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#2516584 12/12/14 06:13 AM
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Link to old thread here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2510394&page=1


Well it's been a while since an update, and due to a change in conditions, I am thinking it deserves a new thread!!..

So, I find out last night that WAW has started dating.. Although I got a bit cut with the knowledge of this, I actually found out that I am a bit more detached than I thought I was.. W and I had a chat about the situation later in the evening and I found that I didn't yell, beg, cry or even try to reason.. The only thing I really said that wasn't DB was "WTF are you doing with someone like him??"..

It was my own smart butted comment that actually bought out that W is dating/seeing someone as I mentioned that I saw a person that she recently (3 weeks ago) added on Facebook was in the area that I spotted whilst on my way to work (he lives on the other side of town).. I jokingly said "did he stay at your place last night", and the answer was yes from her unfortunately..

She said that she has been "BF-GF" with this person for a week, after 2 dates in the last 3 weeks.. I have no reason to believe otherwise.. It screams rebound R as he is the first person to pay any real attention to W in a dating respect (weird to me as she is very good looking overall), is not the type of person she usually goes for, and apart from a job has nothing going for him (seriously, not just my opinion)..

Probably against DB principals here, but I did a bit of detective work in the last 24 hours to see what he is like, as by being at her place, he is around my kids.. Well what I found out wasn't real crash hot..

3 kids to 3 different women, meth user, wannabe cage fighter, 4 restraining orders from ex's.. The list goes on.. Of course he is giving her the bleeding heart stories, and I have not let anything on of what I know.. Like I said, I know it is against DB principals, but I have the means and didn't even really have to ask the question..


So what it's really boiling down to here is how do I play this??.. Do I tell W what I know (and yes, proof has been shown), or let her find out for herself??.. Also, how do I now handle what I am doing regarding R/M??.. I have told W that I am currently re-assessing our friendship due to this, and that I am also re-assessing our financial obligations to each other..

She seemed a bit "taken aback" by what I said, but understood.. This chat happened today after I dropped off the kids after picking them up from school (I generally do on any Friday unless I do overtime at work as I am finished early enough and it's pretty much on my way home)..

I want to let this new R of hers run it's course without me butting in, as like I mentioned, it screams rebound.. The only thing I have done is set a couple of boundaries as best I can that we are S and living separately..

My first and foremost boundary was that he was not to be there when I am there.. I said to her that I won't cause any trouble, but I have no intent to talk to him, or be friendly.. That doesn't even have anything to do with their "R".. It's just the fact that he is not the sort of person I would give the time of day to even if this wasn't happening..

The only other boundary I set was that I would have no hesitation in action if he hurts the kids or her.. I mentioned that at the end of the day, she is still my W until the divorce papers are signed, and the kids are always mine.. Please don't take this comment the wrong way.. W first met me when I was working a previous job (bodyguard/security), and knows that I will not stand for that..

Funny enough, when I mentioned that she was still my W, she agreed this time.. Generally the answer has been "but we are separated"..

So how do I handle my sitch now??.. W wants to still have our closeness that we have as co-parents/friends, and is a bit worried about losing that from he reaction to my previous comment, but I am on the lookout for the fork for eating that cake!!.. Thing is, the communication lines are good, so I don't want to go dark (but will go back to LC) and judging by other sitch's I'm in a good place there..

Any advice to steer me on the path I need to be now would be greatly appreciated..

Last edited by LoveMyW; 12/12/14 06:14 AM.

Me:35 W:31
S6 + S9
T: 10 years M: 7 years
BD: 7/2014
S: 8/2014
W has new BF: 12/2014
Still fighting the good fight!!..
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Oh, just to add, whilst talking to W, it was mentioned how the kids go back to her place after being with me that they seem a little "sullen", and asked if I pressure them for any info, or say anything to them about R/M.. I said no (which is the truth), but I mentioned to her that they say to me how much they want us together.. I have read elsewhere on here that kids don't say much in that respect to WAS, but will to LBS..

I don't push the point with them as they aren't pawns.. I don't want to give them false hope or shootdown either way, so I just answer what they have to say as middle line as I can..

