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#2515054 12/08/14 02:01 PM
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Hi everyone. It was time for a new thread already. My previous thread can be found here:

Friend or Friendly?

It's hard to believe that I'm starting yet another thread. I really thought that I would be "done" and off this board by now.

The latest:

My little rattie continues to slowly improve. They are both getting old and feeble, but the one that was really going down hill has improved. I've really babied her this last week and I think the medicine that I've given her along with adjusting and keeping a close eye on her diet has helped. To think that I almost jumped the gun and had her put down.....So glad that I didn't. uRworthy, if you are reading this, I agree with what you said in my last thread about them coming into my life to help get me through the past couple of years. They are so loveable and sweet. I love them so much.

S20 spent a rare weekend with XW. She sent about two dozen cupcakes home with him. I really wish she wouldn't do things like that. Maybe she is just being nice, but sometimes I think she is doing it just to remind me that she is still "out there." Especially since she has accused me lately of "ignoring her." She told S20 that she wasn't going to eat all of them. So....why make so many?

I work in the broadcast center for a major satellite tv provider and I see a lot of tv at work. I've seen and heard a lot of Christmas music lately just being at work. This is the first year since bomb drop that Christmas music hasn't really bothered me. It still makes me feel sad at times and brings back a lot of good memories and makes me long for what I had, but it has been a little easier this year.

I titled this thread 2015 because also for this first time since bomb drop, I've come up with a few New Year's resolutions and thought that I would share.

* Stop smoking
* Lose weight and get down to pre bomb-drop weight
* Repair my relationship with God (MAYBE - still undecided about this)
* Get out more (Even if I have to force myself - no excuses)
* Join a gym
* Save $100 per month
* Convince my "friend" at work to have lunch with me!
* Re-connect with old friends
* Take a few road trips

Anyways, that's all for now.

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
tadpole1025 #2515058 12/08/14 02:08 PM
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Tad,
I am happy to read that your baby is still improving, slowly but surely. As uR pointed out, they came into your life to help you get thru the rough patches. Everything happens for a reason and it is not our place to question the why, what ifs, etc. I'm just glad they were there to help you when you needed help.

Tad, you took a lot of hard knocks in the last few years and it's going to take some time to find your footing once again and to be perfectly honest w/you, I think you were putting too much pressure on yourself if you thought you'd be off the board by now. Feelings can't be turned off and it takes time to heal.

As for the cupcakes, either eat them or toss them, but she may very well have baked too many and there was probably nothing more on her mind than to send them home w/her son. She knows that all of you live together and probably none of you bake, so look at it as a nice gesture and let it go.

I'm glad to read that the Christmas music isn't bothering you like it use to. That's a sign of healing. Keep those good memories in your heart because they truly were good ones and no one can take them away from you.

I like your resolutions. Sounds like you are truly on your way to healing. Keep up the good work!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2515343 12/09/14 02:19 AM
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Thank you Job.

Quote:
Tad, you took a lot of hard knocks in the last few years and it's going to take some time to find your footing once again and to be perfectly honest w/you, I think you were putting too much pressure on yourself if you thought you'd be off the board by now. Feelings can't be turned off and it takes time to heal.


True. Just a little upset with myself. Upset that I let XW take this much of my life away and beat me down this bad. However, it can't all be blamed on her. Some is my fault and some is all the other stuff that has happened in the past few years....

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
tadpole1025 #2515356 12/09/14 02:44 AM
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Hey Tad, glad your pet is doing a bit better.

You know, T, it took me a long time to walk this journey. There were times when I thought, man, why did I waste so much time figuring it out.

But the truth of it is, I believe it happened exactly as it was supposed to. I wouldnt have learned what I did, healed and grown if it happened any other way.

About the cupcakes...who cares what she sent them home? Not you, right, because you have a new job, a new friend and great sons and pets. smile

Looking back over your shoulder stops the forward motion in us. Keep your eyes ahead. You never know what you will see. smile

uRworthy #2515359 12/09/14 02:52 AM
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Quote:
S20 spent a rare weekend with XW. She sent about two dozen cupcakes home with him. I really wish she wouldn't do things like that. Maybe she is just being nice, but sometimes I think she is doing it just to remind me that she is still "out there." Especially since she has accused me lately of "ignoring her." She told S20 that she wasn't going to eat all of them. So....why make so many?

