to get our heads around why our wives have left us. Have you taken a look at the possibility that your W is going through a mid-life crisis?

Your actions are the same whether she is MLC or a walk-away wife. But the MLC is a real thing, and if your W is going through it, it will be a long haul. Prepare yourself if it is a MLC.

[mrchip]

Wet...yes several ppl have mentioned that it sounds like a MLC and is a real possibility I suppose but what do I know?

Cadet...the fear I have with grieving is to me it feels like I've given up...I've accepted the loss. I fear if I do that I wont continue to fight or become nonchalant, bitter and angry. If I continue to think she is my wife and I need to continue to lover her I see her in a different light.

On a positive note. After talking with several ppl and a couple of them are quite senior to me (60's and 70's) they have all said the same thing. Back off and give her space.

I have had some contact with her. 2 nights ago I witnessed an assualt (a woman was punched in the face, knocked to the ground and was being pinned and strangled) I got involved and unceremoniously removed the assailant (who did get away)from the victim. I ended up in the hospital and txted wife to let her know - I wasn't going to but a friend said I really should. She showed alot of concern and was going to come down to the hospital - said she was so worried she couldn't sleep. Oddly in her text she referred to me by name which she never uses. It's always Hunny, sweetie or some kind of pet name. I don't know what to make of that if anything.

The next day she had her 3rd breast screening. I drove her to it but this time I picked up my other son so there would be 3 of us. Thank God everything is fine. I told my son I would take him out to lunch...wife asked if she could go too. Which I thought was a good sign. When I dropped her off I didn't look for a good by, hug or kiss. Just see u later glad all is well, have a good day. Later she txt me to see if I was going to the gym so she could plan her day. She was not at the gym that night so assuming she still does not want to show up if I'm there.

Am I on the right track? All though the grief is not as often when it hits it is still just as deep.

thanks everyone

[Cadet]

Wife left in Oct. She came by house yesterday to pick up some stuff. Tells me she is much stronger than when she left (felt like it was a "see I don't need you" kind of comment - which I found strange as I never, in my mind, made her feel like she "needed" me or that I was the "solution" to her life)

At this point it still feels like she wants to be mad at me and show she doesnt need nor want me.

She is going to stay over Christmas Eve and spend the day on Christmas for the kids (17 and 23) We have agreed on exchanging gifts.How do I maintain the detachment without seeming rude or uninstrested in her?

Cadet...the fear I have with grieving is to me it feels like I've given up...I've accepted the loss. I fear if I do that I wont continue to fight or become nonchalant, bitter and angry. If I continue to think she is my wife and I need to continue to lover her I see her in a different light.

On a positive note. After talking with several ppl and a couple of them are quite senior to me (60's and 70's) they have all said the same thing. Back off and give her space.

DB'ing is counter intuitive.

Yes you need to give space.

Giving space does not mean that you are not fighting (think Ghandi - passive resistance) or that you should be bitter or angry, those are all things that you can CONTROL in YOU and points to work on.

[mrchip]

Thanks Cadet for reposting to where this should be. When you say DB'ing is counter intuitive does that mean everything I think I should be doing for her and the relationship (like explaining thing in the past, trying to look after her broken heart etc) I should not be doing and let her deal with it on her own? Could you give an example?

Doesn't her own thinking just reconfirm that she should have left. After all she came to that decision on her own. If I don't run "interception" wont she just carry on with that thinking?

I am giving her space. I have made no contact with her at this point. No txt's or phone calls. I do not plan on making any contact till she comes over on the 24th. When she is here I plan on being welcoming but not putting the attention on her but rather the boys as I'm confused about detaching when she is spending the day with me.