newcomer now receives mail in Hell

[labug]

Have you ever been in counseling?

You bring your past up quite often and it sounds painful. I'm sure it's affecting you. We have no control over what happened in the past but we have all the control over how we handle the future.

[bravo61]

Yes Bug, I'm currently in counseling and have been since July. I've gotten SO much out of it and it has helped me work through my feelings of inadequacy within myself and the defensive coping skills I developed. Also it has done wonders with the anger issues I had.

[labug]

I'd forgotten that, it seems your past is still really haunting you.

[bravo61]

It's more regret that I hid from it for so long and it has helped me get to the place I am today. I just buried it and pretended I was fine. I have and will continue to address it as 25 would say "from this day forward".

[bravo61]

got a text from XW about the schedule of pickup of the kids tomorrow. i didn't answer so she had her brother (that's here visiting) text me and ask the same question (really?). texted her back and got that all squared away. she had also texted me earlier about picking up S at D's daycare on a date in a couple of weeks (guess she has to work overnight) and keeping him until 8a when she will be back. told her sure no problem. yeah, i couldv'e told her that i had to work late, or i couldn't do it and make her py but i don't want to be that person any more.

she has said before that she thinks that i will revert back after the D and she had a "plan" for that. whatever that means.

on a positive note, the big trip with the kids is starting tomorrow. really excited. i never thought that i would be taking my kids dogsledding by myself one day. well, we're gonna make our own "family" memories without the XW. she could've been a part of them but this is her choice. i am a little nervous about a 3 hr drive to a place i've never been before with two kids but you know what, that's what an adventure is! wish us luck!

[labug]

Why didn't you answer her text about your kids? What would you have thought if she'd done that to you?

[bravo61]

Bug, I didn't answer immediately, it wasn't that I had no intention of answering. Her brother texted me with the same question less than 20 minutes later. I was in another room(from my phone) trying to sleep for graveyard shift. She does do that from time to time (texts when she knows I'm sleeping or trying to) but that's fine, I actually expect it now.

If she had done that to me I would have believed she didn't want to hear from me. I think she takes her phone in the shower. I really would not feel much of anything as I almost never text her first. When I have the kids, I have the mindset that I'm on my own. I wouldn't contact her for help. Not out of spite, but I feel I have to have that mindset.

[bravo61]

hello all and Merry Christmas!

just keeping y'all up to date. the kids and i got back from our trip on wed 12/23. we had a GREAT time. there was really only one hitch in the trip. after dinner one night, we came out to my truck to a flat tire. not fun but an adventure nonetheless. it's funny that years down the road "that time we had a flat on vacation in Bend" will be one of the stories that they will remember.

we met up w/the XW and BIL on wed morning to go to the local mountain for snowtubing and Christmas Eve dinner. on the way out, she wanted to go by her apt office to pick up a package. i offered to run in and she immediately got pissed at me. i told her i was sorry just wanted to help as it was difficult for anyone else to get out. later on she apologized and said that her snap reaction was that i was trying to disregard her plan. i told her that after years of (her)feeling that way i could see her point and i was sorry to make her feel like that.

got the the mountain and had a great time snowtubing. she even went down with me several times. the kids had a blast and the BIL did too.

then we went to dinner. i had planned out and packed clothes for the kids and i to change into for dinner and packed them in a bag. she was SO impressed at the planning and attention to detail (another 180 that is second nature to me at this point). at dinner, i always let her pick her seat first (never used to & it was an unspoken sore spot for her). she picked her seat and then asked if i would like to sit by her. i did and then she asked the kids about the trip. the kids went on and on and even mentioned the tire. she was shocked (flat tire type snafus were always a huge source of stress to me/us) at how i handled everything. i didn't tell her how i handled anything, the kids were doing that. she looked me square in the eye and told me how proud she was of me and that it sounded awesome. she mentioned how she was afraid that i had been off to much to handle and she didn't think she could have done it by herself.she asked to see some of the pictures and wanted to see my FB page. she even commented on the outfits that i dressed the kids in. and that i had done none of these things and she would've been hard pressed to handle any of the things i did by myself. i mentioned to her that i'm gonna plan some other great trips for me and the kids (Canada and other national parks).she also wanted to share a bottle of wine and wanted us all to take a pic together. after dinner, i got them off the mountain safe in a driving snowstorm. she said that she had a great time and was interested in doing this as a tradition.

after i got them home, the kids went to bed and she called me back to bring my presents and to do the kids stockings. i got there and was working on the stockings when she noticed that i messed up with the paper and wrapped some gifts with same paper as "Santa" gifts. honest mix up on my part. she had made a deal few weeks ago about how in the past i would get gifts late in the game and the numbers would be off. i made sure i didn't do that this time, but apparently the paper is a huge deal too. she proceeded to ream me out. i told her i was sorry and it was a mistake and not intentional. and hey, the numbers are the same so i'm trying. she told me how Christmas is a huge deal to her because of her Grandmother (passed away). i told her again i was sorry. she was so heated that her bro told her to keep it down and not wake the kids.

i hated to be chewed out but i was kinda glad that someone else got to see it. i didn't lose my cool and say anything unkind back [even when she said "just because your family didn't have any traditions outside of leaving tags on gifts doesn't mean you can mess up mine-she was trying to make a joke (ha ha)]. i just said when i was done "ok, i'm gonna go". she said that i didn't have to leave and i just said simply that i did and i left.

she texted me later that she was sorry for being so ungracious. i told her that i forgive her and after so many years of me not realizing how hard she worked to make Christmas special, i could see how she would believe that i did things like that intentionally. and that looking back i can appreciate how hard she did work and what a fabulous job she always did. i was sorry for not looking past myself to notice it and i wish i could go back and do things differently. she said that this stuff was a particularly big deal to her and she never really explained to me how big. i told her that i wish i did know and i'd really like to know & that if its important to her its important and special and i don't want to do anything that doesn't support that. she thanked me and let me know that meant a lot to her. i told her thanks for letting me share the day with them and she affirmed that it was a great day.

i came over early for gifts.on the gift side, she got me three seasons of Downton Abbey. we had started watching it together before i moved out. i laughed and said that i was the only 40 year old man that would be watching it by himself. she said that i didn't have to watch it by myself and that she would watch it with me. i told her to just let me know when she wanted to. it was good to watch the kids open their gifts and she really liked the ones the kids got her. she loved the gift i got her and it was nice because i had no expectations for her in regard to the gift. when i left, i gave her a kiss on the cheek and she stiffened a little. i told her sorry that i didn't think about it. she said that it was fine and we hugged and i left.

man i miss my family.

Merry Christmas all!

[bravo61]

i will say that she sat between the kids in the back and when i would look in the rearview, i could see her face. man did she have a lot on her mind. she was thinking constantly. she had moments of looking very stressed. couple of times i looked, she looked back at me and smiled kinda sad sometimes real smiles. i know that she is stressed about her work schedule next month.

something interesting i forgot to mention.
the kids lately have been saying that mama is different and they know that i don't really like to talk about her or to her. they know i love their mom and they are getting scared that i'm moving on. they have both started saying "daddy, please don't give up on mama. please don't give up!"

tough to deal with...

[HPoirot]

I think you did a great job bravo61. Very composed and IMHO detached. You were noticing how your W reacted to your composure and care for your kids... but it seems you we're not working for her attention... you were just doing the right thing. Very inspirational. I like posts where LBS are interacting in stand up positive ways with their spouses. I'll do more to model your example.