The Awakening of ME

[123Gwen]

Snuggles are the best. I admire your tenacity and patience with H. It seems like you are trying to keep the long view in mind. That is a good tool. It allows you to enjoy the present and not get bogged down with anxiety. Freedom not only to make your own choices but freedom to let things be sounds very sweet indeed.

What color is the kitty?

[CaliGuy]

Wow mleigh ... How far you have come, I'm so happy for you findig that inner peace where it all begins regardless of the sitch

Congrats on the PMA and that realistic point of view... Looks like you are doing so well ... You have this!

[mleigh4]

Good morning and thank you all for the encouragement. I am in a really good place right now, but I have my ups and downs still. I just hope to learn from them.

I've been thinking about the realization of not being ready for a R right now. Do any of you feel like this? Is this a normal part of the LBS process or am I done with H? I know this is for me to figure out, but I'm curious if any others feel this way or have seen this.

All I know is that I feel great and love this time I have been given to work through my own issues with no pressure for my R and/or M. Gee, sounds a little MLC like? It's funny the similiarities I see both sides go though on this journey.

One thing I feel getting to me, just a tiny bit, and you may think I'm crazy, but it is almost like H just thinks we can just start to move forward, back in place they way we were, with no regards to what has happened in the last year. I have dreamed of this day since BD, and here I am feeling a bit thrown off by it. These aren't his words, it's my own observation, but who is he to one day say he is moving out, then say he decided not to, then just start on like nothing has happened and we are all one big happy family again. Shopping for a tree, talking long term about our home, acting excited about presents he bought me. Who is this?? The same man who said he feels nothing for me, who turned his back on me, our family, our home and M. Who lied and hid things from me. Who continues to hide in his room as needed...

As you can see, I am in no way ready for our R. In talking with my IC, these are things I have not forgotten and really have not quite forgiven. I still feel like he hasn't been truthful with some of his explanations of buying movie tickets, a night at a hotel, women's shoes in my house, hiding under his covers with his phone. Ya, I'm not over it. Until the full truth comes out and we deal with it, it is not going to go away. But I know now is not the time. We are not there yet.

Last night, he came home after going to a Sharks hockey game with his dad. It woke me up, he got home about 3 hours after the game ended and my first thought was he stopped by a friends after. I wasn't worried about it. I heard him in the house, then it got quiet, but I noticed the hall light I leave on for him was still on, so I wondered, was I dreaming? So I got up to turn on the house alarm and there was H sitting in the living room in the dark eating a bowl of cereal. At first it startled me, then my first thought was, oh, he was on the phone but put it away as soon as I walked in. Especially with his nervous laugh, gave him away. So I asked, why the need to put the phone away when I come around sometimes? Why? H said no reason, he was done checking his facebook and he was getting ready to turn on the tv. I just don't buy it. I just don't. You don't hide the phone, unless you are hiding what you are doing, which isn't something right. Am I wrong here? So of course, this starts off a discussion that really wasn't needed as it all does no good when this stuff happens. But I realized, what does it matter? We are so not married right now, I am so disconnected from this man and can't even imagine being intimate with him anymore. I really don't care what he does at this point, but I just wish he would stop with the suspicious behavior. It never fails to set me off. This is my issue to work on, to not let it effect me, but sometimes that logic just goes out the window.

The discussion continued, his acting like the wounded deer who has no idea what I'm talking about or why, and me getting frustrated with being treated like I'm stupid. I finally just said, you can't blame me for these suspicions, based on what has happened this last year, but in all reality, it really doesn't matter at this point. He said something about the fact that he has caught me lying too, about checking his credit cards. So I came back with, why did I do that? Because of feeling like you were lying and sure enough, I was right. And he said, things were different after the blow up. So I asked, and what caused the blow up (BD) and he answered, my checking the phone bill. WRONG ANSWER! I said the blow up was caused by finding out you spent a night texting my so called friend in the middle of the night while I was sleeping. I told him, you haven't changed, you still refuse to look at yourself and your part in all of this. He just looked at me. So, here comes the blurt. I asked, are you still looking for a place? He hesitated, then said Yes. I said good and went to bed.

