The boys are going through the xmas stuff, sorting out what they want to keep, then I will go through and then the rest will be boxed up and dropped off at her place when I take a couple pieces of furniture over there. They seem to be doing well with this so far.
Getting a small live xmas tree this weekend, trimming the pine trees in the yard to make wreathes, starting some new/old traditions.
Let's see if I can get my middle son in the spirit, he takes after his Mother that way, doesn't like holidays.
Regardless, I am getting excited and in the spirit, started playing my Sinatra Xmas CD last night, had a stupid grin on my face as I cleaned the kitchen.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
My parents, who are visiting for Xmas, had an early birthday celebration for me last night, since they are flying back east before my b-day. During the celebration my Dad had everyone say something about me.
My middle son said that I was the strongest person he knows, how I have been getting through the divorce and the last few years blows him away, he knows I am always there for him.
My youngest said pretty much the same, and that I am his role model, his "rock".
I don't cry (much or often), but this brought tears to my eyes, lots of tears.
It is worth it.
The standing for the M The pain The heartache The working on myself The standing for myself in the end
It is worth it.
They watched, they saw, they know the truth of the last 3-5 years.
To everyone who is standing, has stood, whether reconciled or not, whether 6 months or 6 years.... Your kids watched, they saw what you did, how you did it, they saw your stength, your hurt, your weakness, your growth. They watched you cope and grow with perhaps the second hardest thing humans have to experience. They watched how you handled yourself, and watch how you are now handling yourself.
It all matters.
It IS worth it.
All of it.
“Be like the forces of nature: when it blows, there is only wind; when it rains, there is only rain; when the clouds pass, the sun shines through.” ~ Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T2, That is wonderful. I think it was very nice that your parents did this and your sons told you how the felt. You are a role model for sure and someone that they can look up to and rely on for many, many years to come.
Happy Early Birthday!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Loved your post about your family taking turns to say some positive things about you on your birthday. I'll borrow this idea for my family. Love this idea.
You've shown tremendous strength and resilience in the face of some really tough stuff. Your boys have watched a great role model of what a father and husband is supposed to look like. You've done really well and more!
You always seem to have some insight, the wisdom in your words also reflects in your actions and have impacted me greatly in my short time here. At the end of the day, one can only hope to walk through the situation that you have and become the kind of person who has children able to recognize and express it in that way .. speaks volumes of the father they were lucky enough to receive.
Often I question if there is a destiny to all this .. was it for us to get through the storm and become 'this' for our children's sake? ... makes ya wonder.
S2, the supposed "non-scholar", is thriving at the IB school, 4- "4"'s and 2- "5"'s.
He went to his first dance (Mr. Introvert), I gently nudged him when he started getting nervous and wanting to back out, I told him I would stay downtown and if he would try it, if it didn't work out, then he could text me and I'd come get him. So he went. I hung out with my band mates at a club we are trying to get booked at. The dance ended at 11pm, he finally texts me at 11:30, from a cafe with his friends. He had a blast! He was soooo happy !! After we got home, he came to me, misty-eyed a bit, and thanked me, giving me a big hug and an "ILY, Dad". <--- Yeah, a 16 year old young man said and did that, wth?
S3, he is thriving at the IB school as well, 4- "5"'s and 2- "4"'s. He may get bumped up a grade, is in Honor's Society. He has his eyes on college scholarships already, in 7th grade...
But the attitude in the house regarding the importance of school, education and critical thinking has changed drastically, back to my family's views, since she moved out.
I am so grateful to watch and help them come out of their shells, come into themselves. Our R is amazing...
Our talks in the car commuting to school are just amazing, as are the dinner table talks (yes, family dinner is back at least 3-4 nights a week).
Stbxw only sees them a few hours a week, by her choice, and sometimes theirs. She has unlimited visitation, but between her choice, and the schedule of the kids, and s3's choice (he has a lot of anger at her), it is just for a couple hours on the 2 days she picks them up from school. I encourage them to spend more time with her, best that I can, but it's up to them in the end.
She, the kids, and I attended the court required "Focus on Children" class together. Very, very good class. It was very current on latest research, and included a bunch of info that we talk about here. I could tell it opened her eyes a bit, because she cried a few times. The kids had their own class with psychologists teaching and facilitating. I am very glad my state takes the effects on the kids and parental alienation VERY seriously, and is encoded in law. Pretty good for a red state in fly-over-country...