Anyway, today when me and W were talking, she mentioned how it is meant to be a 29 degree day on Sunday where we are (warm for us) and that I should take the kids to the beach whilst I have them whilst she xmas shops (my weekend off, but I have them on Sundays nights every week)..

FTW, my eldest boy pipes up "You should come with dad and us too mum".. Not a real big thing, but it was just the timing of the comment (he hadn't heard what we were talking about beforehand).. The look on her face was priceless, and I couldn't help but let out an "I told you"!!..


Me:35 W:31
S6 + S9
T: 10 years M: 7 years
BD: 7/2014
S: 8/2014
W has new BF: 12/2014
Still fighting the good fight!!..
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,924
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Hi LMW

When you are focusing on you W you are wasting energy and pushing her away.

I understand the pull to know what she is doing, who with and all of that. I do understand. That said everything you do to know, find out, will not only waste your energy, but it will hurt you deeply. It will alter your ability to move forward and fu@k with you.

There is nothing you can do about it that would not make it worse. Find a way to change your focus, it will consume you.
If you told your W about her friend it would fall not on deaf ears, yet the only thing she would hear would be you are monitoring her.
-------------------------------------------------------------
What do you want to change about you? Why?


M46,W41
D16,D18
M22,T25
BD 11/12
W moved out 01/13
Piecing 10/13
Divorced 01/15
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can."
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Originally Posted By: LoveMyW


3 kids to 3 different women, meth user, wannabe cage fighter, 4 restraining orders from ex's.. The list goes on.. Of course he is giving her the bleeding heart stories, and I have not let anything on of what I know.. Like I said, I know it is against DB principals, but I have the means and didn't even really have to ask the question..



What I haven't read in your post is what are you doing to protect your children? If my W was dating a meth user with multiple restraining orders, I would be more than a little concerned about my kids' safety.

More than one person has gotten hooked on meth as a result of dating a user.

Last edited by Rzrback; 12/12/14 07:07 PM.

Ex Rzrback
Me 43 Her 44
D11, D15
T21, M19
BD 9/9/2014
Piecing

Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood

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Originally Posted By: jp787
Hi LMW

When you are focusing on you W you are wasting energy and pushing her away.

I understand the pull to know what she is doing, who with and all of that. I do understand. That said everything you do to know, find out, will not only waste your energy, but it will hurt you deeply. It will alter your ability to move forward and fu@k with you.

There is nothing you can do about it that would not make it worse. Find a way to change your focus, it will consume you.
If you told your W about her friend it would fall not on deaf ears, yet the only thing she would hear would be you are monitoring her.
-------------------------------------------------------------
What do you want to change about you? Why?


JP, I agree fully.. TBH, after the info drop, I have noticed how strong my detachment is getting.. At this point I really don't care.. Seriously.. I am sitting back just going to let this little production play out.. I have set the boundaries that I feel I can in my situation, and it is up to her to keep her end.. The future will only tell if she does..

I did a bit of background on this person as it was almost like shooting fish in a barrel to find out.. Sometimes it is a curse to know the type of people I do..


[quote=Rzrback

What I haven't read in your post is what are you doing to protect your children? If my W was dating a meth user with multiple restraining orders, I would be more than a little concerned about my kids' safety.

More than one person has gotten hooked on meth as a result of dating a user.[/quote]

Rzrback, until the time I find out for myself that this is 100% true, I am outwardly not going to take any action as I will look like a fool if untrue.. I know W well enough to know that she will not stand for any using..


Me:35 W:31
S6 + S9
T: 10 years M: 7 years
BD: 7/2014
S: 8/2014
W has new BF: 12/2014
Still fighting the good fight!!..
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 788
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Originally Posted By: LoveMyW

[quote=Rzrback

What I haven't read in your post is what are you doing to protect your children? If my W was dating a meth user with multiple restraining orders, I would be more than a little concerned about my kids' safety.

More than one person has gotten hooked on meth as a result of dating a user.[/quote


Rzrback, until the time I find out for myself that this is 100% true, I am outwardly not going to take any action as I will look like a fool if untrue.. I know W well enough to know that she will not stand for any using..


