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Originally Posted By: beatrice
You are really doing much better than you seem to give yourself credit for, and you are very emotionally honest.

Thank you. You would not say that I am emotionally honest 3 years ago. I was pretty much holding most of my emotions to myself, except the negative once. I guess I did make a lot of progress at least in this. My friends at the vacation home say that I’ve change a lot. It should bring me the joy. At the same time I feel like everything inside me is turning into stone. And on the outside I feel trapped, like I’m slowly sucked in into a very thick clay. I raise my hangs here and there and even try to lift my body out of it, but with less and less hope that I will ever get out.

I’m doing great at work. I’m functional and pretty much not thinking about H or my sitch during the day. But on my way home I feel the anxiety. When I come home I feel lonely. Everybody has their own lives. My GF’s have been unresponsive to my attempts to communicate. My sister is busy with her family. I have new friends at work, but sometimes it is just too much for me, all the activities they want to do. I feel like I don’t have energy for that. I force myself, but it doesn’t always work.

I think I’m entering into another phase of blues. Don’t want to call it depression. I just don’t know what I am doing wrong. Why I cannot just let it all go? Why do I keep getting hooked? I thought I was doing better before H sent me this e-mail with the dog video. Why does he keep doing this? He disappears, makes sure that he distances himself from me, and then when I start to detach more, he does something like this. Why include me on this e-mail and not on others I’m sure he sends regularly to our friends. This almost feels like psychological abuse. I know, I’m doing it to myself. I need to change my perception and my reaction to this. And STOP having my hopes up every time he sends me things.

I know, feeling sorry for myself again…

No need for 2x4, I will do it myself.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Bright,
The way I see it is that each and every time you have connection w/him, be it a text, email, his mail, contact w/mutual friends, etc., you begin to look for signs and when there are no additional signs coming, you tend to get down a little bit. What I think is that you begin to up your expectations when a communication comes in. It's difficult to keep your footing when these things happen. Try to look at the communications as postcards from ET on the moon and that he's still out there blowing in the wind.

As for your h sending you the video of the dog, he's not even thinking straight. He doesn't realize what these communications do to you emotionally and mentally. His empathy chip is broken and he has no clue. He looks at you as a friend and someone he still wants to touch base w/periodically while exploring the moon, much like when a child moves out and still wants that wee bit of connection w/mom.

You and only you can change how you react to his communications. However, it does take some time. Practice saying "postcards from ET...he is still alive and okay" and then hit the delete button. Nothing more, nothing less.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hey bright! I still have to get caught up on you threads, but I want you to know that I am thinking of you. My apologies for being a stranger. I have not spent much time on anyone's thread but my own lately.

I appreciate you still checking in in me and having my back! I think the world of you. I really hope you are doing well- you deserve it!

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Job, you are absolutely right. I know this happens to me over and over. I need to learn. Thanks for beating this into me again. I really appreciate you not giving up on me, in spite of my stubbornness. Yes, I know that I’m stubborn. Not like H, but still stubborn enough to put myself through this for this long. I’m stubborn in my mind with this persistent hope that one day H would wake up.

One think I disagree with, though. I don’t think H is sending this e-mails without thinking too much about it. I know him pretty well. If he would follow his rules of not giving me or anybody any indication that there is still some kind of connections, he would think hard before sending me anything that would link me to him and our friends. This is not done without thinking. I just can’t figure out what the motivation is. I’m very logical person and this is just hard thing to stop. I naturally try to analyze things that bother me or make me feel strange. This is one of these things. I just cannot help it, my mind constantly returns to the events or things that it flagged as being strange.

I think I deal with this by talking about things over and over. Is it just nobody wants to listen any more. I mean my friends and family. I am glad I found this board, where people have so much patience to listen to the same story and repeat their advice until it sticks.

Speaking about analyzing… While I was typing this, I had a light bulb moment. Not a big light bulb, but still, LOL. I think I’m right about my feelings that H has been trying even harder to distance himself and limit the contact even more (except for that dog video – which is weird). Knowing him, I think he is doing this because he wants to prove to himself that he made the right decision and he needs to continue on with his new “phase of life”. I think that there are doubts starting creeping up in his mind, and this why he has stepped up the distancing behavior. He is trying to convince himself that he left the old life behind... hum, like completely... Even though he is comfortable with the limbo state (according to our friend.) I actually feel sorry for him. It is hard work trying to keep your feelings locked. And this is so him.

Mighty, no need to apologize. There is lot of things going on in your life. I appreciate you posting to tell us about it. We can all learn a lot. I read your thread every day. You have a lot of support from the vets, and it helps me too when I read all their advice. Unfortunately I cannot generate a steady traffic on my thread. I’m just not as good of writer. I have my moments, but other times I’m stuck on how to express myself so it resonates with people. I’m fortunate to have a few people who check up on me regularly, like job and bea.

Thank you for your kind words. I’m thinking about you too.

Ok, going to practice “postcard from ET”, “postcard from ET”… I might give him a new name. Need to think about it…


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Bright - It sounds like you are doing fantastic with everything you've been through over the past few years. I wonder if one of the reasons you are feeling a bit down is not because you miss H but simply just miss your life as part of a couple.