The final D petition is on the judge's desk, hopefully he will sign today, or early next week.
Re-fi attempt in progress. If that fails I have plans B through E planned out, hopefully I can avoid bankruptcy. If not, it is what it is and I'll bulldoze through it. It's what I do.
New Woman is just absolutely awesome, that reminds me that I need to write her XH a thank you card....
My life now is soooo worth the past 3-5 years of pain, heartbreak, and work. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Last edited by TSquared2; 01/30/1509:00 PM.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
So nice reading and hearing someone on the other side of the forest who looks and sounds to be doing so amazing, seeing a man with the same priorities I share ... its the inspiration that I needed this week to keep doing what I am doing regardless of the outcome, good or bad I know once I get to the other side it will all be worth it.
T2, I'm so very proud of you and your sons. Look at how far all of you have come. Your sons sound like they've adjusted well w/living w/you and I'm happy to read about their accomplishments.
T, you worked so hard on yourself and keeping your family together. You have so much to be proud of. Look at you...coaching your son on going to the dance. He had a wonderful time and I'm sure he'll go to another dance in the future.
You've been supportive, the lighthouse and yes, their rock throughout your wife's crisis. You are an excellent role model for them and they will never forget how you handled this situation. I'm only sorry she didn't wake up completely and come to realize what she was losing.
As for your lady friend, take things slowly and I agree, a thank you note should be sent to her xh. LOL! Life has a funny way of making things turn out well after so much destruction.
I'm very happy you came back to provide us w/an update.
You're a true success story! You've come out of this experience much stronger, wiser, and more cute. Rockin' in a band?! How wonderful!
Your boys have learned a lot from watching you and interacting with you. You've shown them the way forward on how a man and father should look like. They'll be great husbands and fathers someday thanks to you.
How are things with the New Woman? Do your sons like her? How long have you been dating NW?
As a woman it is nice to read about men who are trying to be the best person they can be for the people in their family and for themselves. TSquared2 - only best wishes for you. Caliguy you are doing really well. I keep up with your sitch and you are farther along than you probably realize.
Thanks for being brave and sharing your lives on this board. Wishing you both a bright future.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I felt about the same as you are only about a month ago. Now at least you don't have lawyers or the court involved. So, yes it was a relief for me and now you. You can now move forward unhindered and make all the decisions for yourself without considering the court. You never know how things will change now that the big D is out of the picture and focus. Sit back, relax a bit, and keep doing the great things you are doing for you and your kids.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
I know you really tried everything you could to reconcile with your ex T2. Sorry that she is still so lost and broken, but I'm happy for you that you've moved on and are in a more fulfilling relationship now.
Divorce is not what any of us wanted or hoped for or ever expected in our lives, but it is definitely NOT the end of the world. More like the first day of the rest of our lives. And the rest of our lives will be awesome.
How are your boys holding up?
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Hi T2, Must be a hard feeling. I guess it won't be long until I too will know that feeling. I'm so glad you have your boys with you, I know how much better I feel when I have my girls around...reminds me that even if my W is gone, I still have my family.
You did all you could and more. I hope that your W may find the peace you have some day. You have rose above it all and actually become better for it. I only hope I can do as well as you have.
TSquared - I love your Albert Camus quote. I hope you are beginning a peaceful chapter in your life. The lyrics to an old Bon Jovi song... Every new beginning is some beginning's end ---
Bittersweet but yet so full of possibilities for you. All the best for you & thank you for sharing your journey here.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Quick update, I've been very busy cutting the last cords from the D...
House re-fi hopefully will go through, I won't get enough equity (thanks to too much neglect in maintenance of "curb appeal" the past 5 years) to make any major difference in knocking down the debt. After spending a lot of time on Dave Ramsey's and Mr. Money Mustache's sites, I decided to take the cash out and put it into the emergency savings account so that I will have a few months of the basic living expenses covered and also so when those things in life come up like car repair, etc, I won't have to use credit.
I found a debt reduction spreadsheet template online using the "snowball" method, and using that, if I can stick to it, I should be debt free in less than 3 years.
