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tadpole1025 #2517152 12/14/14 02:50 PM
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I am very sorry to hear that. We've had a lot of men commit suicide here this year. Depression was the main factor in most of them.

Tad, I am really sorry about your buddy. I'm glad you came here so that everyone could help you through your situation.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2517216 12/14/14 07:12 PM
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Tad,

Geez...that is hard. A lot of people feel there's no way out but suicide.

Enjoy whatever time you have with your fur babies. Enjoy them to the fullest.

Attaboy to S20! That age is a challenge trying to navigate adulthood and wanting to be independent yet still have that "little boy" feeling at home.

Wonka #2517345 12/15/14 10:19 AM
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Thank you Job and Wonka.

Quote:
I am very sorry to hear that. We've had a lot of men commit suicide here this year. Depression was the main factor in most of them.


So sorry to hear that. Anyone I know? If you don't want to say, I understand.

Quote:
Geez...that is hard. A lot of people feel there's no way out but suicide.


I was one of them and very very close.

Before bomb drop, I can say that I never thought of it. Ever. I had a great life: awesome wife and kids, wonderful career, plenty of money, you name it.

When my brother did it at the end of 2008, I began to think about it a lot, but not in the sense that many would probably think. It was more of a curious thing. I wondered what could have possibly been going through his head in the last weeks/days/hours/minutes before he did it. How could he possibly be so low that he figured that ending it was the best way out? I was very angry at him for a long time. I thought it was one of the most selfish acts that a person could commit. I didn't understand why. How could he do that....especially to his three kids and his mom? I just didn't get it. I had a radio buddy at the time that confided in me that he was at a point once when he considered it. He told me to quit trying to figure it out. (Sound familiar?) He said that unless I've ever been to that point, I'd never understand. He said that NOBODY would ever know what it is like to be that low unless they've been there themselves. Over time, I began to slowly let it go.

Then, bomb drop at the end of 2010.

Once XW left, I was a mess. I started to think about my brother again and started thinking about suicide A LOT. I mean....A LOT. I would get up in the morning, pour a rum and Coke, and jump in the shower. I would sit in there in the dark until the water got cold. When I got out, I would sit in my bedroom until I thought the water was hot again and I would repeat the process. I did this 5, 6 even 7 times a day. That is when I would think about it. How? When?

I worked evenings so I would sober up a little bit, go to work and do my show. I tried to sound like the fun, party guy that I was supposed to be, but I knew I wasn't pulling my weight. I was a really big mess and looking back, I'm surprised that I didn't lose my radio job sooner. When I got home around midnight, the drinking and showers would start again until I passed out. When I got up in the morning, I did it all over again. That was my ritual.

When my brother did it, he hung himself in the shower. I decided that if I did it, I was going to do the same. I even knew which belt I was going to tie around the showerhead. It was almost an obsession. I just couldn't imagine my life without XW. Not sure if I ever really mentioned it here, but ending it all consumed me. My mom was scared to death that I would do it. She never really came out and said it, but I could tell. I knew. She MADE me go to her doctor. He wanted to hospitalize me right then and there because my blood pressure was so high, but I refused. He put me on medication....meds for blood pressure and meds for depression. It helped take the edge off.

One day out of the blue I started to remember how my brother's suicide affected his kids. (It really messed the older one up.) Then I remembered how it just about killed my mom. Really. Then I told myself that I didn't want to put my kids through that and I didn't want my mom to have two kids kill themselves. I think a second one would have killed her. Then I started to realize that nobody (not even XW) was worth it. But....

It took a long time...a very long time...probably longer than it should have. It slowly got to where I was taking fewer showers and thinking less about it. Then it eventually got where I began to turn the light on again while showering. (Don't really know why I had to sit in the dark, but it is what I did.) It didn't happen overnight and there were times even probably as recent as a year ago that I still thought about it from time to time. The difference was that the desire or "passion" to do it slowly faded. It was a long road though. And now, I think I do "understand" how a person can be that low. Even now, I still have some bad days and some really bad days and sometimes I am still really, really sad when I think about losing my furbabies, but I survive the day and hope for a better tomorrow. There are still times when I am sad that I wonder if the sadness will ever really go away for good. I still sometimes feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest. This time of year is the worst, but.....I'm still here. Am I out of the woods? No, but I can see the meadow through the trees. In a sense, my brother's suicide saved my life. I'm almost certain that if I hadn't seen what it did to his kids and my mom, I would have done it. So, yes it is sad, but I can understand.

Sorry for the above. It's just a subject that is close to my heart.

frown

Quote:
Enjoy whatever time you have with your fur babies. Enjoy them to the fullest.


I plan to Wonka. My little one was a little down today, but she is still doing a little better than she was.

Thanks for checking in.

