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A Message from Michele
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Infidelity and Loss #2514390
12/06/14 12:28 AM
12/06/14 12:28 AM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 9
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Drmberk Offline OP
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Drmberk  Offline OP
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Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 9
Unfortunately, my situation is different than those of other spurned spouses here. It is unbelievable that my husband could be so cruel. I have had two phone calls and
trying to do a 180, but he is acting out so badly that I am helpless to think what to do. This is our 29th year of marriage.
We lost our son, age 22, on May 30th. He was my only son, but my husband has a son from another marriage. Since that time he has married (a wonderful woman) and they have just had two twin girls.
I do not have any family. No one was available after I lost Justin and our community of friends did not call. So we were both isolated and alone -- a terrible thing.
As you can imagine, I am devastated and will have to live with this for the rest of my life. My husband has avoided mourning. He will not work with me on pictures or scrapbooks, and now he does not even want to talk about our son -- who was a very special young man. Unfortunately, my husband did not try to understand him or help him when he asked for help.
In the beginning, he would leave when I was crying saying he would go crazy if he stayed. He began therapy, and everything became worse. He started making unilateral decisions (which is more of the same for him) he lies and hides things. He bought a Volvo and got rid of our beautiful subaru LLBean Edition station wagon -- the only car J was every in. He has done many spiteful things. He threw out the porch chair our son loved to sit in for hours and read and and chat and listen to music.
He has always been sneaky and loyal to his secretaries over me, making me the bad person. This should not have happened again, but because I can not work in our clinic, he is the only one there. He is very naive and women easily manipulate him. All his patients love him and give his support so he thinks he has it together.
He thought I should have gone back to work after the first year.
He will not go to grief counseling with me. His therapist would not believe me when I tried to tell her that my husband can be verbally abusive and becomes is a rageaholic.
Then, little did I know -- though my friends suspected -- he began an affair around later spring this year. It has gotten to the point when he does not even come home. And i should not be left alone overnight because I can become suicidal.
He changes into this other nasty person.
Last weekend we visit the grandchildren (when we married my stepson was 5).
It was very sweet and we were closed comfortable with each other. Otherwise I see him about ten minutes every night. He is back sleeping in bed with me but will not touch me or have sex.
I did not find out about the affair until a few months ago, so I could not intervene early on.
He gives no thought to me. She obviously manipulates him and demands he stay over when he promised he would come home. I told him i do not care how late.
So he stopped staying over. Then Thursday, his last day of work, he informed me he will not go to the movies with me as he promised. I have this recorded in my phone. He was friendly, caring and normal and then the next thing I know i get a long email with something about no movie, etc. He has four nights off and can not spend one night with me.
Whenever she gets involved he just turns on me.
He also said that we would do whatever I wanted on Christmas. Then he lied and said he only had Christmas Day and Friday off. He hit me he was saving the next week for her. I told him I wanted to go away for a week to an all inclusive place so we can get away and relax. I need to get away. We hardly ever travelled because he kept making decisions that prevented us from increasing economically. We should have been able to do trips years ago. And he could have taken me away during those horrid first two years. I mostly stayed in bed. He went off with a "friend" and did things up in Boston.
So now he has this person who obviously has him by the balls.

I have no idea how to do a 180. Wherever he gets sex that's where he will be giving. Though he has always given crumbs. I have realized so much. Before i lost my son I spend some time out of the house, waiting a a friend's loft but would come home weekends. It was just cross town. Partly it seems like he is just trying to get back at me. But he never tells me if he is hurt, or misses me or anything. He is very high functioning Asperger's.
He will not even become education about the effects on a mother when she loses an only child so he is angry about "bad" choices I made during that period.
I tried to tell his therapist that he was being verbally abusive.

But the worst part is that if we divorce -- I lose the grandchildren -- the only ones I will ever have. i really have 0 family. Now he is threatening to take Christmas away and go off with her for a week. Help.

