[BrightFuture]

New thread, hopefully new phase for me.

Link to the last one:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2490683&page=10

From my previous thread:

Bright,
It's not over until the fat lady sings and from where I'm sitting, I don't think he's going to do much of anything because he's very content w/the way things are working for him.

Yes, it looks like he is very content with the thing as they are right now. He is in a bubble.

As for D papers, unless you file them, I don't get a sense of him doing that from your postings.

I agree with this too, unfortunately. I am pretty much resigned to the thought that I will have to file when I’m ready.

You are still searching for signs of him waking up. As I pointed out earlier, he may very well be a turtle in this race and it could take him some time to get to the other side.

Yes, I think I am still searching for the signs. Like I mentioned before, he is very stubborn when he makes a decision. And this decision is a big one. It would take a miracle or a major disaster for him to think about changing his mind.

Don't get discouraged, look at this situation a different way, it's given you an opportunity to try new things, make new friends and you've gotten a job that you like. It's given you an opportunity to find yourself too. If your h sat down and spoke w/you today, he would see a different Bright, a more independent and stronger Bright. You would be a stranger to him, just as he is to you right now.

Thank you, job, for the words of support. I really need them now.

So, for now, let him go. Allow the man upstairs to have him for a while. Your focus has to be on number one...YOU!

This is what I’ve been trying to do for the last couple of weeks. As I mentioned in my previous thread, I’m pretty sure H got someone, whether it is just a female friend in a category of “one of the boys”, or a more serious interest, IDK. So, I’ve been pretty much trying to come to the terms with what might be the news about potential ow. And, I’ve been actually making some good progress with this. I feel like I actually started to let go. I’m sad, moody, depressed, but I just don’t feel much emotion when I think about possible ow. It’s like “whatever”. I know that I will cycle again, but I take this time to re-evaluate what I actually want in the future.

I thought I was doing well until today… I sent H an e-mail yesterday asking him to send me an updated company file, because I need to do an Invoice for my on-the-side consulting work. I didn’t even think about how to word it or anything. I just don’t care anymore how it sounds, as long as I get what I need. I actually used the same style as H wrote to me, ending it with “Hope all is well with you”, LOL.

So, I get two e-mails back from H. One with the file. It was worded differently. Not in an official style he normally uses (his polite style), but kind of a casual, like we are buddies. Here is the text:
“Here you go Bright. Please send it back as soon as you do something, as I need to do some invoicing as well.
Thanks,
H”

And another e-mail, addressed to me and our mutual friends (H and W). My e-mail was not on CC, but actually appeared to be selected first. There was a link to the U-tube with the video of a dog doing some home chores. It is called “You would want this dog...” There was a comment in this e-mail from H that he thinks that our female friend needs that dog. Wow, it has been some time since H sent me any jokes via e-mail. In the past, he sent a few jokes, but I was always CCed, not on a To list. So I didn’t reply to these e-mails. Today, I felt quite at ease, so I replied to everyone with the joke.

Like I said I thought I was doing great in terms of further detaching. This thing kind of set me back a little. I know that it probably means nothing. But, the wheels in my head started to spin again. Why did he send me this e-mail? Is he getting more comfortable now because he’s got a GF? What does he want from me? Is he getting comfortable to be friends now? What’s changed? I’m really confused about the two e-mails now.

Anyway, I’m not expecting any reply, except maybe from my friends. I don’t need to get this into my head. I need to continue on my path to more detachment. Thanks for reading.

[Notlikingthis]

Bright, I think job is right. Your h is just trying some new things out or didn't want to bother anyone for a ride to the airport. My h was stuck in a rut for work and shortly after he started into his mlc he told me that he was taking different buses and a new route to work just to because he was tired of doing the same thing every day. So I wouldn't read anything into it. He may be trying to recreate himself so it could actually be a positive thing. Hang in there, he's just taking longer than some to work through his issues.

I will update on my own thread if I can find it but as you might suspect the ow drama escalated more than anyone would have expected. It's another short novel!

[BrightFuture]

NLT, thanks for stopping by. I actually have an explanation now, about H taking the bus. I mentioned before that his car that has been parked at the vacation home had a dead battery. So, apparently the battery that H ordered online and shipped to his brother’s house (BIL who lives in the same neighborhood with me), and them H picked up this battery when he was going to the vacation home before the Thanksgiving, well it happened to be defective. So, I guess he could not drive his car. Poor guy…

I just had a very long phone conversation with my friends from the vacation home place. We had quite a heated discussion recently over the e-mail with the female friend, regarding our friendship and how they still accepted H after what he’s done, etc. So they were trying to assure me that they want me as their friend and that they would be devastated if I decide to not continue our relationship. And they would really want to see me there for Christmas weekend.

One interesting thing that came out of this conversation is one of my male friend’s remarks. He said that H indicated that he is very happy with this limbo situation with me. Ha! Don’t even know how to react to this. Should I take H’s @ss to the cleaners? Well, I guess I will be the one to initiate a D. Unless his ow would do the pushing on this matter. What a selfish @ss!

[BrightFuture]

Oh, should I be happy with H being happy about the limbo situation right now? Have to think about that some more.

[beatrice]

Bright I do not think that there is any right or wrong here.

My feeling is that you are still deeply emotionally attached to your h (Nothing wrong with this btw) and understandably fear that initiating divorce proceedings will push him further away.

