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A Message from Michele
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Re: KGirl - one year later [Re: KGirl] #2517225
12/14/14 08:34 PM
12/14/14 08:34 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
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gan Offline
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gan  Offline
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Posts: 1,008
I don't have a response to your questions above. I just wanted to stop by and wish you well today. All things considered you sound like you are in a strong place and I'm sure you will make the best decision for you.


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Re: KGirl - one year later [Re: gan] #2517226
12/14/14 08:38 PM
12/14/14 08:38 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
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jim0987 Offline
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jim0987  Offline
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J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
What's the downside to contested where you are?


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Re: KGirl - one year later [Re: jim0987] #2517249
12/14/14 10:12 PM
12/14/14 10:12 PM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
K
KGirl Offline OP
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KGirl  Offline OP
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K
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
Jim- the main downside is this first step (the petition/summons). If it is a joint petition/ "uncontested", both of us sign it, and it's considered a joint action. If it is a single petition/"contested", then he is filing a lawsuit against me. I have to be served the paperwork, notify the court I have received it, and then file a response, saying I either agree or that I want the case dismissed (if I say I want it dismissed, it doesn't really matter, he can still move forward and they grant a divorce as long as one person wants it). After that, the steps/paperwork are the same for our situation. We agree on the property settlement/division so we would submit a settlement agreement - you can do that regardless of how the process starts. So really, the downside of not signing the joint petition is A) I'd have to be served (which could be embarassing.. what if a sheriff shows up at my work? and I'll have no idea when it might be coming), B) I have to do additional work to file/mail a response. Right now if I do a joint petition H will make the copies and submit them (so he says, at least. He wants this so I don't see a reason not to believe him).


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Re: KGirl - one year later [Re: KGirl] #2517250
12/14/14 10:14 PM
12/14/14 10:14 PM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
K
KGirl Offline OP
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KGirl  Offline OP
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K
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
Even though it's not really a "joint" decision, filing jointly seems to make more sense, from a business standpoint. Less paperwork, less $ spent, less running around, less contention. I would rather have the business part go smoothly than hold it up because "it's not what I want." And really, at this point... how much do I really want to be married to someone who is moving forward with legally divorcing me?


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Re: KGirl - one year later [Re: KGirl] #2517258
12/14/14 10:32 PM
12/14/14 10:32 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
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jim0987 Offline
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jim0987  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
The whole legal divorce thing is something that i havent got my head round in terms of what is best to do.

if in the end the only difference is that saying it is joint will save you time, effort and money then its definitely worth considering especially if its no fault.

depending on the difference in paperwork and $ it the 'contested' route might sit more comfortably because it puts all of the emphasis on him and at the same time means you can stand by your principle of not wanting D. you dont have to argue against it and can just accept it but at least then it is him divorcing you (which it is)

in the scheme of things though im not sure whether this is a hill that really matters compared to the fact its what he says he wants in the first place.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Re: KGirl - one year later [Re: jim0987] #2517260
12/14/14 10:35 PM
12/14/14 10:35 PM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
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claire7 Offline
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Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
(((K-Girl)))


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

Re: KGirl - one year later [Re: jim0987] #2517261
12/14/14 10:37 PM
12/14/14 10:37 PM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
K
KGirl Offline OP
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KGirl  Offline OP
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K
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
Oh, I did forget to mention that - we live in a no-fault, community property state, so the reasons why or who asks for it will have no bearing on any of the outcomes. In addition, because of the length of time we've been married, if we did contest things the court would look to restore each of us to what we had prior to the M rather than split things evenly (so I would very likely not get any support if our incomes were very disparate, for example - they aren't, so I'm not concerned about that).


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Re: KGirl - one year later [Re: KGirl] #2517265
12/14/14 10:44 PM
12/14/14 10:44 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
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jim0987 Offline
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
I might have missed it somewhere.

if either way its no fault and all the practicalities mean the joint decision is better for you then i'd guess thats the way to go - especially if it means he is going to do all the work.

Having said that there are many wiser than me who may have a different view.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Re: KGirl - one year later [Re: jim0987] #2517267
12/14/14 10:48 PM
12/14/14 10:48 PM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
K
KGirl Offline OP
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KGirl  Offline OP
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K
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
Well, off to meet H. I really don't want to go into the house so I'm bringing a clipboard so I can sign outside or in my car wink Fingers crossed he doesn't say something and I flip out (like.. "This is going to be expensive"..... well, you didn't want to "waste money" on books or counseling, so this should be better, right??)


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Re: KGirl - one year later [Re: jim0987] #2517270
12/14/14 11:10 PM
12/14/14 11:10 PM
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
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zew Offline
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zew  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
KG, I think it's all kind of moot.

If your state allows no fault, then contested/joint filing really doesn't matter much. Joint filing can move faster, at least here the court schedules those first. Also here, contested has a 6 month waiting period from file date. That can buy some time while the gravity of the whole thing sets in on spouse.

I proposed collaborative D to W, to take open marriage off the table (I cannot live like that). She responded with contested D. It will be much more expensive; another thing out of my control. So, ya, I can say "She started it!", but that is of no solace. Also, I think that 95% of D's end up being presented to the court as "joint" once you come to a settlement (regardless of how they were originally filed), because *nobody* wants to leave things in the hands of the judge.

Something to check - in my state you don't have to be served by a court officer. Spouse (or L) can mail you (your L) the complaint, and you just have to notarize receipt and file it with the court. You save the fee/embarrassment of sending the sheriff out.

Originally Posted By: jim0987
depending on the difference in paperwork and $ it the 'contested' route might sit more comfortably because it puts all of the emphasis on him and at the same time means you can stand by your principle of not wanting D. you don't have to argue against it and can just accept it but at least then it is him divorcing you (which it is)
True, but as Jim says, what's that worth? You will always tell people that D was not what you wanted, regardless of the actual form/procedure.

Originally Posted By: KGirl
And really, at this point... how much do I really want to be married to someone who is moving forward with legally divorcing me?
I think this sometimes too. But you and I both know that we might feel differently if our spouse rounded the corner and were genuinely ready to do the work. In some aspects, I am glad the D clock is ticking. If she doesn't figure herself out in the next few months, I know I'm ready to move on. So it's less a question of whether I want to be married to her, I do; but I am equally prepared for either outcome and ready for the decision to be made.

-Zew

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