Raliced, I went through my calendar and cirled the days when I discovered this. I really wish someone could bring it up to her because I am pretty sure its a managable thing. I am NOT an expert !
My plan of action is no contact on circled days. Self preservation?
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
Maybe even experiment with no contact on other days? At least don't negotiate on the days you have circled
Quote:
and the combative nature I want to avoid.
Yeah, maybe you can. It's hard to see that, but it sounds like you have a plan.
I think you'll be glad you did. I did similar and I am very glad I did.
Best of luck! AJ
Best of luck, Bdub. Hopefully it won't be long.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Raliced, I went through my calendar and cirled the days when I discovered this. I really wish someone could bring it up to her because I am pretty sure its a managable thing. I am NOT an expert !
My plan of action is no contact on circled days. Self preservation?
How do you manage your hormonal days? You do have them, you know. We all do.
Bringing it up to her wouldn't work well and I think you know that. There really isn't good "management" for it unless she wants to work on yoga and meditation.
I think you realize it's best to let this ^^^ go. The holidays are difficult for everyone, maybe after the 1st, she'll be ready to make it final.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Hi Bdub, how are you doing? Labug is right (isnt' she always?), you are doing great. This is the week to breathe deeply, stick to a plan, breathe deeply, take care of yourself and your boys. And hopefully after the first of the year things will clear up for you. Hang in there.
She is always on the money! Had a good weekend even though the basketball games did not turn out too well. I did have a brief back and forth when WAW came to get the boys but I kept my cool and held my own at the same time.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
WAW and I have always struggled communicating. Her first reaction to conflict is to raise her voice. My reaction to her raised voice is to shut down and close her out. When I don't shut down she tends to switch topics or bring up past issues. Then, when I try to re-center the conversation she gets frustrated because she feels like I am controlling.
Anyone else ever have to deal with this? To me, when she starts switching topics and bringing up the past its like being on the computer and having more and more windows pop up. I keep trying to close one window at a time but more and more pop up. Very overwhelming and nothing ever gets accomplished. After a while I start interrupting and cutting her off. Then I start reacting to her emotion and it just becomes a viscious circle.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
Her first reaction to conflict is to raise her voice. My reaction to her raised voice is to shut down and close her out.
To me, when she starts switching topics and bringing up the past its like being on the computer and having more and more windows pop up. I keep trying to close one window at a time but more and more pop up. Very overwhelming and nothing ever gets accomplished.
My H is the one who flashes anger and raises his voice. I am the one who shuts down. It's a struggle, but I admire you for recognizing the dynamic. It's up to you to keep yourself open and not shut down, even when it's uncomfortable. It's OK to ask for a short break and then pick up the conversation later. Even 10 minutes could help you gain control and open up.
My suggestion on the pop-up windows is, at a time that all is calm, explain to her that you are not a multi-tasker and that you like to discuss one thing at a time. You know she is good at keeping track of many things simultaneously, but you get overwhelmed, could she please help with that? If she reacts favorably, maybe you could come up with a phrase that you could say that she'd recognize in the heat of the battle, a code word or phrase, if you will, to indicate that you are feeling overwhelmed so she can adjust.
All this assumes she's willing to work with you, of course. Do you think she is?
If she's not, then maybe just try to keep gently guiding the conversation back to the main topic. Don't interrupt, don't cut her off, but you don't have to defend yourself on every pop-up, either. Stick to the original subject if you can, and ignore the rest. Maybe say, politely, I'd love to talk about that later, but for now can we make a decision on X?
After BD and before she moved out I had gotten pretty good at guiding the conversation back to the topic, and picking out only certain things from what she said. My IC helped me work on this skill because he was our MC/DC counselor too and even he struggled with it. She was never willing to work on it while we were M, no way she will work on it now. I tried sticking to mainly tm for a while but 2 things : 1) tm are hard to read "tone" and 2) found out it was OM texting back and forth with me on 2 occasions.
At least with TM I could go back and read, and re-read her msgs.
I like the idea of saying we can talk about it later. In fact, I have thought about having a pen and paper so I could write down the topics we were going to discuss. Honestly though, I really don't want to talk about any of our past issues any more because she has re-written our marital history so bad that I actually laughed at her last week.
Last edited by bdub; 12/22/1408:17 PM.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
