2015

[tadpole1025]

Hi everyone. It was time for a new thread already. My previous thread can be found here:

Friend or Friendly?

It's hard to believe that I'm starting yet another thread. I really thought that I would be "done" and off this board by now.

The latest:

My little rattie continues to slowly improve. They are both getting old and feeble, but the one that was really going down hill has improved. I've really babied her this last week and I think the medicine that I've given her along with adjusting and keeping a close eye on her diet has helped. To think that I almost jumped the gun and had her put down.....So glad that I didn't. uRworthy, if you are reading this, I agree with what you said in my last thread about them coming into my life to help get me through the past couple of years. They are so loveable and sweet. I love them so much.

S20 spent a rare weekend with XW. She sent about two dozen cupcakes home with him. I really wish she wouldn't do things like that. Maybe she is just being nice, but sometimes I think she is doing it just to remind me that she is still "out there." Especially since she has accused me lately of "ignoring her." She told S20 that she wasn't going to eat all of them. So....why make so many?

I work in the broadcast center for a major satellite tv provider and I see a lot of tv at work. I've seen and heard a lot of Christmas music lately just being at work. This is the first year since bomb drop that Christmas music hasn't really bothered me. It still makes me feel sad at times and brings back a lot of good memories and makes me long for what I had, but it has been a little easier this year.

I titled this thread 2015 because also for this first time since bomb drop, I've come up with a few New Year's resolutions and thought that I would share.

* Stop smoking
* Lose weight and get down to pre bomb-drop weight
* Repair my relationship with God (MAYBE - still undecided about this)
* Get out more (Even if I have to force myself - no excuses)
* Join a gym
* Save $100 per month
* Convince my "friend" at work to have lunch with me!
* Re-connect with old friends
* Take a few road trips

Anyways, that's all for now.

Tad

[job]

Tad,
I am happy to read that your baby is still improving, slowly but surely. As uR pointed out, they came into your life to help you get thru the rough patches. Everything happens for a reason and it is not our place to question the why, what ifs, etc. I'm just glad they were there to help you when you needed help.

Tad, you took a lot of hard knocks in the last few years and it's going to take some time to find your footing once again and to be perfectly honest w/you, I think you were putting too much pressure on yourself if you thought you'd be off the board by now. Feelings can't be turned off and it takes time to heal.

As for the cupcakes, either eat them or toss them, but she may very well have baked too many and there was probably nothing more on her mind than to send them home w/her son. She knows that all of you live together and probably none of you bake, so look at it as a nice gesture and let it go.

I'm glad to read that the Christmas music isn't bothering you like it use to. That's a sign of healing. Keep those good memories in your heart because they truly were good ones and no one can take them away from you.

I like your resolutions. Sounds like you are truly on your way to healing. Keep up the good work!

[tadpole1025]

Thank you Job.

Tad, you took a lot of hard knocks in the last few years and it's going to take some time to find your footing once again and to be perfectly honest w/you, I think you were putting too much pressure on yourself if you thought you'd be off the board by now. Feelings can't be turned off and it takes time to heal.

True. Just a little upset with myself. Upset that I let XW take this much of my life away and beat me down this bad. However, it can't all be blamed on her. Some is my fault and some is all the other stuff that has happened in the past few years....

Tad

[uRworthy]

Hey Tad, glad your pet is doing a bit better.

You know, T, it took me a long time to walk this journey. There were times when I thought, man, why did I waste so much time figuring it out.

But the truth of it is, I believe it happened exactly as it was supposed to. I wouldnt have learned what I did, healed and grown if it happened any other way.

About the cupcakes...who cares what she sent them home? Not you, right, because you have a new job, a new friend and great sons and pets.

Looking back over your shoulder stops the forward motion in us. Keep your eyes ahead. You never know what you will see.

[AJM]

S20 spent a rare weekend with XW. She sent about two dozen cupcakes home with him. I really wish she wouldn't do things like that. Maybe she is just being nice, but sometimes I think she is doing it just to remind me that she is still "out there." Especially since she has accused me lately of "ignoring her." She told S20 that she wasn't going to eat all of them. So....why make so many?

I work in the broadcast center for a major satellite tv provider and I see a lot of tv at work. I've seen and heard a lot of Christmas music lately just being at work. This is the first year since bomb drop that Christmas music hasn't really bothered me. It still makes me feel sad at times and brings back a lot of good memories and makes me long for what I had, but it has been a little easier this year.

Why not just let the cupcakes be cupcakes, Tad? I suspect your instinct is right - she wants you to know she is still out there. Not forgotten. The thing that gets me is that it bothers you. That's her issue, not yours and you know that. I say let it go as a nice gesture for the kids and leave it at that. You do want her to try and connect with the boys, for their sake, right?

True. Just a little upset with myself. Upset that I let XW take this much of my life away and beat me down this bad. However, it can't all be blamed on her. Some is my fault and some is all the other stuff that has happened in the past few years....

This ^^^ is a really good sign, Tad. Sometimes I think I come back here to see your progress - it warms my heart to see you healing, Tad. It really does. I've seen more and more healing as time goes on. In fact, I admire that you're still standing upright, Tad. I think there's more to go, but the momentum is and has been there. And it's building. I like seeing that in your posts.

Nice list by the way. Here's to 2015!

AJ

[sunshinelewis]

Very wise people here Tad.
I for one think you are reading to much into the things she does. I feel u are still deep down inside hoping things like the cupcakes incident is a sign that she is coming around.
Tad....she has four children with you and she will prb send things like this as long as they live with you. She is trying to be part of their lives AND possibly, from her comments, is hoping you and she can be parents on a friendly basis. In her head she don't understand why u can't be friendly, as much as you don't understand why u would be. We all know it's hard to do, but Tad she has been several months ahead of you emotionally, maybe even years, for a long tine. You aren't there yet.
You have come a very long way and it only gets easier from here. Eventually u won't care what she sends home. You will be healed. You will be a much improved Tad while she hasn't made any progress within herself.
As for your sons speaking about her and telling u things. You have to be careful here. You don't want them to think they can't mention their mom around you, you are still their parents. They need to feel comfortable about coming to you. BUT when they start informing you of things that are of no concern to u, gently change the subject. This will get better as they get older and time goes on. ALL this will become easier.
Great resolutions! Haven't set mine yet.
Oh, ans as for God, I really hope you become closer with him. He has never left your side Tad. We can't see the future, but He can......remember that.

[Wonka]

Tad,

I'd be like..."oh yea! I'll take those cupcakes! Thank you very much" and devour them slowly.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Ur, AJ, Renee and Wonka.

Looking back over your shoulder stops the forward motion in us. Keep your eyes ahead. You never know what you will see.

True. Easier said than done, but getting easier all the time.

Sometimes I think I come back here to see your progress - it warms my heart to see you healing, Tad. It really does. I've seen more and more healing as time goes on. In fact, I admire that you're still standing upright, Tad. I think there's more to go, but the momentum is and has been there. And it's building. I like seeing that in your posts.

Thanks AJ. Yeah, you and a few others have stuck by since the beginning and I thank you all for that. I can look back 4,3,2 and even 1 year ago and see the progress. FINALLY getting better. It has been a long and painful road. Wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy.

I for one think you are reading to much into the things she does. I feel u are still deep down inside hoping things like the cupcakes incident is a sign that she is coming around.

Not really. While it would be nice to atleast get an apology someday and while I really miss and want what I had, I can honestly say that I want what I had, but I don't want it with her. I just don't. I don't think I could ever be with her again simply because I could never trust her ever again. I don't EVER want to be with someone and have to worry where she is or who she is with. That trust is broken and I'd never trust her again no matter how bad I would want to.

In her head she don't understand why u can't be friendly, as much as you don't understand why u would be.

Seriously? If she doesn't know why we can't be friends, then she really is nuts. I can't be friends with someone who did what she did. She didn't just do it to me either. She hurt me, our boys, family and friends. I'm sorry, but I can't.

Oh, as for God, I really hope you become closer with him.

That will take some work on my part. We'll see.

I'd be like..."oh yea! I'll take those cupcakes! Thank you very much" and devour them slowly.

Hahaha. Nope. I haven't touched anything that she has sent. Nothing. Even some of the things that she KNOWS I like. I won't touch. However, the little furbabies have enjoyed a thing or two. Not me.