What came of this conversation? Absolutely nothing. What good did it do? Absolutely nothing. Now we get to wake up this morning feeling ackward after actually having a pretty nice day out shopping yesterday.

My goal right now is to work on my daddy issues, which for sure have effected past relationships and now my M. I was abandoned by my dad, he was never a part of my life. 2 weeks after my mom and dad got married, my dad was drafted to Vietnam. He did 3 tours of duty, my mom got pregnant with me while he was home on leave during this time. Once he finished his service and came home,he was a changed man, their marriage ended and he stayed in the service. All I know is that he moved to Germany and one time was stationed in Hawaii. But he was never a part of my life, I never heard from him. He became an alcoholic and drug user, heroine was his choice. He eventually died when I was 19 of liver failure. This is where my fixing comes in, if only I was a part of his life, our relationship may have saved him? My grandmother says he felt guilty about me and it was part of his reason for drugs and alcohol. I always dreamt as a little girl and teenager, that he would come to me, wanting to be a part of my life. And he totally let me down. He went and died on me without ever making peace with me. I believe this is cause for me not being able to totally open up and give my heart to a man. I believe I set up men in my life for failure and abandonment, and even push them to do this to me, expecting it. I have no problem showing love and affection to my S, to my friends, and to my pets. It is so easy to love them and show it and receive it back. But when it comes to a man in a relationship, I hold back, close off. So, until I get this issue under control, I am in no way ready for a R. And I see myself pushing H away, when he is so obviously showing signs of improvement. I can't let myself trust in that, because in my mind, I don't trust his motives and I don't trust him because he will just let me down again. I just know it.

I'm not sure how to deal with these issues, I will see if there are any self help books out there that touch on this. I always felt like something was missing in my life, which I assumed was my lack of a father figure. Then I met my H and that feeling honestly went away. I figured he was the answer, to that hole in my heart. I think I put way too big of an expectation on him for that. Especially being that he is a very private and low key person. I can't expect him, or anyone else, to fill that void.

So this is my current focus on me. A pretty big challenge to tackle, but I am up for it. It's way past time being that I'm 45 now!

I still feel happier than I have been in years. My M and R don't effect that, I am so over my M and it's problems. So done with it. Last night I realized, I am so done with that marriage and the person I was in it. I so look forward to the changes in me and what will become of it. I love the friendship my H and I have rebuilt, but accept that I don't know if I can feel more for him. And I am not worried about that right now. It's not the time for that. I'm just not ready.

[mleigh4]

I feel myself getting pulled into that pit of anger and resentment towards H and I'm really trying to pull myself out of it. I think he has been great, being really into the holidays and taking care of home, spending a lot of time at home, but I wonder if it is just because of the holidays. He has me so confused talking long term. "Let's get these lights and clips so they will be easier for US to put up EACH YEAR". "Let's buy this cover for the boat while we keep it at the house this summer". "I bought US these smoke detectors with 10 year batteries so WE don't have to worry about changing them so much".

Yes, it's wonderful and I have waited for over a year to hear him utter the words US and WE. Why aren't I happier? I feel the need to address the issues that have happened this last year. I am not the same person anymore, we are not the same people. It's not just going to be swept under the rug. For whatever reason, it is throwing me off balance and off track of my happy place I have been in.

It brings me back to some of Raine's postings, I remember her going through the same and if I remember right, they first built up their friendship, then slowly started back on their relationship and during that time, things started getting talked about and resolved. I am pulling in all the patience I have and really trying to be logical about my feelings because I don't think we are anywhere near stable enough to try to approach any issues and I just don't want to go anywhere near our R right now, I am still working on me. I just am having a hard time getting myself back in to my happy place!

