Claire -- still here #11...

[Underdog]

Hi Claire,

Hope you don't mind if I weigh in...

Today he told me that our D mentioned to her friend that "my daddy is bad. he's mean to me." D was with her nanny... the mother of the friend asked the nanny if it was true! H was upset. What could I say? I told him that she has said those things to me (about me, and also about him). I've told her that we can be upset with people, and being might make us feel mad, but that doesn't mean they are "bad"... and I also told him that I never know how/if to mention it... but she is affected by all this. I broached the idea of getting her counseling. He didn't outright reject it, but thought she was a bit young still.

I also have girls, who are now 20 and 17. They were 8 and 5 when their dad left, and my youngest is a special needs kiddo who was very medically challenged from the get go. My oldest was 3 and had a difficult time labeling emotions (many people do), so we put her into some counseling so that she learned new coping mechanisms and had a safe place to share her negative feelings without getting scolded from me or her dad. It laid the ground work for periodic "check ups" with this same child counselor, who she grew to really trust and respect. Dr. Lesley did all sorts of activities with her in the office under the guise of play that got her to open up.

To this day, whenever I know she needs to get something out, we pull out the coloring books or drive in the car somewhere. I think it really taught her that asking for help is a good thing. Your D is really young and this kind of black and white labeling is pretty normal. It's just that you are in an uncomfortable situation that seems to be amplifying the negative in a different way. Does this make sense?

I'm also a firm believer and follower of the 24 hour rule. I had to put it into place because I was one of those people who simply *had* to react immediately and I also *had* to have the last word. When I started doing this, all my relationships improved. Funny, that!

BTW, my girls and I made sure we did fun stuff every NYE. Sometimes we'd go to mass and then out to dinner and a movie. Or I'd buy tickets to the theatre. Or I'd let the oldest invite friends over and let them eat crap and drink soda and talk all night. Or we'd have a camp out in the family room. All of those things make me look back with bittersweet fondness. I'd choose that over rocking out somewhere else with a dude any day of the week. I really miss those times. So celebrate that while you've got her, sweetie. You never get these days back.

Maybe a craft and game night? Beads, jewelry making, paint by number, puzzles? I'd totally come over and do that with you. Build good memories.

Hang in there-
Betsey

[claire7]

Ok people... this terrible planner has some good news to report!
1) got my bro to buy awesome concert tix for my birthday 6 months from now! And already know who is coming with me!
2) reached out to old friend who lives far away... she is excited for me and D to come visit. Convo with H at mediation made me realize that I can decide, all by myself, to use community $ to pay for a vacation for me and D. So, that is in the works for feb.
3) nearly ready to buy plane tix for girls weekend, also in feb.
4) tentative plan to co-host party with new single mom friend.
5) started brainstorming ideas for our staycation over new year's: to include new adventures in our area, cookie decorating, Ice skating, craft projects..

Thank you all for the pep talk and great advice. I feel a whole lot better.

Also.. I have done my PT exercises every night except one. ..and am feeling stronger! Onward!!
Lots of good stuff in the works.

[claire7]

Also... I think I might get some professional pics of me and D. Good way to create new memories.

[claire7]

Maybell,

Wanted to respond to what you said about my love tank not being filled for a long time. That is so so true. (And not even by my parents). It's been far longer than the 13 months he's been gone. I used to cry myself to sleep with my husband laying in bed next to me because I felt so lonely and unloved.

I'm so curious how it will be to have someone interested in me and attracted to me again. It's been so long. Most of my colleagues are women-- there are no eligible men at my place of work, and it's not like I frequent bars with single friends... so I don't even know where I would meet someone. But somehow I will, I'm sure.

[claire7]

Ok team. I'm trying to follow the advice to post here first before responding to H. Feeling really annoyed. Here's the context:
1. He's pushed back every time we've tried to set a regular schedule.
2. Our draft parenting agreement, which we went over for an hour with the mediator on friday, says that we will split christmas vacation in half-- this year he gets first half, I get second.
3. I had requested 12/27--it's my dads bday.
4. He proposed a schedule for this vacation which would give him 3 nights (12/24, 12/25, 12/28), and me the rest (12/26-27 and 12/28-1/1).
5. I responded (with no emotion or judgement) a different schedule, saying I thought it made sense for us to "test" whether what we plan to agree to will actually work. The plan I proposed gave him evenings of 12/23-25, 12/28-29. Then I had 5 nights as well.
6. Here is his response. I don't know how to respond to this without flipping out. Please help:

Generally, I'm fine with all of your revisions with two caveats.

