not healing

[pie]

Its been 3 years since the betrayel , and getting back together....He's fine, I'm still not healing...I'm worrried that it will be like this forever - feelings of worthlessness, hurt,anger overwhelm me once overy 2 weeks or so...I dpn't know what to do. I can't go to a councellor, I feel like I'll just make it worse...I've been trying to 'fake it till you make it'. He is very remorseful, and seems genuinely 'back'...but I'm in a state of mixed feelings in that I don't care if he's back or not, and fearful that its just going to happen again. I keep telling myself don't be stupid like you were the first time round. This happens about 10% of the time. The other 90% is ok...ish.

Just venting here at my old place of venting...hoping it will help me....

[labug]

Hi pie, sorry you're feeling so poorly.

I'm not sure venting is helpful long term, it might decrease the pressure momentarily but if the source of the pressure is still cranking it out, you're just delaying the inevitable.

Why not see an IC? You've tried it your way it doesn't seem to be working? Try something different.

[LaPoo]

It's been 2.5 years and I feel exactly how you feel. I'm putting myself first and trying very hard to get my feelings under control before I make any life changing decisions.

[Crimson]

Hi there, Pie -

I think what you are explaining is normal and to be expected. Moreover, the fact that you have made it three years in and can say you feel "OK-ish" 90% of the time WITHOUT having been to IC/MC...that is virtually a miracle.

That said, knowing what I have learned so far you really should consider (at least) going to IC or MC. You don't have to do carry what you are carrying alone or without help. I do not know the full picture of your "case" - but I view everyone's situation like this - you took a lot of emotional hits and suffered a lot of emotional hurt and damage (I'm guessing). You have to PUT that somewhere healthy. If you cram it into a safe and swallow it you can be certain that it will leak out slowly over time in unhealthy ways...anger...resentment....depression...and so on. I am guessing that would explain the "ish" in "90-ish" and for sure explain the 10% of the time when you are not doing well.

If your H is remorseful on some level and appears to be all-in for your relationship, don't be afraid to say you need that kind of help. Be brave.

Crimson

[slow_it_down]

One tip for dealing with intrusive thoughts. If you find your mind going back to the same topic over and over again, give that thought or collection of thoughts a file name. Then, when you catch your mind going to that topic, picture a filing cabinet and stop to think to yourself, "I have the [fill in the blank] file out again." If the recurring thoughts are intrusive and not helpful to think about in that particular moment, then picture yourself opening the file cabinet and putting it away for another day. For me my files are things like "Oh, I have the mistress pulling up in my driveway file out again," or "Oh, I have the coming home to half the furniture being gone file out again." Similar to picturing a stop sign it helps to regain some control over what you think about.

Also, it can be helpful to keep an actual written checklist in your pocket for when the 10% doubt occurs. What things does he do to make you feel loved? List those things. Then, when you feel doubt try to recall the most recent time he's done those things you listed. Since you said he is in fact doing the things you need him to help you heal you can sort of talk yourself down from assuming the worst about him.

Hope this helps!

[pie]

Thank you everyone. Crimson...I feel like if I were to go to acouncellor it would be like letting the flood gates open- I feel like the only thing keeping us together was me not 'exploding' . He is the type of person that would take 5 years to recover from his own mistake if someone rubbed it in....and I fear going to a councellor would render me....restraintless in letting him know howmuch he hurt me. Which would equate to 5 years 'recouperation' on his part (if not more). So I suck it up. But I do see its slso not the answer Hes slready naming our next children...and making plans....and I'm.... Lost still:(

[pie]

He has already picked up that I'm not as enthusastic about us as I once was...but 90% of the time It seems like he doesnt remember what he did??:(

[pie]

i'm also aware that I might be putting my 8 year old ahead of me here....he would crumble if we were to seperate It weighs on my mind very heavily. How can any woman put herself ahead of a child..:(

[LITB]

Hello Pie,

Obviously you haven't forgiven him for his transgressions. If he is remorseful, and has made an effort to make the changes, what do you think is holding you back from forgiveness? I realize forgiveness isn't easy, however it is required to have a fulfilling relationship. Of course if the other party is remorseful.

Also, if you are unable to see an IC/MC for fear of rocking the boat, then you are simply trying to ignore a big issue. It isn't going to resolve on its own. The issue needs to be given some attention. If you don't communicate, how is he supposed to know?

My 2 cents.

[Heart14]

I feel like if I were to go to acouncellor it would be like letting the flood gates open- I feel like the only thing keeping us together was me not 'exploding' .

Pie, going to a counselor doesn't mean you have to come home and explode at your H. It could be a safe space for you to talk about what's still upsetting you and the counselor could help you come up with a plan to improve the situation for yourself. Do you feel like your H has done everything you've needed him to? Is there anything you need from the m that he isn't providing?

I understand your concerns about your child's happines, but kids are more resilient than we give them credit for. I'm not saying get a D. But at least try and figure out what Pie requires to be happy. Surely your child would benefit from seeing you live a happy life, not one you feel miserable in. Listen, I agree we all need to make sacrifices for our children, but not at the total disregard of our own needs.

We are all routing for you. Keep your head up.