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okjpc Offline OP
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Thank you, Pink. There is a lot in what you wrote that I needed to hear. I do keep replaying the things I said and did to my W that I regret and wish I could take back. And she blamed me entirely for all the problems in the R when she left. But yes, she certainly made mistakes. And the way she left, w/o discussion, leaving behind my children (who called her "mom") w/o explanation, separating them from her children and her children from me. It was brutal and has me questioning her character and my judgment.

I'm going to ask my DB coach on Thursday about the stepchildren and how/if to reach out. I daydream a little each day about what I want to say to my SS.

But I'll give a quick GAL update. I'm having plumbing problems at the house (broken hot water line under the foundation - plumber coming Tuesday to fix - so haven't been able to do laundry or shower at home for 1.5 weeks. Kids and I took all the laundry to a laundromat yesterday afternoon and the kids helped sort, stuff laundry in the machines, etc. Then we walked around while the clothes were washing. Went to a thrift store and got a great jean jacket for my D. Did grocery shopping too. Then went home, ate dinner, watched a Christmas special on Netflix then tucked them in. I stayed up for a few hours folding laundry, eating cereal and mac&cheese (good single dad staples) and watching Sons of Anarchy. Finally a night w/o reading DB-type books and journaling. Felt darn good.

This morning went to church then took kids to buy some presents for some families in the community who are down on their luck and that the church is supporting. The kids really got into it and we talked a lot about gratitude. Then they had to be back at church to rehearse for the xmas play. Instead of going home during that time, I started talking with one of the other parents. We sat and talked for two hours and she opened up that she has actually gone through 3 divorces! She felt ashamed and stigmatized for a few years, but is past it. She said she appreciated me opening up and will be glad to know that there's another person at church who has gone through some stuff and knows the pain of S and D.

I then decided to call a few AA friends and ask if they would come to my house some evening this week and hold a meeting in my living room. I don't get an evening w/o kids very often and have only gotten out for meetings once in the past month! And i live on a small farm out in the country. But a handful of friends said they will come over tomorrow night (after kids are in bed) and bring a meeting to me. I'm really glad i thought to ask and am grateful to have friends who will do that for me.

Then, when i was tucking the kids in bed, they opened up to me a bit. S asked, "Dad, how many divorces are we going to have to go through?" And D piped in, "Yeah Dad, how many times are you going to get married?" I explained that i hope i don't get a D this time, that i am working to save this M. They opened up about missing the SS/SD, being sad about moving from this house, scared to start at a new school in January, etc. The whole talk felt very open, warm and intimate. They have been struggling with the S too, but don't talk about their feelings much. I also got a chance to apologize for being impatient with them this weekend, for letting my stress about the S come out around them.

At any rate, tough weekend emotionally, but some definite bright spots.


Me: 39 W: 46
D: 7.5 S: 5
SD: 16 SS: 12
T: 2 (06/2012)
M: 2 (12/2012)
Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 116
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okjpc Offline OP
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Man, buying an anniversary card for the WAW is tough (anniversary is Sunday). I ended up getting a couple of blank cards and I'm going to as my IC and some trusted advisers which one i should choose and what I should/not include in the message.

Anyone have any advice?


Me: 39 W: 46
D: 7.5 S: 5
SD: 16 SS: 12
T: 2 (06/2012)
M: 2 (12/2012)
Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
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I bought a Christmas card for W last year when our sitch was newer. I never gave it to her. Consider that as an option.


me: 47, W:49
M 16.5 years
T 17 years
Three kids - D17,D14, S13
Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13
Bomb drop 11/29/13
W moved out 12/5/13
I Retained L 2/20/14
D filed 3/17/14
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When kids are involved in the middle of a S, it is very painful. But, I would just advise you to keep talking to them, not really about the S or D as per say, but about their lives, what they are doing, what they look for on their future. If you see some signs of depression, anxiety or even too much sadness, maybe you may consider some counseling for them right away.

If things are rolling well, then maybe you can decide your work, housing, new school situation and then get them evaluated and set them up for a few sessions with a experience counselor for teens.

It's a difficult age because things are changing constantly in their lanes and the hormones are all over the place. So, keep and eye on them and be their best friend/dad you can be.

And talking about Church, I just got baptized yesterday. I have been a catholic my whole life, but lately I feel I want more from the church and I have been feeling a little distant from mine, there are a lot of politics around.

So, yesterday, on my 18th anniversary, I was reborn in Christ. I felt very good and I am feeling very good. I asked God to help me to let go and start a new life w/my kids.

I am very tired of the whole drama and I think it is time to think about my life, what I want to do next.

H decide to go out w/kids on Saturday (he normally does it on sunday. When he dropped the kids off he came into the house, when he was leaving I asked if I could say something to him, then we both walked outside. I told him it was worthy it the 18 years we spent together and he said he appreciate that I said that to him.

H did not say more, he choked on his own words and had tears in his eyes. He gave me a very long and strong hug, I hugged him back and got lose at some point. Good night and left.

It has been a crazy ride. Be happy and hang in there.

