Claire -- still here #11...

[SunnyB]

Our entire lives together would have been so different if we had known how to communicate this way while we were together.

Claire, good job on the interaction with H. Maybe learning these skills would have changed the M, maybe the outcome would have been the same, who knows. But your D is going to be the one to benefit from this. And that's gold.

[Dawn70]

You sound like you are getting stronger with every interaction. I am in awe and hope to get there myself soon. Hang in and keep on keeping on! Wishing you the best.

[claire7]

Thanks rpp and Dawn. I have to say I felt really stuck and in turmoil for most of late oct/Nov...but feeling much stronger and more at peace the last few days..

[Maybell]

So glad to I hear it. I think we both could use a corner to turn right now.

[claire7]

Yes, corner turning is good, although the corners are not so smooth. Had a text msg exchange today that's left me tearing up and tight-chested. Bringing up a lot of anger and fear:

H: Have you paid home insurance. If not, I can call and pay via credit. Due this weekend.

Me: No I haven't paid. I'm sorry. I guess I thought it was automatic. Thank you for checking that. Can I ask your help some time in making a list of household related things that i'll have to take over if I keep the house? That would be really helpful. Thanks.

H: Car is auto(matic) but annual homeowner's policy isn't. Keep in mind, you can alter that cost. We can discuss that.

--------
So, he makes a little pun (car/"auto") and I'm sitting here reeling over the prospect of what single-life means for me.

F him. He is a f'ing jerk to walk out on me. F him F him F him.

And then my mind wanders to my MIL who emailed me to ask for bday gift ideas for my D. And I want to say to her that I don't think I can have a relationship with her that is friendly and normal like that, because unless you think I'm someone who deserved to be walked out on by your son, how do you not get involved? And if you think i deserved to be walked out on, why are you emailing me in this normal friendly way. Ask your f'ing son--you know, the one who walked out on his wife-- for gift ideas.

That's where my non-detached mind is right now.

I'm wondering where my cool, calm, confident self went to.

[zew]

And then my mind wanders to my MIL who emailed me to ask for bday gift ideas for my D. And I want to say to her that I don't think I can have a relationship with her that is friendly and normal like that, because unless you think I'm someone who deserved to be walked out on by your son, how do you not get involved? And if you think I deserved to be walked out on, why are you emailing me in this normal friendly way. Ask your f'ing son--you know, the one who walked out on his wife-- for gift ideas.

Claire, don't do this.
You know your MIL can't desert your H. But clearly she likes you too. Don't make her choose sides, because you will always lose that. This isn't easy for her either.
I know my MIL still roots for me, she hopes that we will R, she has often told me over the years that I have been very good to/for W. She thinks my W is nuts to go, and she thinks I should have full custody of kids (!). And yet she sends Bcard to W saying she loves her and is proud of her. What else can she do? She is very troubled by all of this. I like my MIL and I will treasure that R regardless of what happens with W.

[SunnyB]

Claire, I agree with Zew on this. Don't go there. I had a lovely conversation with my MIL this afternoon asking what the kids wanted for Christmas. She has waited so late that I'll most likely be the one doing the shopping for her because she can't get it shipped in time. She loves me and she loves her grandchildren. And she loves her son - the one who walked out on his wife. There's no reason to make her choose between us, it's not her fault.

[Elsa]

Oh, Claire. (((((hugs))))

It's so hard to seem them act so cavalierly about disentangling our shared lives, isn't it? I'm so sorry he upset you.

But you know what? You asked for his help and he responded in a light-hearted, friendly manner. That's not all bad. Also (and I know it's easier to say this from the outside looking in), he may have been following your lead -- assuming that you were comfortable with the conversation since you brought it up.

I agree with zew -- no reason to cut ties with MIL just yet. Chances are she thinks her son is a fool too but doesn't feel comfortable saying that to you because of her loyalty to him.

[claire7]

I needed to hear all this. Thank you.

[Lorelai]

Claire,

I agree with what the other posters said. My MIL and I are very close and I have had the opportunity to tell her how I feel about my situation with her son, though I don't believe it's helped much. She's said she wants to express her feelings about the separation but she wants to wait until "after the holidays" which I understand, but my H's family has a tendency to sweep problems under the rug big time and would rather ignore issues than face them head on, whereas my family is the total opposite. And then, as I've mentioned before in my own thread, there's the issue of Christmas Eve dinner, and H has said he wants to bring the children without me, so this will be the first Christmas Eve dinner in almost 10 years I haven't attended and it makes me sad to think of everyone watching my kids open their gifts and interacting with them without me. There's a small part of me who thinks such an event could help wake H up to the reality of this whole thing. This will be the first family function he's attended without me since we started seriously dating and I think it will be awkward to be there with the kids and not me... but that's a big assumption.
Sorry to ramble on your thread but I've followed your posts for a while and can relate to so much of what you've written—in fact my H just called as I was typing this to talk about a schedule change for tomorrow and I was very casual and we were both just like "Ok, sounds good, talk to you later, bye!" and to me it feels like this is all so easy for him and I'm going along with the program, when in reality the idea of D and separate holidays, vacations, lives, etc. still makes me queasy. My H's father also divorced his mom when he was very small, but he doesn't think it's the same.

Reading your threads has helped me a lot. You are doing so well. With or without your H I can tell you've got a fabulous life ahead of you. Hang in there.