Other stuff:

My "friend" and I still have some great conversations. She told me last night that she has also had her heart broken. I didn't know this until last night. She also said that I'm a lot of fun and that she trusts me. Says she looks forward to the times we work together because I'm so nice to talk to and I make the time go by. Said she has never married because she wants to be absolutely sure about the guy, and she hasn't found the good one yet. She says all of these wonderful things about me, enjoys talking to me, I can make her laugh and smile but......she won't even let me take her out because we work together. What gives???

Tad

[Wonka]

Tad,

I want to comment about your thoughts on not appreciating gifts from XW. Why not? It's not like she's surreptitiously trying to poison your food. Your mind automatically goes to the "bad column" when you receive gifts from XW. For other people, you appreciate them.

Perhaps it is time for to think about burying the hatchet with XW for your own wellbeing. Holding on to that slow-burning anger isn't doing you any good.

My parents, when they first divorced, were not on speaking terms. Their divorce was pretty acrimonious. I broke the ice by calling my stepmother one day and she came right over as my father, out of his own pain, forbidden any contact with me. That day, when my father walked in the door and saw us chatting in the living room, he looked like someone had punched him and I saw him take a step or two backwards in utter shock at the scene before him.

Over time, they slowly began to talk again and became friends. Then later they reconciled for a while and then broke off for good. They remained friends and spoke on the phone frequently. Whenever I was in town, the three of us would get together at my father's house to chat and shoot the breeze.

The point I am making here is that they decided to move past the pain of their D and bury the hatchet. In several ways, they healed from the pain and forgave each other (not verbally or directly) in their own ways.

Please try to be the bigger man here and take the first step by saying a simple "thank you" for whatever small trinket/gift XW sends your way.

My "friend" and I still have some great conversations. She told me last night that she has also had her heart broken. I didn't know this until last night. She also said that I'm a lot of fun and that she trusts me. Says she looks forward to the times we work together because I'm so nice to talk to and I make the time go by. Said she has never married because she wants to be absolutely sure about the guy, and she hasn't found the good one yet. She says all of these wonderful things about me, enjoys talking to me, I can make her laugh and smile but......she won't even let me take her out because we work together. What gives???

Tad

I suspect that this "friend" is using the guise of work as a shield to protect herself from potential hurt. She's really missing out on you. Or perhaps she just sees you as a really good friend. You know, men and women can be good friends without sex. I think sex complicates things!

Workplace romances can be a tricky thing to navigate. If things don't work out between you two, then what? Exactly. I personally have this rule myself too...I don't get involved with co-workers. Actually I told one woman this many, many years ago. I learned later on that she quit this job so she could date me and she DID! Haa.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Wonka.

I want to comment about your thoughts on not appreciating gifts from XW. Why not? It's not like she's surreptitiously trying to poison your food. Your mind automatically goes to the "bad column" when you receive gifts from XW. For other people, you appreciate them.

Perhaps it is time for to think about burying the hatchet with XW for your own wellbeing. Holding on to that slow-burning anger isn't doing you any good.

I don't think it has anything to do with anger. I just....I don't know...I'm more disgusted by her right now than anything. She turned into someone that I don't want to be with or even be friends with. The person that I knew is dead. I'll be nice if spoken to but...that's it. No more. Saying or texting a "thank you" is more than I can do right now. I find it easier/better for ME to have absolutely no contact at all. None. It's not to be mean or to get back at her or to punish her or anything like that. It's just better for ME. It makes MY life easier.

XW's sister married a man and cheated and got pregnant by another man. She divorced her husband and then 3-4 years later, married the same man AGAIN and cheated AGAIN, left this poor man AGAIN and married some other guy. Are they still friends? Believe it or not, they are. They went bowling together a week ago. And yes, she is still married to the guy she left him for. My take? This guy is a fool. He still loves her and I totally get that, but he is a fool in my eyes. Of course, XW doesn't understand why we can't have a relationship like her sister has with the guy she married twice and cheated on twice. Sorry, I can't do that. Do I still love XW? I guess I do to an extent. But.....I don't want anything to do with her and don't want to open myself to any more hurt/anger. I've had enough.

I suspect that this "friend" is using the guise of work as a shield to protect herself from potential hurt. She's really missing out on you.

Maybe. She has been hurt before and that could be why she still has not married. Can't really say that I blame her.

Workplace romances can be a tricky thing to navigate. If things don't work out between you two, then what?

True, but out of a 40-hour week, we only see each other for 4 hours and only work TOGETHER for 2 of those hours.

I get the feeling that she has been hurt really bad. She told me her last X cheated with multiple women. I don't blame her for being cautious but....I would just like to take her to lunch. She thinks I'm a lot of fun. Think how much fun I could be OUTSIDE of work.....

Tad

[AJM]

Tad. Personally, I read that and smiled.

You are being very honest about things. About how YOU feel. About YOU.

I like it, and I get it. It's what works for YOU and that's important.

AJ

[MrBond]

Let it go Tad. Let it go. You really need to work on that for your own sake.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks AJ.

MrBond - Let what go?

Not having contact is good for me. It works. I'm not sure what you mean. As I've said, it is best this way. Maybe someday, but not right now. Then again, maybe not. Maybe I'm just becoming indifferent and healing.

Tad

[Wonka]

Tad,

You are not indifferent by a long shot. You're still bothered by XW's actions or inactions. Very, very much so that it messes around with your head.

Fer cryin' out loud, you were upset about HER cupcakes!!!!

[tadpole1025]

Not really upset with them. Just wish she would quit doing things like that. Will I send her a "thank you?"

No.

Tad

[Wonka]

Just wish she would quit doing things like that.

Why? Really dig deep...why?

Why does that BOTHER you so much, Tad?

It is all on you because you do chose how to react. It is on you, buddy. Change your thoughts and your reactions will be neutral, happy, sad, angry. All of this originates in your noggin.

Please allow me to demonstrate how one's thoughts drives one's reactions:

Damn XW...she sent me cupcakes. Why would she do THAT to me? She's evil because she walked away from me and the boys. She can rot in hell for all I care!!

OR

How neat...that's a nice gesture from XW. Yummy...can't wait to scarf down those cupcakes.


This is precisely what Bond was referring to earlier: Let. Go.

Seriously.

Every time you post here about XW, it is all with a negative slant. One would think she's Cruella DeVille who likes spotted puppies from reading your posts.

Forgive.
Forgive.

Forgive for yourself. Seek peace.

Mind you, I've forgiven Ms. Wonka for the hurt she's caused me, BUT BUT it doesn't mean that I forget. In short, I am no longer a prisoner of my own pain. I've set myself free by forgiving both myself and Ms. Wonka.

You might want to check out this powerful book from Hay House (it costs about $20.00 bucks):

Forgiveness: 21 Days to Forgive Everyone for Everything by Iyanla Vanzant

[tadpole1025]

Very true Wonka. So true but.......couldn't this:

Damn XW...she sent me cupcakes. Why would she do THAT to me? She's evil because she walked away from me and the boys. She can rot in hell for all I care!!

OR

How neat...that's a nice gesture from XW. Yummy...can't wait to scarf down those cupcakes.

just as easily be:

"Damn. XW sent cupcakes again. That's nice, but I wish she wouldn't because I don't want anything to do with her or anything from her and really don't like being reminded of her."

Is she expecting a thank you? I don't know and quite honestly, I really don't care. It is my choice to say nothing.

Do I still hurt from time to time? Absolutely and there is no need to open the door for more hurt or anger.

As I've said, I don't need her garbage/drama/niceness/spew and to be honest, my life is much better without it.

"She" is dead.

Tad

[Lifes Twists]

Tad, you spend a lot of time trying to read into what she does and what she wants. It should have been about 2 seconds out of your life, " Oh, she made cupcakes, yum," and left it at that. If your neighbor lady made and dropped off some cupcakes, would you spend this amount of time trying to analyze her actions and what the cupcakes meant and what she was expecting in return. Its a hard habit to break, I know I am still working on it, but well worth the effort. When she sends things home think to yourself," nice that she did that for the kids," and then let it go. Look at it as do you want to see things half full or half empty? You need to catch yourself each time and force yourself to do this. It will bring you a lot of peace.

[AJM]

Tad, people are calling you out on the feelings you have toward otherwise innocuous actions. I'm sure if she was somebody else you'd think "gee, that was nice." But it's not. You can pretend but why would you?

I think that's part of what you're asking.

For now, I'm glad to see that you're thinking about YOU and what YOU want regardless of what she is or isn't doing.

You are still somewhat reactive to her. You aren't done if you're still affected by her actions even if it is to prefer that she just go away.