One issue is really keeping me up at night. Every year H's mom has Christmas Eve at her house. In short, she left H's dad for another man, married him, and is now in a very unhappy and dysfuncional marriage with him. Her husband, disliking her so much, treats her kids and me very rudely. She has said, with it being her 3rd marriage, she just doesn't want to deal with another divorce so she is making the best of it. So, with our own marital problems have come some feelings of my own towards her and her choices. With my own situation, I almost feel, disappointment in her, almost an anger with the example she has given as now her son is putting his own family through a rough time. I know, my H's issues are not her fault, but her situation is not a place I want to be around right now. So, I really don't want to go this year. I didn't last year either, and she expressed how sad she was that I wasn't there, but I just don't feel comfortable. On my Christmas Eve, I want to be around love, warmth and happiness. Her home is no where near that. Also, it is mainly her husbands family that goes, my H's family is not very close so his 2 sisters are not normally there, just some neices and their kids. I worry about giving my S a bad example by not going. However the 3 of us will be spending Christmas Day at home together.

I have been invited to attend church services with a coworker and her husband on Christmas Eve and I have decided I will go to that. H and S can go to MIL's and maybe I will meet up with them after. I don't know, we will see on that. I may go treat myself to a really nice dinner instead or go visit some friends. I am just trying to figure out a way to do this without H thinking it is about him, and without hurting MIL's feelings. I am not worried what this may do to our M as we really have no M right now. I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

Any advise?

[job]

The things that your h is talking about now and in the future are very typical of mlcers. In many instances, they don't even realize what they've said about preparing things for the future. I always try to advise posters to listen, acknowledge the comments and then let them go. Don't question them about what they are talking about in the future.

Yes, you have to start out as friends, just as you did when you first met and go from there. It takes time and plenty of patience to do this. Get that patience shovel out and start digging. Just as you would w/new friends, keep your expectations very low and you won't be disappointed.

About the MIL and the holidays. No one wants to hurt the feelings of others, but you have to do what makes you happy. If you are happy being at home w/your h and child, then by all means do so. Your H can visit his mother whenever he likes and take along his son, if he wants to go. Better yet, your MIL could come to visit w/you and the family over the holidays. Notice...I didn't say anything about the her h. You could always invite her to lunch and have nice visit in your home or out at a café.

I would definitely attend the church services w/your coworker and her h on Christmas Eve. You've still got a week and anything can happen during that time. The Christmas season is always full of miracles and sometimes they come when you least expect them.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Enjoy the holiday season and always be true to yourself.

[mleigh4]

Thanks Job my voice of reason. I still wish I could keep you in my pocket to stop me from doing or saying dumb things! Lol

I am already coming out of my funk. I realize when I look back, the funk appears. When I focus on moving forward, it starts to fade away. Also, looking in my mirror and talking to myself, that really helps. It reminds me of who I want to see and who I want to be. That is not a person who keeps hold of anger and resentments. That only hurts myself and I do realize that. I also notice I am able to bounce back quicker after a funk. It's getting easier to return my focus back onto whatever is waiting for me around the corner and something in my gut keeps telling me it's good.

I am looking forward to the church services. I have really no religious foundation and am curious to see how I like it. I would love to meet more people in my community and become involved.

It seems H has also bounced back from our talk Saturday night. Last night I kept my distance for ME. I tend to need that and prefer it when I am feeling funky. It keeps me from doing or saying something I will regret. But today H has already texted a couple of times, not ordinary, and we even shared a laugh.

Onward and upward I go!

[mleigh4]

And Job you are right about him seeming not to know what he is saying sometimes. He asked " what lights did we use on the house last year?" And " what lights were on the tree last year?" I didn't even live here last year. There were no lights on the house and he did the tree himself. At one point I did say " I didn't live here last year". He didn't say anything and I let it go

Gotta love that fog!!

[123Gwen]

I think your Christmas plans sound marvelous. If anyone asks you could just politely say you thought it might be nice to change course a little this year. You don't have to say anymore. You don't owe anyone a explanation but if MIL seems hurt you can acknowledge her feelings but you don't have to apologize. After all she has dealt with big changes in her own life.

