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A Message from Michele
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Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2515234
12/08/14 09:30 PM
12/08/14 09:30 PM
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Originally Posted By: bdub
So you did feel that little bit of "alive" ?
Not advocating you start dating. I was just wondering how it made you feel and what your thoughts were.


Yes, it made me feel a little alive smile. And it's recognition that there's more to RPP than being a mother and a wife and an employee. I'm a woman (outside of being a W), too, but that part has been ignored for a while. So it was fun to get a little feel for who that woman is, I've missed her



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2515399
12/09/14 05:05 AM
12/09/14 05:05 AM
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Good for you, RPP.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: Jefe] #2515434
12/09/14 01:33 PM
12/09/14 01:33 PM
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Journaling: back to piles of nothing. Picked up the girls after work/school, had dinner at home, quiet evening. I was planning to make a brief appearance at a Christmas party that was very close to my house, but the afternoon didn't go the way I had planned, I got home much later than I meant to, and D12 was tired and cranky from using crutches all day. So I stayed home and was happy to do so. Three nights out in a row is enough for me anyway.

A brief text exchange with H last night and this morning about some items D12 left at his house, and that was it.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2515437
12/09/14 01:40 PM
12/09/14 01:40 PM
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Originally Posted By: Underdog
(moved from Maybell's thread)
You know, it's pretty telling that you had the wherewithal to recognize back in college your former BF's limitations.


Betsey, why could I see this in my college bf and not in my H? Granted, H gave me so much more than college bf, but it still wasn't really what I needed and I knew it from the beginning.

I see a pattern in my M of accepting good enough to the detriment of great. Affection, sex, intimacy. I thought my M was so much better than my parents. I thought H was so much better than my college bf. And both of these are true. But why did I sell myself short? And does it matter, or do I just move on from here? I don't want to make this mistake again. Or are my expectations too high?



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2515445
12/09/14 02:16 PM
12/09/14 02:16 PM
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I think its pretty common rpp. Person X meets "some" of my needs and doesn't repulse me so lets see where it goes.
I did pretty much the same thing you did. Right after college I met WAW and she was pretty, educated, employed and local.

I think right now is the perfect time to decide exactly what you want and DON'T want in a spouse.


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2515458
12/09/14 02:42 PM
12/09/14 02:42 PM
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We're fixers, we think we can fix them. A little adjustment here, a little trimming there and Voila!

Then reality shows up. smile


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2515459
12/09/14 02:47 PM
12/09/14 02:47 PM
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Originally Posted By: rppfl
Originally Posted By: bdub
Now, on to considering a relationship with the dad you were talking to.....


Well.....there are a couple of problems here

1) He lives in another city, he was only here to visit his daughter. And although I picked up enough about him to track him down, that would be very stalker-ish of me, considering
2) The interest was all one-sided. He didn't show any sign that he had a thought of me past the end of the evening. No flirting, no touching, no casual inquiry into my marital status (I don't wear a ring). No asking where I work or indicating in any way that I was of any interest past dinner. I was just a way to pass the time in a room full of people he didn't know. And that's OK because
3) The significance of it was just to open my eyes that I can entertain the thought of moving on. And despite my dismayed post the other day, there are at least a few guys out there that I would consider. That's enough for now.


rpp, you've got this. As you move forward and continue to unearth that woman you've been keeping underwraps, you will be a force to reckon with and I don't mean just by attracting a man. Truth be told, that's the easy part.

You've hidden your light under a barrel for far too long.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: labug] #2515518
12/09/14 04:54 PM
12/09/14 04:54 PM
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Amen, Bug!

rpp, I overlooked the red flags because I grew up with some fuzzy boundaries and interactions. Mine originated in my childhood, and I got them from my parents. I'm not saying that I blame them, but it was our modus operandi to accept people as they are and then try and save them. (ICK!) Then I read Melody Beatty and wound up in Al Anon and I made some headway there. But it wasn't until I was in my 40s that I really got the divine knock on the head.

After a split with my first BF post-D (it was traumatic as well), I scheduled an appointment with my psychic friend for some regression therapy. Before we could even get to that, I walked in the door and he yelled at me. "From here on out, YOU need to pay attention to those red flags and dump them when you see them. You can't fix them or encourage them to be different with you!" I definitely felt blindsided. He calmed down and at the end of my session, told me my assignment: to learn how to sever relationships that were not good for me. I didn't have to be an a*hole to do that. Just firm.

I've taken that assignment seriously since. And you know what? I still feel a little bit guilty about not giving people second chances, but hell. I'm 52. At my age, people just aren't going to be different because I wish them to be. It's healthy. And while I was uncomfortable about taking that extreme action, I could hear his words and I felt GREAT about not allowing the dysfunctional soul suckers in my life. Yee ha!

Something tells me you have a lot of dysfunctional people in your periphery. People who keep you down because it's comfortable for them. Have you ever noticed that misery DOES love company? The people who aren't motivated by change stay there. It's easier for them to complain than it is to change. You're not that way, and for awhile, it will be uncomfortable to take that stage. But you'll feel so much happier letting that light shine (as Bug said). Imagine yourself as a butterfly. Well, you are in the cocoon, and your time is coming. Are you gonna be a butterfly or a moth? grin

I'm putting money down on a beautiful butterfly.

Hugs, sweet pea.


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: Underdog] #2515572
12/09/14 06:53 PM
12/09/14 06:53 PM
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Originally Posted By: Underdog
Something tells me you have a lot of dysfunctional people in your periphery.


Maybe......

I know that I have one fewer than I used to, and I'm not talking about H. I have/had a relationship that I never saw as dysfunctional until recently, a guy I've known since I was 15. It's been strictly a long-distance keep in touch by email thing for years, but there's a lot of history there and when I told him about BD things shifted. Two weeks ago, I cut it off. And it was the right thing to do. In retrospect, I should have ended it years ago. And I only bring that up as an example that I should reevaluate the people around me and why they are there and how I feel about them. While I'm cleaning house and getting new friends, I might as well do it right. smile

This weekend I felt the first stirrings of who I used to be coming back to life. I had my hair cut and lightened recently, and I've gotten a lot of compliments. Nice. But getting ready for my weekend events, there was no one at home to tell me I looked nice. And there was no one there to tell me I looked fat, either. So I told myself I looked good, and happily went off to my events.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2515627
12/09/14 08:34 PM
12/09/14 08:34 PM
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So, the most important person to you was there to tell you that you looked good!


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
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