This is hard to face. The idea that we miss our life while not missing the man that is technically our H. these are the kinds of issues that can really bring on the guilt. I think as times goes on it has got to become a bigger struggle.

Call it mental growing pains or grieving pains. I think you are just detaching a bit more and with it comes some sadness. Hang in there. You are doing really well.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Hi Bright.

My heart breaks for you. I totally understand how you feel. I know the analyzing of things. And there is something that I thought of today:

Deep down, everything I 'thought' about xh's sitch, was pretty much true. I mean, like the way he felt and things.

I questioned it, because I didn't know for sure, and I couldn't *see* what was happening. But I knew in my heart..... I know him better than anyone.

He was lost, which further made me question things. But I also know there was part of him that *knew* what he felt, but didn't know how to access it.

It is early on for me to say this, like I know how things will work out. Honestly, I don't. But, with the conversations we have had, my assumptions were correct, for the most part. What was displayed, on the surface, by me, was my own insecurities. How could I really say what I thought?

I knew I had to let him go to figure it out. I had to stop analyzing.

hold on xh here...

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Bright,

I'm sorry you are having a bit of a rough patch. I think Job is spot on. I know it's difficult and it sounds like you've come a long way.

Hang in there:-)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Anyway, Bright. Can't seem to regain momentum as to where I was heading there.

I guess the bottom line is, you probably know more in your heart that you give yourself credit. But, you can't make yourself crazy trying to wait to see what it is you may know.

Seriously, finding a place where you can see yourself being OK without him is maybe a place you want to start heading. Not saying to file, but maybe forget logistics. If you see something significant from him down the line, consider recalibrating and enjoying the surprise.

It is so tough, Bright. You are doing so well, and I am so happy that you have been growing at work. That is such a huge start in finding your way. All that stuff I still struggle with, Bright. I get it. I just want you to know that you are supported and that you have real friends here. I do wish we were closer so we could do some stuff together. I think you are an amazing, genuine, strong (and hot) woman, Bright. And I just wish the best for you.

Keep moving on Bright. Keep reaching out to your friends. Keep on the upward swing at work. Good things are going to happen. Keep your eyes open, along with an open mind.

I can't wait to hear of your next gal activity, Bright. I still remember the best night I had with gal. It was the best and I just remember this overwhelming feeling of freedom and peace. It was the night I was with my friend in the early fall/late summer. We were having dinner at the bar over the river. It was beautiful, and I just remember a sense of peace and happiness.

I want to hear of your night like that! I will be tuning in!

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Here it is again, the 15th of the month. H sent me the text “Hi, I just transferred $XXX to your account. Don’t send any more mail to “State” as I will be leaving here this week. Thanks”

I haven’t answered yet. Sitting on it until tomorrow. It made me very angry and my first thought was to tell him to go F himself. This text is rude. again… Plus, he effectively ruined my plans to go to the vacation home for Christmas. My friends invited me to join them for dinner. I guess he will be the one to do it.

Mighty, GB, thank you so much for stopping by and for the comments. I need to know that people still see me making progress and being strong. I just don’t feel it these days.

Mighty, I always thought that I had a pretty good intuition, until H surprised me with BD. Then I lost confidence in myself. I've hear so many things that just didn't make sense. But now, I think that have my intuition back. Some if it might be wishful thinking. But, I think I’ve been pretty realistic about my sitch, so I think I might be right about lots of things.

Mighty, thank you for such inspirational words and assuring me about the friendship that I found here. It means a lot to me to know that somebody I’ve never met before in person cares about me. I had some tears in my eyes when I was reading your post. I think I don’t see myself like that. I thinks that this is normal and I’m just like the rest of the people who didn’t have to go through this painful experience. And then I realize that I changed a lot.

If H has any knowledge about how much I changed, it must be bothering him a lot, because his words after BD were that there was no future for us, because people just don’t change. He said that I have this trend of being negative and critical that I brought from the country I was born at. I think that he is not happy to hear from a lot of people at our vacation home, and even possibly from his own brother, about how much fun I’m and how much everyone wants to be in my company (these are actually our friends’ words last time I spoke with them.) I think he is not happy to hear all that because he might be wrong then. OMG! He will be trying even harder to prove to everyone and himself that he made the right decision leaving me. So far, he is the only one having this opinion, LOL.

Thanks for reminding me to have an open mind.

I’m having a get together at my house this Friday with two neighbor ladies, one of which went to the vacation home with me a couple of months ago! Not much, but something I enjoy doing.


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So, I replied back to H yesterday. "Thanks. Does it mean you going to be at the vacation home for Christmas." He sent me the text back saying that no, he will be in transit at that time and that he will be passing through my city on the 27, 28. He asked me if I was planning to go. He didn't clean the condo when he left last time, so he ends to contact our mutual friend to get the condo ready. This is strange. H always makes sure that he cleans after staying there or anywhere. I guess he was so busy partying that he didn't have time.

My plan was to go on Wednesday and return on Sunday next week, but I think I need to change it. Or change the lock on the door. I don't want h in the house without me there. Why does he alway need to spoil everything for me this time a year. I am getting a lot of anxiety with these news.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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