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A Message from Michele
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Re: "Going Dark" - 101 [Re: Jamesjohn] #2512783
12/02/14 03:00 PM
12/02/14 03:00 PM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 7
Illinois
H
hope4 Offline
New Member
hope4  Offline
New Member
H
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 7
Illinois
Last night I informed my H that if he wanted a D, then we should not renew our lease together in 2wks. Now, today, Im a sobbing mess. I want him here, but it hurts too much to have him here. He said if he leaves, he is never coming back. Did I screw up the method somehow?

Back story...I chalk this up to a MLC. Our marriage suffered recently from E-separation, lack of intimacy. He told me 4m ago he wanted to divorce - (while I was 8m pregnant). I had an EA long ago, and he has started an EA which he claims he can do because he started pursuing her 4d after he told me he wanted out(he originally met her 2y ago). The past 4m have been full of passive aggressive cruelty from him and I don't want our boys learning that it is OK to treat women like a doormat. I have tried GAL - it is so hard with a new baby, new job, and holidays.

He stated he wanted the D before the baby was born; now he wants us to go in mutually and waive the separation period. I just need him away for my own healing, it hurts to have him sleep next to me and flinch if I even brush up against him during sleep.

What is the next step? Waiting?
I'm already praying day and night.

Re: "Going Dark" - 101 [Re: hope4] #2512998
12/02/14 10:51 PM
12/02/14 10:51 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 12,765
NY
Cadet Offline
Member
Cadet  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 12,765
NY
hope4 please start a thread on newcomers or MLC there is very little traffic here.

Sorry you are here but it is a good place to be.

Keep Posting


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: "Going Dark" - 101 [Re: Sparky] #2519112
12/20/14 05:10 PM
12/20/14 05:10 PM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 755
Z
Zelda09 Offline
Member
Zelda09  Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 755
This was so helpful, so on point for my situation.


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



Re: "Going Dark" - 101 [Re: Zelda09] #2537498
02/12/15 07:36 PM
02/12/15 07:36 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 12,765
NY
Cadet Offline
Member
Cadet  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 12,765
NY
Anyone reading this thread should also read this thread on LRT

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=42377#Post42377


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: "Going Dark" - 101 [Re: Cadet] #2540161
02/19/15 04:26 PM
02/19/15 04:26 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 56
Arizona
S
Swabby Offline
Member
Swabby  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 56
Arizona
The GDT seems interesting, but if i was unavailable for years, i don't think it would be in my benefit to use it. The conundrum i'm at right now is exactly what to do. She wants her space, but we live in the same house, and i don't want to do "more of the same" and go dark.

-Nathaniel


M: 10 years, T: 12 years
Me: 41, WAW: 38
SS:19, D:18, SD:7
Re: "Going Dark" - 101 [Re: Sparky] #2554113
04/04/15 05:18 AM
04/04/15 05:18 AM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 27
Y
yola Offline
Member
yola  Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 27
I'm relatively new here. Been reading a lot and finally decided to ask my question. Quick background: discovered husband's affair last year. Married 28 years, daughter in college, son in high school. Husband says he was miserable for a long time and has a long list of why we are no longer compatible and not a good fit. He wanted to move out but I convinced him not to because our daughter was about to study abroad. I went through the the typical first stage of hysterically begging, etc. After a tortuous four months, he stopped seeing the OW although they still talk. I've been very clear in acknowledging my role in how we got to this point and really want to turn things around. We go through periods when we are fine, then he says he's still conflicted and wants to leave. When we discuss the relationship, I try but seem to fail at using the correct techniques listed here. When we go through good periods, I'm ok. I feel like I'm being torn apart. Part of me wants to let him move out and then go dark, but then I think of the kids being collateral damage during this experiment. Both kids are extremely sensitive and going through their own difficult times. I just lose it when I think about how this would derail them at critical points in their lives. It's just so unfair to them. So far, they think we have a perfect marriage. They will utterly go into shock. I'm completely distraught at this point. When we discuss the relationship, he ends up being very hurtful and I say all the wrong things...


