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A Message from Michele
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Re: Jim0987 #7 - rebuilding but can't tell what it is [Re: gan] #2517724
12/16/14 02:01 PM
12/16/14 02:01 PM
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Vanilla Offline
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9[u][/u]Jim

This is a tough one on the divorce. I have the same sitch 15 month marriage, have you seen an L yet to discuss this.

Here are my thoughts on it
1. Have you evidence of OM1 and OM2 and ONS. If you can, get this. Use the camera on your phone.
2. I am not suggesting you use evidence as a revealing tool, but if W wants fault divorce then you have contradictory evidence
3. This is only useful as long as A is not exposed
4. At the appropriate time W needs to know you have evidence and that you will not hesitate to use it to protect yourself and your children. This could be in contesting in which you would not hesitate to name OM1 and OM2 but you don't need to tell her that.
5. Suggest she wait two years as you don't want your reputation damaged and you are sure she would not want hers to be damaged. Then if she wants you will not impede filing at two years.

I have enough stuff on H including a couple of recordings of his ranting and drunken behaviour to horrify even the most liberal minded and sympathetic. I will not use it or mention it unless I absolutely have to. It is my defending shield not my attacking sword.

Her behaviour in withdrawing and disappearing is designed to make you apprehensive. Don't let it Jim.

Detach, still not enough detaching.

Vanilla

Last edited by Vanilla; 12/16/14 02:04 PM.

Everyone who wills can hear their inner voice. It is within everyone. Gandhi
V 64, WAW


Re: Jim0987 #7 - rebuilding but can't tell what it is [Re: Vanilla] #2517729
12/16/14 02:12 PM
12/16/14 02:12 PM
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Clarification

I am not suggesting stalking or peeping Tom stuff!

Vanilla


Everyone who wills can hear their inner voice. It is within everyone. Gandhi
V 64, WAW


Re: Jim0987 #7 - rebuilding but can't tell what it is [Re: Vanilla] #2517822
12/16/14 06:23 PM
12/16/14 06:23 PM
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jim0987 Offline OP
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Does anyone have any suggestions for some good at home GAL activities I can do on the nights I look after the kids. I'm in on my own (either wife is out with OM or hiding in her room) and frankly I'm bored.

Im thinking something not screen based.

Preferably something that is interesting to do and talk about to other people. I'm a bit stumped because I've never lived on my own before.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Re: Jim0987 #7 - rebuilding but can't tell what it is [Re: jim0987] #2517831
12/16/14 06:42 PM
12/16/14 06:42 PM
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Posts: 8,704
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Vanilla Offline
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I am

ripping all my CDs and albums to a hard drive.
Sorting, tidying, cleaning
ironing and repairing
Cooking and researching recipes
Exercise with a powerball
Repairing stray furniture and applying shabby chic look
Mending and decorating clothes
Doing my accounts
Writing poetry and journal
Making wine and ginger beer for Xmas
Replacing light bulbs on Xmas tree
Doing my research for GAanon
Meditating and bathing and grooming
Reading personal development books
Inviting friends over for pasta and/or film/game
Doing my Fitbit account and calories
Providing mentoring on the phone
Watching self improvement videos and TED talks
Learning Portuguese
Snoozing
Taking a course in mind management
Working on a client, but research
Doing puzzles
Listening to music especially radio
I need to set up my stereo
Walking on my treadmill and cross trainer
Being here on DB
Getting stuff ready for ebay/gumtree

Starter for 10
Vanilla

Last edited by Vanilla; 12/16/14 06:44 PM.

Everyone who wills can hear their inner voice. It is within everyone. Gandhi
V 64, WAW


Re: Jim0987 #7 - rebuilding but can't tell what it is [Re: jim0987] #2517834
12/16/14 06:48 PM
12/16/14 06:48 PM
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I've said it before, but the 7-minute workout (Google it) is one of my best GAL activity. All you need is a chair, a wall and a mat/carpet.

Exercising is good for your spirits. It puts you in a good mood thanks to the endorphins. Also, everyone admires people who have the discipline to work out. It's attractive. The impact is also visible on my body. I was surprised to feel it on me just 2-3 weeks after I started. I have a real six-pack, my chest shaped up and my arms are slightly bigger. Everything physical is easier now, like gravity is down by 10%. It would help your squash and kickboxing. Finally, it's only 7 minutes (10 minutes in and out), so it's easy to do it every day.

I almost forgot the best: D3 and D6 LOVE doing it with me! In fact, they ask me to do it, are disappointed if we don't have the time and they talk about it to people, including W. We have a good laugh and it's just so funny to see them try to do it.

Can you think of a better at-home GAL activity?


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Re: Jim0987 #7 - rebuilding but can't tell what it is [Re: Mozza] #2517852
12/16/14 07:51 PM
12/16/14 07:51 PM
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jim0987 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Mozza

Perhaps you could think of the full cycle that your W needs to go through? Would it help you?


