Hey, NLT, thank you for the update. This is all quite interesting. It gives a lot of insight on what is going on in MLCer’s head.
I agree with Job, continue to listen and validate. I would not offer any advice or opinion. Let him figure it out on his own. From what I read about the stages, when they start to come out of the tunnel, there is a lot of guilt. They realize how much damage they have done. But they still cycle. This is the most difficult stage of all for LBS to not lose patience a not push them back into the tunnel. I also agree that you should make yourself a little less available.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I have to agree with you about him not wanting to leave the comfort of the fantasy world. It wouldn't surprise me a bit if he went through with the D just as Holly's h did. At this point he seems to "have" to do this.
Not offering advice and opinions is terribly hard but I am doing it! When he pushes me to talk and tell him what I think about S/D. I say pretty much the same thing as I said a year ago. "It's not what I want.." You'd think after hearing the same answer every time he'd get it!
D2 is doing very well at her job and in her apartment. She's made many new friends and even has a social life with others that are around her age. That is something that she hasn't had since leaving in high school.
I started volunteering at the H.S. and am working with parents of special needs children helping them navigate the maze of transitioning from H.S. to work or post H.S. education. There are so many services offered that many aren't aware of. The process and steps involved to obtain these services can be daunting. My D has a few friends that are higher functioning special needs whose parents can't be bothered with helping them. I've met with some of them to help find affordable housing and state services as well. It's unthinkable that these parents have let their children/young adults fend for themselves!
I haven't taken any major trips but am planning a week away this summer and will be meeting a friend out in Las Vegas for shopping and shows! Weekend stays at a (local) Spa near the city for a little spoiling and relaxation every few months are still a priority.
Thanks for the input AND for posting the Detachment article as well. There is so much info on this board and so little time for me to read here. I've found that it's a great place to come on nights like this when I have trouble falling asleep.
Time to get some rest now....
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
I am reluctantly posting my update here as I believe the board has 'eyes".
My mlcer just might take 3rd or 4rd prize for nuttiness just behind Job's and Bea's xh's. I can't get into details here but I'm not sure that a sane judge would allow what is being proposed as a financial and asset settlement agreement.
The D papers were hand carried and served to me last week by my mlcer. I'm doing okay but have had a few very difficult days. I expected this so it's not a surprise but it still stings quite a bit. 3 sheets of paper (yep that's all), a few signatures and 90 days will dissolve 36+ years of marriage to my best friend, life companion and the person that knows me deeper than anyone else in life. I don't know what else to say at this point. I'm still processing my thoughts.
It's sad when someone that you've spent over half of your life with feels the it's necessary to walk away in order to become whole. I understand why it has to be this way, have expected it yet seeing your marriage wiped away with a signature is more difficult than I ever imagined. Yeah, it's a piece of paper and it won't take away the memories, the love that we had, the life and children that we created but it does take a piece of my heart.
I will try to find a generic thread to post more but for now, your prayers are welcome and needed.
Job, I tried to find Holly06's thread again but most of it appears to have been wiped out since I last read it. As I said before, I have a full life and much to keep my mind occupied while I find my way through this. I will survive and thrive with or without my mlcer!
More will follow when I find a safe place to post.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
NLT, I am sorry about your receiving the D papers, and the pain that you are in. 36+ years od marriage so easily tossed with only 1 spouse wanting to end it? You have my prayers.
There is an indignity in the way a long and for the most part, happy marriage is wiped away. What kind of dumba*s throwaway society have we become that people do not question what i going on here?
Sure no-one is saying that marriages should be preserved at all costs, but equally marriage has a value, and a long marriage represents so much for the couple, their family and friends.
I am so sorry. Please allow yourself time and space to grieve, What you have lost is real, as much as if your spouse had died. And in some ways they have. But those not going through this do not see it.
My children feel the person they knew and loved so dearly no longer exists. It is so sad, and so little understood, outside of these forums.
Thinking of you NLT, I know you will move through this with the grace and dignity you've moved through all the other silliness he's thrown at you. I'm sorry he's let you down again. He's one very confused man-boy.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I am very sorry that your situation has come to this. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Post when you feel comfortable in doing so.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