Re: Infidelity and Loss [Re: Drmberk] #2514753
12/07/14 12:11 PM
12/07/14 12:11 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 12,763
NY
Cadet Offline
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Cadet  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 12,763
NY
Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: Infidelity and Loss [Re: Cadet] #2514795
12/07/14 03:47 PM
12/07/14 03:47 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline
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Sotto  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
I'm so sorry for your loss and for the current situation with your H. It sounds as though he is unable to face either your grief or his own at the moment.....he is using an affair as a means to avoid having to do this.

I can completely understand your anger. He isn't there for you at this point in time, so you need to be there for yourself and look after you as best you can during this difficult time. Know that things ultimately will improve and that you will find happiness again after this great pain. This is within your gift whatever your H or anyone else may do....but it isn't an easy path you are on. We all understand here.

Things sound very uncertain at the moment, and please try not to worry about the longer term at this point in time. Just focus on getting through today and this week etc.

It may not be that you lose your grandchildren as you fear. Your SS and his W may well be keen to stay in touch, and you could let them know that you would like to do this.

Are you seeing a grief counsellor yourself? It may well help if you haven't accessed this support yet. How are you eating and sleeping? Have you seen your doctor for support?

Please post here and rant as much as you want, and know that people here will listen and support.

My sincere condolences and best wishes to you....Toots :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Infidelity and Loss [Re: Sotto] #2516807
12/12/14 10:03 PM
12/12/14 10:03 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 9
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Drmberk Offline OP
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Drmberk  Offline OP
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Posts: 9
I am there for myself. Of course I have had loss counseling, counseling, speaking with a therapist. I have friends I do things with, I go to yoga 3X per week.

The problem is that nobody is hugging me, caressing me while he goes off and gets it from somebody else and she gets the goodies.

He's escalating and sleeping overnight.

That you for your condolence

mb.

Re: Infidelity and Loss [Re: Drmberk] #2517255
12/14/14 10:22 PM
12/14/14 10:22 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 17,809
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sandi2 Offline
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sandi2  Offline
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Posts: 17,809
Quote:
Since that time he has married (a wonderful woman) and they have just had two twin girls.


I am confused. Who are you talking about here? Are you in a polygamous MR?



It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Infidelity and Loss [Re: sandi2] #2517318
12/15/14 03:18 AM
12/15/14 03:18 AM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
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twinmom Offline
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twinmom  Offline
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Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
Sandi I believe she is talking about her step son


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



Re: Infidelity and Loss [Re: Drmberk] #2517400
12/15/14 02:46 PM
12/15/14 02:46 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 9
D
Drmberk Offline OP
New Member
Drmberk  Offline OP
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D
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 9
Now I am learning more and that this has been going on since last winter. I don;t think sex was until spring. it is like he is leading a double like. When i mentioned it he said "yes",like no big deal. She's enfold hm i her life and community (and he did go to daughter's wedding so now he knows the whole family)

He's sneaking off again so I can't make plans, which I asked to do. So he tries to be there early afternoon until bedtime (which is really 9) which can be 10 on....

Re: Infidelity and Loss [Re: Drmberk] #2517403
12/15/14 02:54 PM
12/15/14 02:54 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 9
D
Drmberk Offline OP
New Member
Drmberk  Offline OP
New Member
D
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 9
my husband

Re: Infidelity and Loss [Re: Drmberk] #2517410
12/15/14 03:02 PM
12/15/14 03:02 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 9
D
Drmberk Offline OP
New Member
Drmberk  Offline OP
New Member
D
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 9

my husband
Now I am learning more and that this has been going on since last winter. I don;t think sex was until spring. it is like he is leading a double like. When i mentioned it he said "yes",like no big deal. She's enfold hm i her life and community (and he did go to daughter's wedding so now he knows the whole family)

He's sneaking off again so I can't make plans, which I asked to do. So he tries to be there early afternoon until bedtime (which is really 9) which can be 10 on....

Re: Infidelity and Loss [Re: Drmberk] #2517430
12/15/14 04:05 PM
12/15/14 04:05 PM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
T
twinmom Offline
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twinmom  Offline
Member
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Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
You stated in your first post that your husband thought you should have gone back to work after the first year.......

Did you mean a year after your son was born or a year after he died?

It may actually be REALLY good for you to go back to work and make new friends/put your mind on something else.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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