On the practical and financial side is there any advantage to your divorcing him?

I do not think you are yet ready to 'move on' as they say. You will know when you are, and all will become clearer. As you know MLC is a long term and messy thing, and a good proportion of MLCers appear to never wake up to what they have left.

I suspect that your hope might be that starting divorce proceedings might shock him out of limbo.

Btw, how your h feels about the limbo situation is neither here or there. Who knows what goes on in another person's brain. It is how it affects you that matters. learning to put Bright first is a useful life skill. Like the hair product ad, you are worth it.

[123Gwen]

Again Bea is full of wisdom. I do have to admit that I think there does come a tipping point in limboland when staying there can be counter productive. You need to be aware of that caveat otherwise you might not be bitter but you will most definitely be like Rapunzel except you are not trapped in a tower but rather a married like state that is doing you more harm than good.

Just knowing limboland can be dangerous is a good thing but it doesn't mean you have to abandon your stand. Only you know what is in your heart and when you feel ready to take action then you will be strong and confident.

[BrightFuture]

Bea, Gwen, thanks for the comments.

I have not been feeling good today at all. I’m spinning like crazy. I feel like I am an animal in a small cage who keeps bouncing from wall to wall and cannot find an exit. I had a huge knot in my stomach this morning then I had an anxiety attack in the afternoon. Thanks goodness I worked from home today.

Bea, why do you say that I’m still “deeply” emotionally attached to H? I just don’t know what to think anymore. Is it because I’m posing these little details about our rare interactions? I was starting to feel that I’m actually letting it go. But, here I am again, trying to figure out what is going on with me again.
One day I feel like could be care less what he is doing and I’m going on with my life and doing fine. Then a little trigger makes me spin again. I think the trigger this time was the conversation with my friends yesterday.

As you know MLC is a long term and messy thing, and a good proportion of MLCers appear to never wake up to what they have left.

This is always a downer .

I suspect that your hope might be that starting divorce proceedings might shock him out of limbo.

Not at all. I actually don’t want to start a D. I think my posting didn’t come across how it was intended. After my friend’s comment that H is happy about this limbo state, I felt that I lost all the hope again. Obviously this limbo state starting to have a toll on me. So, I was just asking myself that maybe I just need to get the D process started, because there is no hope that H will come out of this (also according to so many posters here who a familiar with my sitch), and he would file for D himself.

On the practical and financial side is there any advantage to your divorcing him?

Yes and no.

If he would want to do this by the law of our no fault state with 50/50 rule, I would lose. I have a house that he signed off to me and that has some equity. On the other side, the condo that we still share jointly lost its value. I’m not even sure that if it is sold, the proceeds will cover what we own on the mortgage. Plus, I make a lot more than him (it’s been like that for at least 12 years now), so he could claim a spousal support. I doubt that he would, but considering his financial situation, he might go for it.

At the same time, I am building my savings (that was depleted after 1 year out of work), and also contributing to 401K and other benefits. I don’t know if this is going to be taken into consideration as well during the D. One lawyer told me one thing about this and another one told me the opposite. So, it could be that by delaying the D, I’m ricking to give away more and more. H is not contributing to his retirement in any way now. And what we have in our IRA accounts is about the same, with me having a bit bigger savings.

So, I don’t what is best for me right now. The best timing for D from the financial stand point (for me) was last year when I was out of work and he was making more money, plus the housing market was just starting to pick up.

I’m going to use my company benefit and get a consultation with the D attorney to ask all these questions. I’ve been procrastinating on this, because it just makes me more depressed and I have hard time to even setting an appointment.

[beatrice]

Bright - you ask me why I think you are still deeply emotionally attached.

I am not very good at going through a posting quote by quote, but your last posting has comments like

Originally Posted By: beatrice
As you know MLC is a long term and messy thing, and a good proportion of MLCers appear to never wake up to what they have left.

This is always a downer .

and

I’m going to use my company benefit and get a consultation with the D attorney to ask all these questions. I’ve been procrastinating on this, because it just makes me more depressed and I have hard time to even setting an appointment.

It is comments like this that cause me to believe that you are still strongly attached to your husband and marriage. I do not mean it critically at all, simply as an observation to be aware of.

I am not counselling you to give up hope - there is still a tiny part of me that hopes my xh wakes up one day - for his own sake and to give his kids some sort of closure, and possibly even closure for me. But the fact is that not all MLCers 'wake up', and we have to live our lives as if they won't, including our financial situation.

I really do not want to depress you!!

[BrightFuture]

Thanks Bea. I know that I've been whining a lot recently. I am probably depressing myself by allowing all these negative emotions. I feel like I've lost my footing a bit. Maybe because of the holidays, thinking that this the third holiday season, and it feels like I am still where I was three years ago. Actually, I was more optimistic back then. In more pain, but still with the hope. There is not much pain now, but also not much hope. It feels strange.

I need to regroup and move on.

[beatrice]

I think most of us have the 'it's not fair' feeling at times. And I do not see you as whining, just someone trying to come to terms with a dramatic change in their personal life.

It isn't as if we had much warning (despite the much vaunted hindsight) And the holidays don't make it easier for us.

You are really doing much better than you seem to give yourself credit for, and you are very emotionally honest.