I thought i'd answer this on my own thread.

so the process my W would need to go through in my mind is
- OM would have to screw up and/or end the relationship
- Wife would have to have healed from some emotional wounds that i have inflicted, real and the ones she has subsequently convinced herself of.
- Wife would have to see my changes and believe in them
- Wife would have to realise that she could be happy with me and that a full reconcilliation is possible
- Wife has to believe that i wouldnt be punitive and controlling in accepting her back
- Wife has to be prepared to own her part of this, face her guilt, overcome her stubborness and seek reconcilliation

When i read the MLC forum its these last 3 that seem to be the most difficuly of them all and i think for any of those 3 to take place I think she would have to reach a place of absolute despair where she feels she has no other choice and she is just too independently minded for that.

either that or she has to miraculously discover the same belief in marriage that I have. That we made a commitment and that until we have jointly tried everything we should try to make it work (For us and our kids)

In terms of the arc, as i said my wife would have to hit absolute rock bottom before even thinking about coming back and i think for her BD and the way the arguement unfolded over 3 days may well have been as close as she will ever get. As she picks herself up from rock bottom she is rebuilding herself without me, rather than turning toward me.

I think the big problem I have with the timeline is the associations I make from my experience.
- My Dad divorced my Mum but he and his affair partner have now been together for 27 years. (married for 15)
- My wifes parents relationship started as an affair (both married to other people) and they were together 34 years (until he died)
- I was a WAFiance' to my ex. and that was for my W. and as you know from my situation we've been together 6 years got married and had two amazing kids. (my ex is now happily married to someone who by all accounts is a really great guy)

its the last of these that gives me the most difficulty for a bunch of reasons.

The only affair example I can think of that hasnt been relatively long term is my SIL. She left her husband but then her AP didnt leave his wife. She didnt reconcile with her husband and is now remarried.

even W's PF has been in an affair for well over a year but they are both still with their spouses (well they were a couple of months ago - its all a bit sketchy).

I keep thinking that my best bet is to somehow bust the affair (I actually think a nicely worded, unthreatening and polite letter to OM would do it) but the advice here is that I should just ignore the affair and get on with my own life.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Re: Jim0987 #7 - rebuilding but can't tell what it is [Re: jim0987] #2517856
12/16/14 08:15 PM
12/16/14 08:15 PM
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Mozza Offline
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I see better where your pessimism comes from. First, your W is very mean to you and piles up the reasons why you shouldn't be together. It's hard to imagine her warming up even though that's how it worked for most of the successful sitches. Second, you see successful affairs around you. It's a reality, acknowledged around here, that there are no guarantees.

Still, I see duplicate 'steps' in your arc. Believing your changes and that you won't be punitive are the same thing. Also, OM doesn't have to "screw up", just not to live up to the high expectations your W puts in him. You seem to seek ways to paint a bleak picture.

I wonder why you make the case like this; if it's to be convinced otherwise. I know I do it with my parents for instance and my mom picks me up, explaining why everything will be good in the end.

I'll tell you what I tell others: you don't have to decide today. The human brain is very uncomfortable with uncertainty to the point of being illogical ("I'd rather be told I have cancer now than wait another week for a diagnosis!"). If you manage to accept it, it will make you stronger. I have optimistic and pessimistic moments too. I keep my options open. In fact, I see that more than my WAW, it's me who's evolving fast.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Re: Jim0987 #7 - rebuilding but can't tell what it is [Re: Mozza] #2518025
12/17/14 07:23 AM
12/17/14 07:23 AM
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jim0987 Offline OP
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OK so the more I think about it the more I want to bust the affair. I think this can done relatively easily by contacting OM.

I suppose I'm looking for the explanation of why I shouldn't


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Re: Jim0987 #7 - rebuilding but can't tell what it is [Re: jim0987] #2518044
12/17/14 10:43 AM
12/17/14 10:43 AM
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gan Offline
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I'm not (knowingly) dealing with an A so I can't provide any wisdom. From what I can gather - based on reading DR and these forums - busting the A is not the MWD way. She outlines reasons for why this is so in the chapter on affairs. If you want support for busting the A there are alternative sites that advocate this approach. Not suggesting you should look elsewhere, just trying to explain why people might not be swooping in with ideas. But you probably knew all this already...


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Re: Jim0987 #7 - rebuilding but can't tell what it is [Re: jim0987] #2518046
12/17/14 11:22 AM
12/17/14 11:22 AM
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JCred Offline
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This is Michelle's message on her views on exposure.
I don't see anything in the message about confronting the OM.
She is talking about friends and family.


Quote:
Virginia

Member

Registered: 08/13/99
Posts: 698
Loc: Divorce Busting Center USA A message from Michele Weiner-Davis

Hi Divorce Busters,

It has come to my attention that some people on this message board are strongly suggesting advice that runs counter to my Divorce Busting philosophy and practice- the notion of exposing a spouse's affair to family members. While this plan may be helpful to one couple, it would completely backfire in other marriages. I have worked with many couples where the betrayed spouse revealed all the information to friends and family with extremely detrimental outcomes. First, when the unfaithful spouse discovered this had happened, he or she decided to file for divorce and it became a final decision. Secondly, there are those situations where the couple began to heal from the infidelity and get their marriage back on track, but the family members undermined the couples' efforts and even "disowned" the betrayed spouse. This made life-long commitments after infidelity a very challenging outcome because few people like giving up their family and friends. So, while I do believe that betrayed spouses need support from loved ones when dealing with such a distressing situation, it is ESSENTIAL that the information about the affair be shared CAREFULLY and with full recognition about the possible risks. I always recommend that, if information is shared, the person with whom it is shared is marriage-friendly, even in the face of infidelity. Nonetheless, it's still important to recognize potential risks.

Additionally, several people have contacted my office feeling that they had been personally attacked for not following this sort of advice. This community was started many years ago and we rarely get such complaints. Confronting others by calling names or pressuring them will not be tolerated. These tactics are not reflective of the Divorce Busting spirit.

Have a great day,

Michele



Justin Credible
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