Ah. I assumed from your post that you had incontrovertible proof. I agree you don't need to go that route unless you're very sure of your evidence.

There's a lot of strange things going on in a WAS mind; don't assume that you know her any more. Keep your eyes open.


Ex Rzrback
Me 43 Her 44
D11, D15
T21, M19
BD 9/9/2014
Piecing

Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood

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LMW,
How are you?


M46,W41
D16,D18
M22,T25
BD 11/12
W moved out 01/13
Piecing 10/13
Divorced 01/15
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can."
UrWorthy
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Posts: 148
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Thanks for checking in on me jp.. I'm doing alright considering.. My time passed already here has helped me deal with it a little better than I would have thought, but I'm still a bit cut..

Time for a bit of an update on the last few days for you all..

Since hearing the news, I have gone back to basically NC with W (even after this, I'm still willing to call her W, and really, I'm still willing to fight), and although it has tried me a few times, I've let her initiate contact at all times and replied/let the chat on MY terms..

I've done this to help myself detach further and soften the blow, with the 1% hope that W will see that she misses me and he isn't all he is cracked up to be.. It has also been good to stop me from saying something that may bite me in the backside later!!..

The funniest thing, I can see EXACTLY what game out of the pickup artist manual OM (technically) is playing, but it is no point saying anything to W, as that only makes me look bad and will no doubt inflame any situation..

Anyway, 2 days of NC, W contacts me regarding a financial matter (I waited a little while to return the msg).. I kept it to the point, didn't reply immediately, like a neighbour style and short.. Without getting in to details of the financial matter, I mentioned to her that I will get it sorted when I get back to my place as I was out and busy (I was at a kid family members birthday so no lies there!!).. She seemed a little miffed that I wasn't chatting as such, but just taking care of business..

After that, I went back to NC.. I have been speaking to the kids on facetime on their ipods so They haven't missed talking to me!!.. Fast forward to today and she messaged me again regarding another detail about the same matter.. She seemed a bit P'd off by this chat too with the "neighbour friendly" talking.. What do you all take from this??..


W: Hey LMW, Did you get the transfer done??..

Me: Hi W, Yes I did..

W: Ok thank you..

M: That's fine.. I'm a bit busy at the moment (was at work), but i'll talk to you more (about xmas gifts, last conversation before NC) when I pick up S6+9 tomorrow..

W: Right.. Whats up with you, or what is your problem??.. I won't worry about calling you later then about it then (never had a plan to beforehand)..

M: Nothing.. I'm just flat out at work.. I'll have a chat to you tomorrow about it..

W: Fine, talk then..

M: No worries.. Have a good rest of your day.. Tell the boys I love and miss them..

W: Ok, I will tell them.. XX


Now, the getting upset/angered is probably a control thing (and she feels like she is losing it), well from what I've seen here anyway.. Someone can explain further if they wish..

The XX at the end is the bit that gets me.. It's never happened since BD, so why now??.. She knew EXACTLY who she was messaging so that can't be to blame.. A slip up, or real meaning??.. I'm not buying in to it either way.. It's just plain weird!!..

Anyway, if anyone would like to chime in, feel free!!..


Me:35 W:31
S6 + S9
T: 10 years M: 7 years
BD: 7/2014
S: 8/2014
W has new BF: 12/2014
Still fighting the good fight!!..
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 414
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I would say it means absolutely nothing to her. My XW slipped up a couple of times & called me Baby and tells the kids she loves me when they flat out ask her. Do not mention it to her, acknowledge it, or focus on it at all. That is for your sanity.

Last edited by bravo61; 12/18/14 08:07 PM.

M40 XW35
M11 T15
S9 D5
Bomb 6/3/14
Papers del 10/3/14
D final 12/5/14

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
'Cause that's all you ever wanted
From me

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Don't read into any one thing either good or bad, it will just mess with your head.

Comments or gestures may be made from habit. It's better to just not read into small things.


M46,W41
D16,D18
M22,T25
BD 11/12
W moved out 01/13
Piecing 10/13
Divorced 01/15
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can."
UrWorthy
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