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A Message from Michele
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Talking about sex starvation #2511269
11/26/14 09:55 PM
11/26/14 09:55 PM
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Wearyfr Offline OP
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Wearyfr  Offline OP
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Hi

Im not one for forums but as a sex starved women I get pretty lonely. As I don't feel like I can share talk about the issue with my friends.
Everything started great I thought id hit the jackpot but then it got worse and worse. I have tried to talk to my husband about it but the good intentions don't last long. After seeing Michelle talk on Ted talks I despaired as there were so many familiar things. My husband also watched it and was quite positive...To be honest right now I dont even know if I have any strength left in me at the moment as I have been going through a difficult time........ I just hoped that there might be some people out there who I could at least understand and give me an outlet. Is anyone else struggling with talking to there friend could this be a good outlet?

Re: Talking about sex starvation [Re: Wearyfr] #2511344
11/27/14 01:54 AM
11/27/14 01:54 AM
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ssmguy Offline
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Yes, lots of us sex-starved spouses out here! And it's usually more than that that's missing. It's the cuddling, physical playfulness etc. that's also missing. You know things are not good when the family dog gets more hugs and pats than you do!

So your husband hears the message, but there's no follow-up? That would be very typical.

Re: Talking about sex starvation [Re: ssmguy] #2511402
11/27/14 08:38 AM
11/27/14 08:38 AM
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Wearyfr Offline OP
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Hi ssmguy

To be honest my H is very loving in other ways.....loves a cuddle, a kiss, a play fight to be honest after reading other peoples stories almost made me feel ungrateful. Its the sex that lacking and to be honest the other things have waned a little too partly more because we don't make much time for each other but even when we did the sex has been an issue for years. To be honest I think its more about the effort and for him there always seems to be other things to do....disregard the pun!Or maybe thats just an excuse

I understand that many men are suffering but society seems much more willing to talk about the unwilling wife then visa versa and its not just an USA issue as Im in the UK. ssmguy do you have the support of your friends or is this just another myth that men sit around chatting about the wifes, games, sport and sex...?

Re: Talking about sex starvation [Re: Wearyfr] #2511802
11/28/14 10:12 PM
11/28/14 10:12 PM
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ssmguy Offline
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Talking with a friend helps for a while. But if you don't eventually solve the problem, even talking with a friend will seem old.

I know some men who talk to other men, or sit at the bar and complain to the bartender. In my case I spend more time talking to my female friends!

Yeah, the old "I have other things to do" is nothing more than a poor excuse. I don't know anybody who doesn't have stuff to do. The difference is that for people like me, SEX IS ALWAYS ONE OF THE THINGS TO DO.

Re: Talking about sex starvation [Re: ssmguy] #2511812
11/28/14 10:36 PM
11/28/14 10:36 PM
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DaddyLongShanks Offline
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Talk to people who are successfully having sex, this is the mindset you need. I wouldnt blab about your problem either.

Re: Talking about sex starvation [Re: Wearyfr] #2512667
12/02/14 02:13 AM
12/02/14 02:13 AM
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Young at Heart Offline
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Originally Posted By: Wearyfr


...Its the sex that lacking and to be honest the other things have waned a little too partly more because we don't make much time for each other but even when we did the sex has been an issue for years. To be honest I think its more about the effort and for him there always seems to be other things to do....disregard the pun!Or maybe thats just an excuse



There are lots of couples who still share intimacy into their 80's and 90's, but in different kinds of ways. There are lots of men who because of prostate cancer surgery are mostly impotent and still maintain a playful, loving, initmate relationship.

What I am trying to say are there things that "you" or "he" might view as "sex" that aren't sex in a traditional sence? Are there things that the two of you could do that would make you feel like you are getting the sex you need, while he gets a nice experience that he enjoys?

There are all kinds of "kinky" things that some view as sex that others don't. Foot fetish, domination/submission, tease & denial. All of these things can involve your orgasming while being "loved" by your H.

I suggest you do a little introspection to see what it is about the sex you aren't getting that you crave? Do you need to bring him to orgasm so you feel womanly? Do you crave sexual release? Do your crave his focusing his attension on you and in stimulating you while you surrender to those feelings? What is it that "sex" means to you and that you crave?

What do you think it is that your H needs and craves or fears. You say he loves to cuddle, kiss and wrestle. Is he so afraid of loosing an erection that he avoids that situation? Is he afraid of suffering a heart attack while making love to you? Does he have an STD that he doesn't want to share with you? Did he do something he thinks is evil and doesn't deserve you?

If he likes to kiss and touch and will get naked, you can observe his barometer of interest. Guys are pretty obvious after a certain amount of kissing and touching. If he rises to the ocasion, and doesn't act on it why? Then again, maybe you should just enjoy the act of getting him to rise to the ocassion and tell him how much that makes you feel close to him and how much it makes you feel like a woman.

Sex therapists are really good at cutting through a lot of the wasted posturing and getting to the core problems in an SSM. There are Sensate focus exercises, and other ways of confronting various problems in a way that allows small steps at success, which can lead to major changes.

Posting here is very theraputic. Finding out what it is that he really needs and really is afraid of is also important. Finding out what it is that you need is also important. When you have the answers to those questions, you can then figure out ways to condition each other to take small steps to rebuild your sexual relationship.

Good luck.


>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Re: Talking about sex starvation [Re: DaddyLongShanks] #2515021
12/08/14 11:42 AM
12/08/14 11:42 AM
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Wearyfr Offline OP
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Hi All

Thanks for the replies. To be honest I had a heart to heart with my H and least for now its been great. We both have started to reinvest in all parts of our relationship. Some are more difficult then others but I celebrate the small wins.