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
tadpole1025 #2517353 12/15/14 11:59 AM
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Tad - Look ^^^^ - just LOOK at how far you've come! Guess what? You are 'piecing' -- piecing YOUR life back together (yes, you can do 'piecing' by yourself - haha), one day at a time. Yes, it looks different than what you thought it would look like, but it's your life, and it's something you should be so very proud of. It's taken a great deal of strength and courage to drag yourself out of where you were and to where you are today -- and to write what you wrote above. I am certain that your post will help a lot of people, today and sometime in the future. I've been reading your updates, and there is such a huge difference from just a few months ago. Keep right on going Tad. You are on the right track, and I'm sure you can feel that. You are a survivor. You have much to celebrate this holiday season.


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
LiveNow #2517402 12/15/14 02:52 PM
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Tad I am very sry to hear about ur friend. Depression is a major tool that satan uses. At one time he tried to tell me things wouldn't get better And life wasn't worth it. I prayed until he finally left me be. Prayer is strong Tad.

You are a very strong person. Look where u were and where u are now. It got better Tad and it's only going to get better. You were at rock bottom and fought ur way back.......you got this!!!! So very proud of u.

I never thought I would say this but your fur friends sound so cute. And if u knew me well u would chuckle because my number one fear is
Mice! Lol

Hugs and A Fist Pump

Last edited by sunshinelewis; 12/15/14 02:53 PM.

_________________________________________
M:42
H:40
S:18
M:20yrs/together 21yrs
Bomb:9/08 ILYBNILWY
Sep:9/18/08 "ow" :25
Filed:11/18/08
D:12/8/08
M:Different 26 yr. old 7/09.
Newborn 4/10
sunshinelewis #2518014 12/17/14 05:35 AM
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Thanks Livenow and Renee...

Quote:
It's taken a great deal of strength and courage to drag yourself out of where you were and to where you are today -- and to write what you wrote above.


Thank you. Even though I have a way to go, I sometimes forget just how far I have come. But...when I step back and take a good look back, I can see it.

Quote:
I am certain that your post will help a lot of people, today and sometime in the future.


I hope so. Like I said above, I was close and it took a lot to finally bring myself out of it.

Quote:
You are a very strong person. Look where u were and where u are now. It got better Tad and it's only going to get better. You were at rock bottom and fought ur way back.......you got this!!!! So very proud of u.


Thanks. I was a lot closer than I ever let on here on the boards. Until the post above, I had never really written about it much here.

Quote:
I never thought I would say this but your fur friends sound so cute. And if u knew me well u would chuckle because my number one fear is Mice! Lol


Haha. They are cute. I've got a few pictures and videos of them on my FB page....

Update:

My rat -

My little rattie is a little better, but I don't think it will be long. She is just so old and weak. I'm now feeding her baby food because she has quit eating solid food. I haven't had little kids at home in years, but my refrigerator is filled with baby food. It's kind of strange.

My buddy -

It's been confirmed that it was a suicide. Not sure of the details, but he had been apparently arguing with his estranged wife on the phone and at some point, he put a pistol in his mouth.

My "friend" -

.....is amazing. We've been continuing our great conversations. She even sent a message yesterday wanting to know how my little furbaby was doing. When I got to work last night, she handed me a Christmas card with a very nice note inside telling me what a nice person I was and how much she enjoys our talks about music and astronomy. Then, she gave me a framed picture of the Beatles that she knew "I would love to have." I'm going to hang it up in my bedroom. This girl is amazing. I even found out last night that she loves penguins! Haha. They are my favorite too. As I've said, the stuff we have in common is almost scary. I've decided that after the holidays, I'm going to ask her out on a "non date." She's been telling me about a nice Thai restaurant and I think I might ask her if she'd like to join me for lunch. We'll see....

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
tadpole1025 #2518189 12/17/14 06:16 PM
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"friend" -
Get her a small plastic penguin for her desk. The next time she mentions the Thai place, "spontaneously" say we should go tomorrow.

"buddy"
I am sorry for your loss.

"rat"
Enjoy your time with her. And a pet is always a pet, never "just a..." screw those who think it's "just a ..."



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Jack_Three_Beans #2518326 12/18/14 01:29 AM
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Thanks for checking in Jack!

Quote:
Get her a small plastic penguin for her desk. The next time she mentions the Thai place, "spontaneously" say we should go tomorrow.


I love the penguin idea. As for the Thai place, I would love to do that but....so afraid of her saying "no." But.....I will. I just have to work up the nerve.

Quote:
And a pet is always a pet, never "just a..." screw those who think it's "just a ..."


^^^ Thank you for this. I need that. smile

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
tadpole1025 #2518398 12/18/14 12:24 PM
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Do it Tad! She may be waiting on u to ask. If she says no....then she say no. No biggie.....more fish in the sea and no reflection on u. Right?


_________________________________________
M:42
H:40
S:18
M:20yrs/together 21yrs
Bomb:9/08 ILYBNILWY
Sep:9/18/08 "ow" :25
Filed:11/18/08
D:12/8/08
M:Different 26 yr. old 7/09.
Newborn 4/10
sunshinelewis #2518413 12/18/14 01:05 PM
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Tad,
All she can say is no and you won't find out her answer unless you ask her.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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