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A Message from Michele
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Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2515885
12/10/14 04:06 PM
12/10/14 04:06 PM
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rpp--I'll share what worked for me. Maybe it will help you too.

First, I added my XH's e-mail address to all of the lists that pertained to our kids' stuff. That way, he couldn't pretend he didn't get notices.

Even while we were still living together, I had a calendar on my fridge. So I put in appointments for the girls, activities, etc. and copied it and gave him the copy and any revisions that happened later. Every Sunday afternoon/evening, we'd go over what was happening that week. We'd divvy up appointments where we could. I think it helped both of us appreciate the spirit of cooperation from each other a little bit more. I've been poo-pooed here for doing that, but I've always known that I was the CEO of our house, along with the office manager and bookkeeping jobs. It worked for me. And it still does.

We don't have a scheduled talk anymore, but we still divvy up stuff that needs to be done for the girls.

It helped ME because I asked for more equity in time I had to spend away from work taking care of these things. I was able to discuss expectations (we both had them, though often they were hidden) and work out a plan. It wasn't that I was coddling him... I was merely asking for help and giving him all the chances I could to step up to be a true co-parent to his children. They deserved it. Before our separation, he did do some of the stuff. But it was an unspoken expectation that Betsey is the mom, and this is mom stuff. It was hard on me, particularly because my youngest is a special needs kiddo who had lots of medical issues and therapies in her early years. I just didn't want to do all the heavy lifting anymore. If he refused, well, then I'd have done all of it. But I'd have gone back to court and had the CS order revised to match the lack of involvement as well. It never even occurred to my XH that he could walk away from his responsibilities. Thank goodness. But then again, please know that I wasn't separated from him because of infidelity. Had that been in the midst, and some OP driving his ship, it might have been different.

At the very least, give him a shot. If he's a deadbeat anyway, he won't do it. But you can know in your heart that you've stepped up to make it possible. Then it's on him.

Anyhoo, I'll get off the podium now. I have to get some Christmas shopping done now. Online. At work. Before some people are irritated with me. Sometimes it's good to be the boss. wink


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: Underdog] #2515935
12/10/14 05:28 PM
12/10/14 05:28 PM
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bdub Offline
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I would never even think about telling a woman she would be more lovable if she lost 10 pounds. Physical attraction and looks are important, but only to an extent. PLUS I have more common sense than that.
Underdog, as I get older the hair on my head is going away and hair most everywhere else is coming in. I dont get it!!


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2515939
12/10/14 05:35 PM
12/10/14 05:35 PM
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rpp if you want H to respect you and appreciate you more I think he first has to see what you do. I am guessing he has no idea how much goes into the schedules or how time consuming the running around is. I thought I did, but I learned very quickly I was wrong, and I took care of most of it when we lived together. I have neither the time nor the energy to make sure WAW knows where to be and at what time.
She is getting better about it, but still misses things on occasion. If she asks I give her the info. Other than that shes a big girl, she can handle it just like I do.
I know our sitches are different but I am just throwing the idea out there.


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2515994
12/10/14 07:44 PM
12/10/14 07:44 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
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Originally Posted By: bdub
I would never even think about telling a woman she would be more lovable if she lost 10 pounds.

Well, bdub, there's a really long history there, of H saying things to me that should have been unacceptable and my not only putting up with them, but measuring my value by them. It's not pretty on either side. I am sincerely glad that you wouldn't do this. smile

As far as the calendar goes, I'm happy with the way things are running now. I don't mind outlining things one time a week, and if the outline says "birthday party" and it's his weekend, then he takes and picks up. The only thing I had to do was tell him about it. It's working for me.

We aren't D, of course, but the way CS works here is number of overnights. It doesn't matter where the child has been during the day. So I could spend the day with her and run her around and then she spends the night with dad and I pick her up the next morning and run her around all day again. Counts for him. But I don't do that, H is pulling his 35% plus some because he takes her to school almost every day, even "my" days. It's more than he's ever done, quite frankly, and I'm happy with it.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2515998
12/10/14 07:49 PM
12/10/14 07:49 PM
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Oh! And one more thing I forgot to say...... I was just at a brunch that the church staff gives for our volunteers each December, and I was having a good time talking to everyone, especially some of the older members. One lady and I were talking about "old times" , and she casually mentioned that she and her H had been separated 4 1/2 years at one point about 20 years ago. She had no idea of my sich, and I thought that was just encouraging. Four and a half years is a long time, and I don't know details about her story, but for those of you willing to wait, it's possible good things can happen.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2516020
12/10/14 08:36 PM
12/10/14 08:36 PM
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That's very encouraging, rppfl, and reminds me of what my IC told me.

