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A Message from Michele
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Re: Little but FIERCE (Little's Thread #4) [Re: Card29] #2516497
12/11/14 11:08 PM
12/11/14 11:08 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 924
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u-turn Offline
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Little - you seem so nice.
Hang in there and stay out of that depressed place- it does no good. Find that PMA in something new

Cheers!


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
Re: Little but FIERCE (Little's Thread #4) [Re: u-turn] #2516514
12/11/14 11:49 PM
12/11/14 11:49 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
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jim0987 Offline
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trying to work out how to combat the low PMA is good especially if you can find away to head it off at the pass - may be a song or a poem that you can use to lift yourself up somehow.

If its time specific about going home - is there something positive you can add to your going home journey on a regular basis that you can look forward to?


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Re: Little but FIERCE (Little's Thread #4) [Re: jim0987] #2516526
12/12/14 12:28 AM
12/12/14 12:28 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 471
New England
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Little Offline OP
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I don't know. I'm a loner by nature. I'm quiet and tend to keep to myself; I don't have a ton of friends so I end up missing the person that was my best friend for 10years....the one I could just text before I left work and ask if he wanted to go out for dinner or whatever. The person I used to babble to about my day or funny jokes or whatever. My support, my comfort. I feel that loss very deeply.

I do have one very good friend with whom I go out often, so it helps, but....it's not the same.

I think that's why I have such a hard time with things like this: I choose my "inner circle" carefully and only let certain people in. When that trust is betrayed, it hits me hard.


Anyway, I'm looking into an apartment tomorrow. Time to get out of the temporary place I'm staying at. It will be a sort of in-law type apartment in a house, private bath and entrance. Shared kitchen and laundry, but that's no big deal. Sort of excited and sort of apprehensive about it, I think because it's my future for me and me alone. We'll see if it looks promising or not.




ME: 38
BF: 40
T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice)
BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R.
10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Re: Little but FIERCE (Little's Thread #4) [Re: Little] #2516558
12/12/14 02:42 AM
12/12/14 02:42 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 471
New England
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Little Offline OP
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A thought just crossed my mind, figured I'd write it down:

How does someone do what BF has done and not feel massive amounts of debilitating guilt?

I'm not sure I could do it. I'm not sure I could cheat, witness the hurt and devastation of someone else because of my actions, and then insert a new person into my life immediately in the place of my old SO but basically live the same life with someone else playing the part of X going forward.

Not only am I pretty darn sure I couldn't look myself in the mirror again, but I think I'd be so distraught by what I'd done there's no way I could commit myself to someone with out a whole metric TON of shaky problems stemming from it.

I mean, objectively, now. Not just, "That's what I'd like to think, and it's easy for me to say that because I'm standing where I am."

I mean SERIOUSLY, how does someone dole out this kind of crap (and this isn't the first time he's done it!) and then just tip toe through the tulips like it was collateral damage that couldn't be helped?

I'd be so screwed up by what I'd done, I'd be a wreck.

Hmmmmmmmmmm.




ME: 38
BF: 40
T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice)
BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R.
10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Re: Little but FIERCE (Little's Thread #4) [Re: Little] #2516586
12/12/14 06:55 AM
12/12/14 06:55 AM
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Posts: 1,720
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jim0987 Offline
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You convince yourself you had no choice and that had you stayed youd be sacrificing your happiness. Then you do what you can to not face it - another person (all the new chemicals and relationship excitement) is the perfect distraction.

Until your on your own you don't have to think about it.

That and some people don't feel guilt


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Re: Little but FIERCE (Little's Thread #4) [Re: jim0987] #2516627
12/12/14 02:00 PM
12/12/14 02:00 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 471
New England
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Little Offline OP
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Well, that blows. :P


ME: 38
BF: 40
T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice)
BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R.
10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Re: Little but FIERCE (Little's Thread #4) [Re: Little] #2516639
12/12/14 02:24 PM
12/12/14 02:24 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
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Mozza Offline
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What makes you think he has no guilt? We don't really know what's going on and the vets keep telling us that our WAS are not as happy as they look (based on piecing stories). Heck, just look at the image we're projecting to them! I've cried every single day for 3 months and my W has seen nothing but happy me.

Also, don't focus too much on how you both feel today. I understand that it feels like a happiness competition: I feel the same. But, again, life is a marathon and we should all work on our long-term happiness, not some short-term satisfaction. He's no good with money, he's not faithful, he didn't want kids and now he's buying a house with a separated mom. Good luck to them. Now just get through your moods today and think of what you can do to beat him to the happiness game in the long run.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Re: Little but FIERCE (Little's Thread #4) [Re: Mozza] #2516642
12/12/14 02:30 PM
12/12/14 02:30 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 471
New England
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Little Offline OP
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Thanks, Mozza. You're always so good at putting me in the place I need to be in. smile

I'm okay right now. I say that with no lying. My PMA is neutral and it feels good to not be teetering on the edge of it. I have IC after work.


ME: 38
BF: 40
T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice)
BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R.
10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Re: Little but FIERCE (Little's Thread #4) [Re: Little] #2516672
12/12/14 04:03 PM
12/12/14 04:03 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 413
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Calibri Offline
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Little,

If he was feeling guilty -- how would that make you feel?

If this isn't the first time he's done it, I'd venture to say it's a learned behavior that he finds acceptable and doesn't think twice about the damage left behind. Because, it's left behind. He doesn't have to deal with the fallout.

Hope IC goes well for you today. I have one too. Fun Fun.


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
Re: Little but FIERCE (Little's Thread #4) [Re: Calibri] #2516755
12/12/14 07:49 PM
12/12/14 07:49 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,852
UK
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Vanilla Offline
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Posts: 8,852
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Dearest Little

GAL doesn't require a full inner circle, or life long friendships, only like minded people doing things they enjoy together. Of course we all need best friends but we also need GAL mates too.

GAL mates can be all ages, I was at lunch today with a 93 year old discussing politics and economics (including bit coins). Tonight I am going Salsa with 24 year old. All it needs is shared interests for now, today. You don't have to make a long term commitment, just go GAL for today and enjoy yourself with all the wonderful people in the world. You won't need trust at all, just see how it goes. Act as if and happiness will follow.

Get out and GAL. GAL as no one has galled before.
Your online GAL pal
Vanilla

Last edited by Vanilla; 12/12/14 07:51 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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