Taxes are going to the CPA (had to use a 3rd party because of the D). Hoping not too much will be owed, and the Head of Household deduction I can take because she was gone for 9 months will help, and the donations from de-hoarding.... lol!
The kids are doing very well, youngest made honors society and they are thriving at school, with friends, hobbies and interests.
February was a less than optimal month with the D being signed sealed and delivered, then the following week I got booted out of the band. My part in that was I didn't practice enough, just didn't push myself after making dinner, cleaning, homework help, getting re-fi and tax paperwork together, etc. I owned that. The other part is that the music was really one guys compositions, and my natural playing style didn't mesh very well, and it felt like I was just trying to play along with a record. Not much creativity for me. We remain friends though (amazing what this DB journey has done for me). It did help get me through the past year... so it was worthwhile.
The former drummer and I are tossing around starting a jazz project... some cool jazz mixed with other influences, sorta like Miles Davis in the 70's-90's... but lots of free form creativity, lots of swing...he and I locked in the pocket well, could anticipate where the other was going to go next, so could be good
So all in all, life is very good, not perfect, but...still thriving.
And in exW news...lol... some post cards (via text) from the tunnel after I told her about NW...
"Just figured out the best way to describe it... your lights burns so bright I couldn't see mine... I need to be in my own darkness to find my light ...and find what will fuel it and make it shine as bright ...hope this helps ...will always love you ..thank you for everything :)"
"And being with other men only showed me I had more to discover about myself ...and that I needed exposure to others alone to expand and get to all that I am... not to find someone better than you... I was just a flicker of myself ~not your fault... you kept me from burning out completely"
"Ok ..I should have included talking to other guys... the online thing"
"Here's Another metaphor I think suits it as well... You took this caterpillar and put her gently in the tree of yor care, protection and love... where she evetually built her cocoon... and now it's time to finish her transformation into a butterfly but that means leaving the tree...."
I didn't reply to any of those... nothing new there, kinda a recycle of a theme that has recurred the past 3 years. A few months ago it was a different reason, and before that yet another... And it pretty much tells me that I made the correct choice in letting go and moving on. I did consider replying to the butterfly thingy: "Watch out for windshields, grilles and bumpers!" But, I didn't, trying to keep that CHD thing going...but my natural smart-a$$ side was so tempted...
I need to fully let go of the idea of getting "closure".
I can't believe how much better my life is without her in it now...just amazes me sometimes...yet makes me a little sad too sometimes.
I look back now, from this side, and laugh at myself, what was I so afraid of??
Oh wait, that's one purpose of the LBS journey.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Great to hear from you T2! The new band sound sure sounds like it will be fun to play. My dad was a huge Jazz fan and I grew up on Mose Allison and Chet Baker. Glad to hear the boys are doing well too.
What your XW wrote sounds to me like she saw you more as a father figure than a mate. My W was always very shy while I'm the opposite and I know this bothered her and made feel "in my shadow" at times but like you, her "reasons" change like the weather. The only thing that has stayed consistent is that she was "unhappy" for a "long time". If only they could see that they are the only ones that can "make" them happy! That is, IMHO what MLC is all about.... looking for some one or some thing outside of yourself to "make" you happy. Until they can understand and own the fact that it is up to them if they are happy or not, that no person or thing can bring that which they desperately seek, they will forever remain stuck in the tunnel, the fog thick around them.
I'm so glad you are doing so well and are happy and healthy. Keep enjoying the journey, brother!
What your XW wrote sounds to me like she saw you more as a father figure than a mate.
Yes, this is true (reason 7-A, or is it reason 5-C? I forget), she said herself a few times during all this, that when we met I was the father she "should have had" and that it was unhealthy for her now... and I see that. Maybe more importantly, I see now that it was also unhealthy for me.
How's the job going, Matt? Kicking butt yet?
Last edited by TSquared2; 03/05/1506:36 PM.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I've been fairly quiet lately. Dealing with some tough stuff with S13. Suicide thoughts and ideation.
He reached out to one of his friends and her Mom contacted me with his texts.
Reasons: -he feels emotionally abandoned by his mother for the past 4 years. -his migraines -doesn't want to live in a world of discrimination, injustice, meanness -he doesn't feel he is a good person
This was triggered Easter Sunday when his brother and myself were trying to get him to visit with his mother.