I'm ok with the idea that you're progressing vs. backsliding. Keep it up!

AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone. Yes AJ it is about what I want and at the moment I want nothing from her.

Funny thing is, all I really said was "I wish she would quit doing that." Why? Because as I said above, I want nothing from her and nothing to do with her.

I'm confused.

Everyone on this board preaches "do what is best for you" and "work on you" and "look out for you." That is what I'm doing. It is best for me this way.

She hurt me really, really bad. Very bad. I'm better if things are this way.

Also, detachment and no contact....that is what I'm doing and it works.

It seems like everyone tells me to do what is best for me and then when I do, "I'm not letting go" or I "need to forgive" or I need to quit "wondering" about her actions.

I'll admit. I do still react to her, but it is not as bad as it was in the past and I react less if I avoid her altogether.

I am progressing, but still not there. As of right now, this is what works for me. Maybe someday things will change but for now, this is the way that it has to be.

For me.

Tad

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Say what you will, that's the first time I have seen Tad with teeth. : )

Good for you Tad, keep it up.

[uRworthy]

Me too, Jack......I like.

[job]

I agree w/Jack. This is the first time that I've seen you actually "snarl and show your spunk". This is a Tad I've not seen before and I like to see you step up to the plate and strongly express yourself.

Keep up the good work!

[Wonka]

Tad,

Is it safe for me to kiss your cheek now?

[tadpole1025]

Sure Wonka.



Thanks everyone. I really wasn't trying to "bite" back or anything like that. I was just trying to be honest about how I felt and what works best for me.

Blabbering:

I'm sooooo tired of the ups and downs. I've had a few bad days, but believe it or not, it has nothing to do with XW. Nowadays, it seems to revolve around my little ratties. They are both old and one has been very sick lately. A few days ago, she was doing better and even eating solid food. She has since taken a down turn. I wouldn't be so upset if she just went to sleep, but she seems to be suffering and I hate to see any animal suffering. It's not a constant thing, but off and on breathing issues as if she is having really bad asthma attacks. I am buying her an inhaler when I get off work in the morning.

My company Christmas party started at 6:00 last night. I almost didn't go because she was having a bad episode, but went anyways because I need to start getting out. I feel terrible about it though. I should have stayed there and tried to make her comfortable.

I am now at work and according to S20, she is doing a little better and resting. But.....I'll be working for another 7 hours before I get back home. I'm really worried about her and feel bad for her. There has been a few times over the last two days that I thought she was going to die in my arms. It is really going to break my heart when she goes. She (along with her sister) is my best friend.

When she has the attacks, she crawls to me and tries to get on my shoulder. She'll let out a few squeaks and then looks at me with her little red eyes like "aren't you going to do anything?" That's when I usually turn the shower on and steam the bathroom. I'll sit in there with her for a few minutes and it usually helps, but the last two attacks were a little more severe.

I have prayed and PRAYED and PRAYED for God to take her peacefully with no suffering and pain, but for some reason, God doesn't like answering my prayers.

I know that she is just a rat, but I love her and she has been a great comfort and even therapy to me. As I said....my best friend.

I sometimes feel foolish for feeling the way I do and I'm sure there are people that understand, but I'm also sure that there are a lot of people that don't understand or don't "get it." Feeling the way I do just doesn't feel right but....that could also be from the way I was raised.

A friend of mine at work who knows a little about my sitch says what a lot on here have said. He says that it is good to be that way because it shows that I have a heart. I sometimes wonder though if it would be better if I didn't have one....or atleast easier.

Tad

[LouR]

Oh Tad, you break my heart :o(

she s not "just a rat", she is - as you said - your best friend, she has got you through some terribly tough times. It is so sad to have to say goodbye to our pets, take comfort in knowing that she has had a very happy life, you made sure of that.

It sounds like you are making her as comfortable as possible -a sign of a very loving owner.

I wish her and you peace.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Lou.



To be honest, I NEVER even planned on getting attached to them. I just thought they were cute and would be fun to have. They are so tame. I've held them since day one when they were still getting mother's milk and before they even had hair and their eyes were still closed. They were a little smaller than my pinky finger.

We fell in love with each other. As many on this board and my therapist have pointed out, they gave me unconditional love. They can't/won't hurt me. I think that is why I got so attached.

They are awesome little girls...

[tadpole1025]

Just journaling...

My sick little furbaby had her best day today in two weeks! She had a little more energy, her appetite appears to be back and she only had one very minor breathing episode. 24 hours ago, I thought she was on her way out. I hope she continues to improve.

S20 finally got a job! It's part-time, but atleast he is working.

I found out about an hour ago that one of my former radio buddies passed away yesterday. He was only a few years older than me. A source told me that he went through pretty much the same garbage that I did with XW except his was much more recent taking place earlier this year.

That's all for now. Just thought I'd check in.

Tad

[job]

Tad,
I'm very happy that your little one is still w/you. She's a tough little trooper who loves bring w/you and she knows you will do whatever it takes to keep her safe and healthy.

That's good news that your son is finally working, even if it's part time. That's a start and now he'll have some spending money and maybe help out just a bit with expenses. One more thing off your mind for now.

Sorry about your radio buddy. Had he been ill? What we've all gone through really does tax the body in so many ways and that's why we encourage the plenty of sleep, drink plenty of fluids, exercise and GAL. I know it takes a lot of time to get to the other side and we tend to forget to take care of ourselves until something like this makes us realize that we have to do it because no one else will take care of us.

Tad, you've had a rough time of it, but you are slowly turning things around and the progress is telling in your postings. The new year is around the corner and I do think that things will continue to turn around for you and your sons. Keep at it! I think you are doing very well.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks for responding Job.

As far as I understand, my radio buddy was a suicide.

Tad

[job]

I am very sorry to hear that. We've had a lot of men commit suicide here this year. Depression was the main factor in most of them.

Tad, I am really sorry about your buddy. I'm glad you came here so that everyone could help you through your situation.

[Wonka]

Tad,

Geez...that is hard. A lot of people feel there's no way out but suicide.

Enjoy whatever time you have with your fur babies. Enjoy them to the fullest.

Attaboy to S20! That age is a challenge trying to navigate adulthood and wanting to be independent yet still have that "little boy" feeling at home.

[tadpole1025]

Thank you Job and Wonka.

I am very sorry to hear that. We've had a lot of men commit suicide here this year. Depression was the main factor in most of them.

So sorry to hear that. Anyone I know? If you don't want to say, I understand.

Geez...that is hard. A lot of people feel there's no way out but suicide.

I was one of them and very very close.

Before bomb drop, I can say that I never thought of it. Ever. I had a great life: awesome wife and kids, wonderful career, plenty of money, you name it.

When my brother did it at the end of 2008, I began to think about it a lot, but not in the sense that many would probably think. It was more of a curious thing. I wondered what could have possibly been going through his head in the last weeks/days/hours/minutes before he did it. How could he possibly be so low that he figured that ending it was the best way out? I was very angry at him for a long time. I thought it was one of the most selfish acts that a person could commit. I didn't understand why. How could he do that....especially to his three kids and his mom? I just didn't get it. I had a radio buddy at the time that confided in me that he was at a point once when he considered it. He told me to quit trying to figure it out. (Sound familiar?) He said that unless I've ever been to that point, I'd never understand. He said that NOBODY would ever know what it is like to be that low unless they've been there themselves. Over time, I began to slowly let it go.

Then, bomb drop at the end of 2010.

Once XW left, I was a mess. I started to think about my brother again and started thinking about suicide A LOT. I mean....A LOT. I would get up in the morning, pour a rum and Coke, and jump in the shower. I would sit in there in the dark until the water got cold. When I got out, I would sit in my bedroom until I thought the water was hot again and I would repeat the process. I did this 5, 6 even 7 times a day. That is when I would think about it. How? When?

I worked evenings so I would sober up a little bit, go to work and do my show. I tried to sound like the fun, party guy that I was supposed to be, but I knew I wasn't pulling my weight. I was a really big mess and looking back, I'm surprised that I didn't lose my radio job sooner. When I got home around midnight, the drinking and showers would start again until I passed out. When I got up in the morning, I did it all over again. That was my ritual.

When my brother did it, he hung himself in the shower. I decided that if I did it, I was going to do the same. I even knew which belt I was going to tie around the showerhead. It was almost an obsession. I just couldn't imagine my life without XW. Not sure if I ever really mentioned it here, but ending it all consumed me. My mom was scared to death that I would do it. She never really came out and said it, but I could tell. I knew. She MADE me go to her doctor. He wanted to hospitalize me right then and there because my blood pressure was so high, but I refused. He put me on medication....meds for blood pressure and meds for depression. It helped take the edge off.