1) 12/23. I have tickets to a game that evening and cannot take D. I would ask that you take that and I will pick her up from you at 10am on 12/24. I just didn't plan for the mid-week Wednesday when we both still have work.

2) As I had thought you were planning to take D for a more extended period of time, I want to leave the option open for things to fall into place for me to be away the evening of 12/29. I will commit to taking her til at least 4pm that day (I do have work, but will take the day to spend it with her). And I would say it is highly unlikely that anything comes together, in which case, I will commit to the evening of 12/29, too. But I want that possible flexibility that I thought I had in the first place.

Let me know your thoughts. Thanks for your thoughtful response.

Help. The thought of 15 more years of this is really upsetting. How can I get out of this back and forth routine. What would a reasonable compromise look like, and should I propose that? (He gave a proposal, I gave another one, his response is basically back to his original position, claiming that I misled him on the flexibility he thought he would have. I feel stuck and I have spent too much time on this today...

[Maybell]

If you think of the 15 years in front of you it will be impossible to solve this dilemma. So I recommend you think only about this year.

So if I understand this correctly... he wants you to cover the 23rd and the 29th (tentatively) AND ALSO your entire schedule? Is that accurate?

What is your aim in saying no to this? Just to see the original plan actually followed?

I'm not pushing back... just want to be sure I understand the issues.

My initial thought is... (given what you know about my parenting issues with my H) if you feel like you're being taken advantage of, get it set in writing. If he's not taking his 50%, then request a bigger share of child support, to compensate for the disparity in care. Then keep your D. But most likely you'll have to have a log of changes to document the disparity.

[KGirl]

Hmm... so you spent Friday hammering out an agreement. Are these all exceptions to the agreement? What were the dates where he was going to have her the "first half of vacation" and you the "second half"?

[claire7]

Thanks for responding K-girl.
We never set actual dates.
I requested one change from the agreement (12/27), to accommodate my parents... but i can change that if necessary.

Did I mention the part where I took our D for most of my two vacation days so far this fall, And Friday morning to Sunday 4:00 of thanksgiving weekend? And now he basically wants me to take nearly another whole week. (He said he could do Monday until 4:00. I guess that is his compromise).

I need to be strong and think outside the box.

[claire7]

I thought i was a quick learner but I feel so dense...still asking the same questions going around and around with the same issues all these months later.

[KGirl]

thanks, Claire - I was confused by all the dates!

I think the first question is - do you want D for more time, or do you really want a break and therefore something closer to 50/50 time over vacation?

If you want to/would like to have D for more time (and this is more about the principle of it or what's "supposed" to happen), why not just say OK?

If you need a break/you have already agreed to 50% shared time on holidays, you could say something like "Thank you for your suggestions, I'm glad we can talk about this together. I really need some more time without D during those two weeks to get some things done. If I will take her the 23, 27, and 29, that leaves me two more nights to take her - perhaps the 28 and X would make the most sense so they're back to back. That would leave you with [these five nights]." He mentioned he thought you were taking her for an extended period.. not sure what that's about. Have you said things that indicated you wanted her for more time or more than 50%? Or perhaps, have not complained much in the past when you've taken her for more time (like the Thanksgiving you mention?)

I guess I'm still confused (and maybe I just don't get it because I don't have kids and haven't gone through this) about the purpose of the mediation if no dates were set and none of it matters, anyway. I think you had expressed frustration in the past about not having a more set schedule...but it also seems like you would like some flexibility. It seems like it's hard to have it both ways, so what matters most to you? I feel like if I were in that situation and someone told me "we need to follow a schedule and get it set" and then said "but I would like this day changed," it would totally leave the door open for me to suggest changes of my own, too, because that means it's not really set, just a suggested schedule.