Married fast? Too late? Completely stuck :/

[Complex]

I found this page and I'm very happy about it. It's been the most helpful one so far!

Here is my heartwarming and heartbreaking story. My (still) wife an me got married a little over 2 years ago. It's a very romantic story. We met on my vacation in the US first but briefly for one night (no sex). Stayed in touch for a few months, lost contact until she came to Europe to travel for 3 months with a friend. We met up (I'm german) fell in love within 30 minutes spent a lot of time together on the rest of her trip. Eventually she had to go back and I stayed but we decided to be a couple at that time and wanted to be together more than anything else. I'm 32, she's 29 now and we were madly in love. It was the easiest thing in the world to be together, like we knew each other for ever. So comfortable.
So I visited short time after she left and she came a couple of times too. We had a long term relationship for almost a year, visiting back and forth and were talking about getting married. Easiest decision in our lives we said. She's the love of my life. So I asked her and she said yes.

Long story short, 18 months in our marriage she dropped the bomb.
She loves me but she's not in love with me anymore. She made a mistake, we got married too fast (big wedding, all family involved). She had the best intentions and our love was real but I'm just not what she imagined for her life. She even said that before we got married, they she didn't think she would marry someone like me, but she did ...and we were happy.
I'm still building my life here, helping to build a business with a partner with great potential, working hard, not making a lot of money right now but it's increasing constantly. I'm very future oriented and want to get somewhere in live. But money is not my motivator, I believe it doesn't decide about happiness. I'm also very family oriented, her whole family was incredibly welcoming to me, they all love me and I love them, she has a big family and I'm a part of it. I'm working hard on myself, to become the best person I can be, every day. I'm a good husband, I cook, I clean, I do everything and try to understand my wife as good as I can, I care a lot. Maybe I haven't been good enough to fulfill her true needs but I'm learning every day. I do have to say I have a hard time to understand her sometimes when we disagree. She gets frustrated over little things too. I can tell she isn't really happy, and obviously she wasn't in a while.

For her, it's just not enough. She told me she wants a better connection and someone who has his life figured out. I dropped college in my home country but I have ambitions and some brain. She suddenly wants someone who is successful in life, not just a good person with a big heart that loves her. Someone with a degree she said. We are not compatible she said.
I didn't even have a chance to build much here, basically started from scratch. I feel like I failed, I'm very depressed and crying a lot. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through. When I married her I was 100% sincere and willing to work on my marriage. I'm not religious but have high morals. I thought this is it. I went all in with all I had left my life for her. I still have my old friends and family tho. They come visit and I visit them. She showed me a responsible life, I showed her love and what's important in life. We taught each other a lot. She said we taught each other what we needed at that time and that's it.
After she dropped the bomb she tried to stay connected to me and tried, she felt very very sorry and still does, she said she will be forever sorry. She prayed for us and wanted to love me but she couldn't anymore. She told me I mean a lot to her and I'm a fantastic person..just not for her.

Her position is very very hardened by now. First she tried, didn't work to get feelings back now she is very stubborn and convinced that we are not meant for each other. She loves me more like a brother she said. I tried to explain her my view and of course that didn't help. I did a lot of mistakes saving our marriage. We have a ton in common, but done things we clash but in my opinion it's nothing I would quit my marriage over. Before she told me we bought a place together in which we still live in together.
I can't afford to move out at all. First I moved into the second bedroom. But somehow we still share a bed again. We even have sex still once in a while, rarely tho. Guess I'm a man after all. I don't know. She never cheated on me and I believe her. She has high morals but apparently she completely stopped honoring our vows. She doesn't wear her ring anymore, tells me we should consciously uncouple. She is willing to help me out until I'm off a little better financially and also my green-card renewal will be due in 3-4 months and she wants to help me with that too. Then she wants to go back to school in fall to get her masters degree (she is a nurse). So at least she is not screwing me over
She actually told me today she values me as a person a lot and I deserve nothing but pure happiness. And that she feels extremely shitty that she took it from me and treating me like this. She wishes she would be the one who could make me happy for the rest of my life, because that's what I deserve but she just can't, that there's no way. And she will be my friend forever even if I don't want to.

Since I made and still make a lot of mistakes in our breakup I started to apply the 37 rules. I try as hard as I can not to break them but still fail sometimes. I didn't buy the book yet.
I'm just on my way back to Germany to see my family over Christmas. I'm horribly depressed that I have to leave my messed up live behind. If the plane would crash I wouldn't even give a damn right now..

