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Jefe,

I am sorry about your grandmother. I do pray that she gets better with in-patient rehab. Not a fun thing for sure.

Originally Posted By: Jefe
Wife did not go home at all last night. OM3 85% confirmed this morning.


85% as opposed to what? What difference does that make to your course of action?

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The percentage does not change anything. The confirmation of OM3 and the not coming home is about to change her financial life and her access to some other things she currently enjoys, that's all.

Thanks for the support and advice everyone.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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Jefe, do not do things to "punish" or out of anger. I understand you're hurt but please when you make decisions do so because YOU are ready.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Twin you posted this on Arcola's thread: "Separate finances, make her choices a reality. As Starsky has told me you were fired from your job as a spouse."

This and removing the hotel concierge service with her laundry is all I am looking to do here.

I haven't been on and really posted and shared in a while. I've been so overwhelmed. I still am. I just wanted to blog right now and share some of my feelings and just get in on the screen so I can read it back and try to make some sense of all of it.

This last week since Thanksgiving has been an absolute blur.

Currently I'm not sure how many evenings the W spends at MIL's house and how many she spends somewhere else but I think the gap is growing. I could probably ask MIL but on the other hand, I don't think it's information I really want or can deal with at the moment.

Friday night I had my bi-weekly bible study and dinner. I stayed after the meeting with a few other's until very late. The OM3 information I discovered when I got home. I could tell from FB activity that my wife was awake so at 1:30 in the morning I tried to call her because I was going to set some boundaries with the money situation etc. I'm actually glad she never answered. So I just went to bed. I could not sleep no matter how hard I tried. I think I only got one solid hour.

I confirmed the next morning that she did not come home at all on my way to the monthly 7AM men's breakfast we have at the church. I talked to my sponsor, grand-sponsor, and one of the pastors while I was there, so I got some support. Since my mom had the girls I decided to go home and sleep for a few hours. During this time starting around 10AM the wife called 3 times in a short span, which I ignored since I was trying to sleep. She never texted, which was very strange. Next thing I know my MIL is at the house "checking" on me. I mean really strange. If she had texted I would have told her the deal. So I told MIL, I'm fine just trying to sleep and I'll talk to everyone later. The wife calls 3 more times and texts something to the effect of how worried I made her by calling in the middle of the night and now I wont answer my phone. I'm thinking if she was so worried, why'd it take nearly 9 hours for her to check? At any rate, by this point I just ignored the text. She seems overly worried about my call.

Later in the afternoon the kids came home, we played, ate dinner, went to the park. just had a good time and never heard from the W again the rest of the day.

So Sunday, while I'm in church and the W KNOWS I'm in church, she tries to call me. I ignored this call. I texted her as soon as we got in the truck and let her know that I was sorry for not answering earlier and the day prior. She immediately calls me. I can tell she's in the car driving. She wants to know why I didn't answer the day before and said she'd get the kids later. Then hung up.

She texted about the time she should have gotten them and said she'd be there at 4 because she didn't feel well and wanted to take a nap. So we made plans to go to the park. As we are about to leave, she texts back and says she'll be there at 3 because she is going to take the girls to get me a present from my birthday tomorrow. I said can you make it 3:30 please because we made plans. She answers back that she'll just come to the house and hang out till we get back. Huh? This is the same woman that threw a fit last week about hanging out.

We get back from the park just as she is pulling up. So, I have all of the girls stuff packed and was very prepared this time. She asked me what about their lunch because she didn't have anything. So I even had that covered. This was a turn key ready deal. But instead of grabbing them and leaving, she tells them to go watch TV because she wants to hang out and talk. During this we get on the subject of the funeral/memorial services for her aunt. I tell her I had just confirmed with the pastor this morning for a Jan 3rd service (The aunt's son/wife's cousin wants to wait till after Christmas and since she's being cremated I don't guess it matters.) So my wife makes a huge deal about it complaining that that is the same date as her pool play-off tournament and wants me to call her cousin and the pastor and see if we can find a different date. Really?

Later that evening she texts her cousin with this pool tourney diatribe and next thing I know he's texting me asking what in the hell my wife is thinking. I guess they exchanged a few heated texts. He called me later and we talked for almost an hour and he basically said that I was the best thing that ever happened to her. He also said right now he's done with her and he could care less if she comes to the service or not. Truly he does not even want her there. We are changing the date, but because of other conflicts he has. We both completely agreed that this is NOT the J******* that we both know and love.

