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A Message from Michele
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Re: still holding on - 5 [Re: T-Mom] #2517534
12/15/14 09:29 PM
12/15/14 09:29 PM
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T-Mom Offline
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.... and.... it DOES feel so good to talk about this with people you trust.. sometimes I can see things more clearly after saying them out loud, or writing them... in addition, meeting with my IC is really an excellent grounding session for ME.... regardless of all else going on.... at some point, you will have to trust again, and you will have to work through your issues to do that.


Serenity NOW, Serenity NOW!!! LOL...

Me: 47
H: 41
S: 14
M: 19 years
T: 20 years
Re: still holding on - 5 [Re: Little] #2517537
12/15/14 09:32 PM
12/15/14 09:32 PM
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That's what I used to think, and I have to think that if the roles were reversed, I would be doing whatever it takes to fix things. She's just not there.

I hear on these boards that the wayward spouse holds on to the H in case the A doesn't work out and to keep the family together. I feel like she is holding on the the OM in case I cannot forgive her (and to keep the family together). (though I have no proof of this any more). If this is the case, I do not know how to get it through to her that I can move forward and forgive - without pursuing and talking too much. Would it be too much of a step back to get into conversations like that again? probably


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
Re: still holding on - 5 [Re: T-Mom] #2517699
12/16/14 12:03 PM
12/16/14 12:03 PM
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Originally Posted By: T-Mom
Get advice from vets before proceeding, but I think that a direct question might be ok now.... "The only way we could ever get through this would be if we are both putting a high priority on our M, and are together in this without either of us looking for something else. I am able to do that. Have you ended your r with OM?"


I would like to get to this point, but I think it may be too much pressure - I don't know. I was big on this type of conversation pre-DB, but it got me nowhere. I don't know if she would answer honestly anyway.

I sure would like to open a conversation like this. I am a "put all the cards on the table" type person. See what we have and what we can do.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
Re: still holding on - 5 [Re: u-turn] #2517837
12/16/14 06:58 PM
12/16/14 06:58 PM
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I guess it is best to proceed with caution. You are probably right that you can't put all your cards on the table. I wouldn't know because that's who I am.


Serenity NOW, Serenity NOW!!! LOL...

Me: 47
H: 41
S: 14
M: 19 years
T: 20 years
Re: still holding on - 5 [Re: T-Mom] #2518394
12/18/14 11:57 AM
12/18/14 11:57 AM
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I have a "small potatoes" question.
W mentioned that she was reading relationship and surviving after affair articles on a website. She didn't ask me to read these, but I went to the site and found some articles that were indeed enlightening.

Do you think this is a good idea?
I would like to tell here that I have read some articles on that site (she definitely likes things when they are her idea). I would also like to direct her to one that I find very valuable and not different that what is spoken about here on this forum and in DR, and really just common sense. (four ingredients to affair healing: committed partner, elimination of harmful behavior (contact w/ OM), information (transparency), and time (patients).

I really would like her to read this, since she is trusting this site and told me about it. I don't know if she's read this article. It was a pretty concise description of what I am feeling and how I think I can move past this - if she is on board.

Is it a good idea to send her a note:

W-I've been reading some articles from ...... Many of these are really good and describe what I am feeling. Thanks for letting me know that you are thinking of this.

I especially found this one ...... valuable.
What are your thoughts? What articles did you find here?
u-turn


Just wondering this - since she has brought it up to me. Her take on articles from this site was that some tell her that we will make it through this, and some make her feel hopeless that I will get over it.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
Re: still holding on - 5 [Re: u-turn] #2518412
12/18/14 01:04 PM
12/18/14 01:04 PM
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W is angry with S20 because he lies to her. He even tells her lies when there is no story needed and when no questions are asked. She doesn't trust anything he says and is angry enough that she doesn't really know if she wants him to come home for christmas break.

Snarky comment in head and here instead of out loud.

Really W - are you sure you are not talking about yourself?
Doesn't she see it?

yeeeesh


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
Re: still holding on - 5 [Re: u-turn] #2518427
12/18/14 01:47 PM
12/18/14 01:47 PM
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U turn, I would acknowledge that she read the articles and show interest in learning more about it with her if SHE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT. I would not IMO send her anything to read. I believe you will take away her momentum if you do? My 2 cents


me: 47, W:49
M 16.5 years
T 17 years
Three kids - D17,D14, S13
Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13
Bomb drop 11/29/13
W moved out 12/5/13
I Retained L 2/20/14
D filed 3/17/14
Re: still holding on - 5 [Re: paul19510] #2518448
12/18/14 02:51 PM
12/18/14 02:51 PM
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That seems consistent with the books, Paul. You are probably right on the money with that.

...and u-turn...I agree about role modeling the lying... SERIOUSLY?


Serenity NOW, Serenity NOW!!! LOL...

Me: 47
H: 41
S: 14
M: 19 years
T: 20 years
Re: still holding on - 5 [Re: u-turn] #2518457
12/18/14 03:11 PM
12/18/14 03:11 PM
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Posts: 471
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Originally Posted By: u-turn
W is angry with S20 because he lies to her. He even tells her lies when there is no story needed and when no questions are asked. She doesn't trust anything he says and is angry enough that she doesn't really know if she wants him to come home for christmas break.

Snarky comment in head and here instead of out loud.

Really W - are you sure you are not talking about yourself?
Doesn't she see it?

yeeeesh



This. THIS.

I wonder how many WAS consider how they'd feel if someone was doing to their child what they've done. For instance, would an WAH be happy with someone that cheated on his daughter and walked away? I THINK NOT.

It's incredible how so few people treat others as they'd want to be treated or see their loved ones treated.


ME: 38
BF: 40
T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice)
BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R.
10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Re: still holding on - 5 [Re: Little] #2518479
12/18/14 04:05 PM
12/18/14 04:05 PM
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Posts: 924
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Thanks Paul & T-mom
I feel like I want to acknowledge that I read the articles on that website for nothing more than to let her know that I appreciate that she is thinking about us.

I do agree that if there is any momentum, I do not want to hinder it - I think I've stopped momentum before and right now it is the only sign of any sort of movement.

I guess I shouldn't hold too much value in it or assume it means anything. She could be thinking something totally opposite of what what I am.

She has posted things on her FB before - about forgiveness, taking the wrong path, and second chances that could be taken two different ways. It's hard not to hold hope in these things and hard to just not ask what she meant by them.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
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