One day out of the blue I started to remember how my brother's suicide affected his kids. (It really messed the older one up.) Then I remembered how it just about killed my mom. Really. Then I told myself that I didn't want to put my kids through that and I didn't want my mom to have two kids kill themselves. I think a second one would have killed her. Then I started to realize that nobody (not even XW) was worth it. But....

It took a long time...a very long time...probably longer than it should have. It slowly got to where I was taking fewer showers and thinking less about it. Then it eventually got where I began to turn the light on again while showering. (Don't really know why I had to sit in the dark, but it is what I did.) It didn't happen overnight and there were times even probably as recent as a year ago that I still thought about it from time to time. The difference was that the desire or "passion" to do it slowly faded. It was a long road though. And now, I think I do "understand" how a person can be that low. Even now, I still have some bad days and some really bad days and sometimes I am still really, really sad when I think about losing my furbabies, but I survive the day and hope for a better tomorrow. There are still times when I am sad that I wonder if the sadness will ever really go away for good. I still sometimes feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest. This time of year is the worst, but.....I'm still here. Am I out of the woods? No, but I can see the meadow through the trees. In a sense, my brother's suicide saved my life. I'm almost certain that if I hadn't seen what it did to his kids and my mom, I would have done it. So, yes it is sad, but I can understand.

Sorry for the above. It's just a subject that is close to my heart.

Enjoy whatever time you have with your fur babies. Enjoy them to the fullest.

I plan to Wonka. My little one was a little down today, but she is still doing a little better than she was.

Thanks for checking in.

Tad

[LiveNow]

Tad - Look ^^^^ - just LOOK at how far you've come! Guess what? You are 'piecing' -- piecing YOUR life back together (yes, you can do 'piecing' by yourself - haha), one day at a time. Yes, it looks different than what you thought it would look like, but it's your life, and it's something you should be so very proud of. It's taken a great deal of strength and courage to drag yourself out of where you were and to where you are today -- and to write what you wrote above. I am certain that your post will help a lot of people, today and sometime in the future. I've been reading your updates, and there is such a huge difference from just a few months ago. Keep right on going Tad. You are on the right track, and I'm sure you can feel that. You are a survivor. You have much to celebrate this holiday season.

[sunshinelewis]

Tad I am very sry to hear about ur friend. Depression is a major tool that satan uses. At one time he tried to tell me things wouldn't get better And life wasn't worth it. I prayed until he finally left me be. Prayer is strong Tad.

You are a very strong person. Look where u were and where u are now. It got better Tad and it's only going to get better. You were at rock bottom and fought ur way back.......you got this!!!! So very proud of u.

I never thought I would say this but your fur friends sound so cute. And if u knew me well u would chuckle because my number one fear is
Mice! Lol

Hugs and A Fist Pump

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Livenow and Renee...

It's taken a great deal of strength and courage to drag yourself out of where you were and to where you are today -- and to write what you wrote above.

Thank you. Even though I have a way to go, I sometimes forget just how far I have come. But...when I step back and take a good look back, I can see it.

I am certain that your post will help a lot of people, today and sometime in the future.

I hope so. Like I said above, I was close and it took a lot to finally bring myself out of it.

You are a very strong person. Look where u were and where u are now. It got better Tad and it's only going to get better. You were at rock bottom and fought ur way back.......you got this!!!! So very proud of u.

Thanks. I was a lot closer than I ever let on here on the boards. Until the post above, I had never really written about it much here.

I never thought I would say this but your fur friends sound so cute. And if u knew me well u would chuckle because my number one fear is Mice! Lol

Haha. They are cute. I've got a few pictures and videos of them on my FB page....

Update:

My rat -

My little rattie is a little better, but I don't think it will be long. She is just so old and weak. I'm now feeding her baby food because she has quit eating solid food. I haven't had little kids at home in years, but my refrigerator is filled with baby food. It's kind of strange.

My buddy -

It's been confirmed that it was a suicide. Not sure of the details, but he had been apparently arguing with his estranged wife on the phone and at some point, he put a pistol in his mouth.

My "friend" -

.....is amazing. We've been continuing our great conversations. She even sent a message yesterday wanting to know how my little furbaby was doing. When I got to work last night, she handed me a Christmas card with a very nice note inside telling me what a nice person I was and how much she enjoys our talks about music and astronomy. Then, she gave me a framed picture of the Beatles that she knew "I would love to have." I'm going to hang it up in my bedroom. This girl is amazing. I even found out last night that she loves penguins! Haha. They are my favorite too. As I've said, the stuff we have in common is almost scary. I've decided that after the holidays, I'm going to ask her out on a "non date." She's been telling me about a nice Thai restaurant and I think I might ask her if she'd like to join me for lunch. We'll see....

Tad

[Jack_Three_Beans]

"friend" -
Get her a small plastic penguin for her desk. The next time she mentions the Thai place, "spontaneously" say we should go tomorrow.

"buddy"
I am sorry for your loss.

"rat"
Enjoy your time with her. And a pet is always a pet, never "just a..." screw those who think it's "just a ..."

[tadpole1025]

Thanks for checking in Jack!

Get her a small plastic penguin for her desk. The next time she mentions the Thai place, "spontaneously" say we should go tomorrow.

I love the penguin idea. As for the Thai place, I would love to do that but....so afraid of her saying "no." But.....I will. I just have to work up the nerve.

And a pet is always a pet, never "just a..." screw those who think it's "just a ..."

^^^ Thank you for this. I need that.

Tad

[sunshinelewis]

Do it Tad! She may be waiting on u to ask. If she says no....then she say no. No biggie.....more fish in the sea and no reflection on u. Right?

[job]

Tad,
All she can say is no and you won't find out her answer unless you ask her.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

If she says no the sun doesn't explode.

If she says yes or no you have an indication of how to progress, and wouldn't that be nice for a change?

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Renee, Job and Jack.

I would have asked her already but she has said in the past that she does not date coworkers because she likes to keep that separate.

So? What to do?

I've been off work the past two days and she hasn't. The last two days she has actually been messaging me with FB messenger while she was working. She hasn't done that before. It's almost like she is trying to find stuff to talk about with me. I almost get the feeling like she really likes me, but is afraid.

I may ask her anyways though once we get the holidays behind us. She is pretty amazing. It would suck if she said no. I've got no experience in this. Got married when I was 17 so I've never really been single or able to "date."

My little furbaby had a really good day yesterday. She drank some water, ate a piece of lettuce and actually ate two pieces of pasta. Today though she isn't doing so well. She had a really bad breathing episode this morning. I feel so bad for her. I had to leave her to take S20 to his new job orientation. When I came back, she was on her side and struggling to breathe. She did perk up a little when I went over to pet her. Each time she has one of these it seems she gets a little weaker. She searches for me and tries to climb on me when she has them like she wants me to do something for her, but I feel so helpless. All I can really do is steam the bathroom, sit in there with her and try to calm her with my voice. It usually helps, but sometimes it takes a while.

Thanks for checking in.

Tad

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Tad,

If she doesn't date co-workers then you're fine. No matter what you want to happen with her isn't cause she is your co-worker.

This takes pressure off you, now its just lunch and if she says no, she just said no to lunch.

However, as a long term plan. the more you hang out with her and the more she potentially likes hanging out with you the more likely it is that she re-evaluates her choice not to date co-workers.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Jack. I guess I can be a good friend too her and see what happens down the road. As I said, it is obvious that she enjoys being around me so we'll see.

Today is a sad day.

It happened.

My sweet little furbaby Beebee crossed the Rainbow Bridge this afternoon while snuggling in my arms. I'm sure going to miss my little girl.

I had gotten a tooth pulled early this afternoon. While I was gone, S24 kept an eye on her for me. She was fine when I returned home. I had her in the living room on the couch while I was waiting for my pain prescription. When I got home from picking up the meds, I went to my bedroom and brought her with me. We were watching Seinfeld reruns as she cuddled up against me on my bed. I knew she was close. I dozed off a few times from the medication, but was trying to stay awake in case she needed me. We snuggled there for about an hour. The final time I dozed off something told me to open my eyes. When I opened them, she was gone. I was only out probably for 5-10 minutes. I didn't see her take her last breath but I think I felt it.