I work in the broadcast center for a major satellite tv provider and I see a lot of tv at work. I've seen and heard a lot of Christmas music lately just being at work. This is the first year since bomb drop that Christmas music hasn't really bothered me. It still makes me feel sad at times and brings back a lot of good memories and makes me long for what I had, but it has been a little easier this year.
Why not just let the cupcakes be cupcakes, Tad? I suspect your instinct is right - she wants you to know she is still out there. Not forgotten. The thing that gets me is that it bothers you. That's her issue, not yours and you know that. I say let it go as a nice gesture for the kids and leave it at that. You do want her to try and connect with the boys, for their sake, right?
Quote:
True. Just a little upset with myself. Upset that I let XW take this much of my life away and beat me down this bad. However, it can't all be blamed on her. Some is my fault and some is all the other stuff that has happened in the past few years....
This ^^^ is a really good sign, Tad. Sometimes I think I come back here to see your progress - it warms my heart to see you healing, Tad. It really does. I've seen more and more healing as time goes on. In fact, I admire that you're still standing upright, Tad. I think there's more to go, but the momentum is and has been there. And it's building. I like seeing that in your posts.

Nice list by the way. Here's to 2015!

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2515425 12/09/14 12:34 PM
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Very wise people here Tad.
I for one think you are reading to much into the things she does. I feel u are still deep down inside hoping things like the cupcakes incident is a sign that she is coming around.
Tad....she has four children with you and she will prb send things like this as long as they live with you. She is trying to be part of their lives AND possibly, from her comments, is hoping you and she can be parents on a friendly basis. In her head she don't understand why u can't be friendly, as much as you don't understand why u would be. We all know it's hard to do, but Tad she has been several months ahead of you emotionally, maybe even years, for a long tine. You aren't there yet.
You have come a very long way and it only gets easier from here. Eventually u won't care what she sends home. You will be healed. You will be a much improved Tad while she hasn't made any progress within herself.
As for your sons speaking about her and telling u things. You have to be careful here. You don't want them to think they can't mention their mom around you, you are still their parents. They need to feel comfortable about coming to you. BUT when they start informing you of things that are of no concern to u, gently change the subject. This will get better as they get older and time goes on. ALL this will become easier.
Great resolutions! Haven't set mine yet.
Oh, ans as for God, I really hope you become closer with him. He has never left your side Tad. We can't see the future, but He can......remember that.


Last edited by sunshinelewis; 12/09/14 12:35 PM.

_________________________________________
M:42
H:40
S:18
M:20yrs/together 21yrs
Bomb:9/08 ILYBNILWY
Sep:9/18/08 "ow" :25
Filed:11/18/08
D:12/8/08
M:Different 26 yr. old 7/09.
Newborn 4/10
sunshinelewis #2515605 12/09/14 08:07 PM
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Tad,

I'd be like..."oh yea! I'll take those cupcakes! Thank you very much" and devour them slowly. cool

Wonka #2515746 12/10/14 03:40 AM
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smile

Thanks Ur, AJ, Renee and Wonka.

Quote:
Looking back over your shoulder stops the forward motion in us. Keep your eyes ahead. You never know what you will see.


True. Easier said than done, but getting easier all the time.

Quote:
Sometimes I think I come back here to see your progress - it warms my heart to see you healing, Tad. It really does. I've seen more and more healing as time goes on. In fact, I admire that you're still standing upright, Tad. I think there's more to go, but the momentum is and has been there. And it's building. I like seeing that in your posts.


Thanks AJ. Yeah, you and a few others have stuck by since the beginning and I thank you all for that. I can look back 4,3,2 and even 1 year ago and see the progress. FINALLY getting better. It has been a long and painful road. Wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy.

Quote:
I for one think you are reading to much into the things she does. I feel u are still deep down inside hoping things like the cupcakes incident is a sign that she is coming around.


Not really. While it would be nice to atleast get an apology someday and while I really miss and want what I had, I can honestly say that I want what I had, but I don't want it with her. I just don't. I don't think I could ever be with her again simply because I could never trust her ever again. I don't EVER want to be with someone and have to worry where she is or who she is with. That trust is broken and I'd never trust her again no matter how bad I would want to.

Quote:
In her head she don't understand why u can't be friendly, as much as you don't understand why u would be.


Seriously? If she doesn't know why we can't be friends, then she really is nuts. I can't be friends with someone who did what she did. She didn't just do it to me either. She hurt me, our boys, family and friends. I'm sorry, but I can't.

Quote:
Oh, as for God, I really hope you become closer with him.


That will take some work on my part. We'll see.

Quote:
I'd be like..."oh yea! I'll take those cupcakes! Thank you very much" and devour them slowly.


Hahaha. Nope. I haven't touched anything that she has sent. Nothing. Even some of the things that she KNOWS I like. I won't touch. However, the little furbabies have enjoyed a thing or two. Not me.

