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A Message from Michele
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Re: Ganb8te 3 - conquering crow pose [Re: jim0987] #2517495
12/15/14 07:27 PM
12/15/14 07:27 PM
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gan Offline OP
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Thanks, Jim. This is the first time since BD where a big part of me doesn't want to see him. Some of that relates to the above (what's the point), but also it's because our meet ups tend not to be fun because he's negative and down about things. The way I'm feeling I'm not sure that I can compensate. I worry that these exchanges reinforce his belief about our R and do more harm than good.

I think I'll respond with "Glad to hear it. I'll get back to you about drinks" just to buy me some time to work through my feelings on this. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

(Good the siege is over)


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Re: Ganb8te 3 - conquering crow pose [Re: gan] #2517547
12/15/14 09:48 PM
12/15/14 09:48 PM
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Posts: 2,114
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Ggrass Offline
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Maybe you can decline, it makes you Not available if you had some thing else on. Other plans, it's Christmas.

My thought is if they could initiate for a new person why not for you?
By always taking that role you let him off the hook.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Re: Ganb8te 3 - conquering crow pose [Re: jim0987] #2517550
12/15/14 09:55 PM
12/15/14 09:55 PM
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vossy Offline
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Ganb8te, I was trying to get on here all afternoon yesterday to see if you (and your H) were okay, given yesterday's events. I finally managed to post something late last night but it's not here for some reason.

Anyway, glad you're both safe. I think go get a drink and make it as positive an experience as possible. Give him something to miss while he's gone, don't discuss the R at all, not even if he brings it up, and mention a few awesome things you'll be doing while he's gone.


M: 31 H: 36
T: 10.5 (not married)
BD: 10/13
Re: Ganb8te 3 - conquering crow pose [Re: vossy] #2517555
12/15/14 10:09 PM
12/15/14 10:09 PM
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jim0987 Offline
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Its just a thought, but if the previous times youve met for a drink he has been down then i would say do something else.

Get Ice cream and walk around the harbour instead maybe?

something side by side and slightly active without anything between you is generally quite good for making people more comfortable. Theres some information around on body language which gives some guidance on settings that make people feel more open.

like i said its just a thought.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Re: Ganb8te 3 - conquering crow pose [Re: jim0987] #2517583
12/15/14 11:32 PM
12/15/14 11:32 PM
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gan Offline OP
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Ggrass - not accepting is always an option. I know OW is a possibility but I have no real evidence of that. The evidence I have is that he's negative and depressed. Possibly for a lot of our relationship (in hindsight). Hard to imagine others would be attracted to that. I guess I was once though so...

Vossy - yes we are both fine thankfully. I hope you weren't affected? Strange day in Sydney today. Brings back memories of siting in front of the TV waiting for more info on 9/11 (in Boston, with H) and again for Boston marathon bombings (in Sydney, with H).

Jim - good idea re combining with an activity. Sorry to say that going for a drink/dinner is our status quo so even a walk for ice cream could seem like a stretch or ploy. But I guess that's the point. Have to get us to a point where different seems possible.

Just not feeling strong today, for a variety of reasons.


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Re: Ganb8te 3 - conquering crow pose [Re: gan] #2517585
12/15/14 11:41 PM
12/15/14 11:41 PM
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vossy Offline
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Luckily I live in a very "masculine" beachside suburb, if you know what I mean, and I work from home, so I was well away. But I do know how you feel today. I am emotionally beaten down, due to a variety of things (I won't hijack your thread about them!) I've left it quite late and I'm going away for Xmas next week, but if you feel like meeting up for a drink this week, perhaps we could meet halfway between you and me.. do you work in the city? Maybe CQ would work? Understand if you can't though, this time of year is already so difficult, coupled with yesterday's events and DB and everything else, so we can also meet in the new year too.


M: 31 H: 36
T: 10.5 (not married)
BD: 10/13
Re: Ganb8te 3 - conquering crow pose [Re: vossy] #2517701
12/16/14 12:18 PM
12/16/14 12:18 PM
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gan Offline OP
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Ha ha Vossy. I like masculine beaches! I'm back waiting for H to reply to my text about times to meet. Probably best if we put off meeting til the new year as I am also away for Xmas next week.

(Still on my eternal quest to figure out what works - just documenting things here for future reference)

Is it possible that H is mirroring me?
1. I text him asking if he is ok vis a vis siege
2. He doesn't read if for a while but replies 1.5hrs later & invites me for a drink
3. I read the text but don't reply til 18hrs later suggesting possible times to meet up (I was genuinely mulling things over)
4. He reads it within 10 minutes but hasn't replied 8 hrs later


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Re: Ganb8te 3 - conquering crow pose [Re: gan] #2517704
12/16/14 12:37 PM
12/16/14 12:37 PM
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Ggrass Offline
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Could be, who knows that would be mind reading.

You really need him to be motivated to do the work. He needs to think there's a dead line that you might fine another option.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Re: Ganb8te 3 - conquering crow pose [Re: Ggrass] #2517721
12/16/14 01:58 PM
12/16/14 01:58 PM
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jim0987 Offline
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Its definitely mind reading

I think GGrass is right. But one way to test the middle ground would be to be limited in your availability and make him fit into your schedule.

You could say

'My plans have changed a bit, but if you still want to meet before you go then im going xxxx at xxxxxx on xxxxx, but am free afterwards if you want to get an ice cream'

I'm not great at this stuff but you get the idea. The concern is if it seems pursuing. If he's mirroring then he will respond with either a yes or a no but....

If he doesn't respond or its a flat no then he's not mirroring

Just a thought so hopefully others will weigh in, definitely listen to the vets on this stuff


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Re: Ganb8te 3 - conquering crow pose [Re: jim0987] #2518038
12/17/14 09:32 AM
12/17/14 09:32 AM
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gan Offline OP
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Mind reading? Or just watching and monitoring? He replied ~18 hrs later (i.e. next morning) suggesting the time. We had a bit of back and forth today. Based on that exchange, it does seem like he is more responsive if I respond sooner rather than later. Just something to keep in mind…it may or may not mean anything. I get that.

So Monday night it is. No specific plan yet but I have a few days to come up with ideas. Although it would be nice to propose something fun and different, he suggested a drink so I don't want to come in over that and seem antagonistic. That can be a bit of a trigger for him I think.

Whatever. If it all boils down to picking the perfect thing to say or do then this is not a R that I want. Card's thread is so inspiring at the moment - he's speaking honestly about their issues and his contribution to it in a remorseful and compassionate way. I wish I could do that!

I am going to go pen that letter (not sure if I will give it to H). But first some dinner: melon and prosciutto, accompanied by a glass of guava juice and champagne. Because it's Wednesday.


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
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