So sad. I'm going to miss her so much. She actually "helped" me through my mess if you can believe that. Her sister is still alive and is as energetic as ever, but I don't think I'll get any more. I get too attached....

Sorry for the ramble.

Tad

[AJM]

Sorry to hear that Tad.


AJ

[job]

Tad,
I'm very sorry about your little fur baby. She waited for you to be home and she passed away doing what she loved best...being cuddled up w/you. You will always remember her and those memories can be pulled out of your memory bank whenever you feel sad. She loved you unconditionally and you provided a warm and loving home for her. Take comfort in knowing you were a great "dad" to her. She was lucky to have had a home w/you.

About your co-worker, to me, asking her out to lunch wouldn't be considered a date. It could be considered as two friends getting together to have a nice lunch and to chat about things that interest both you. If it would make her feel better, you could go dutch. Are there any places that both you like near by the office? Just ask her very casually and see what she says. If she says no, offer to bring something back for her, but go ahead on your own. That will show her that you were asking as a friend who wanted to share an enjoyable lunch break time w/another friend.

Take care.

[tadpole1025]

Thank you AJ and Job...

I appreciate it.

On a bright side: I still have her sister and she is no longer suffering.

She lived a great, spoiled life. All rats should be that lucky.

But...

Man, I miss her. Just a little rat, but such a big part of my life. She was the first thing I thought of this morning when I woke up. It's amazing how two little rats could be so therapeutic. They were great for me. I'm taking her to get cremated this afternoon. She'll always be with me.

Tad

[uRworthy]

Oh, Tad, I am really sorry. I know how much you love her. She really was a gift to you.

She had a good life, in a loving home. She was meant to be in your life at this time.

Enjoy your other little girl.

Keep moving forward, T. We are all cheering you on.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Ur. Yeah, she was a gift...my little rat. I miss her a lot. Some people don't get it, but I loved the little girl. She was an important part of our family. She was allowed out of her cage everyday for hours at a time. I would let her run around my bedroom. Sometimes she and her sister would sit on the couch in the living room and watch tv with me. She would actually beg for treats and would come when I called her name. She was such a good girl. I will get her remains back in about a week. I haven't decided if I'm going to keep them or spread the ashes somewhere. I may wait to do anything until her sister passes. I miss her so much...

Was watching tv this morning. They were talking about how there is only four days until Christmas and doing a story on all of the last-minute shoppers.

I miss Christmas. I miss the excitement, the hustle and bustle, the magic, the joy....just everything. We haven't decorated in years partly because XW took the family tree and most of the decorations and partly because I just haven't felt like it. Plus, we are just so crowded, we don't really have room to decorate. For the fourth year in a row, my sons will not be getting anything from me for Christmas. I just don't have the extra money. I know they understand, but I feel bad about it.

Getting better but not fast enough....

I'm tired.

Tad

[AJM]

Is being tired a bad thing, Tad? Or is it a propellant to help you move past the past?

You seem to be re-visiting feelings, Tad. Only faster


AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks AJ.

Revisiting feelings?

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Just curious...

Tad

[job]

Hi Tad,
Yes, it's a good thing to revisit feelings, just as long as you don't remain stuck. From what I've been reading of your thread lately, you are revisiting them, but at a faster pace and you know what? That's great. It means you are healing and coming alive again.

We all think about and yes, revisit feelings. I find myself doing it around the holidays.

[AJM]

Yes. Same as job said. On all accounts.


AJ

[Wonka]

We all think about and yes, revisit feelings. I find myself doing it around the holidays.

Ditto. A lot of reflection going on inside my noggin lately.

[uRworthy]

Tad, you know, you can get really creative on a little bit of money.

I think you could figure out how to decorate some. Dollar stores have stuff... you could make stuff. It makes you feel better, ya know?

Can you give your sons some coupons to spend time doing something they like with you?

Go to a used book store and get a book?

Even go to the dollar store and get gag gifts.

Use your imagination.

I think it is important for all of you to acknowledge the holiday in some small way. Time to move forward for real. Just because she took the tree doesnt mean you cant do something.

Come on now, Tad...get to gettin.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks all.

You're right uR. Guess I'm going to have to get creative.

I gave two Christmas cards this year. (First cards I've given in four years.) I sent one to my former MIL. I figured why not? I've known her for 30 years and it isn't her fault that her daughter went nuts. I sent her a little note inside updating her on me and the boys. XW will probably be furious, but I really don't care.

The other card went to my "friend" at work. She gave me a card last week with a really nice note inside. I gave her one back. Our wonderful conversations continue.

I guess Christmas it will just be me and S22 and S24. The other two will be with XW. We will be going to my aunt's house like we did on Thanksgiving. It won't be too bad. Although, I would prefer to have all my boys at Christmas, but I guess that is expecting too much when there was a divorce.

What I'm really dreading though is Christmas Eve. I've always been real funny about Christmas Eve as far as wanting to be "home" and having family together. (I actually think this is a hang up of mine from my childhood. My mom left my dad a day or two before Christmas when I was four years old.) I've aways been a little weird about it. This will be the first Christmas Eve ever that I will actually be alone. All alone on Christmas Eve for the first time in my life. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. S28 and S20 will be with XW, S24 has a party to go to with a friend, and S22 will be working. I'll be home alone unless I can find a bar that is open.....

Tad

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Volunteer at a soup kitchen guarantee you won't be alone on Christmas Eve.

[uRworthy]

hey Tad. I am alone on Christmas day. I have Christmas eve with my sister. My son goes to see his dad on Christmas day.

I have done different things the last few years. I have volunteered. I have slept late, stayed in my PJs and rented a movie and ate leftovers. One year I went to a friend's house.

It wouldnt be my first choice to be alone, but, its what I got. So, I make it my own.

There is a lot you could do....think about it. It doesnt have to be sad. You can choose joy. Just sayin....

[sunshinelewis]

I will be alone to Tad but I am gonna order out and cuddle up on the couch and watch a good flick. Just so u know I was a mess the first yr I was alone on Christmas Eve.....but now it's no big deal. You will be fine. Yell at me on the alt and we will chat

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone.

Renee - I would have yelled at you on the ALT, but I wasn't on much. Kind of stayed away from FB over the holiday. Was on there a little bit, but not much.

Stuff about me:

I decided to treat myself to a nice Mexican dinner at a local restaraunt on Christmas Eve and had a couple of Margaritas. It was nice, but I kind of felt like everyone there was sort of looking down on me because I was alone. On Christmas Eve, everyone is with friends and family. I felt very out of place.

Christmas was ok. S24, S22 and I went to my aunt's house and had dinner.

Stuff about XW:

She picked up S20 on Christmas Eve as I was on my way out to dinner. She looked at me as if to say: "aren't you going to say anything?" I'm pretty sure she wanted to say hello. Of course I'm just speculating, but the look she gave me....

I also believe that I've caught her in a lie. S24 wished his grandmother (former MIL) Merry Christmas on FB. She wrote back. "Merry Christmas to you too. Have fun at your mom's." Now, he lives with me and has spent every holiday with me. Why would she assume that he would be spending the holiday with XW unless she was told that he was? I don't know for sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if XW has been lying about her relationship with our boys to her mom. Kind of to make things "not look as bad" as what they are. My boys even thought that it was weird and S20 said he thinks it is because she is lying. Again, I have no proof and will probably never know, but the possibility of her lying to her mother does not surprise me at all.

Tad

[job]

Tad,
I'm glad you went out on Christmas Eve and had a nice dinner. You owed it to yourself to do this. I think you are overly sensitive in going out by yourself. Sure, people will look at others, but I seriously doubt that they were looking down on you. Besides, what do you care what they think? You are a wonderful man and a great father. Hold your head up high and don't think like that. Okay?

I'm glad things went okay at your aunt's home and all of you had a nice dinner and spent it w/some of the family.

Now about the xw. You are mind reading again. Maybe she was hoping you'd say hello or Merry Christmas. Maybe she wasn't and she was thinking about other things when she saw you. But whatever the look meant, it's not your deal to figure it out. Okay?

As for the x-MIL's comments to your son. She may have assumed that he was going to his mother's. Your xw may not have revealed the rift between the boys and her by not telling her...but whatever the reason for the assumption, it's on her to live w/that omission or lie to her mother. BTW, they do tend to lie quite a bit and eventually they are caught in their web of lies...again, that's not on you to figure it out.

Tad, the new year is around the corner, what are some of your resolutions going to be?

[uRworthy]

Hey Tad, glad you made it through the holiday.

