2015

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone. It's been a couple of weeks since I checked in. Thought I would come back to vent/journal a little.

Tad - sorry, please don't take this the wrong way but ... duh ... your a guy, a nervous guy, so I will tell you from a girlie point of view .... if she doesn't talk to anyone else at work but spends lots of time talking and laughing with you, you IM each other and F/B each other all the time ... then SHE LIKES YOU ...

Thanks Lou. I hope you are right. She talks to her female friend and is "nice" to other people, but it is different with me. I can't explain it. She seeks me out and will stay late to talk to me. I had a male friend ask me the other day if we were dating. When I said not at the moment, he said he was asking because we "seem awfully chummy."

Your fear of rejection will make you a hermit.
Too afraid to put yourself out there, or go out there.

Very true Jack. I won't deny it. My fear is so great and confidence is so low, that I can't even ask a member of the opposite sex (who I like a lot) out to lunch. I think a lot of it is also because she said once that she didn't like to date coworkers.

And for crying out loud, would you ask that girl out already!!! We're not in high school anymore Tad. At least not last time I checked. "She doesn't date coworkers." Pfffftttt to that!!

I will....soon.

Venting/journaling:

It has been one year this month since my mom passed. So hard to believe that it has been a year. It seems like just a few weeks ago that I was on here writing about her. A lot has changed for me in the past year...mostly for the better.

My little furbaby that passed away has already been gone a month. I have her ashes on my night stand. My other little rat (her sister) still gets around pretty well, but is starting to slow down. She is old. She seems to have bonded with me even more since her sister passed. Such amazing little creatures.

I've been off of cigarettes now for 19 days. It's been tough, but I'm determined to stick with it.

I've had a few more bouts with anxiety lately. Some of it has been about XW, some about death, some about being alone, some about my little rattie.

I've been feeling a little different lately and not really in a good way. I feel like a has-been or washed up. I'm 47 years old and am starting to feel like an old man...like my dating/relationship/courting years are behind me. I know I am no spring chicken, but 47 isn't really that old. I know that I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. I can't help but wonder if I'm just "done."

I see some beautiful women that are married/dating guys and wonder what the Hell did she see in him?

I don't know...just a little down on myself lately.

Last weekend I did nothing. Literally. The days just blended together and I spent most of the time in front of the tv, spending time with my rat or sleeping. No 2x4 needed. I KNOW I need to change this. I was doing good for a while, but lately I haven't felt like doing anything.

Anyways, just thought I would vent/journal/share.

I hope all of you are well.

Tad

[tadpole1025]

Well............

I asked my friend to lunch. I told her that we could do it Thursday or Friday. Whatever one is the most convenient for her would be fine. She said............

She would get back to me. She said she had some things going on, but that she would let me know.

What the Hell? I guess it is better than a "no", but maybe she wanted to tell me "no" but couldn't come up with an excuse.

??????????????????????

Guess I'll wait and see....

Tad

[job]

I'm proud of you! You finally asked her...so be patient...it probably shocked her and she has to think about it. Continue to be her friend and just be yourself no matter the outcome.

Hang in there!

[ericmsant2]

I'm 47 years old and am starting to feel like an old man...like my dating/relationship/courting years are behind me. I know I am no spring chicken, but 47 isn't really that old. I know that I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. I can't help but wonder if I'm just "done."

DB101 – change how you look at things.

Tad, you spend WAY too much time focusing on the negatives in your life. Do you remember when you did not think you would find a job. BOOM – your working. Do you remember when you did not think you would make it one more day. BOOM – you are still here and taking steps little by little.

Rome was not built in a day.

You’ve taken the biggest shot in the testies and you are still standing!

Get out of the negative mindset man!

No one can do this except YOU Tad – no one.

We can all give you ideas but it is YOUR ACTION that will change your stich.

You’ve taken another step by asking her out – GREAT. You have looked fear in the f*cking face dude – I am proud of you.

Now….keep taking those steps man….little by little.

Maybe find a way to start each day on a positive.

Oh…and stop comparing yourself to everyone else! You will get where you need to get to WHEN YOU get there. The key….is KNOWING and BELIEVING that you will arrive and then having FAITH in YOURSELF.

DO you have your lunch location planned out? I would not go overboard – do what has been working for you, which is being YOU.

[TSquared2]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Job, Eric and T.

Just updating:

* "Friend" could not make it to lunch. She said she was too busy. Whatever. I won't ask again.

* Went to S22's concert the other night. XW was there. I did not speak to her. I did catch her looking at me a few times and smiling and laughing at a joke I was telling the band. She even hung out by the cars afterwards when we were packing things up. I got the feeling that she wanted to say something to me. I said nothing.

* My cousin called me last night. Apparently, her brother, my cousin, put a gun to his head last night. She is now going through what I went through with my little brother. Any family that I did have left continues to shrink.

I just wish everything would stop.

Tad

[job]

Tad,
I'm sorry your co-worker isn't ready to have lunch w/you...but maybe she'll see that you aren't pressuring her and will change her mind at a later time. At least you asked and now can go on w/other things.

I'm sorry about your cousin. It's never easy when someone commit suicide.

Tad life won't stop. We just need to learn how to deal w/the good and the bad. Come here to talk.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Job.

I have just felt very down lately. I'm not sure what it is. XW has been on my mind all day today too. I'm not sure why....

Tad

[Georgiabelle]

Tad,

Eric and Job have given you great advice. While I'm sorry the friend didn't accept,know that tomorrow is a new day. Eric used one of my favorite quotes which is "Rome wasn't built in a day." It's true. You are on the right track!

I'm sorry about your cousin. Sadly, I've heard about too many people lately in so much pain that they felt ending their life was the only solution.

47 isn't washed up. Yeesh! We are one of the few cultures in the world where we start labeling people old at 30. Most cultures embrace the wisdom of elders but holy shizzle at 47 you aren't an elder. Imagine if you live to 100 which is quite common. 50 would be midpoint:-). It's all perspective.

Tad, I know you've been at this much longer than I have. However, the self esteem does take quite a shot from this. As in it feels like a bird repeatedly poops on your head and you can't get out of the way....until you just do. I would be foolish to say I can't understand why you feel that way because I do. I think we all can relate. It has nothing to do with looks, intelligence, charm, net worth, personality or wit. It's tough. Just keep being you and someone will truly appreciate the man you are.

Hang in there!!

[AJM]

Hi Tad. Long time.

* My cousin called me last night. Apparently, her brother, my cousin, put a gun to his head last night. She is now going through what I went through with my little brother.

Luckily, she has you. A person that's been through it. To help her. Perhaps that's something good that can come from your past?

I have just felt very down lately. I'm not sure what it is. XW has been on my mind all day today too.

That's not abnormal, Tad. You haven't finished with that yet. When you are tired, down, etc, your mind wants to deal with it. And you feel it. See it for what it is, Tad. Your body and mind telling you to deal with that part of your life. It's how stress works, my friend.

Tad, you are doing great. I know it doesn't always feel that way, but you really are and have come a long way. A very long way from where you started, amigo. It's not time to take the pack off yet though.

Turn the time to something positive. Make yourself. And before you know it, you'll be feeling right as rain.

AJ