Other stuff:

My "friend" and I still have some great conversations. She told me last night that she has also had her heart broken. I didn't know this until last night. She also said that I'm a lot of fun and that she trusts me. Says she looks forward to the times we work together because I'm so nice to talk to and I make the time go by. Said she has never married because she wants to be absolutely sure about the guy, and she hasn't found the good one yet. She says all of these wonderful things about me, enjoys talking to me, I can make her laugh and smile but......she won't even let me take her out because we work together. What gives???

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
tadpole1025 #2515925 12/10/14 05:14 PM
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Tad,

I want to comment about your thoughts on not appreciating gifts from XW. Why not? It's not like she's surreptitiously trying to poison your food. Your mind automatically goes to the "bad column" when you receive gifts from XW. For other people, you appreciate them.

Perhaps it is time for to think about burying the hatchet with XW for your own wellbeing. Holding on to that slow-burning anger isn't doing you any good.

My parents, when they first divorced, were not on speaking terms. Their divorce was pretty acrimonious. I broke the ice by calling my stepmother one day and she came right over as my father, out of his own pain, forbidden any contact with me. That day, when my father walked in the door and saw us chatting in the living room, he looked like someone had punched him and I saw him take a step or two backwards in utter shock at the scene before him.

Over time, they slowly began to talk again and became friends. Then later they reconciled for a while and then broke off for good. They remained friends and spoke on the phone frequently. Whenever I was in town, the three of us would get together at my father's house to chat and shoot the breeze.

The point I am making here is that they decided to move past the pain of their D and bury the hatchet. In several ways, they healed from the pain and forgave each other (not verbally or directly) in their own ways.

Please try to be the bigger man here and take the first step by saying a simple "thank you" for whatever small trinket/gift XW sends your way.


Originally Posted By: tadpole1025

My "friend" and I still have some great conversations. She told me last night that she has also had her heart broken. I didn't know this until last night. She also said that I'm a lot of fun and that she trusts me. Says she looks forward to the times we work together because I'm so nice to talk to and I make the time go by. Said she has never married because she wants to be absolutely sure about the guy, and she hasn't found the good one yet. She says all of these wonderful things about me, enjoys talking to me, I can make her laugh and smile but......she won't even let me take her out because we work together. What gives???

Tad


I suspect that this "friend" is using the guise of work as a shield to protect herself from potential hurt. She's really missing out on you. Or perhaps she just sees you as a really good friend. You know, men and women can be good friends without sex. I think sex complicates things!

Workplace romances can be a tricky thing to navigate. If things don't work out between you two, then what? Exactly. I personally have this rule myself too...I don't get involved with co-workers. Actually I told one woman this many, many years ago. I learned later on that she quit this job so she could date me and she DID! Haa.

Wonka #2516112 12/11/14 12:58 AM
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Thanks Wonka.

Quote:
I want to comment about your thoughts on not appreciating gifts from XW. Why not? It's not like she's surreptitiously trying to poison your food. Your mind automatically goes to the "bad column" when you receive gifts from XW. For other people, you appreciate them.

Perhaps it is time for to think about burying the hatchet with XW for your own wellbeing. Holding on to that slow-burning anger isn't doing you any good.


I don't think it has anything to do with anger. I just....I don't know...I'm more disgusted by her right now than anything. She turned into someone that I don't want to be with or even be friends with. The person that I knew is dead. I'll be nice if spoken to but...that's it. No more. Saying or texting a "thank you" is more than I can do right now. I find it easier/better for ME to have absolutely no contact at all. None. It's not to be mean or to get back at her or to punish her or anything like that. It's just better for ME. It makes MY life easier.

XW's sister married a man and cheated and got pregnant by another man. She divorced her husband and then 3-4 years later, married the same man AGAIN and cheated AGAIN, left this poor man AGAIN and married some other guy. Are they still friends? Believe it or not, they are. They went bowling together a week ago. And yes, she is still married to the guy she left him for. My take? This guy is a fool. He still loves her and I totally get that, but he is a fool in my eyes. Of course, XW doesn't understand why we can't have a relationship like her sister has with the guy she married twice and cheated on twice. Sorry, I can't do that. Do I still love XW? I guess I do to an extent. But.....I don't want anything to do with her and don't want to open myself to any more hurt/anger. I've had enough.

Quote:
I suspect that this "friend" is using the guise of work as a shield to protect herself from potential hurt. She's really missing out on you.


Maybe. She has been hurt before and that could be why she still has not married. Can't really say that I blame her.

Quote:
Workplace romances can be a tricky thing to navigate. If things don't work out between you two, then what?


True, but out of a 40-hour week, we only see each other for 4 hours and only work TOGETHER for 2 of those hours.

I get the feeling that she has been hurt really bad. She told me her last X cheated with multiple women. I don't blame her for being cautious but....I would just like to take her to lunch. She thinks I'm a lot of fun. Think how much fun I could be OUTSIDE of work.....

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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