Ok, Im just gonna be hones with you here, my friend.

Who freakin cares what your xw says or does? I mean, really. It does not matter. Your boys are adults. They can deal with their relationship with her.

Please stop reading into her words and actions, Tad. You are giving yourself stress you do not need.

Live your life or it will live you.

I have a great resolution for you.....just sayin.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Job and uR.

I had my little rattie cremated when she passed. I have to go to the vet today to pick up her remains.



I really miss her a lot. She was a good friend to me. Her sister is still hanging in there and is a wonderful little friend too. I've been trying to give her extra attention. I just miss having the pair.

I think you are overly sensitive in going out by yourself. Sure, people will look at others, but I seriously doubt that they were looking down on you.

Maybe, but I REALLY felt so out of place.

Now about the xw. You are mind reading again.

Yeah. Need to stop this.

I have a great resolution for you.....just sayin.

Think I know what it is. See below.

Tad, the new year is around the corner, what are some of your resolutions going to be?

I posted these earlier, but have added a few more:

* Stop smoking
* Lose weight and get down to pre bomb-drop weight
* Repair my relationship with God (MAYBE - still undecided about this)
* Get out more (Even if I have to force myself - no excuses)
* Join a gym
* Save $100 per month
* Convince my "friend" at work to have lunch with me!
* Re-connect with old friends
* Take a few road trips
* Donate money (no matter how small) to my local rat rescue once a month in honor of my little girl (I already started this one this month.)
*Quit trying to mind read XW and quit trying to figure her out


Tad

[job]

I like the resolutions and I know you will do your very best to meet them.

[AJM]

I especially like the last one as that will bring some peace of mind

Good for you for getting out! (You do know the other tradition is Chinese food and a movie on Christmas, right?)

Maybe, but I REALLY felt so out of place.

Dude. You're not out of place until you're the creepy old guy buying the too young for you girls (or guys), drinks.

Tad, I used to travel a lot and ended up at restaurants alone all the time. A little awkward at first, but after a while you get to where you like it, Tad. I did anyway. I'm a crazy curious person as it is, and I've learned to ask all kinds of questions of the staff and find out the secret specials. Kind of like a game (assuming they are not really busy when I get there; not fair to take their time if they are really busy.)

I've found some great "secret" specials, drinks, and some really great people that I still connect with from time to time.

Make it fun, and it is fun, amigo.


AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Job and AJ.

I've been a way for a while.

You do know the other tradition is Chinese food and a movie on Christmas, right?

I'm going to remember that. I love Chinese food!

Journaling/Updating:

* My other little rattie is starting to slow down a bit. I have her sister's remains on my nightstand. When this one passes, I will also have her cremated. I may spread their ashes somewhere, but not 100% sure yet. I'd also like to keep them, but I do have them both tattooed on my arm so I guess, they'll always sort of be "with me" if I do decide to scatter their ashes somewhere. I REALLY want to get another one or two, but don't want the heartache that comes along with it.

* I spent New Year's Eve at home and alone. Thought about going out, but figured all I would see would be couples. I was actually asleep before midnight. Boo.

* I've been extra emotional in the past week and had a weird/scary/unusual experience the other night. I was in bed watching a funny show on tv. (It was a good two years before I would even watch comedy after bomb drop.) Anyways, I'm laying there watching tv and cracking up. During a commercial, I rolled over to not look at tv to try to go to sleep. Then, I started crying. Hard. I'm not sure if it was because of my little rattie or what it was. I've never experienced anything like that before and it kind of surprised/scared me. I've had some pretty decent days lately and then to turn around and have this.....I sometimes feel like I am just a train wreck at times.

* I found out this morning that my neice (XW's sister's daughter) who was planning on starting at Northern Arizon University this spring is now pregnant. While I'm not really surprised, I find it quite depressing. She's only been "dating" this guy for about two months. She just turned 18.

* My schedule at work has changed. I now see my "friend" three days a week instead of two. I REALLY want to ask her to just lunch but am so afraid to ask. I'm really scared that she'll say no.

* I'm on my 5th day without a cigarette. Today and yesterday have been the hardest. Not sure if I'm going to make it, but I'm trying.

* Since my days off have changed and am now off on Friday's, I'll be able to go out on Friday nights. I'm going out this week. I'll be alone and am not sure where I'm going, but I AM GOING OUT.

That's all for now.

Tad

[Wonka]

Tad,

Life is filled with moments that we make choices or not as we encounter them.

In reading your update, I get the sense that you're driven by fear of a different kind: of not being good enough.

Fear of being turned down for a lunch with a co-worker for goodness sake!

Fear of getting attached to a new rattle because you cannot deal with the emotion of grief.

Fear of socializing by yourself because of the perceived judgments about you.

All of that ^^^ is preventing you from living your life to the fullest. Ever think about joining a Meet-Up group that resonates with you?

I'm glad you plan to go out on Fridays. Just put yourself out there. Go for it!!

[Georgiabelle]

^^^^^^^

Right on, Wonka. Tad, I've always viewed NYE and Valentine's Day as 2 overblown events. Commercially, we've been told otherwise and in reality, it's a day with crazy expectations created by the media.

I'm sorry about your rat. I love furry people and it always svkks when they slow down or pass. Just remember that you are lucky to have each other.

In regards to your friend at work, how about viewing it a bit differently? I know you are nervous, afraid and attracted to her all at he same time. From the female perspective (or at least mine), I loved going out with my colleagues. That's how we got to be such good friends. Just view it as getting to know someone better. I used to work in a 90% plus make environment and am pleased to call many of those guys close friends. Not romantic interests, but I was always married or seeing someone. Cast the net!

Hope 2015 is a good one for you.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Georgiabelle and Wonka.

You are both right. I need to put myself out there.

And yes Wonka, I am afraid.

Afraid of:

More sadness

More loss

More rejection

Not being good enough

I am actually part of a meet up group. Haven't gone to one meet up though because they are either too far, I have to work, or I'm just not interested.

I live in Phoenix which is really spread out. There could be something going on that is considered in my metro area, but still be 50 miles away. I live on the boring side of town. Most everything "hip" and fun happens on the other side. Just one reason why I'd like to move when my lease is up.

When I was in radio, I learned a lot about body language. My "friend" gives me all of these signs but.....she doesn't date coworkers. We talk and talk and talk....awesome conversations about all sorts of things, says she is glad because she can see me 3 days a week now instead of 2 but....she doesn't date coworkers. She has given me gifts, says she looks forward to our conversations, sent messages asking how my rat was doing, gives me candy every night, smiles when I walk in the room but.....she doesn't date coworkers.

I might just ask her to lunch so she can say "no" and get it over with.

Confused. CONFUSED. CONFUSED.

Six days smoke free.

Tad

[LouR]

Hi Tad

Just caught up with your posts - so sad to hear about your dear dear rattie - a special place in your heart always.

I just wanted to chime in on the whole ask your "friend" out to lunch. I know you are scared and have all sorts of different scenarios now running through your head - but I am only reading negative ones from you - where are the positive ones ... the one where she says yes, the one where she is great company and maybe you connect.

The thing is - unless you ask, you will NEVER KNOW !!!! I hope that in the future some lovely lovely guy like you (yep you are - can tell just by your posts) would be brave enough to ask me out for lunch -

And - what is the worst that could happen - she could say no or she is not quite "you" ....but at least you know and your life will carry on ... think of the "what if" in the positive and not the negative. Try not to get so far ahead of yourself - you have not been on a date yet, so thinking about splitting up and rejection is wayyyyyyy to ahead of things ...one step at a time.

Take that brave pill and ask ..... (I know easy for me to say as I am not the one doing it lol)

Not everyone will say yes, and not everyone will be "the one" but she is out there - 7 billion people on the planet - she is out there.

I love your resolutions - all achievable ones ....especially the last one

Tad ((hugs)) to you - sometimes we just have to take the leap of faith - whether that is going out (I did that NYE and stood like a lemon for 3hrs, but I did it and survived whoop whoop) or asking someone out - or trying something new - have faith my friend.

[Wonka]

Tad,

I find it interesting that you've bolted the sections below:

My "friend" gives me all of these signs but.....she doesn't date coworkers. We talk and talk and talk....awesome conversations about all sorts of things, says she is glad because she can see me 3 days a week now instead of 2 but....she doesn't date coworkers. She has given me gifts, says she looks forward to our conversations, sent messages asking how my rat was doing, gives me candy every night, smiles when I walk in the room but.....she doesn't date coworkers.