He had clients where the W finally separated (and I think divorced) her H after he physically abused her, had an alcohol problem, etc. Bad stuff. Three years later they were back together. She spent those three years waiting and watching him, and I guess he was able to change into the man she needed.

Those kinds of stories give me hope because even though I've abused my W and had my share of EAs, I'm definitely committed to changing and being changed by God (I'm not sure if you're a believer or not). I know my W has a good heart and truly wants a happy M where she feels safe, and she also truly wants what's best for the boys. So your story and my IC's story give me hope that even though it may take a long time, if we make legitimate changes and if our wives are on the sidelines watching, good things can happen.


Me: 29 W: 29
S: 7 S: 4
M: 8
BD 10/15/14 (Order of Protection)
D filed 10/14
Letting God change my life. Doing the hard work to be the H my W always needed and to be the father my children deserve.
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: vertex] #2516259
12/11/14 01:30 PM
12/11/14 01:30 PM
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Journaling: Last night was low-key and I'm glad, it was good to be home. A couple of texts with H about an event tonight he wants to take the girls to. I am slightly frustrated that he didn't address all my questions in the email from yesterday morning and now I'm going to have to go back and pin him down on a couple of things. But I will wait until the moment is right, I don't have to know right this minute.

In the past few days I've told two more people about the S. I tear up each time. And I don't even know why, it's not like I'm miserable about it, I'm actually enjoying my life right now. But I just can't tell anyone, not even the most basic fact that we are S, without tearing up. I honestly don't understand it.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2516263
12/11/14 01:45 PM
12/11/14 01:45 PM
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Originally Posted By: rppfl

In the past few days I've told two more people about the S. I tear up each time. And I don't even know why, it's not like I'm miserable about it, I'm actually enjoying my life right now. But I just can't tell anyone, not even the most basic fact that we are S, without tearing up. I honestly don't understand it.

rpp- you are not alone in this. Yesterday I called the garbage company to get the bill changed to my name only and I also told our pediatrician - and each time I said - "my husband and I are separated", I felt a swell of emotion. I think its totally natural - they are just words you never expected to say, even though we've had months to get used to it. I'm sure it gets better.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: raliced] #2516312
12/11/14 04:13 PM
12/11/14 04:13 PM
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Posts: 2,685
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So....just got back from IC. We talked about "moving on". Not getting a D, just me getting a life apart from being a wife and mother. It's scary, I don't have any single friends, I don't have any good role models for how 40-something single women act. (The one that I know spends her time taking her X to court!) It's nothing different than what I've discussed here, it's just an area I feel stuck in right now. IC pointed out to me that all my GAL this past weekend, and she was pleased with it, was already in place, if you will. I was already part of the PA at D12's school, I was already a sorority member, I already had my job. And she suggested I need to push myself outside my current box. Again, all a re-hash of this board's eternal wisdom, but that's just where I'm bogged down right now.

We talked about Thanksgiving, and whether I enjoyed H's company. We talked about whether I miss him now that he's moved out. We talked about whether I think about our M in the future. We talked about if my life would actually be any different if the paper said we were D right now.

IC said she thought I had chosen well in picking H to have children with, that we were good parents, good business partners, but not necessarily what we need for the future. Interesting. I've seen myself as a failure, a failure for M him in the first place, a failure in making my M work out. The idea that it's OK to say that I did a good job picking out the father of my children but it's time to move on was novel. I'm not sure I buy into it, seems like that's a retro-active thing to get me off the hook, but I still like it when someone challenges me and makes me think.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2516361
12/11/14 06:17 PM
12/11/14 06:17 PM
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So.....I've been pondering this morning, how did I get to the point where my identity was so tied up in being a wife and mother? It wasn't the fact that I got married and gave birth, it was how I acted afterwards. I got myself invited into the right playgroup, I made my own baby food, I baked my own bread, I had the best-stocked arts and craft cabinet in the neighborhood. I made the best sugar cookie in the school, I was the homeroom mom, I was the Queen of Carpool, I attended every sporting event for every kid, I learned how to get a meal on the table when the loaves and fishes wouldn't have worked. I spent my weekends doing whatever H wanted, I attended every "wife" event I was supposed to (although I apparently never looked good, I looked fat wink ) I did a whole laundry list of things that I thought was making me a good wife and mom.

My challenge, then, is to act a different way. What actions do I need to take to define myself in a different way? Who do I want to be, and how does that person act? I don't know the answer, as I said earlier, I don't really have any role models for this. But suddenly it doesn't seem as hard as I thought it was.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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