[mleigh4]

123Gwen - thank you. I planned on just saying something like, I'm ready for some changes, would like to do something different, but I like your wording much better! I will also invite her over on Christmas, like I do every year.

Another twist in this is that I was talking to my S about my plans and he wants to come with me to church! I really hope my H and MIL will take this like adults and realize things have changed - and that is ok!

I have a quick update about myself. A few incidents came up recently, and I was really able to see my growth in how I handled them. First, the other night when I came home from work, as I was getting out of my truck in the garage, I set my foot down on the floor and it flew forward like I was on ice and I crashed down on my back. Not fun when you are 45 and not such a spring chicken anymore! I am ok, but it startled me! Anyway, when H got home, I told him I ate chit when I got home. He asked what happened, and when I explained, H said "oh - I hope it wasn't because I sprayed my jacket with water repellent and it got on the floor". Ok - back in the day, I would have gotten really irritated with that and told him he should have done that in the back yard or something! But instead I just said oh, could be. H asked me if I was ok and I told him I think so.

Fast forward to the next morning. My kitten knocked over the hamster cage and hamster cage mess was everywhere. Don't worry, thank goodness it happened while we were home, but we were already scrambling to get ready for work and S school. So, H and I came together and cleaned up the mess together, like a total team! Then H helped S get ready for school while I finished making our lunches. Again total teamwork. So S and I were getting ready to leave and went to say bye to H, who was in the back yard getting our dog ready for the day, and he had the sliding glass door wide open. Normally this is ok, but we have a kitten who can not go outside and she darts when that door is open. So I kind of panicked and asked H, did you see Mittens come out here? Again, normally I would have blew because I have told H so many times to not leave the door open that I can't count. But I stayed calm. H got a really guilty and "crap!" look on his face and said no. I could tell he felt bad - he just doesn't think. So S and I started searching the house, but we were already running late for school with the whole hamster ordeal. So H came in and told us to go, that he would look for kitten. I said Promise? You won't leave until you find her? He said promise. So S and I sprinted and actually made it on time to his class with no tardy! I got back in my truck to head to work and H had texted "She's here". I texted back " lol! And we made it on time to class! Happy Wednesday!". I really handled both of those situations differently than the old me. H and I came together and dealt with things together, like it should be, and were able to laugh about it. It makes me feel so much better about myself and yes, really proud when I look in the mirror. I like this girl!

Like Job told me - don't sweat the small stuff!

[mleigh4]

1st day of Winter today! Have I mentioned I love this time of year??? I just love it.

S and I are helping out my old neighbor from when we lived in our apartment to feed her cats while she is away. When we were walking in I told S that I couldn't believe we were living there this time last year. That it seemed years ago to me. My son said not to him! Lol.

So last night S and I had our plans for dinner and a walk around Christmas in the park with some good friends of ours. While we were getting ready to go, I asked H if he would like to come or if he was going to pass this time. He didn't answer, I could tell he was thinking. So I went about my business to get ready. After a few minutes H came to me and asked "what time are we leaving?" Wasn't expecting that! We went and had a really good time. These are friends he has mentioned that he is worried what they think of him. They were so excited to see him. He really seems to have no idea how much we all love him. And S loved that he came. H was so into the excitement with S. At one point I asked my friend to take a pic of me and S in front of the giant Xmas tree. H came over and got in the pic with us. I have some nice memories from last night

H's sister called yesterday and asked if her and her husband could come over on Christmas Day to visit with us. It has turned into Christmas dinner with H's dad included. I am really looking forward to it.

I told H about my going to church on Christmas Eve. He asked if I was going to his moms and I let him know that I would like to do something different. He seems fine with that, said he would take S over for a bit. My friends have invited me for Xmas eve dinner so my plans are set and it all sounds perfect for me. This holiday season I am in such a different place than last year

I feel free, happy, independent... Ready for a nice week. Not ready to think about New Years. Will tackle that one next!