The problem with your fear of "rejection" in asking a colleague out lunch is that your focus is misplaced on "dating." You two are not dating. You two are colleagues working at a radio station. So asking her to go out for a bite is just that...not an actual date. You're getting all worked up because of your faulty thought process.

I ask my colleagues if they want to go out and grab a bite like talking about the weather. Nonchalant. Yes, your colleague is a woman. So what!? Men and women can be friends without romantic connections.

It's time that you start appreciating her for what she is: a really nice person that you can be friends with. Nothing more, nothing less.

[AJM]

Just one reason why I'd like to move when my lease is up.

I like this Tad! The one that's looking to the future and making plans. Sure there's still room to grow, but it's happening faster and faster.

Whatever you decide to do with the co-worker? Icing as long as the rest of you continues on this trajectory. It'll all fall into place...

I love logging in and seeing these updates, Tad. I really do. Now that you know what the bottom looks like, I really like reading how you're climbing out of that hole. I look forward to seeing more of that and how you handle life's challenges when they come.

AJ

[sunshinelewis]

Tad do u all text or talk on the phone when away from work? Try that and slip a lunch or dinner in there. Do it on your day off and not face to face. That may help with ur fear.

Ur killing me smalls lol

[LouR]

I agree with Wonka - that this is just lunch - we all gotta eat so make it an informal question - I am grabbing a bite, would you like to join me - simple and non suggestive of anything other than lunch.

Tad - moving forwards is taking a little leap of bravery occasionally.

Well done for getting this far - you are on an amazing journey

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Lou, Wonka, AJ and Renee.

XW news: In an earlier post, I mentioned that my 18 year old niece is now pregnant. Yesterday, S22 sent XW the following message: "Is it true? Is there a bun in the oven?" Needless to say for some unknown reason, that one little question turned into a 2 and a half hour argument. Seriously. He said she was mean and hateful and got all p!ssed off because he asked about it. This is his cousin for crying out loud. I just don't understand. Lately, she gives our sons more grief than she does me. I'm just getting where I no longer care and I think she knows it. So....she now argues with the boys. I just can not believe that someone who is that uptight/angry/hateful/mean all the time can be happy.

Now about my friend:

I hope that in the future some lovely, lovely guy like you (yep you are - can tell just by your posts) would be brave enough to ask me out for lunch -

Thanks for the nice words.

You two are colleagues working at a radio station.

Just correcting. I'm no longer in radio. We work in the broadcast operations center for a major satellite tv provider.

I love logging in and seeing these updates, Tad. I really do. Now that you know what the bottom looks like, I really like reading how you're climbing out of that hole. I look forward to seeing more of that and how you handle life's challenges when they come.

Thanks buddy. I appreciate it.

Tad do u all text or talk on the phone when away from work?

We talk on FB a lot. Usually though messenger.

I agree with Wonka - that this is just lunch - we all gotta eat so make it an informal question - I am grabbing a bite, would you like to join me?

True, but I would like to point out:

We work at night and only see each other for two hours on three nights a week. We are not allowed to leave and just "go grab a bite." She works 2:00 pm - Midnight. I work 10:00 pm to 8:00 am. We can't just leave work and go eat on our lunch hour. If it happens, it would have to be on our day off....kind of like a "date." That's why it is a little different than just leaving the office for an hour and running down the street to grab lunch.

I have a male friend that's been at the company for two years. This morning he tells me: "I've never seen her talk to anybody the way she does you."

Last night we weren't sitting together, but she spent an hour sending me IMs on the computer. When she got off work, she brought a chair over and sat in my broadcast pod and talked to me for almost an hour.

Thinking back, when I started there in July, she used to talk to her female friend a lot. That was pretty much it. She is still friends with the girl, but now she spends most of the time talking to me. She is obviously comfortable around me. I like her a lot. I think she likes me, but maybe she is just being really cautious.

I don't know.

Tad

[Wonka]

Tad,

So what? Figure out a way to make it happen if you're really eager to have lunch.

[LouR]

Tad - sorry, please don't take this the wrong way but ... duh ... your a guy, a nervous guy, so I will tell you from a girlie point of view .... if she doesn't talk to anyone else at work but spends lots of time talking and laughing with you, you IM each other and F/B each other all the time ... then SHE LIKES YOU ...

Seriously, she likes you.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Tad,

Wonka's advice is great.

Your fear of rejection will make you a hermit.
Too afraid to put yourself out there, or go out there.

You sir, should be stronger than your fear.
You sir, should not be defined by what others think of you.
In this case, your fear of a possible rejection that would create in your mind what they think of you.

She didn't date co-workers...until she dated you.

And if she doesn't? You are no worse off now than before.

Go to your grave saying: I did it, instead of: I wish I did it.

[uRworthy]

Hey Tad. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith...and see where you land.

Just do it!!!! It's time.

[Drew]

Tad,

Read an article this morning that made me think of you. Google Millionaire and Flip Flops.

Long story short, and no smart remarks Mach and Eric ...

Successful female corporate executive has an ugly end to a 15 year relationship. She feels lost. Everything she ever had, so she thinks, is gone. Serious depression.

One day she wakes up and decides she's just gonna say yes. Dinner with friend? Yes. Take a long lunch? Yes. Go naked bungie jumping? Yes!! (OK, I made that one up...) Storm a mountain in South America and conquer the natives? Yes.

You know what she's doing now? She owns a surf and kayak adventure store in Key West and is a self made millionaire. And happier than she's ever been.

My point is Tad, that Jack is right. Your fear is paralyzing you. Get out there!! Say yes to the next thing that somebody asks you.

And for crying out loud, would you ask that girl out already!!! We're not in high school anymore Tad. At least not last time I checked. "She doesn't date coworkers." Pfffftttt to that!!

Never tell me the odds.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone. It's been a couple of weeks since I checked in. Thought I would come back to vent/journal a little.

Tad - sorry, please don't take this the wrong way but ... duh ... your a guy, a nervous guy, so I will tell you from a girlie point of view .... if she doesn't talk to anyone else at work but spends lots of time talking and laughing with you, you IM each other and F/B each other all the time ... then SHE LIKES YOU ...

Thanks Lou. I hope you are right. She talks to her female friend and is "nice" to other people, but it is different with me. I can't explain it. She seeks me out and will stay late to talk to me. I had a male friend ask me the other day if we were dating. When I said not at the moment, he said he was asking because we "seem awfully chummy."

Your fear of rejection will make you a hermit.
Too afraid to put yourself out there, or go out there.

Very true Jack. I won't deny it. My fear is so great and confidence is so low, that I can't even ask a member of the opposite sex (who I like a lot) out to lunch. I think a lot of it is also because she said once that she didn't like to date coworkers.

And for crying out loud, would you ask that girl out already!!! We're not in high school anymore Tad. At least not last time I checked. "She doesn't date coworkers." Pfffftttt to that!!

I will....soon.

Venting/journaling:

It has been one year this month since my mom passed. So hard to believe that it has been a year. It seems like just a few weeks ago that I was on here writing about her. A lot has changed for me in the past year...mostly for the better.

My little furbaby that passed away has already been gone a month. I have her ashes on my night stand. My other little rat (her sister) still gets around pretty well, but is starting to slow down. She is old. She seems to have bonded with me even more since her sister passed. Such amazing little creatures.

I've been off of cigarettes now for 19 days. It's been tough, but I'm determined to stick with it.

I've had a few more bouts with anxiety lately. Some of it has been about XW, some about death, some about being alone, some about my little rattie.

I've been feeling a little different lately and not really in a good way. I feel like a has-been or washed up. I'm 47 years old and am starting to feel like an old man...like my dating/relationship/courting years are behind me. I know I am no spring chicken, but 47 isn't really that old. I know that I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. I can't help but wonder if I'm just "done."

I see some beautiful women that are married/dating guys and wonder what the Hell did she see in him?

I don't know...just a little down on myself lately.

Last weekend I did nothing. Literally. The days just blended together and I spent most of the time in front of the tv, spending time with my rat or sleeping. No 2x4 needed. I KNOW I need to change this. I was doing good for a while, but lately I haven't felt like doing anything.

Anyways, just thought I would vent/journal/share.

I hope all of you are well.

Tad

[tadpole1025]

Well............

I asked my friend to lunch. I told her that we could do it Thursday or Friday. Whatever one is the most convenient for her would be fine. She said............

She would get back to me. She said she had some things going on, but that she would let me know.