It is so hard watching someone you love so much walk down a dark and destructive road knowing there is little you can do to stop them from making the choices they want to make. My heart aches.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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Originally Posted By: labug
Hey, Jefe, let go. Your W is going to do what she's going to do, nothing you do or say or think is going to change her direction. You're trying to hard to hold on to her, or who she was. Lovingly set some boundaries for yourself, start with a visitation agreement that works for everyone and turn away.



Jefe, ^^^this^^^. I really think a parenting agreement would do you so much good. It would give you some structure and predictability and I think you could really use that right now.

And here's a hug, too. (((Jefe)))



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Jefe, the reason why I told you to be careful not to do anything out of anger was not because the actual action doesn't need to occur but because you need to be emotionally ready to complete this without anger.

You need to be able to handle it like a business transaction and not come across as punishing to your wife. You have seen her lash out and **my** opinion is you are too emotional and it will come across as punishing and controlling which will make your wife run farther away.

Also your wife works (I don't know the breakdown but is she the "bread winner"? That changes the dynamics and also changes what advice personally I would give.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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I understand where you are coming from, and you are probably correct. I am so emotionally charged right now that it is wise that I do nothing and that's the counsel I am getting from my sponsor. He is agreeing that we need to move that direction but slowly and "for a time" whatever that means exactly.

She's not the "bread winner". She is finally making some money for the first time since we got married. She keeps and spends her money as "her" money and I have no direct access to it. She continues to expect that my money is and will be spent as "our" money.

She has started making her car payment. We took on another loan to replace the transmission in the car 3 weeks after we separated that she couldn't possibly afford right now and is still expecting that I pay for all of her gas. She is wanting some "living" cash this week but she can't or won't account for $450 missing from her paycheck a little over a week ago.

It is damned apparent after yesterday that the only person in this equation she is concerned about is her. Not me, not the kids, not our direct family, not even her own family.

So, I think this needs to happen, but it needs to happen correctly. If she wants to be a free and single woman and join the penis of the month club then she needs to put her big girl panties on and be responsible for that lifestyle and the financial, physical, and emotional consequences of it. I'm just too attached to deal with it right now.

All I can say is, I'm sorry, I wish I could follow this damn program better than I am. I suck at this.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
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Don't be sorry, I sucked at it too..... I had a very hard time not answering texts/calls when my H was living with OW. I was pregnant, angry, sad, tired, resentful, and so many other things.

Don't worry, I am still some of those things even now. (But now I can have a drink/smoke and every now and then scream at him, LOL)

My point is you NEED to find something to do that has NOTHING to do/remind you of your wife. Church is great but you just end up praying for her. Go find an activity that you normally wouldn't do


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Originally Posted By: Hope414
Originally Posted By: Jefe

OM3 85% confirmed this morning.


What does 85% confirmed mean?

Are you still seeing the counselor? If so, have you discussed this with him?

Also, we discussed setting up a network so you could call people when life starts to become stressful and overwhelming. Life sounds pretty stressful and overwhelming. Have you been able to call people in your network to discuss things?


I am still seeing the counselor. This information came about after I met with him last week. I'll see him again on Wed.

I have a support network, it's a little small but I have one. I've got too many people in my life telling me to dump her or go sleep with someone else, etc. Some of these people are my or her own family! I try to distance myself from them. I know what I want, I'm willing to wait, I'm not giving up. So I'll just sit right here on this rock, as CaliGuy would put it.

I have talked to my inner circle and they have been helping.

85% confirmed means that I did not actually witness her enter his home or him enter her, but there was evidence that they were going to meet-up later Friday night and I know she did not come home Friday night either. I also have a photo of them doing jello shots together much later (12:00 AM) Thanksgiving night after she left us.

I also have some loose evidence that she may have not been going home much at all. Take it for what its worth, which ain't much.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 485
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Man, you have a fertile imagination. Stop it!
Just because she's doing jello shots with someone doesn't mean she sleeping with him.

And are you snooping? Stop it! It does you no good.

Stop focusing on her. Especially stop focusing on her infidelity. What you focus on, grows.

Focus on yourself. Focus on being a better man. Detach from her. Don't let her moods affect yours.

Step back from your relationship with her. Way back. Make a plan to improve yourself. I know you have the 12 step program - keep working on that.

If all the time you spent worrying about what your WAW is up to was spend detached and improving yourself to be a better man, then you'd be doing better.

Like others have said, she'll do what she wants and you have no control over that so let it go. Be zen about it.

Focus on yourself. (Oh and on your kids)


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
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