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I'm not really digging for anything other than what you explained above. I remembered that we had talked about an agreement for kid spending. The more to the story would have been an explanation of why she sent the receipts.

Was the expense for something extra like new winter coats, or one/both grew out of shoes really fast (as boys do at that age). Just wondered why she sent the receipts.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

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I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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Originally Posted By: bdub
It is spelled out perfectly in our agreement. The problem is that the agreement is not signed.

We agreed that clothing cost would be part of the support and that support would start when she signed the house over to me so I could refinance in my own name and lower the payment. I agreed to pay her the lump sum we agreed on at that time. However, she decided not to sign anything over until we sign the dissolution papers.
Now we are stuck. Right now we are both buying stuff for the boys here and there just to get through. However s13 needed dress clothes for the basketball team and then s10 out grew his basketball shoes. I bought the shoes she bought the rest. It was within 50 cents of being exactly equal.

Question now : She has asked me to pay back support for the past few months. I have no problem supporting my kids. However, I am not including the amount added in for clothing since I have spent the same amount on them she has.
Is that reasonable?


You and I cross-posted. I didn't see this which explains a lot.

Sounds reasonable. Just keep good records.

What's the holdup on the dissolution papers?


Me 57/H 58
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I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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The receipts were sent because it was more than just a t shirt or whatever. It was a dress shirt, tie, pants and shoes. I agreed to pay for my half when she bought them. However, he lost a tie and tie tack that I replaced.
Then I discovered s10 had outgrown his basketball shoes, to the point it was hurting his feet. By the time I bought that stuff and a pair of jeans for s13 because he couldnt get into a pair he already had, the amounts spent were so close to equal.
I should have paid the receipt (she took 3 weeks to get it to me) and then had her pay me for what I spent.

Lesson learned I guess.


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At some point, B, you have got to put in a boundary else stay in this mode for a very long time. Reading your posts, she is taking advantage of you at every turn possible. That's important in the sense that you're trying to deal fairly (I respect and applaud the idea) with her, while she and OM are trying to take advantage of your generosity and kindness.

That's important in the sense that you're trying to treat her like a business partner, when she is not being partner material.

You're grasping for the idea if something is reasonable or not.

Seems reasonable to me that she had an affair, left, wanted out, and now wants her cake too. I see that stuff all the time.

Seems reasonable to me that you wouldn't give it to her on her terms. Not caustic, but just that you will figure out your absolutes and defend them to the end of time.

Quote:
I could not care less about the money or the CS but the clause in the papers stating the boys had to finish school in this district was a huge issue for me. It is now in writing that she can't pack up and move away and end our 50-50 time split with the boys.
It's obvious you don't care about he money. It's obvious you want her to be able to have part time with the kids. She obviously wants to take advantage of that.

What kind of person takes advantage of you for that?

What kind of person has an affair with a married woman and then threatens or tries to goad the H into an confrontation?

Having lived some of what you describe, it seems to me that you're just not sure yet a) what you'll absolutely not give up i.e. not everything is clear in that realm b)what is the "decent" thing to do that you can live with and c) you seem to think she'll "co-parent" with you as long as you bend over backward to give her what she wants.

Pay back support? Pay "princess" things that she feels entitled to in order to keep the peace?


You have no peace, bdub. I get what you're doing and why. Your kids are very important to you.

So the question to figure out is if you can get your kids with what you're doing.

Can you? Or is that not going to be possible if you play this out?


I've been there bdub. I have. I've done much of what you describe (shorter timeline) until it dawned on me that I didn't need to suffer for her actions any longer. Until I realized that there would be a time to deal with OM, but it wasn't now. Until I realized I mattered in the conversation and there was a better way to deal with things, even if I had to go to court or lose everything.

Where are you in that journey?

AJ

P.S. The OM, while a POS, is not the issue. No need to deal with that for now. Trust me when I tell you, he'll get what he deserves at a later date and if you totally ignore him, it'll happen faster. smile


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Originally Posted By: bdub
raliced,
. Is $ 2,400 a year a reasonable figure for s10 and s13?



Depends on how fashionable they want to be. wink S13 is getting in that zone. Sounds like things will get smoother after she signs off. From my memory of your threads it just semed like there were a lot of receipts going back and forth.

In my situation, I want as little of this type of activity as possible and even considered just eating the cost of extracurriculars just to avoid - but decided that could end up being too much. You two will get it all settled - I'd just be on the lookout for any situation that could lead to years of aggravation.


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The hold up is trying to figure out the best way to adjust support from year to year. I suggested leaving it out of the cours and sitting down with ins cost and school lunch cost in sept. She is waivering about wanting the security of having it go through csea. If it goes through csea she would have to get an attorney and petition the courts to get the adjustment every year. If we leave it out of the court we can easily adjust it early in the fall when her ins renews. She is weighing the benefits of the easy adjustment vs the benefits of security with the csea. it's obvious where I stand, but I am the one writing the check, not receiving it.


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AJ,
Thanks for chiming in. We have been thisclose to signing 3 times now. I am getting a a decent deal financially and we are splitting time with the boys 50-50. As this drags out I am caving more and more to stand up for the financial deal and the split time with the boys. The cost of D is pretty big (10 k) and the combative nature I want to avoid.

I can give a little to avoid that. However, now we have settled everything except how to adjust support annually. Now, she comes at me with a tm message barrage saying she wants to up support by 100 a month for no good reason. She is pushing to see what I will tolerate.

I am going to get clobbered for this but oh well: I went back through all my tm from her. There have been 4 major blow ups since she left. each and every single one started exactly 28 days after the last. Now, I KNOW I should not blame hormones or cycles but really? 28 days on the nose, 4 times in a row?
Background: she was on some sort of birth control that lasted 5 or 7 years. That ended right before she left.
I could never and would never bring this up to her, but to me, its pretty obvious whats going on.

Thanks for chiming in AJ

Re OM I intervened to the extreme to protect the boys. WAW was cramming him down their throat and they wanted nothing to do with it and would not stand up to her.
Afer they stood up to her and she agreed to not bring OM around them... to me he no longer exists. He is twice divorced and ran off with his second D attorney. He will not be around long.
Dopamine, addiction, fairy tail, knight in shining armor etc. etc.


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according to my L if we go through a full D I will get 50-50 custody, will probably have to sell investment properties, and support is a big unknown. If I can lay low and get the dissolution signed, it is worth it, for now.


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From my memory of your threads it just semed like there were a lot of receipts going back and forth.


This is the first and last exchange of receipts. I will take care of whatever clothing needs they have until we sign. With christmas coming they wont need anything for a while.

We will get it worked out. There are times we can have productive talks and work through issues. Then she decides to make changes and threatens me with D. This time I went radio silent. I will see how that works out when we make contact again.

Re: fashion. The boys are not at all into name brands. We live at Old Navy and some at Kohls. They are a little picky about shoes, but I taught them that.
Clearance racks, 30% off sales, and coupons ;-)

Last edited by bdub; 12/20/14 05:35 PM.

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Originally Posted By: bdub

I am going to get clobbered for this but oh well: I went back through all my tm from her. There have been 4 major blow ups since she left. each and every single one started exactly 28 days after the last. Now, I KNOW I should not blame hormones or cycles but really? 28 days on the nose, 4 times in a row?



Nah, no clobbering here. Story checks out. I don't suffer from this myself, but it is well documented that some women suffer from it to an extreme. Hormones are no joke. At least its predictable and you can be prepared.

Last edited by raliced; 12/20/14 05:35 PM.

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