M: 58 H: 58
M: 32
D: 24 S: 19
WAH in PA: 5
S: 3
Re: "Going Dark" - 101 [Re: yola] #2554182
04/04/15 01:08 PM
04/04/15 01:08 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 12,765
NY
Cadet Offline
Member
Cadet  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 12,765
NY
Originally Posted By: yola
I'm relatively new here. Been reading a lot and finally decided to ask my question. Quick background: discovered husband's affair last year. Married 28 years, daughter in college, son in high school. Husband says he was miserable for a long time and has a long list of why we are no longer compatible and not a good fit. He wanted to move out but I convinced him not to because our daughter was about to study abroad. I went through the the typical first stage of hysterically begging, etc. After a tortuous four months, he stopped seeing the OW although they still talk. I've been very clear in acknowledging my role in how we got to this point and really want to turn things around. We go through periods when we are fine, then he says he's still conflicted and wants to leave. When we discuss the relationship, I try but seem to fail at using the correct techniques listed here. When we go through good periods, I'm ok. I feel like I'm being torn apart. Part of me wants to let him move out and then go dark, but then I think of the kids being collateral damage during this experiment. Both kids are extremely sensitive and going through their own difficult times. I just lose it when I think about how this would derail them at critical points in their lives. It's just so unfair to them. So far, they think we have a perfect marriage. They will utterly go into shock. I'm completely distraught at this point. When we discuss the relationship, he ends up being very hurtful and I say all the wrong things...


Welcome to DB

My first suggestion is re-post this and a little more in newcomers.

Your kids are almost adults, I think you need to start looking out for YOU!

Have you read DR?


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: "Going Dark" - 101 [Re: Cadet] #2554197
04/04/15 02:37 PM
04/04/15 02:37 PM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 27
Y
yola Offline
Member
yola  Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 27
I have read DR multiple times. My kids may be "almost" adults, but they are each in critical stages of life. My son has set his sights on tough colleges and taking a lot of AP classes. I fear a separation will derail him. My daughter has had a lot of her own issues and bordering on depression. When I think about them, I literally get sick to my stomache. I am thinking about myself because I know I will be more miserable if they are suffering.


M: 58 H: 58
M: 32
D: 24 S: 19
WAH in PA: 5
S: 3
Re: "Going Dark" - 101 [Re: Cadet] #2554255
04/04/15 08:57 PM
04/04/15 08:57 PM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 27
Y
yola Offline
Member
yola  Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 27
So as a follow up question, I wonder if it's possible to go dark and yet live together. For the past few months, I have been trying to be kind and affectionate and loving. I think it's gotten me nowhere. He thinks I'm still controlling him. We've also had an active sex life, and it's been a mutual desire. But now he says his fantasy is that I would want to have sex for the sake of sex for now, without the emotion attached. To some extend I'm ok with that, although it's not always easy. I'm trying to take care of myself and do more for me. How do I go dark without acting uninterested, as I think that would backfire as well. I'm just so confused about how to act.


M: 58 H: 58
M: 32
D: 24 S: 19
WAH in PA: 5
S: 3
Re: "Going Dark" - 101 [Re: crushedbyg] #2557494
04/15/15 05:11 PM
04/15/15 05:11 PM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 11
J
Joe J S Offline
New Member
Joe J S  Offline
New Member
J
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 11
I went dark on my W yesterday, with our child involved it makes it difficult to text her just about him during the week as I only get to see him Friday and Saturday and I am always curious as to what he is doing and how he is because this isn't going easy on him. I feel as though the more I don't text her the more he and I miss out on being on the same page in regards to where he is with letters and numbers. Plus I just miss being around him.


Me: 24 W: 22 S: 3
Wife Unhappy: 2/2015
Wife Moved out: 2/2015
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