I waited 24 hours to tell his mother as I wanted time to figure out how to approach him and also her, I didn't want her freaking out on him in his fragile state, she has historically been extremely sensitive to anything critical of her, and she would take/did take his feelings of abandonment by her personally and as criticism. She answers my updates of the sitch and what I'm doing with one word.
I found him IC and he wants to work with her.
There will be no more pressure to see his mother, she even agreed to that, so I will be picking him up from school on her days.
Taking him to chiropractor who the whole family has been seeing for years for help with his migraines. He is up on our sitch and was wonderful with him, giving him grandfatherly advice and some counseling.
I also found a bunch of research from mayo clinic and other universities finding a deficiency of magnesium and B2 as co-factors in migraines, so I have him on a supplement plan based on that research and his body weight. This is in addition to his Topamax.
This weekend he called me from his friends house, thanking me for always being there for him, that he knows I will always be there, and that he loved me.
His moodiness seems to have leveled off some, and he promised he would call someone or a hotline, and has made a contract with the IC to not harm himself without speaking with her first and he has her cell phone number.
We are working together on continuing to re-do the house "our" style, and we have made plans to move to an area he wants to move to in a couple years when I get a chunk of the debt paid off.
Otherwise, life is still good and being re-built in my own idiom.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I'm very sorry to come here and read that your son is having some difficulties dealing w/the fall out of his mother's crisis. Have you discussed w/the doctor about your son getting shots for migraines? The reason that I ask is that I had a co-worker that would get them so bad that she couldn't leave a darkened room until they subsided. She began carrying medication that she could inject and she was able to handle them much better.
T2, you are a wonderful father and I know that you will do whatever it takes to keep your sons safe. Your son knows that you are there for him and will not judge him. I do hope that both of them, i.e., your son and his mother can finally open up with the IC.
I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am glad to see you dropping by and giving us an update of your life.
Wow. Your son is very lucky and blessed to have you as a father. You give me the fuzzies because you are a warm and caring person. I can feel it radiate out from your post.
You might want to look up the book by Louise Hay Healing Your Life. It delves into spirit-mind-body connection and discusses how various aliments affect our bodies with the underlying causes that effects them.
I believe that with the right support system in place that your son will begin to grow and thrive. I loved hearing his comments to you as a Dad. How wonderful is that?!
Right now the focus is on healing him, and then, down the road, bring her in. After giving the IC a lot of background of the past years, parenting styles, FOO issues, etc of both her and myself, IC thinks that the focus should be on S13 for the time being.
And that you for the info on the shots, I will definitely ask the neurologist about them. The meds he is on have minimized the really bad migraines.
We will make it...with the moving plan and some new plans he has come up with on his own, he is having a lot of "future" thoughts. It's a good sign, I think.
Wonka, right now, any New Agey stuff causes triggers with everyone...Xw had 100's of those books, was obsessed with New Age stuff, including that one... she gave S21 an Eckhart Tolle book for his birthday, which I've read (it is good) and was part of the M house library that she took, and apparently on the drive home S13 said "Like it helped her" and S21 donated it to a thrift store.
S13 is very resistant to anything that his mother was into, but he does trust me to find the balance between alternative medicine and standard, and I show him the results of my research trying to teach him how to do the same.
Maybe in time he will open his mind back up to that and find the balance, and I'll do the needful to help...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Wow. Just wow, T. Nice to hear he's getting the help he needs. And glad your ex is playing along for his sake and not giving a hard time.
Hope for the best with IC as well! Glad it's a good one.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hi T2, Sounds like we are in much the same sitch. D15 has been self-harming and has also been having thoughts of suicide. She kept it all inside for so long and the pressure just built up. I'm having trouble with letting go of the anger I feel towards my STBXW for causing my D all this pain. D15 has started seeing an IC that she seems to like and has stopped cutting for now. The problem going down the road is that she will have visible scars for the rest of her life. No short sleeves, and because she cut her leg as well, bathing suits will be a problem. She now feels even worse about herself because she started cutting, a bad cycle for sure.
You seem to be handling things really well. I'm sure with your support your son will do well. I know how hard this is believe me but I'm sure you and your son will get through this with same grace you have shown through out your sitch!