Her family doesn't know yet. They will be very shocked and also disappointed by her. Her parents are divorced too, the rest of the fairly big family is very functional and beautiful. My family briefly knows we had some issues but they don't know the whole story and how serious it is.

My mind is sooo foggy. I don't know what to do anymore. I started agreeing with what she says, try to take good care of myself, thinking there is another live out there for me but in the end I love her more than I ever loved anything else in my life and it's wearing on me a lot. Probably should move into the other room when I'm back.
I really need advice. Is this even worth saving? I don't want to have a marriage myself which [censored] and were my needs are not fulfilled either and live a lie (her words). Is a save even realistic at this point? Did we get married too fast? I guess our expectations were too high!? What are her intentions telling me how great of a person I am and that she will always be my friend?! We basically have to stay together and hang in there for a few more months so I will be able to stay here. I love it here. Should I make her sleep in the other room? How should I act when her family gets involved? I'm not looking forward to all the emotional stress that will still occur within the next few months, not even talking about the divorce itself.
I'm completely stuck please help
Thank you so much for your help and your time!

[Complex]

Away from my W now on vacation to see my parents over christmas...And it hurts more than ever. I hope I can find some advice here. Can't tell how much I would appreciate
I'm so dull, my feelings and emotions are gone, I feel like a zombie. This is bad.
Wife is still texting me telling me she's missing my family on top. I don't know what to think or what to do ..

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[Little]

If you want your relationship, it's worth saving. That said, you can only change you, you can't change your partner.

Browse other threads, post often; you'll find help here.

[Complex]

Thank you for your response, I appreciate. It's incredidble how busy this forum is. There's so many good people out there. But also a lot of spouses that lost their love and lost their way. I guess we are humans after all, and love is such a complicated thing but for sure the most rewarding thing on earth and the only way to reach a higher level of personal growth.

I do want this relationship. I want a great future with my wife and I believe we can. Otherwise I wouldn't have married her.
I don't want to change her. Our relationship needs more respect and understanding, it always did. My wife just can't see what I see obviously.
I should probably seek help, because even with all the research I do online and all the stuff that I read I can't fully understand the circumstances. And I'm really afraid that all this wasn't even meant to be. But I'm in it now. And I went in with all I had. That was too much too I guess. Who can live with such pressure anyway?
And I dint even know if I have to change that tremendously. I am who I am and I want to be accepted that way too. I'm a good and very loving person. All I did is I made some mistakes because I'm young. And I have to keep working on myself and I do and I want respect for that from my wife, not criticism.
And in general I need advise for my circumstances which are complicated since we still live together and will have to for a while and no one even knows and we still follow our social obligations and it just hurts so bad.

[Cristy]

Hi,

I am sorry for the situation you are in. You mentioned that you should seek help. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Complex]

I'm still on vacation and won't be able to get any help from here at all. But there are so many questions as I mentioned earlier and my mind is still all over the place. I feel like I'm a better person than ever but I just don't have my feelings under control and I'm seriously depressed and totally stuck of how to handle the whole situation and have no idea what all this means ..

[UpperCu]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. It is an awful feeling to be discarded by someone you love.

What things are you doing for yourself? You really need to focus on your own life and yourself right now. You can't control her actions or feelings.

Also, if she sees someone desperate to have her, that will just push her further away. Remember what you were like and the things you were doing when you and her first fell in love. What things do you different now?

[sandi2]

This week I was told about a couple who were still newlyweds. He comes in from work and gets the bomb. She had found someone else. It is mind blowing and I wonder what in the world these girls are thinking when they M just to experience a big wedding!

How long were you together before you M? You will probably hear some crazy excuses before all is said and done. I have learned you cannot make another person love you, if they don't want to. You cannot talk them into, either. And why should you? As you said, you want your needs met, too. If she doesn't have a change of heart, you will be the one who is always catering to her.......hoping she will throw you a crumb.

What are your ages? A young couple usually has a lot to learn about each other and how to work together to have a good M. And you can have one, if you handle this situation right, and if she does love you.

What are the mistakes you have made? You said you made then b/c you are young.

I suggest you don't drag friends and relatives into this by asking for their help or advice. Of course, parents will need to know but they really need to let the two of you work this out.

What are her intentions telling me how great of a person I am and that she will always be my friend?! W

I can only tell you that usually when a woman tells a man this, it is her way of saying she doesn't want him and would rather just part on friendly terms. One thing you need to learn about a WAW is when she makes these type of comments......it means nothing close to what you want to read into it.

[sandi2]

Have you been remarried to each other, or were you M to someone else?