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#2515119 12/08/14 05:16 PM
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So, on our 19th anniversary, my wife informed me that she is involved with another person and is conflicted. We have 2 children, a 9 year old and a 5 year old. She says she loves this person and wants the freedom to have an affair with her. This was never on our radar and never discussed and I said no.

Needless to say, I was blindsided, incredibly hurt, furious, all of the above. I told her she had to move out in October which she joyfully did. I thought move out meant a hotel room, but she really moved out.

She continues to see the affair partner but it is a relationship that she claims did not end our marriage. It just helped her to see how "broken and unsatisfying" our marriage really was. She claims she has not been happy for years. She admits that it was a shitty way to handle it, but she should have left me years ago.

My life has been turned upside down, I am in shock, can't eat, sleep or function well. She seems to relish all of my misery too. I have made the mistakes of begging, we can work this out, our marriage is stronger than this, please don't do this to the children, etc...

I honestly thought our marriage was good, we had some normal marriage issues, but nothing that indicated this. She claims I was not emotionally there for her, shut her out etc.... While I could have been more attentive to her, I was home every night and we were living our normal lives and I was happy. She now says she needed more.

Her affair partner she met at work, is also married with two kids who is conflicted about her marriage too. The affair partner was apparently in an open relationship which is what this whole situation started as.

What advice to any board members give? I have flailed, been suicidal, and now just am numb. What are my options now? Just go dark? File for divorce? She doesn't want me to file for divorce, not to make anything permanent. This tells me she just wants her cake and wants me to be the back up. I don't think I am even the back up at this point, she told me to just watch her walk away and there is nothing I can do.

Heart broken and dumped.


Was made a better person by DB'ers
HeavyD #2515153 12/08/14 06:53 PM
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Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.


Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2515288 12/09/14 12:07 AM
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How am I supposed to measure progress if I go dark? Is progress measured in time spend together? Times she contacts me? Emails to me?

I am unsure of his to gauge any movement if I don't communicate with her.

I am having to sit on my hands to not text or call her. This is very hard for me.

Together 19 years
9 year S
5 year old D
Bomb Dropped - Sept 2014
Affair with OW - Sept 2014
Moved Out - Oct 2014
Status - Separated Dec 2014


Was made a better person by DB'ers
HeavyD #2515537 12/09/14 05:29 PM
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Originally Posted By: NAJ1964
How am I supposed to measure progress if I go dark?
Is progress measured in time spend together?
Times she contacts me?
Emails to me?

I am unsure of his to gauge any movement if I don't communicate with her.

I am having to sit on my hands to not text or call her. This is very hard for me.

Together 19 years
9 year S
5 year old D
Bomb Dropped - Sept 2014
Affair with OW - Sept 2014
Moved Out - Oct 2014
Status - Separated Dec 2014

PATIENCE is DB101.

This is a marathon not a sprint.

I understand how hard it is and I can only say that
if your goal is speed - you will fail.

TRUST the PROCESS.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2515562 12/09/14 06:25 PM
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Trust the process - jeez

What is the process? I think it is to step back, go dark, let her make her own decisions and try to be a better person?

Again, how do I judge progress or setbacks? Is an email from her regarded as progress? Time spent together is progress?

Thanks for helping me define what progress is.


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HeavyD #2515570 12/09/14 06:49 PM
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Hi,

I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. A coach can also direct you regarding measuring progress & how to proceed. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Cristy #2515661 12/09/14 10:00 PM
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You have two kids together.

What kind of DAD are you?
How can you improve that?

DBing is doing things that might be counter intuitive.

She TOLD you that it is over.
Do you believe everything she says?
Did you read my first post?
What CAN you CONTROL?
What can you NOT CONTROL?
Time to focus on YOU, that is who you can CONTROL.
How can YOU be a better person?

I understand that this is all not easy.

Keep Posting


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2515684 12/09/14 11:25 PM
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I am working on being the best parent (we are a lesbian couple) I can be. I am spending way more time with my kids and their school projects, play time, play dates, birthday parties, laundry, etc... I can honestly say I am better and more involved parent now. I have a better relationship with both of my kids.

No, everything she says is not gospel, I know that. She does love being in charge and telling me what to do however. She has told me that she has been unhappy for years and now that she has her affair partner, she has the courage to leave. WTF. I have spent our 19 year relationship/marriage trying to make her happy so that really hurts.She actually said "enjoy watching me leave". Why does it have to be so hateful and mean?"

I can control only me and am keeping all communication short and business like. We were communicating via texts, emails, phone calls, and a flurry of half baked communication which led to frustration and confusion. Communicating via emails prevents me from losing my cool which is a positive step. I have requested we only email now. That feels like I am more in control and can communicate more effectively. She is also mad that we argued and fought pretty awfully when she told me that she was having an affair. Isn't that how everyone reacts when they are told their wives are having affairs?

I can't control her or her affair. I hate every single aspect of that situation but it is out of my hands. I admit I am a jealous person. I can't control that she is living in an apartment and away from the family.

I am working on being more social and have joined meetup. I am forcing myself to get out of the house and do things that I enjoy, either with friends or by myself. I am learning to face my fears about trusting myself and putting myself out there more. It is hard for me as I have paid 100% attention to my wife and family and making our life work (bills, career, etc...). She of course has lots of friends and has no problems socializing.


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HeavyD #2515774 12/10/14 05:53 AM
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Hi Naj (is it ok that I shortened your name?)

First, I'm sorry that you are here. But there's a great group of people here who can offer support to you,

Second, have you read either of the books? A lot of things you have asked about, progress, trusting the process, etc is within the books. I actually need to re-read DR to remind myself of a few points and redefine some goals.

It sounds like emotions are really high, on both you and your W's part. I can empathize. When my H and I started this journey a few months ago, every conversation he had resulted in him screaming at me. LITERALLY. And then I would get emotional and he would scream more and it became a merry go round of dysfunction. Even though it hurts, I think the limited contact that we have (and we are on next to no contact) is helping tempers calm down, giving space, calming the storm. So I think communicating via email is a good idea for you right now.

Learn to detach (boy is it not easy) and when your W talks, listen to what they're saying. Follow Sandi's rules, but keep in mind they aren't set in stone.

cadet is right when you say you are being given a gift. And 99% of us probably thought "eff this gift." But truly, embrace what you are feeling, learn about how you were in your marriage, about who you are as a person. Dig deep, if not for your M but for yourself. I've learned more about myself in the two weeks that I've posted here.

Ready to do this?

PS - you might want to add details in your signature line to help people easily identify your situation.


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
Calibri #2515775 12/10/14 05:55 AM
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PS - you might want to see if the mods could move your thread to the newcomers section. You'll get more eyes on your situation. Keep posting.


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
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