Riding the rollercoaster

[PeterV2]

Dawgy, It's been a year for me too. W has finally moved back home but won't commit to reconciliation. That's fine. She needs time to heal. I'm busy working on my own demons anyway.

I think you're taking the wrong approach here. At any time in your life you are free to choose your thoughts and your feelings. But it takes practice - like working out. You need to thought-stop every time you start thinking negative thoughts about her.

YOU CANNOT CONTROL HER.

You can only control yourself - and even that is a challenge. But I believe you're up to it. You've got this far. That shows stamina and strength of character. Use those attributes of yours to focus your thoughts on the good things: she was nice for a few days.

When she gets bothered and grouchy, don't take it personally. She is the one having those feelings, not you. You need to detach enough so that her moods do not affect yours. When she's grouchy, you should choose to be calm and content. Observe her like a specimen - an experiment in human behaviour. But don't allow her moods or actions to get under your skin.

The more your can be like that, solid, content, PMA, focusing on the good even if it's just a sliver of good some days, what you focus on will grow - that's just the nature of the universe.

Don't worry about her phone. She may have ended her affair but may still be grieving the loss of that friendship. Allow her to grieve it. She needs to go through that process. It will take time.

Read Divorce Remedy again. Michelle does say, "it's only been a year - this is still hot off the press". She also says the path back to rebuilding is a zigzag. With that awareness, get to work on yourself, focusing on only the positive and controlling your feelings - be happy. It may seem counterintuitive, but you;ve been on this forum long enough to know that it's the counterintuitive things that bring results.

So be happy. Let that happiness be the light around you. You'll be surprised what gets attracted to the light.

[dawgy]

Thx again Pete . As usual you are a source of positive feedback and good feelings . You are right . Detachment is still key . I struggle with her ill feelings towards me . Thats the worst . Worse than the affair . To think that shes the one who has committed adultery and thru our family under the bus but is pissed off at me is bothersome . Dawgy

[Tarheel]

Dawgy, when I first started visiting these boards I saw people who had been S for 3 mos, 6 mos, even a year! I thought to myself 'How do those people do it? No way my sitch will last any longer than maybe 3 mos.' Well, here I am almost 2 years after BD #1 and 15 mos into S!! I can't believe I just wrote that...

I think to outsiders it's easy to look at the length of time and question why we're not D already. But as you know, this is one big roller coaster ride and if you still want to save your M, real progress takes time- lots of time.

The fact that you and W are still in the same house has probably made it more difficult for you to detach. I asked my W to leave the house in March, so not having those day to day interactions with her has helped me detach (I'm still not 100% though). If you don't want to be the one to leave the house (I'm not encouraging it), try to find as many activities outside of the house you can. New hobbies, take the boys places, etc. I truly believe my W is slowly regaining respect for me the more she see's me living on my own, enjoying my life and doing things with the kids- 'oh wait, Tarheel doesn't need me to take care of the kids/house/etc? Maybe I want back on this ride!'

[dawgy]

Yes Ive been thinking seriously about telling her to leave . I agree the day to day interactions are uncomfortable . Shes threatened to leave multiple times but hasnt . She says shes stuck because i wont hide the truth and she doesnt want anyone to know the dirty little secret . I cannot hide the truth if she leaves . She said I can but I wont . This is the conundrum . I could tell everyone we just grew apart and we need space from each other and that it is mutual . But its not the truth . So she feels trapped because of me and hence hates me for it . But in reality she is trapped by her own doing > from whats shes created and her fear of owning up to whats shes done .

[u-turn]

Hey Dawgy - I understand how you feel - I have some of the same feelings too. I too never thought that this mess could continue like this for as long as it has. I'll be at a year soon too and don't see an end. I go through definite times that I just want it to end - I don't want to move out, but will if necessary and she refuses. I've never been good at dealing with stalemates and usually push for some sort of conclusion.

Just throwing that out there - I know it's of no help, but I am still here to tell you to hang in there and keep working on yourself.

[PeterV2]

I struggle with her ill feelings towards me . Thats the worst . Worse than the affair .

But these are her ill feelings, not yours. Why are you taking possession of her ill feelings? Choose to have sympathetic feelings towards her, feelings of love. Treat her with love, even when she is spewing. I know it's hard to do at first, but with practice it'll get easier.

Remember her feelings are not yours. Choose your own feelings and thoughts. You are totally free to do that, and by choosing positive feelings and thought you'll be amazed at how you can improve your day.

[dawgy]

Thx guys . I could move out tommorrow with a new woman ,but i refuse to leave my sons . Ive been there for those boys everyday of their lives so far and im not giving in to her . She needs to be the one to go . I only have the boys around for another few years till they are really living their own life so im not pulling out . As far as reconciling with her , ive given up all hope . Shes still not showing remorse and acting like its her right to sleep with whomever she wants

[Sotto]

Is the way to look at this to accept that she will make her decision and you will have to work with that? Presumably she has a right to occupy the house if she wishes, and if she decides to, she will. Are you pushing against and trying to control things that are outside your span of control right now?

So, lets say she decides to stay put and you choose to stop pushing against this - what can you do?

*move out and accept that you will see the boys part time
*stay put and make things as pleasant as possible
*stay put and agree some practical arrangements which make it less of an ordeal for you.

Engage with the reality and decide on your plan. Do the best thing for you and your lads. You may be harming yourself most by bashing your head against a brick wall.

I hope this helps Dawgy....

[PeterV2]

Dawgy. Stop focusing on her. Control your thoughts.

[dawgy]

At this stage of the game I do want her to move out . Ive held things together long enough . Now is my time . She will have to live with the horror of destroying her family while I try to rebuild and make my boys feel like they are in a family again . I need to start looking for someone new . There are many lonely women out there that would like to come into a sitch like mine and step in as a mother and wife as long as it is indeed over between us . And truthfully I stll love her but have come to realize that she doesnt love me so its time to face the music . My heart aches for my sons to have to live with this reality she created . Im gonna hold tight till xmas is over and in the new year I will set them down and tell the story . Sadly I know last minute shes gonna chicken out and ask me not to and likely tell me she wants to start again but its too late . Ive given all I can without losing my soul completely .I ve got to say that the respect that ive lost for her is the most painful part . When i look at her now I feel pity and I worry about what will become of her . And my heart aches for the girl she once was . Dawgy