Re Young at heart, thank you for your full response. For me the feeling of sex is multiple but the main thing is a physical connection, closeness and orgasm.

For my husband I really think its about the effort, he has no issues standing to attention in fact he can keep going after orgasm two or three times (hence me thinking I hit the jackpot in the first paragraph) He likes to feel loved kissing and cuddling is a quick and easy way to achieve that feeling. I also personally love his arousal and I very lucky that I am easily excited and orgasm very easily, so even that should make life easy for us. This has been confirmed recently and when we get into it he loves it.. I think he maybe one of those people who needs to write "I love sex" So he can get past the initial feeling of its too much effort.

In our heart to heart he did say he doesnt feel like he has an outlet for his general daily irritations and since then we have been talking much more about the things that stress him, which I think has helped. We lost a pregnancy 2012 and had some counselling, she was a sex therpist but then we found out i was pregnant so we couldnt explore that area. I suggested that he returned to her so he could have an outlet for his emotions as I think this is where the issues lie, he said it was a good idea but no action yet.

However at the moment its been good and keeping the lines of communication open and making effort and time is proving positive. So even if it doesn't last I am making the most of it now.


Re
Originally Posted By: DaddyLongShanks
Talk to people who are successfully having sex, this is the mindset you need. I wouldnt blab about your problem either.


Personally I didn't think the comment above was very helpful. I don't see talking about this issue as blabbing, which has very negative connotations. Its a very difficult situation for all involved and can feel very lonely and isolating. I know that talking doesn't solve the problem but obviously people need a connection. Otherwise why are we here? Society is much more comfortable talking about the inadequacies of women but not men and the love and respect for my husband leaves me in a difficult position even with my closest friends. You cant have a nice cup of tea and a rant with a laptop!

Re: Talking about sex starvation [Re: Wearyfr] #2515176
12/08/14 07:20 PM
12/08/14 07:20 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 570
Washington, the State
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Young at Heart Offline
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Originally Posted By: Wearyfr
....To be honest I had a heart to heart with my H and least for now its been great. We both have started to reinvest in all parts of our relationship.

...For me the feeling of sex is multiple but the main thing is a physical connection, closeness and orgasm.

For my husband I really think its about the effort...

.. I think he maybe one of those people who needs to write "I love sex" So he can get past the initial feeling of its too much effort.

In our heart to heart he did say he doesnt feel like he has an outlet for his general daily irritations and since then we have been talking much more about the things that stress him, which I think has helped.

...I suggested that he returned to her (sex therapist) so he could have an outlet for his emotions as I think this is where the issues lie, he said it was a good idea but no action yet.

However at the moment its been good and keeping the lines of communication open and making effort and time is proving positive. So even if it doesn't last I am making the most of it now.....


Sounds like you made huge progress. Congratulations on having a talk with him and keeping it up. Yes, do follow up with the sex therapist, they can really help based on what they did for my wife and me.

Good luck and enjoy hour H during the holiday season!


>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Re: Talking about sex starvation [Re: Wearyfr] #2523792
01/06/15 12:57 AM
01/06/15 12:57 AM
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Posts: 2,257
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DaddyLongShanks Offline
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Originally Posted By: Wearyfr
Hi All

Thanks for the replies. To be honest I had a heart to heart with my H and least for now its been great. We both have started to reinvest in all parts of our relationship. Some are more difficult then others but I celebrate the small wins.


Re Young at heart, thank you for your full response. For me the feeling of sex is multiple but the main thing is a physical connection, closeness and orgasm.

For my husband I really think its about the effort, he has no issues standing to attention in fact he can keep going after orgasm two or three times (hence me thinking I hit the jackpot in the first paragraph) He likes to feel loved kissing and cuddling is a quick and easy way to achieve that feeling. I also personally love his arousal and I very lucky that I am easily excited and orgasm very easily, so even that should make life easy for us. This has been confirmed recently and when we get into it he loves it.. I think he maybe one of those people who needs to write "I love sex" So he can get past the initial feeling of its too much effort.

In our heart to heart he did say he doesnt feel like he has an outlet for his general daily irritations and since then we have been talking much more about the things that stress him, which I think has helped. We lost a pregnancy 2012 and had some counselling, she was a sex therpist but then we found out i was pregnant so we couldnt explore that area. I suggested that he returned to her so he could have an outlet for his emotions as I think this is where the issues lie, he said it was a good idea but no action yet.

However at the moment its been good and keeping the lines of communication open and making effort and time is proving positive. So even if it doesn't last I am making the most of it now.


Re
Originally Posted By: DaddyLongShanks
Talk to people who are successfully having sex, this is the mindset you need. I wouldnt blab about your problem either.


Personally I didn't think the comment above was very helpful. I don't see talking about this issue as blabbing, which has very negative connotations. Its a very difficult situation for all involved and can feel very lonely and isolating. I know that talking doesn't solve the problem but obviously people need a connection. Otherwise why are we here? Society is much more comfortable talking about the inadequacies of women but not men and the love and respect for my husband leaves me in a difficult position even with my closest friends. You cant have a nice cup of tea and a rant with a laptop!


You don't "blab" about it because the ones who aren't having sex will think your just complaining and the ones who are will likely think you have some deficiency why your partner will not have sex with you.

I'd converse with people in a similar situation who are happy and who are having sex.


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