What the Hell? I guess it is better than a "no", but maybe she wanted to tell me "no" but couldn't come up with an excuse.

??????????????????????

Guess I'll wait and see....

Tad

[job]

I'm proud of you! You finally asked her...so be patient...it probably shocked her and she has to think about it. Continue to be her friend and just be yourself no matter the outcome.

Hang in there!

[ericmsant2]

I'm 47 years old and am starting to feel like an old man...like my dating/relationship/courting years are behind me. I know I am no spring chicken, but 47 isn't really that old. I know that I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. I can't help but wonder if I'm just "done."

DB101 – change how you look at things.

Tad, you spend WAY too much time focusing on the negatives in your life. Do you remember when you did not think you would find a job. BOOM – your working. Do you remember when you did not think you would make it one more day. BOOM – you are still here and taking steps little by little.

Rome was not built in a day.

You’ve taken the biggest shot in the testies and you are still standing!

Get out of the negative mindset man!

No one can do this except YOU Tad – no one.

We can all give you ideas but it is YOUR ACTION that will change your stich.

You’ve taken another step by asking her out – GREAT. You have looked fear in the f*cking face dude – I am proud of you.

Now….keep taking those steps man….little by little.

Maybe find a way to start each day on a positive.

Oh…and stop comparing yourself to everyone else! You will get where you need to get to WHEN YOU get there. The key….is KNOWING and BELIEVING that you will arrive and then having FAITH in YOURSELF.

DO you have your lunch location planned out? I would not go overboard – do what has been working for you, which is being YOU.

[TSquared2]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Job, Eric and T.

Just updating:

* "Friend" could not make it to lunch. She said she was too busy. Whatever. I won't ask again.

* Went to S22's concert the other night. XW was there. I did not speak to her. I did catch her looking at me a few times and smiling and laughing at a joke I was telling the band. She even hung out by the cars afterwards when we were packing things up. I got the feeling that she wanted to say something to me. I said nothing.

* My cousin called me last night. Apparently, her brother, my cousin, put a gun to his head last night. She is now going through what I went through with my little brother. Any family that I did have left continues to shrink.

I just wish everything would stop.

Tad

[job]

Tad,
I'm sorry your co-worker isn't ready to have lunch w/you...but maybe she'll see that you aren't pressuring her and will change her mind at a later time. At least you asked and now can go on w/other things.

I'm sorry about your cousin. It's never easy when someone commit suicide.

Tad life won't stop. We just need to learn how to deal w/the good and the bad. Come here to talk.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Job.

I have just felt very down lately. I'm not sure what it is. XW has been on my mind all day today too. I'm not sure why....

Tad

[Georgiabelle]

Tad,

Eric and Job have given you great advice. While I'm sorry the friend didn't accept,know that tomorrow is a new day. Eric used one of my favorite quotes which is "Rome wasn't built in a day." It's true. You are on the right track!

I'm sorry about your cousin. Sadly, I've heard about too many people lately in so much pain that they felt ending their life was the only solution.

47 isn't washed up. Yeesh! We are one of the few cultures in the world where we start labeling people old at 30. Most cultures embrace the wisdom of elders but holy shizzle at 47 you aren't an elder. Imagine if you live to 100 which is quite common. 50 would be midpoint:-). It's all perspective.

Tad, I know you've been at this much longer than I have. However, the self esteem does take quite a shot from this. As in it feels like a bird repeatedly poops on your head and you can't get out of the way....until you just do. I would be foolish to say I can't understand why you feel that way because I do. I think we all can relate. It has nothing to do with looks, intelligence, charm, net worth, personality or wit. It's tough. Just keep being you and someone will truly appreciate the man you are.

Hang in there!!

[AJM]

Hi Tad. Long time.

* My cousin called me last night. Apparently, her brother, my cousin, put a gun to his head last night. She is now going through what I went through with my little brother.

Luckily, she has you. A person that's been through it. To help her. Perhaps that's something good that can come from your past?

I have just felt very down lately. I'm not sure what it is. XW has been on my mind all day today too.

That's not abnormal, Tad. You haven't finished with that yet. When you are tired, down, etc, your mind wants to deal with it. And you feel it. See it for what it is, Tad. Your body and mind telling you to deal with that part of your life. It's how stress works, my friend.

Tad, you are doing great. I know it doesn't always feel that way, but you really are and have come a long way. A very long way from where you started, amigo. It's not time to take the pack off yet though.

Turn the time to something positive. Make yourself. And before you know it, you'll be feeling right as rain.

AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Georgia and AJ.

I was pretty bummed about my friend not going to lunch with me, but that's ok. I honestly think she is just being cautious. I'm 12 years older than her, I'm a coworker (she doesn't date coworkers), and she knows I have a lot of baggage. She told me tonight though that I'm much "sexier" since I quit smoking. See what I mean though about mixed signals?????? Geez.... I just wish she would give me a chance. We have TONS in common. Who knows.....

However, the self esteem does take quite a shot from this.

You're telling me.....

Tad, you are doing great. I know it doesn't always feel that way, but you really are and have come a long way. A very long way from where you started, amigo. It's not time to take the pack off yet though.

Thanks dude.

Tad

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Tad:

* "Friend" could not make it to lunch. She said she was too busy. Whatever. I won't ask again.

Whatever?

Did you forget:

She would get back to me. She said she had some things going on, but that she would let me know.

She had some things going on She even told you.

Are you familiar with the Fox and Grapes Fable? Please look it up.

I see some beautiful women that are married/dating guys and wonder what the Hell did she see in him?

Off the top of my head? Confidence.

Tad, you remind me of Eeyore the donkey from Winnie the Pooh. And while he is one of my favorite character, there is no way I would ever want to date or hang out with him for long periods of time too depressing and no matter how anyone tries to cheer him up he is determined no to.

How much of this comes through with other people in real life? Is their an underlying despondency that people can pick up on?
Cause that might be something to look hard at.

She said no, she had things come up.

That is one strike.

Most people get two.

And do not put so much meaning on this, its just lunch. The bigger you make this the more pressure there is on grabbing a bite to eat.

[Wonka]

Tad,

She said no, she had things come up.

That is one strike.

Most people get two.

And do not put so much meaning on this, its just lunch. The bigger you make this the more pressure there is on grabbing a bite to eat.

Exactly. Yeah, just lunch. No biggie. Don't just give up and throw up your arms just because of a little word "no." Perhaps the timing was off for her...hadn't you thought of that?

[MrBond]

Are you still seeing a therapist? I really worry about the depression that you haven't been able to shake.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Jack, Wonka and MrBond.

Jack, I have not heard of that fable, but will look it up.

Wonka, I hadn't thought of that, but was kind of expecting a "no" just because that's the way everything seems to go for me.

Mrbond, I'm no longer seeing a therapist. My employer paid for 8 sessions. The depression? Yeah it comes and goes.

Just a quick update:

My little rat continues to do well but....I found a tumor on her yesterday. Tumors are fairly common in female rats. This one is in her armpit. I'm not sure what I should do. I should probably get it removed, but she is just so old. I don't want to put her through a surgery. I'm going to keep a close eye on it.

I may take a break from the board for a while. I don't really want to, but I suspect (as I've suspected before) that XW has been reading here. It's just a feeling from things the boys have told me. There are things that she has said that she wouldn't know unless she has read it here.

My "friend" still has great conversations with me. I'm going to lay low on that front as well.

Tad

[tadpole1025]

Need to vent:

My other little rattie is dying. I came home from work this morning and she is very weak and stumbling whenever she walks. She spent the entire day today on my chest watching the Super Bowl with me. I think her body is shutting down. I doubt she will make it through the night.

Just wanted to tell someone. Feeling sad.

Tad

[Lifes Twists]

Sorry to hear about your little friend Tad. It is amazing how even animals can get attached to each other. Your little friend may, above all else miss her companion. Mirrors us alot.

[job]

Tad,
I'm sorry to hear about your little pet. They come into our lives for a period of time and they help us through the good and the bad times.

Please take care of yourself.

[MrBond]

Tad, you need to talk to someone. Get help. There are a number of free resources. And definitely don't stop posting here. Who cares if your XW is on here? She is your EX! Not your W anymore.

[job]

Tad,
Please listen to Mr. Bond. You need to talk to someone and you need to continue posting here. As for the xh, who cares if she's reading? If you are concerned about what she sees here, change your poster name. We'll figure out who you are.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone. I will continue to post for now. This thread is full, but I have started another one. It can be found here:

Nuggets

Peace.