Hugs,
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



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okjpc Offline OP
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Thank you, Pink. I just had some friends over for an informal AA meeting in my home. The main thing we touched on is the power of sharing our experience, strength and hope with each other. It's so wonderful to have everyone on this forum sharing theirs so freely.

Luckily, I do have a very good IC for my children. Actually took them today and I think it helped.

I'm so glad you are finding a new and good connection to church. Faith has been so important to me these past 2-3 months. And the DB work has been very important as well. Doing the DB program is helping me feel like I'm at least doing everything I can do for the M. Then I can give it all to God. Sort of like if it's God's will that my W and I can come together and save the M, then I'm all in. If it isn't God's will, then I can rest more easily b/c I am not sabotaging anything and I remain willing to do God's will. It's a comfort I feel at least on occasion throughout the day.

Thanks again for sharing your sitch. Sounds like an interesting turn this weekend. And thanks for the support.


Me: 39 W: 46
D: 7.5 S: 5
SD: 16 SS: 12
T: 2 (06/2012)
M: 2 (12/2012)
Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 116
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okjpc Offline OP
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And re: the anniversary card - my DB coach thought it was a good idea and my IC thought I should send one b/c if I do, she may not respond in any way, but if I don't, my W may get p*ssed. Best to keep it brief and simple. I have an appointment w/IC tomorrow, so I'm going to show her the cards I bought, have her help me pick one and craft a message.

But I may still decide to chuck it. I'll see how I'm thinking and feeling about it later this week. Heck, I'm interested to see how i feel about everything when i wake up tomorrow.


Me: 39 W: 46
D: 7.5 S: 5
SD: 16 SS: 12
T: 2 (06/2012)
M: 2 (12/2012)
Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 116
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okjpc Offline OP
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Had good IC session today. Talked about the changes I've been making and that my IC has been seeing. An interesting thing came up. After my SS and I had our blowup in early August, he stayed with his father for two weeks. During that time he brought the SS to an IC session with same IC. Since the XH isn't a client and not subject to confidentiality, my IC told me today that he praised me. Said I was a good guy, had been a good SF, was a good influence on the kids, that he knew my W was upset about the argument and he hoped we would keep the M intact b/c he felt like his kids were better off having me in their lives.

I'm really glad my IC told me this. And I'm glad she sat on this info until today.

Also, we picked the proper anniversary card and message to write inside. The card i bought is blank inside and has a woman photographed from the back dancing on a beach in a skirt, tank top and sunhat. She looks a lot like my W and her body language fits too. My IC thought so too. Inside I'm planning to write, "Thinking of you on our anniversary. This card reminded me of you. Hope you're happy. -my name"


Me: 39 W: 46
D: 7.5 S: 5
SD: 16 SS: 12
T: 2 (06/2012)
M: 2 (12/2012)
Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
Joined: Sep 2014
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I would lose the happy part. It is going to sound either:

A. vindictive

or

B. a big fat lie.

Of course you do not want her to be happy sans you...

Anyways, just my 2 cents...

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okjpc Offline OP
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Vapo,
Good point! I didn't think about that, but "happy" could sound snarky. Thanks, man.


Me: 39 W: 46
D: 7.5 S: 5
SD: 16 SS: 12
T: 2 (06/2012)
M: 2 (12/2012)
Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
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My anniversary was on 12/14, sunday. H picked up the kids on saturday for a movie and dinner. I knew he chose saturday so he wouldn't need to be around on sunday.

When he dropped off the kids I asked if I could say something to him. I told him it was "worthy it". He tried to pretend he did not understand why I was saying that. Then I sad that 18 years beside him was very worthy it, he said it was important to hear that from me.

Then he couldn't say no more, he chocked and had tears in his eyes. He gave a long and strong hug.

On sunday, he forward some Geek Squad email to me, but no word about the marriage.

And I do understand your point of being simple but leaving a mark. For me, it was not only the fact that he didn't send me a card or flowers, but my H could at least say "Thank You" for putting up with so much ups and downs in our lives. This is a man I helped a lot. I did a lot of hard work raising our kids while he was growing professionally and now he can't even say thank you.

I know I am no suppose to expect anything from him right now, but I am starting to think that his selfishness is still a big problem.

So, good for you. If you weight the good and bad and in your heart you know it is the right thing to do, then do it because at least you have peace with yourself.

She may not answer in any way, but deep inside she will know you have respect for her.

Hope things get better for you. Glad your kids are seeing the IC and it is helping them. It should be difficult for them that suddenly their family is divided and they lost contact with the kids they were sharing a life.

This kind of loss can leave deep wounds that later in life will come to distort your values. Hope they can cope well with all this mess now and don't have a bitter side later on.

You are doing good. It's hard to go through so much and still be there a main support for kids. You need to be in constant mode of giving and it's very stressful at times.

Thanks for the positive comments about faith. Yesterday my IC asked me to find a safe place that I can go every time I feel anxious or depressed. I tried the beach, since I like it a lot and always found peace on it, but it did not work then. The only thing that work was to put my hands together on my chest and be with my faith, with God.

So, my IC and I agreed that this will be my safe place. And I feel glad it is this way.

Life will be better tomorrow.
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



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