Claire, if you can stand a couple more questions about this all: how is the holiday schedule different from your regular sharing schedule? And why? Is it because it's the holidays, or because D is off school and needs day-time care? I'm not understanding why your regular schedule is getting changed, sorry if you spelled that out somewhere, I'm just trying to brainstorm a little, but wanted the background if you don't mind.
Yes-- d is off from school and her babysitter (who is only part time nowadays anyway) will also be on vacation.
KGirl-- I see your point about flexibility a slippery slope. There will always have to be room for flexibility. I don't think that having a default schedule precludes that. It does give us something to work from.. and it gives us the right to say, calmly, "I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me".
What is so frustrating right now is that the communication and conflict resolution skills we still need to improve in order to have a good co-parenting relationship are the same ones we'd need to have a happy marriage. I'm annoyed that I have to do that work (with H) anyway without the benefit of feeling like it was leading to a repaired marriage. I have some resentment about that I think. Why? It makes perfect sense to me why I have resentment, and also makes perfect sense why I need to let it go.
Back to square one and a beginner's mindset I guess
More happened this morning but I just dont have time to write now.
What is so frustrating right now is that the communication and conflict resolution skills we still need to improve in order to have a good co-parenting relationship are the same ones we'd need to have a happy marriage. I'm annoyed that I have to do that work (with H) anyway without the benefit of feeling like it was leading to a repaired marriage.
Claire, what if you re-framed this? These conflict resolution skills will benefit you in your co-parenting, and they'll benefit you in a new R. That R might be with your H and it might not be. So what? You get the benefit either way, yay for you.
I felt pretty detached, actually. I said what I've had to say and there will be no more R talks initiated by me. He started to get worked up over a date we had in conflict. I said, calmly, "it looks like we both made assumptions about when vacation started and how we would split the time. I don't want to impede your life, but I want to have mine, too." He didn't argue with that.
And then we were talking about our D's birthday, coming up soon, and how we will split up the weekend. He asked me if I thought it better for him to have a celebration with his family the day before her birthday, during lunchtime OR a dinner celebration on her actual birthday, after she spends the bulk of the day celebrating with my family.
I said, "that's your call. I'm sure you'll figure it out."
H responds, "I know I'll figure it out, but I'm asking her mother for an opinion".
Oh. I didn't take the bait, stayed detached and said, I'm sure either would be fine. He left. I called out, "'night!" He couldn't even look at me when he left.
I'm not doing the pick me dance anymore.
Booked tix for two weekends away with girlfriends, have tentative plans to co-host a super bowl party, working on the GAL.
Claire, you sound great! Good job giving up the pick me dance, and major props on the GAL. I'd like to go out of town after the new year, too. I didn't have much of a life the past 10 years and it's hard to rebuild, but I'm trying. You are inspiring me.
rppfl, that's really nice of you to say! it's taken me a lonnnnng time to get here...and I am still very much a work in progress.
But, this week I'm certainly being tested. H and I are trying to plan our D's birthday party together. Historically, H was always the planner of the family. (not that I never did anything, but he planned vacations and bigger events). This year, I offered to take on the bulk of the planning. But, I'm not proud to admit that time got away from me (I've changed in a lot of positive ways, but multi-tasking and managing big projects is still difficult for me. I'm working on it.)
Anyway, in the past, this would have led to H sounding annoyed and frustrated at me, and me feeling defensive and ashamed that I had disappointed him yet again. But this time, the interaction was totally different. We've communicated about it in a really positive way. He offered to help, in a gentle way, and I responded without getting defensive.
Our entire lives together would have been so different if we had known how to communicate this way while we were together.
But I'm not going to reach out to him to tell him that. I've let him go. If he thinks I want to get a divorce, he's wrong. If he thinks I've come to terms with it--that I'm "ok" with it... he's right.
and it's hard to rebuild, but I'm trying. You are inspiring me.